Feeling depressed and the need for oblivion
I was reading some old blogs from late 2015. It’s good to read them because half the time, I forget what I write after I have written. I came across a few blogs about my former therapist and how we were struggling, even then. The blog I read was about a session where her phone wasn’t working and we had to text mid session. She wanted me, even then, to see someone new, face to face. I just felt really down because I have still haven’t found anyone in the last two months. Not that I have been actively searching. In the blog, I wrote that I gave her a number for a center in my town. It will be difficult to get there. I knew the street it was on. Monday I am going to call. I also found another therapist down the road from me. He will be easier to get to than this center but it’s worth a shot.
I am feeling hopeless because I am in pain and it’s both psychological and physical. My ankle pain started around 1500 and is still going strong, despite taking my strong pain meds. Then I read this blog and it activated my psychache because I am missing my therapist. I feel like she has done me wrong yet she really hasn’t. I just became too much for her to handle. I probably will do the same to my psychiatrist one day, even though we have been seeing each other for a greater length of time.
I just feel so horrible and that I am never going to get on top of this pain that I feel, physically. Meds are failing me because I am so used to them now that they aren’t touching my pain. And because I have a new doctor, I don’t think he trusts me to go on a longer acting pain med or go up on my current meds. Each prescription that he writes has my psych diagnoses are on the script. I find this stigmatizing because I am not on pain medication because of my mental illness. I had mental illness long before I had chronic pain.
I am having a hard time managing things right now. I am thinking of ending things but I can’t really go through with it. I just don’t have the time, least today, to take a bottle of pills. My heart is aching me deep inside. It is panging with the loss of my therapist of sixteen years. I want to end my suffering. I don’t have a noose or a firearm to end things quickly.
I have been suicidal most of my life. I know one day I will end my life by my own hand. Warmer weather is coming. Maybe I will go through with the plan to end things at my sacred place. I will drag my leg if I have to get there. Or maybe take a cab. I don’t know. I am in pain and suicide always enter my mind when it reaches a certain level and dealing with psychache doesn’t help the suicidality. I need rest from pain. I need cessation. I need oblivion. I need to die.