Category: chronic physical pain

Reading old blogs and thinking of stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, grief, mood disorders

Reading old blogs and thinking of stuff

I have been reading blogs from last March. It was a painful period for me as my depression was very bad and my father was dying, though we didn’t know. I just came across a blog about last Easter, which had come at the end of March. He was giving me shit, according to the blog. I think I remember him being all dressed up, in his three piece suit, and his pocket watch that he was proud to show off. He made fun of the things I was putting on my plate, telling me it was too much food when there was hardly anything. I was barely eating those days because the depression took my appetite away. It was the last time he was in good spirits. I wish we took a picture of him all deck out to remember the occasion. We had no idea it would be his last Easter. I am so sad when I think about this.

His birthday is next week and I have to say that it is causing me big time grief. My sister is thinking of going to the race track to spread his ashes. It’s something he would have wanted.

I was talking to my friend in Canada. We have been friends for a long time and today she left me a comment. I wasn’t sure it was her at first but it was. I was talking to her via Facebook and she was telling me that she reads my blog to her husband every day. I think that is so cute and romantic, though my stories are not that romantic in nature. But the fact she is sharing my work with him is special. It made me proud to know her. I love you Yogi Bear, I truly do.

As I was going through the March blogs, I realized it has been a year that I have been back on Zoloft. What a difference it has made. I can cope a little better with things and realize things aren’t so bleak. I am in wicked pain right now but it’s not driving me to suicidal depths like it did in the past. I think the extra 50 mgs I added (with the ok from my psych) made a bit of difference. I have slowly increased the medication because I don’t want to get sick like I did before. It usually takes a while for me to get sick. Last time I was on it for a couple years before I made the connection that the med was causing me nausea every day. Now I know what to look for. I will have to tamper down if this happens again.

I never read my book. I decided to backup my laptop files on my thumb drive. I thought some mindless distraction would help decrease my pain. It did but didn’t. The thing is, the pain is coming in waves so soon as I think it’s gone, it comes back again. I might have to take another strong pill.

There was an article circulating on Twitter about a link between childhood emotional abuse and the opioid epidemic. When I saw it, my first reaction was “no shit, I could have told you that”. I retweeted the article I saw with a “shit” comment. The person that sent it blocked me. I didn’t have access to the article. Then someone else posted it and I posted it again with this is the article that I was blocked on. Here is the article if you are interested in reading this bullshit: http://www.psypost.org/2017/03/new-study-links-opioid-epidemic-childhood-emotional-abuse-48288

I call it bullshit because I think it might harm chronic pain patients that need opioids to manage their pain. I know that is why I was turned away from a pain clinic because a psychologist there said I had the “potential” all because I had a trauma history. Who the fuck doesn’t?? That doesn’t mean that every one that has had a bad childhood is going to turn toward heroin or oxy. People have used it safely. Chronic pain patients need medications or suicides are going to happen. Just makes me sick. And I am still pissed off I was blocked by someone I don’t know and that person didn’t know me!

Day after Storm Stella

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Day after Storm Stella

It’s frozen and icy out so I won’t be going out today. I can hear my brother in law trying to break up the ice as he is shoveling the snow. I don’t feel bad for him because if he kept on top of the snow with the snowblower, it wouldn’t be so bad. Instead he wanted to wait till it was all done so now he has to deal with heavy icy snow.

Last night, I had dinner at my sister’s. It was pretty good. After the meal and dessert, my mother’s sugar dropped. She gave herself too much insulin. We stayed with her for a while and talked about the reasons it dropped. I am just glad it happened when she was aware and not passed out somewhere in the house. Her sugar wasn’t too low, only 96 but for her it was causing her to feel weird and we (my sister, brother in law, and I) know what happens if we don’t get it up over 100.

I woke up in pain, again. My left thigh is hurting for some reason. I always get nervous when it flares up. But I think it’s more muscle pain than nerve related. I don’t know why as I was lying down most of the night so I am not sure why it has flared up on me. Usually, if I sit too long it will act up. But I haven’t been in a sitting position until now. So weird.

I was able to go back to sleep. I woke up after 1300. I made a bacon sandwich and coffee. I also wanted to sneak in a shower but my foot decided to have severe nerve pain so I had to take some Neurontin. Then after a sneeze attack, my pain level shot up to 15. My regular meds won’t be able to touch it so I took the strong pain pill. It’s not even 1700, yet. I am done for the day.

I am going to be looney tunes once the Neurontin kicks in. I might read my book before my brain becomes a fog. I am reading about Robert Lowell. The book is starting to bore me because it keeps describing the same things over and over. He becomes manic, makes lewd gestures and starts fights, does creative writing, ends up in the hospital for a few months, gets doped up on Thorazine, calms down from mania. Then goes through depression trying to piece together what happened and reconcile friendships. Repeat during the next episode, which could be months or years from the last one. It sucks losing interest with this book because my favorite author wrote it, Kay Redfield Jamison. She usually doesn’t repeat herself. The book is very long, at least 800-900 pages. If this is what I have to read throughout the book, I am going to stop reading it. I can’t imagine that any reviewer read all through the book and didn’t have the same thoughts that am having. But everyone reads and interprets differently. To each their own, I guess.

I’m glad I have protein bars in my room in case I get hungry later. My mother made asparagus and eggs. I don’t think I am going to be able to make it down the stairs as my pain is so high right now. I just hope I don’t have to use the bathroom again. That will suck.

Blizzard on National Pi Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Blizzard on National Pi Day

We got some snow this morning when I woke up in pain around 7. I went to the bathroom and then checked the conditions. It was barely snowing so I thought that was going to be it. I was wrong. Two hours later it was really coming down and the wind hasn’t stopped howling. We usually get a drift by our back door on our porch. Now it’s towards the wall as that is where the wind is pushing all the snow. Most of the shingles are covered in snow on that side of the house. It’s really cold and of course our heating system isn’t working right. My brother in law had to tinker with it so I am freezing in my room.

I haven’t been in a great mood most of the day. Suicide has been on my mind for some reason, though I don’t feel really depressed. I got a call from a therapist who referred me to another therapist. I will google her later. I am not up to searching for therapists. I have to get the spelling of her last name though so I might so a reverse lookup with the phone number he gave. He also didn’t specify what degree she was. Not that it really matters. You don’t need a PhD to be a good therapist.

My sister invited us down for dinner tonight. She is making lasagna. Not one of my favorite dishes but I will eat it to be polite. My mother is making a coffee cake and some asparagus. We have no idea how the asparagus came to us as she didn’t buy it. It was just put on the kitchen table. I know I didn’t buy it because I don’t buy vegetables. I always get yelled at because they are either poor quality or I spend too much for it. I have no idea what to look for when buying so I just leave it to my mother. She has to cook it anyways so better she buy it.

I took a nap after I had breakfast. I was dreaming about Richard Gere for some reason. If I was straight, I would be so after him. He is so handsome. But it wasn’t that kind of a dream. We were working together doing something though I don’t remember what. I woke up from the dream and wanted to make coffee. I was congested so was coughing up stuff and gagging on it. It was making my mother cold because I was just in a T-shirt. I didn’t care. It was cold in the kitchen and my brother in law was inspecting the heat. He says it’s on but it doesn’t feel like it is. The wind is making the house feel much colder.

Boston already cancelled school for tomorrow. I haven’t heard anything about my city. I won’t be too surprised because if Boston cancels, usually other cities and towns follows. It was good that not too many people were on the roads. The Lt. Governor showed a video of a semi wiping out on the Zakim Bridge. If there were cars in front of the trailer, they would have been smashed. It would have been a bad scene.

I have been following the Zero Suicide chat on Twitter that is going on in Missouri. One of my friends is tweeting about it and is being totally hysterical. It cheered me up some.

Despite having coffee, I still feel tired. My mother just called me to say that dinner is ready if I want to go down to my sister’s. I told her I would after I finish this blog. A lot of people have been reading my “Knackered” blog today and been commenting on it. It’s one of my most read blogs and I am very proud of it. It is also a chapter in my memoir, “Midnight Demon”. It makes me feel good to know that it helps people know that they are not alone with Cauda Equina Syndrome and its affects. I usually share my Facebook group or the website for the private Yahoo group. Some people prefer one or both to get support. I should probably create a support page but most people don’t read my pages unless it brings them to them via a search. Or they are just exploring my blog. I have a few CES pages up.

calm before the storm

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Calm before the storm

It’s a nice day today, though it is cold. Sun is out and I was able to do errands after I had my coffee. I really wanted to go back to sleep when I woke up but I forced myself to make the coffee and then get dressed to go out. Even though it was cold, I was sweating by the time I left the store. It was wicked warm while waiting to be checked out. I am so glad I didn’t wear my heavy sweatshirt. I would have melted! Tomorrow we are supposed to have a huge snow storm. So figures today is nice and tomorrow will be hell. I bet they are going to close schools and stuff. They are already asking people to not be on the roads unless they have to be and to use public transportation when possible.

While I was out, I went to the store to get cocoa pebbles. They had Fruity pebbles but not cocoa. I was bummed. I got some granola square cereal instead. I hope it’s good. It’s new and expensive but I didn’t care. I needed good cereal. I should have bought cocoa puffs like I have been craving but the pebbles were a good substitute.

My psych got back to me and I have an appointment to see her Friday, which is good because I need a bunch of refills. She read the blog I sent her last night. It was one that I wrote last year about my depression and how I wish I could die from my illness like my father was going to die from his. This is what I wrote that really touched on the struggle with mental illness: “Waiting is something I should be used to with this thing but I am just like my father in that I want to be better now, not later. Unfortunately, that’s not how mental illness works. With my father, he isn’t going to get better. He is going to get worse and then die. I wish I had that luxury, too”.

I made a bacon sandwich for lunch. My ankle is not happy with me. But I don’t have to do anything else for the day. My mother will be making sausages and potatoes for supper. It’s one of my favorite dishes. I can smell it and it smells so awesome. It’s making me hungry. I guess the Neurontin I had last night is increasing my appetite. I just want to eat today. I might have some Oreos as my sweet tooth is being activated. I already had three pieces of dark chocolate but I still want something more. I hate when my appetite is out of control and I am trying to control it.

I called another therapist to see if he was taking new clients. If he isn’t, I am not calling anymore and will just wait to see what my psychiatrist can do. I have a feeling I might have to call the hospital triage line to get a therapist at the hospital where my psych works. That is my last resort.

Today is National Napping Day so I am going to take a nap after I finish writing this blog. I didn’t sleep well last night. I again was up until 0400. I just couldn’t settle down. I was in pain and was just waiting for my pain meds to work and then I got my second wind so it was hard to get to sleep. I had to take an Ativan to relax enough to conk out. I hope tonight is better but I don’t know.

Well, they have called a snow emergency so schools and public libraries are closed tomorrow. My niece was home sick today so she gets another day off. I knew my city was going to freak out about the snow. Soon as the weatherman says the “S” word, the city goes nuts.