Category: chronic physical pain

up early in the morning

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Up early in the morning

I woke up around 0028 and I am still up. I just can’t seem to settle down. Then my eyeball got really itchy. I thought I was going to scratch it out. I put in some eye drops and that seems to have done the trick. I think I got more drops on my face than in my eye, but that’s ok. I always do.

I am in a terrible frame of mind. I want to email my psychiatrist and tell her that Friday will be our last meeting and that I won’t see her anymore. I know that if I do that, she will likely become concerned and I might have to go in the hospital, involuntarily. I don’t know what to do. I am meeting with my therapist today, in less than 12 hours from now. I can’t let her know what my plans are because we are on the fritz. I don’t think she has earned that right to know my business anymore, including my suicidal thoughts. What is she going to do anyways when I can’t see her anymore? I doubt I will be able to see her next week. Her schedule is too “packed”.

I haven’t heard back from my psychologist friend on Twitter. I will give him a few days to help me, not that it really matters that much. If I don’t go through with my plans, at least I will have someone to call. Therapist #15 awaits me somewhere. I hope it’s worthwhile this time around.

When I was checking my messages when I got up, I had a FB message from my friend that really pissed me off. I told her not to send me those types of messages. And to think before sending. It really upset me because she knows I went to bed, yet still continued to ramble. WTF.

I don’t know why I feel so shitty (mentally). I slept for approximately two hours, but I have been sleeping all day. Now I am up and want to go back to sleep but I am feeling really hot. I am debating putting on my ceiling fan. I don’t know why it’s so hot in my room. It’s not that cold outside. I have been having hot and cold flashes through out the day. I don’t know why. That is the million dollar question.

I am really nervous to talk to my therapist after not speaking to her for about two weeks. It feels longer than that. I am going to bring up the fact that our meetings should be reconsidered and that this monthly business is ridiculous. I also want to understand why my blogs “pushed” her away. I thought therapy was a place to share your feelings, good or bad, and to learn from them. All I have learned was that sharing is a big mistake. I feel like I am being punished for speaking my mind. I won’t ever share a blog with a therapist ever again. That tool that I thought was a good idea has backfired on me and now I lost a therapist in the process. It all just sucks big time. I never would have thought that after 16 years or working with someone, it would be over because of a transference issue. I always thought transference was a good thing in therapy. Guess I was wrong.

Overslept

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Overslept

I had put on my “do not disturb” function on my phone and I thought my alarm would ring despite that. I was wrong. I slept through my grocery delivery. Now it will have to be delivered tomorrow. The guy was nice and waved the restock fee as it was my first time missing it. I know that I am not going to do that again!

After I made a few phone calls, I went back to sleep. I wanted to make coffee but my pillow was calling me. So I slept most of the afternoon. I guess all the meds that I took yesterday to sleep, caught up with me today. I am just so tired. My foot has been acting up but I had avoided taking pain meds because I didn’t want to sleep through dinner. I just took some now. I hope the pain doesn’t get worse. I really don’t want to take the strong pain pill this early in the evening.

Tomorrow I have therapy. I feel like it’s going to be awkward as we haven’t talked in three weeks. I am nervous about it. I feel more nervous that I am not going to talk to her next week either, that the time we had for a month from now will be the time we next talk. I don’t like this arrangement at all. And I am wicked pissed off that she just gave my times away and now she has to wait for a cancellation to fit me in. WTF. I still am so mad she decided to meet monthly and not discuss it with me first. I seriously, at the time, was like fuck you anyways, but I didn’t think getting in to see her would be so damned difficult.

I was talking with a psychologist friend of mine on Twitter. I sent him a DM about my situation and he said he is going to make some calls to some therapists he knows that takes my insurance. I guess when those names comes in, it will really be final that my therapist and I are through. After sixteen years, I still can’t believe it. My psychiatrist says that it’s not my fault. But that doesn’t make me feel any better.

I think I was talking to one of my friends last night before going into oblivion about how I will have to “train” a new therapist in my suicidal ways to help me. The idea of having to do this again just fills me with dread. I don’t know if a new therapist will be open to new ideas or just stuck in their way of treating suicidal patients. If that is the case, it’s not going to fucking work. I can’t work with someone with a “no suicide contract”. Those just don’t work as I can just find a loophole. The whole process is just leaving me feeling so damn nervous. It just makes me say fuck it and just go through with my plan anyways. I just feel so hopeless.

Last night I was having a hard time and I talked with my friend in Canada. We have been through a lot of shit together with CES. And we both get each other. She made me laugh and forget about my troubles for a bit. It was good talking to her. I got her payment for my book today. I will go to the bank on Friday as I am not sure I can use mobile deposit as it’s a money order.

random 965

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 965

I didn’t do much of anything today. I barely left my room except to use the bathroom. Last night I brought up some protein bars so I have been eating that. Other than that, I haven’t really felt hungry. I am in a lot of pain.

Around two hours ago I texted my therapist to have a check in. I haven’t heard back, yet. We’ll see if she does, but I highly doubt it. She still has not given me a time to meet and I am losing my patience.

I still am in a bad mood and my friend that I am upset with is now saying she hasn’t done anything wrong. I could write a whole blog about how pissed I am about her but I won’t. I’m just not going to talk to her until I can be civil. I hate it when people say things like they shouldn’t feel this way or that because they have every damn right to feel what ever it is they are feeling.

My mother is fighting with the phone company. Apparently she cannot dial out one number on her phone so she is going to have them fix it. I have a feeling when the tech was here a couple weeks ago, he fucked something up. But what do I know.

I feel wicked cold because I haven’t slept. I took a couple of pain meds and Ativan and I still haven’t passed out. I want my pain to be gone! I am getting dangerously close to feeling like doing something. I don’t care what that something is if it will bring me relief.

The weather has not been helpful. Wind and rain has been bad. I think it finally stopped now. I don’t know what the fuck I did to my left hip but it’s killing me. I have been in bed all day and when I turned to move, it didn’t like it. I am not in a good mood.

bad mood most of the day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Bad mood most of the day

I’ve been in a bad mood most of the day so I just decided to sleep it off. It didn’t help. I am still in a rotten mood. I had some messages when was awake. My therapist texted me saying she was in contact with my psychiatrist and that she will “try” to contact the therapist that I asked her to. She said she is still working on a time for us to meet. I don’t care at this point. I just want to stay in bed and do nothing.

The friend that I was talking to in the early morning sent me a few messages. I ignored them. I don’t want to talk to her today. I don’t want to talk to anyone today. Just leave me the fuck alone.

I was half tempted to page my psychiatrist this morning to see what my therapist told her. I might email her. I don’t know if I can wait till Friday. But I don’t care right now. My therapist could go to hell right now. I just can’t deal.

I got to lie down again. I wrote enough for today.