Category: chronic physical pain

I snapped again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

Last night as I was going to bed, I moved my foot like I always do and for some reason it got caught on the bedding, forcing my toes forward. I saw stars. Then I became wicked suicidal. It was late, after 2330 and I didn’t want to page my psych. I reached out to a friend who understood about chronic pain and being suicidal. We talked until the pain meds took effect and I fell asleep.

Then tonight, I was wicked tired after eating dinner so tried to take a nap. About 15 mins later, my ankle explodes in severe pain. I took my meds and when I went back to bed, more pain in my foot. I feared if I call my psych, I’m going to tell her it’s over. I’m dead. I don’t care. Hopeless as all hell. Can’t stand this shit any more. So I got in touch with the same friend last night. We talked it over. I had an anxiety attack because the pain just magnifies my PTSD. She told me to breathe and it made me dizzy. It always does. I find that if I center my breathing, I do better. Least until the ativan kicks in.

I hate this is the second night in a row this has happened. I just feel hopeless that this is my life now and I can’t stand it. It’s really pushing my suicidal tendencies to the max. I don’t know when the pain will flare. Tonight it happened after standing for 5 mins to take my meds. There is no rhyme or reason for this pain anymore. It is exhausting. 

I’ve been up since 0400. I’m really tired and need sleep but I got to wait till my pain meds kick in before I can think about lying down again. And the anxiety just put me in fight or flight mode so I have no idea when that is going to settle down. My night meds has an ativan so I’m hoping it will work soon. Otherwise I will just take another one. 

I hope I’m asleep soon. My friend suggested sleeping in the recliner but it’s downstairs and my foot will hate that. Plus, it’s not that comfy. I will lie down soon and hope my foot doesn’t explode again. Two times in one night will just kill me.

up and at ’em

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Up and at ‘em

I woke up around 0400. I have been waking up every few hours and this time, I felt a little energized so I decided not to go back to sleep because then I would feel yucky. I played with my phone for an hour, reading the latest bullshit Trump and his goonies have said or done or signed into the “Executive Order”. I was getting sick to my stomach. This was on Twitter. Then I go to Facebook and there is the same crap but worse. UGH, you just can’t escape him. Is this what it is going to be like the next four fucking years?? I hope they impeach the ass sooner rather than later.

I made coffee to try and keep my energy levels up and had breakfast. I still plan on having my espresso later when I do my errands before going to my psych appt. I am feeling a little better than I was yesterday, mood wise. But that can change. I finally took a shower and it didn’t exhaust me. I just hope my energy levels stay up. I think I am going to catch the 950 bus to the Square. I have to go to the post office and the bank. I need more mailers to send out my books. I’m going to buy a bunch of them so I don’t run out again, least for a while. My books aren’t selling like hot cakes but each book that goes out is something.

I am hoping my psychiatrist remembers to bring my book in her office so I can sign it. I sent her an email last night to remind her. I hope my appointment goes well. I am kind of nervous. I sent her my blog yesterday that still had indications that I am suicidal. It wasn’t blatant but she isn’t stupid. If she read it, I think she might have called me if she was concerned and she didn’t. Plus, I am seeing her today so we can talk about it.

I kind of want another cup of coffee but that means having to clean my French press and I am not in the mood to wash things. It’s not that hard but it’s just a pain in the ass as I hate getting my hands full of grounds. Maybe I will make a cup of tea. I am starting to feel drowsy, seems my energy has a short lifespan this early in the morning. I still have about four hours until I want to take that bus. Maybe I will take the 0700 bus and get out of the house. I haven’t left the house since last Friday. It’s been a rough week. Maybe if I hit the fresh air, I will wake up some.

I will tweet my friend on Monday to see if he has found anyone. I hate to be a bother to him because he is such a nice guy. In a way, I hope he says, why don’t I see him. It would be cool to talk to him because I really like him. I think he would be a wonderful therapist but I am scared that he will just throw me in the hospital every time I am suicidal. That is the only reason for not seeing him. He had a patient die by suicide a more than a few years ago and it devastated him. He is a little wiser now with suicidal patients. But I would love to teach him the ways of CAMS and the SSF. If I had to retrain a therapist, it would be him. But that is my dream and I don’t know if it will come true.

I will write more later when I am home from my psych appointment. Toodles.

I’ve settled down some

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I’ve settled down some

I finally stopped crying about an hour or so ago. I was talking with a friend of mine but she had kiddie problems so couldn’t really talk to me. I let her go as I was feeling drained and wanted to sleep. Here it is an hour later and I am still up. I never showered. I am going to try tomorrow morning when I get up.

My groceries came and I had my steak. I shared it with my niece, who ate the whole piece that I gave her. She is a carnivore like me. I wanted to make my cake but I had no motivation to and there is no room in the fridge. I need a space for my cake pan as it needs to be refrigerated. I will probably make it over the weekend. I really want my psychiatrist to have a slice of it to try my baking. I sent her an email so that she knows to bring in my book tomorrow for me to sign it. We didn’t do it last week.

I hope with all this crying I did today, I don’t get a cold. My nose is stuffy, even with my unclogging medicine. I would snort some more but I keep sneezing so it won’t be worth it. I had some whiskey because my mother just pissed me off and today was not the day to do it. I think it might have gone bad as it tasted different than what I remembered. It’s been sitting in a shelf for more than a few years now. I didn’t think whiskey could go bad but what do I know. I don’t drink the stuff except on rare occasions. And today was a rare occasion. I should have had gin. That is my go to drink. Oh well, I can’t have any now because I took my pain meds. I also took some Neurontin because my foot is on fucking fire. God, I hate nerve pain. It’s going to be hours before it goes away so I hope it doesn’t get worse.

I keep thinking of a story I wrote in my book. It’s kind of useless now that my therapist is gone. I just want to tear the story into a million pieces. Maybe I will modify the book so that it looks right and take the story out. But then, I really like the story and want to keep it in. It’s hard. I hate my therapist for putting me in this position. If my therapist friend is able to help me out, then I will give the new therapist a try and I won’t try and kill myself within the next month or so. But if I have to train them in my suicidal prevention ways and they aren’t open to them, it’s over. I’m done with therapy as I told my psychiatrist.

I still am in shock that my therapist just doesn’t want to deal with me anymore. It’s like I nitpicked everything that was wrong and she finally said, okay, I am letting you go now. Who does that?? Instead of trying to work through the issues, she wants me to find someone else?? But yet she still wants to keep in contact. WTF, I don’t work that way. It’s just mind boggling to me that she is doing this. How am I supposed to trust another professional after 16 years of seeing the same one? I don’t get it and it’s so painful. I guess that has been why I have been crying most of the day. It’s tearing me up knowing that we’re through and my therapist just doesn’t see it that way. I’ve gone from intensive therapy to no therapy in a month’s time frame. If I didn’t have my psychiatrist seeing me weekly, I know I would have tried to end my life, especially the other night when things got really bad. I just know that I couldn’t let my psychiatrist down, not without calling her first. Who knows, she might want to put me in the hospital tomorrow. I don’t know. I just know I am hurting as all hell from a therapist I have known for the past 16 years and now wants nothing to do with me except to be an “adjunctive” therapist. What ever the fuck that means.

therapy disaster

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Therapy disaster

I had therapy this afternoon. I’m still quite upset about it. I wasn’t sure how it was going to go. I was hoping for the best but it didn’t work out. All I did was cry at the realization that we were going to at some point, terminate. She couldn’t say the word and I couldn’t think of it. She still wanted to be some kind of adjunctive therapy just so she could have her fix of me, to keep her in the loop of what is going on and such.

All the while I kept thinking, why is this happening? I asked her why we couldn’t do weekly sessions and she said she’d just go back to her “old ways”. I don’t care if it meant having someone to talk to regularly. Right now I have NO ONE! And it’s not a good place to be in.

Then I thought fuck it. I plan on ending my life soon and then who the fuck gives a shit about her. I have no crisis response plan in place because she isn’t my therapist anymore. I only have my psychiatrist. I had emailed her about what happened and she asked me if she plans on calling future therapists. I don’t care and went off a tirade of basically fuck this and that. I don’t fucking care anymore. It’s done. It’s over. I don’t want to see her anymore and I am not. I will have one last session with the bozo (therapist) and that will be that. Her schedule will be too damn packed to see me again so I don’t have to worry about another damn session.

I cried for about an hour after session and still the tears are flowing. I have been trying to control them but it makes me so damn sad. My therapist told me she still loves me and cares about me. I think that just made things worse. I know she was crying during the session, too. I was so choked with emotion, I could barely talk. And when I did talk, I was choking back tears trying to be heard. I kept on trying to think of what it was my psychiatrist wanted to ask her but my mind went blank. I did ask her about the blogs and she said it was important that I wrote and shared them. Yea, so important that it broke us up.

I don’t know where I am heading with this, if it’s going anywhere. I am really depressed. Nothing I wanted to do today got done. I was just a lazy bastard. If I take a shower tonight, that will be a miracle. If not, my psychiatrist will have to deal with my stink when I see her tomorrow. I am sure she smelled worse though.