Category: CRPS

what a week

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

What a week!

I am sorry I haven’t been writing as frequently as I have. I have just been so exhausted by the end of the day that I can’t think and all I want to do is sleep. I am not sure what is going on, if I am having another depressive episode or if the testosterone is plummeting my energy. I haven’t been eating, and if I do, it is only one meal a day. If I remember to eat, it maybe two. I just have no appetite but have not seen any weight loss. I usually don’t have significant weight loss during these low appetite days anyways.

I have been going to my appointments. Wednesday was therapy and it went okay. We didn’t talk much about anything. I just talked about anything I could think of to pass the time. It is hard when he doesn’t ask questions about how I am doing so I just pass things off like I am okay. I had to skip two appointments with him because of pain. My heel pain is plantar fasciitis. I saw a podiatrist on Monday as I couldn’t stand the pain anymore. He wanted to give me a cortisone shot and I said no. Everything is cortisone, but I don’t believe in them. There hasn’t been good data on them helping so I don’t even know why they are still offered.

Thursday I had the pain program. OT wants me to work on using the Recognise app. It is to help train my brain to know my foot is there or something along those lines. I am just to do the basic and to do it a few times a day. I haven’t done it at all today because I was so busy. PT wore me out. She had me walk for six minutes and then I had to do squats with a chair for 20 seconds. My legs were killing me. Then she had me do some stretching exercises for my calf. That set off a flare last night. I was not happy. I didn’t do that shit today either. I thought I might be able to while baking (see below) but I didn’t have a chance as I was in so much pain with my heel. I think I might have to wear sneakers around the house rather than slippers.

Today my mother wanted me to do an errand for her. Then I had to go to the post office to mail something for a friend. The half and half that I just bought curdled in my coffee so I had to go to Stop and Shop to exchange it. While I was there, I bought a few things. I wanted pulled pork so I got that and my probiotic orange, pineapple, mango juice. It is so good! Expensive, but good. Also got my coffee and some more honey, which was on sale. I had just missed the bus so I had to wait.

I came home and then started baking. I wanted to make pumpkin cheesecake bars. Thing was a bitch. I honestly don’t know if they came out okay. The mixtures tasted good, so they probably did. I was just annoyed because it said to chill or freeze but didn’t give a time as to how fricken long it was supposed to do that. The directions were poorly written. I complained to Tasty as I got the recipe from them but haven’t gotten a response. Then the topping was a bitch. You had flour, brown sugar, and butter. And in the video, you just whipped it up. Yea okay. It wasn’t easy doing as it was in the video. I tried using the mixer and flour went all over the place. I was getting so annoyed. My pain levels were astronomical. I just wanted to get this thing done so I could nap. I melted the damn butter and then mixed it. Then I sort of separated it into smaller pieces but not small enough to cover the pan. I didn’t care. I thought it would melt. It didn’t. I took it out of the oven and then let it cool. Instructions said to let it refrigerate overnight so I will have it tomorrow. I hope it is good otherwise, it is going in the trash. I took a nap for about 4 hours. I was completely wiped out to the point of passing out. The TV downstairs was annoying the fuck out of me. I was in mega pain. I put the whisperer thing on and fell asleep within 15 minutes. I hear my mother was on the phone with my cousin so I put my phone on silent in case he called me after. He sometimes does this and it annoys the fuck out of me. He will call me to see how she is and then call her to see how I am, fucker. I really haven’t talked to him in over a month.

Monday I am going to leave a message for the repro endo doc about my energy levels because they suck. Every little thing I do just exhausts me and that is unlike me. If I was working, I would be toast the first 4 hours. I just can’t seem to do things like I used to and I am not sure if it is the testosterone or the depression. But then, the testosterone could be affecting my mood so, I don’t know. I thought it would give me some energy, not take it away.

My CRPS ankle is killing me right now. I guess the events of the day have finally caught up with it. It was hurting while I was baking but now the pain is worse. I wish there was something I could take for the heel pain. Nothing seems to help that. I have been taking ibuprofen and it helps a little bit. I watched a video last night about how to “cure” plantar fasciitis and it said to use a tennis ball, take magnesium supplements, and something else that I don’t remember but wasn’t going to do anyway. He was a naturalistic doc so was saying to eat better and shit. Okay. Every ailment has that prescription. I have the magnesium as I take that for my spasms. I will try anything to lessen the pain. I used the tennis ball today, it hurt but it did decrease the pain. I can’t use it in the kitchen as the crevices in the floor make the ball go all over the place. I had to use it in the living room while my mother watched TV on full blast. UGH. I hated that but it was the only room I could do it.

For the first time all week, I woke up from my nap rested. I haven’t been sleeping great at night. Seems every two hours I am awake. I don’t know why. I feel like I am sleeping like a baby waking up every few hours. I haven’t been taking my extra dose of Ativan so maybe that is why. I have been taking Neurontin and that causes me to feel sleepy within an hour. I posted the pic of what I baked today. Will let you know tomorrow how it came out.

Election Day 6 November 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Election Day 6 November 2018

I woke up early despite have only a few hours sleep. I had a two hour nap, stayed up until around 330 and then woke up at 0740. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I took my morning meds early and then went downstairs. I brushed my teeth and then made breakfast and coffee. I was exhausted. I told my mother and then she said I slept too much. I told her how did I sleep too much and explained what I just wrote. She just said oh. I said you don’t hear what I tell you. I was annoyed.

I went upstairs after putting some stuff away in the kitchen. I tried calling the guy the Alderman said to call for the election. I left him a message and then I called Pharmacy as my prescription was not ready yet. The script was there but they were having computer problems with it. It was a different manufacturer. I rolled my eyes. I told the tech that I wanted a flu shot as well. I know I am risking getting sick, but I have been using the T more and I don’t want the flu. I have been fortunate not to get it since 1993 and I would like to keep that record!

The guy called me back and said he had a few pick ups and then would call when he was close. I said okay. I got ready and then went downstairs. I asked my mother if she needed anything at Pharmacy and my mother said get the paper. I said they didn’t have anything she needed. She then got mad at me and told me to go vote for my “boyfriend”. I got mad and told her I don’t like boys. I like girls and walked away huffing and puffing. I was so flipping mad. I wouldn’t mind it so much but she always says she “knows me” when clearly she fucking doesn’t. Pisses me off.

I switched sneakers when I got downstairs. I put the Velcro kind of sneakers on rather than the laces. I was tired of lacing them up and then tripping on them. The Velcro fit better anyways. The guy came and went to the polls. I voted and then the guy brought me to Pharmacy. I got a few things while waiting for my prescription (apparently the flu needs a questionnaire and then written up like a script). I paid for my things and then waited for the pharmacist. I was lucky I got the pharmacist that I like. As I was leaving, the tech told me not to go to the other location as the people there are dodos and I said don’t worry, I won’t. I already knew they were bozos. I came home and realized I forgot to fill my fricken pain meds!! I will have to go back tomorrow.

I gave my mother her paper, and then she called me saying there were three things she wanted. I said well I guess you are getting them. She said I will as she can’t walk. I said nope, not going and I said bye then hung up. I am tired of her disrespecting me and not hearing me so until she does listen to me and respects me, I am not doing errands for her. Tough shit. I am taking a stand. I don’t care. I don’t think she is going to learn any other way. If I can walk to the pharmacy, she can too. She needs to do more than just stay at home. She got a new knee and it is time to try it out. Fuck. I doubt she got the knee just to stay at home to live on the couch!

I read Twitter for a bit. The Harry Potter accounts make me want to re-read the books again. I have so many books on my reading list. Only thing is, other than the John Grisham book, the rest is not fun. The Neil Gaiman book is really weird, though I am almost half way through it, but I haven’t touched it in a few months. Then I got White Fragility which is nice but mind blowing, and then Trail of Tears, which make me hate being a white person for what we did with the Indigenous People of North America. And I am not even too far into the book. I think I am only on the third chapter! I need a fun book and Harry is the answer, actually, he is always the answer! Maybe I will if I finish Camino Island, the John Grisham book.

I am really cold and tired so I am going to take a nap. I know it is going to suck and throw my sleep cycle further off but I got a total of like 5 hours sleep so I don’t care. I have therapy tomorrow and there is a lot to talk about.

Sister’s party and other things.

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sister’s party and other things.

Today was my sister’s birthday. My middle sister and the birthday girl’s husband threw a party. It was good. The food was excellent. My feet for the most part behaved. My aunts were my aunts. The lunatic one really got on my nerves. I knew she was going to sit at the table I was sitting at because I was with my mother. OMG the arguing between the three of them. I wish I was drinking. Then the lunatic wanted pictures when they did the cake. She took pics of my two sisters and I must have been dog meat because she didn’t take the three of us. I was so fricken mad. But she came over and took a pic of me and my little cousin. That was okay. Not to me but to her. I swear our feelings for each other are mutual. I have tolerated her over the years but I can’t anymore. I am just glad she doesn’t come over the house as often.

I wanted to wear my boot but I couldn’t find the piece that goes in the front. I wanted to wear it for my right foot. I have no idea if that would work as I wore it for my left. But standing and sitting and everything at the party, it would have been helpful, I think. Least to take my weight off the injury. I might end up in the thing anyways but I am not sure. I just know until I find that piece, I can’t use what I have and that sucks. I know it is in my room but when I was clearing the stuff in front of my window so my brother in law could take out my AC, I was just throwing shit everywhere, not really paying mind to what it was and where it was landing. I bet it is somewhere that I just haven’t found yet. I should have stuck the think IN the fucking boot so I wouldn’t have misplaced it. I am so mad at myself. I honestly don’t know what to do until Monday. I got to call my PCP’s office as he needs to order me something to put my foot in. I am in too much pain to not be wearing something. Plus I got to find out about the pain program and if I should start it. I am going to email the physiatrist in charge and see what he thinks. I am really up a creek. This couldn’t have happened at the worst time. I am glad I found out why I have so much pain I just wish my damn chickenshit pcp did a better job at putting me in something. Course the stupid NP thought I had plantar fasciitis and was sticking to that. Asshole. I really wish I was awake enough to tell her off but I was so shocked by the news that I couldn’t even begin to ask questions. Plus she was just like see an ankle specialist okay bye, which didn’t help. I hate having to constantly fight just to get care. Going to put an ice pack on my ankle with a tear so maybe it will speak to me again…

feeling shocked and in a flare

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling shocked and in a flare

I’ve been in pain since 5 this morning. I decided I wasn’t going to go to the pain program. I tried leaving a voicemail for the scheduler but she doesn’t work on Thursdays. So I wrote a message to both people I was seeing today through the gateway thingy. Then when my med alarm went off, I called the office to make sure they got the message.

Around 11 or so, my sister texted me asking if I got results from the MRI. I said I probably would in the afternoon or tomorrow. Around 2 PM I was feeling tired and wanted a nap so sent off a message to my PCP’’s office to see if results were back. I didn’t expect anything and tried to snooze but my damn brain wouldn’t shut off because I was aggravated with the noise from the TV. I turned on the whisperer and tried to relax but that wasn’t happening. Around 3, my PCP’s office called it was the idiot NP I met last week. Guess what? I didn’t have plantar fasciitis! I had a muscle tear. Lovely. I was shocked by the news I forgot to say I told you so and you’re an idiot but just hung up the phone after she told me to call an ankle specialist. I got to get a copy of the MRI and report. I feel so fucking nervous about this. My left foot has been throbbing all day and my right is just hurting because it is bruised. The part that is torn is also hurting me. UGH I hope I don’t need surgery.

It has been hard to stand most of the day. I thought resting would be good. I cleaned out my nightstand drawer because I had shit in there that was making it hard to open and close it. I got rid of a lot of stuff I don’t need, found some memorabilia from the Sox my former therapist gave me as well as her birthday cards over the years. I also found an email from my good friend in South Africa that I kept for sentimental reasons. There were some old stamps in my drawer. At least a half a dozen pens. Some worked and some didn’t. I left them in the drawer. By the time I was done, I had reorganized it so I knew where stuff was and it wasn’t so cluttered. It also opened and shut easily.

I tried clearing my book stacks but my back was telling me no. I got a box for my journals. I should reinforce the seams with tape so the weight doesn’t make it come apart. I threw two journals that were out in the open in it. I think I might throw the books that I have read in it as well as it is a big box. I don’t know. When I am feeling better, I will decide.

I emailed my PT about the muscle tear. She was as shocked as I was. She told me to make sure I find a doc that specializes in the foot and ankle. I have someone in mind though they are out of network. I am not sure what my bill will be afterwards. If I need surgery, I will have to see someone else. I will definitely want a second opinion. I don’t want to see the docs at the Partners hospital I go to. I might see someone outside of Boston. Or maybe a different hospital. I am not sure if I should continue with the pain program or not because I don’t want to worsen the tear. It is going to be awhile before I can get a copy of the MRI. I don’t know how soon I can get to see this doctor I want to see. I am hoping just being in a boot for a few weeks helps, though walking will be very difficult.

I need to shower but I made dinner tonight, which wasn’t in my plans but my mother was tired so. I might do it later. I want to just read my book but so far I haven’t had a chance as I just been on social media. I really need to set a timer or something to stop playing on my phone. While I was cleaning out my drawer, I found some thumb drives. There some work files as well as some other stuff. I found some old pictures of my nieces and nephew with my father. Brought up some memories of him. I do miss him.