Category: depression

Three weeks post op hysterectomy

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, gender dysphoria

Three weeks post op hysterectomy

I had an appointment to see my surgeon this morning and got up late. I just finished my coffee when I had to rush to get dressed and out the door to catch the bus. I was right on time for the appointment as the bus was late. The surgeon and I talked about my bladder and how things were going. I said I feel like I am being controlled by my bladder because I am so aware of it all the time and on a schedule to go. She said this wouldn’t be forever and to resume taking the tolterodine for bladder control. She said that while operating she could see that my bladder was inflamed from the nerve damage. We also talked about increasing the Neurontin. She agreed that taking it would help with the pain so I will be taking a dose in the afternoon and at bedtime. She also said that if I have a big day to take an ibuprofen before leaving for it. She wants to see me in four weeks unless something comes up beforehand.

I came home from the appointment and ordered Chipotle for lunch. I emptied my bladder but there wasn’t a lot of urine. I tried again after I ate and still nothing significant. I took some pain meds as I am in pain and the bladder is empty. I took a short nap kind of sitting up on the bed and my back didn’t like it. So now my back hurts.

Over the weekend I sent a message to my neuro telling her about the increase in nerve pain in my thigh. She just got back to me and looks like I will be getting an MRI to see if the L2-L3 herniation is worse. Tomorrow I can call scheduling to schedule the test. I was able to find a lidocaine patch to put on it. I am so happy because I threw out the box that I had because they were expired. I don’t know how well this patch will work but will find out soon enough.

Yesterday I ordered a half black olive pizza and I have one slice left. That will be my dinner tonight. Or was. My sister threw it away. I am so angry at her for doing it. I went downstairs to my other sister’s apt and had some pita bread with fig and some chicken that my niece didn’t want. Greek food is good.

I am so tired I just want to take my night meds and go to sleep even though it isn’t close to 7p yet. I usually take my night meds between 7 and 8p. I did a lot of walking today at my appointment. I then went to Starbucks for a mocha and a pumpkin scone, my first of the season. There is no Sox game tonight so I am glad I don’t have to be up till late. Their games have been averaging at least four hours these days. Long time for a ball game but they also have gone into extra innings some nights.

On a fun note, I colored a page from a coloring book called It’s about to get real unprofessional last night when I couldn’t sleep right away. It is themed as interns should get paid at their sites rather than not, which happens most of the time. It really sucks for a financially strapped grad student working on their final degree. The page has been retweeted a few times and I think that it’s great to give them the exposure so that more books can possibly get sold. Coloring has been a good distraction for me. It also helps me to relax from anxiety and overwhelm. My therapist replied to my message about being overwhelmed with gender dysphoria. She said to journal and write to organize my thoughts. Sometimes I am not able to do that but coloring helps to calm me down enough so I can write. I don’t know why I have been having trouble writing when I am upset. During certain times I am able to but others it is like I write a sentence and then I go blank. My thoughts become frozen and I am unable to carry on with journaling. It is very frustrating as a writer for this to happen. I am glad that this blog has helped me overcome some of the frozen thoughts as I have been able to write at least 500 words most days. If I do less, I do less. Some days I can’t so I just post a picture of an animal.

Tomorrow I see dermatology to get my skin moles looked at. I am kind of nervous about getting there because I have to take the Orange line and then a shuttle bus to get there. It is going to be a long day.

still tired despite sleeping ok

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Still tired despite sleeping ok

For the first time since surgery, I had seven hours of sleep. I slept from 2130 to about 0430 when I had to get up to empty my bladder. I debated going back to sleep and got about an hour before I got up for coffee. I didn’t eat anything with it. I wasn’t in the mood. I had planned on picking up my meds and mailing my ballot. I was going to go after therapy but by then I ran out of gas and just rested.

Therapy went ok. I didn’t stay on any one topic throughout. I wasn’t feeling it. I talked about my cathing issues and how much my bladder is disrupting my life but I don’t think she understood. I knew she wasn’t going to get it. We talked about how this Friday is the anniversary of my last hospitalization two years ago. That means we have been seeing each other for two years. We talked about that for a bit. What I liked and disliked about therapy. She doesn’t let me have a stream of thought often so I took advantage of it. I really didn’t feel like talking about trauma today. I know I could have talked about how gender dysphoria kept me from the wedding this weekend but I didn’t want to talk about it. I had enough stress about cathing.

I really wanted to nap after therapy but my bladder went overboard. I emptied at 130, then had a BM with some pee at 150, then went again around 1500 and it was full. I emptied again at 1600 and 1730. I wish I could say that I drank a lot but I didn’t. I have some discomfort but it is mild. The abdominal pain has been better today than it has been all weekend. I thought with my bladder function being better I was getting a handle on it but today just went out the window.

can’t sleep so I have been up since 0530

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, CES, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability

Can’t sleep so I am up at 0530

I feel like I have been up every fricken hour after having weird dreams. I gave up at 530 and at 6 had some coffee and a banana bread biscuit from Belvita. Nothing is going on on Twitter so I decided to write.

I honestly think the Flomax I was taking was causing urges to be strong. Since discontinuing it, my urges have been way less than they are and that makes cathing a whole lot easier. I haven’t experienced any bladder spasms so taking the tolterodine was kind of useless.

Yesterday afternoon I had a bowel explosion. Shit was everywhere and I got it on my hands while wiping. It was very soft shit so I couldn’t hold it in. After I cleaned my underwear and the toilet, I took a shower to clean myself to make sure I was clean. I felt so awful after this happened. I hate when it happens. I have no control of my stool once it reaches the rectum and enters my anal canal. I just don’t have the function of holding it in. I have nerve damage to that area. I have been trying to be gentle with myself. I colored a difficult piece of art yesterday after the accident. It took me a couple of hours to sort the colors out. And then it took me a couple of hours to color. It took my mind off my troubles as I was thinking about what color to use next. My finger got pencil coloring on it and I felt like a painter doing work.

Today is supposed to be sunny and hot. I plan on going to the mailbox early to mail my ballot. Every time I get the mail in ballot I have to do it like three times before it is accepted. The first time I didn’t receive the ballot, just the envelope that had to be signed. The second time I received the white envelope and the ballot nothing more. Third time I received the yellow envelope and white envelope with a note saying that my ballot had to be in the yellow envelope and signed. Hopefully this will be the last of it as the election is coming up soon.

I need to shave my head and face today. I have stubble that is turning into a beard. I have finally mastered the goatee so I need to shave around it. I want to use the electric shaver but I need the mirror and I don’t know where it is at the moment. I like that I can shave in my bed. I can’t do my head with the shaver because it has hair dust that stays and I will have to wash my head afterwards. Besides, I get a closer shave with a razor than the shaver. I might use my five blade razor today. Just hope I don’t nick myself with it like I have in the past.

I bought some new books that I want to read about medicine history and the enslaved people it experimented on. The book got delivered but I don’t remember where I put it. I think it is in the unopened Amazon box. Maybe I will read today rather than doom scroll on Twitter. It has been a while since I read a book. I am still working on the MLB book. It is a big book with over 500 pages. I have learned a lot but I don’t think I can write the book I want to using this book as a guide. It doesn’t give me the right information I am looking for. I don’t know where I can find it. Seems teams names changed every year before 1901 as owners changed hands. Some teams were dropped off because they didn’t collect enough tickets to be worthy of playing so their players were switched to other teams that did collect enough tickets. It was kind of confusing at first but I think I got it after I read a little more. I have a reading challenge going on like I do every year. My goal for this year is to read at least 12 books. I tried to do the 20 books but always came up short. I figured 12 would be one book a month but I haven’t finished any book since Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman. I have read 6 books so far so I only have 6 books left. Should be easy if I get off Twitter enough. I am a quarter way through the MLB book. I also bought Jim Acosta’s book, Enemy of the People. I can’t wait to start that one.

I wrote to my psychiatrist to tell him how awful I feel about my bowel and bladder issues and how I don’t think my therapist is going to be validating me on them. I feel so alone about it. Since stopping the medication, I have to keep myself on a schedule or otherwise I will forget to pee because I don’t have the urge. Also right now having a full bladder causes me abdominal pain because of the hysterectomy. I still have the stitches in me. I tried taking it off but it wouldn’t come off so I just left it. I am entering my third week post op. I don’t know when the stitches will fall off. I need to ask the nurse that when I talk to her hopefully tomorrow.

I bought some marigold seeds that I want to plant. I had bought some soil and terracotta pots for a seedling my cousin gave me but my sister was able to plant it in her pot so my pots have been sitting on the porch all this time. I might give it a go sometime this week. Marigolds are my favorite type of flower.