Annoyed, anxious, and aggravated

Annoyed, anxious, and aggravated

I have been having an anxiety attack the past few days. I don’t know what set it off. I was reading an info graphic about the difference between panic attack and anxiety attack. I read it and found I had anxiety I was feeling. Been like this for the past three days. I took some Ativan like my therapist said and did some deep breathing exercises. It helped a little but I am still on edge.

My mother wasn’t well this morning. Her sugar was low but the meter thing didn’t detect it or go off. My sister said she was still off so I took her blood pressure. Her pressure was low and then we found out she was taking an extra fluid pill that affects blood pressure. We called her doctor and told us to take the BP a few times a day each day and then call next week with the readings. I have been taking her blood pressure manually all day. It has not returned to normal. It is still low but she is not having symptoms so I think she is fine. She has been drinking fluids and we gave her some Gatorade to try and get her sugar up as well. I made dinner of chicken with BBQ sauce and rice. It was a good meal for cooking for the first time. I never made it before. I wanted to grill it but I didn’t have access to the grill. I plan on taking my mother’s blood pressure one more time before she goes to bed.

I got aggravated when my sister texted me again to take her blood pressure all so she could go out. I am pissed at this. I told her I wasn’t going to take it until bed time and she pulls this shit. She said she ordered a monitor and good luck with my mother being a good patient with that. I know my sister she will take her BP every fricken hour or every half hour to see if there is a change. Pisses me off because what is she going to do with the readings?? She isn’t a medical professional like I am. I know what to do which is why I had called the cardiologist to find out what to do about my mother’s low pressure. I am sure if it gets lower she will have to go to the hospital for fluids. Doesn’t help she has soft diarrhea like stool.

I am so annoyed. My stomach has been bloated the past few days because I am constipated. I have been taking Miralax since Monday and have not had a movement all week. I took a double dose of Miralax this afternoon. I just hope it doesn’t cause colon blow. I feel stuff moving but I still have not had the urge to go. It is frustrating me. To help my anxiety I have been taking Neurontin. Surprisingly I have been ok with a large dose. I haven’t walked into any walls. I just been on edge. My anxiety is getting really bad and I don’t know why. I took my night meds early because I have been up since 0530 and haven’t had a chance to nap all day.

I went grocery shopping and spent over a hundred dollars on food. I bought cold cuts, fruit, yogurt, juice, and my Gatorade but I forgot to buy onions like my mother wanted. I forgot to put them on my list. I brought 4 bags of stuff up the stairs and I was so winded. It took a really long time for me to catch my breath. The bags were not heavy but were heavy enough to cause shortness of breath. I was really fatigued afterwards. I had my mother help me put the things away. Then I ate my ice cream that I bought. It had rum in it but because Covid affected my taste, I couldn’t really taste the rum like before. It was a real bummer.

I have started my taper of citalopram and I think I am going to stop taking antidepressants for a while to see what happens. I have been feeling ok the past few weeks. I know I have had suicidal urges but I haven’t been depressed. People think that you can only have suicidal thoughts if you are depressed and I don’t think that is true. I think suicidal thoughts can be independent of a mood disorder. I firmly believe this.

Resting Wednesday

Resting Wednesday

I did too much walking yesterday as my legs are sore today. I woke up late because I didn’t want to get up right away. I was tired because I again woke up in the middle of the night. I stayed up till 230 and then went back to sleep. My bladder kept giving me mixed messages when my 2nd med alarm went off, which reminds me I still need to give myself the T shot. I was getting urges and then I would get nothing. So strange. I finally got up around noon after the pre-op anesthesia called me. They called me an hour early and that is ok with me. They give me a list of medications/vitamins that I am not to take the day of surgery. The day I have surgery I am to have my T shot but I will have to give it when I am home from the procedure or the next day. Seeing as I am probably going to be home in the evening and I might not be too with it, I will probably give it the next day.

My aunt was over the house when I got up for my first cup of coffee. I told her I was having a hysterectomy and like my mother, she doesn’t understand why I am having it. She said it was on the inside so no one sees it and I told her that isn’t the point. I don’t want to worry about suddenly getting a period or what not. It is bad enough I am getting cramps and don’t know if they are bladder or uterine in nature.

I am keeping track of how many catheters I use in a day. I have three boxes left and I am not sure if that is enough. I seemed to have gone through a box quickly. It will be important to know because then I can have the NP adjust the amount on my next order for catheters. I sent my pcp a message asking if he got in touch with the surgeon about post op pain management. I want to make sure things are squared away now before the procedure. Just got a response and things will be taken cared of. I am so relieved. I was so worried there was going to be a hassle. But things have been worked out and I will get the pain meds I need for post op. I am so happy right now.

I am writing this in my kitchen as I wanted to have a cup of coffee while I wrote. It has been nice sitting in a chair while writing. Tomorrow I am going grocery shopping with my cousin. I just need to get rice and some more Gatorade. Maybe some more water too. It is kind of stuffy in the kitchen but there is a breeze coming in that is cool. I normally write my blog in my room. I wanted a change of scenery today. I took out a burger for dinner. Last night I had one with Swiss cheese and habanero honey mustard and it was so good. I might have a black bean burger for dinner though. I don’t know. It will be a burger either way.

I emptied my recycling today. Tomorrow is trash day so I wanted to take it downstairs. It caused a flare of my ankle. I am trying to avoid taking a nap, which is why I had the coffee and am sitting in my kitchen writing. I just feel so fed up. I have been in pain nearly every single day for the past two months. Always my ankle throbbing. Some days I can ignore it but days like today when I am tired it is hard to ignore. I start thinking bad thoughts. I think I will be better off dead. My thoughts just stay there. I haven’t gone to the planning of my death in some time. I am not that hopeless. I find that hope has a lot to do with my suicidal thinking. It can either be a passing thought or more invasive.

being triggered and other stuff

Being triggered and other stuff

I was reading Twitter today and there was a post where a mother said her son was being teased by another boy at the pool for being a girl. It brought back memories of when I was called a boy growing up but then people would say sorry I mean girl. It would always hurt me though I never said anything. How could I? I felt like if I did, I would be corrected and told I was not a boy because of my genitals. I had some vivid memories come back and it just made me sad that I had to hide myself for so long.

I wanted to go out today but it was too muggy. I should shower as I don’t remember the last time I did. I want to shave my beard off. I had two cups of coffee to ward of naps. There still isn’t a baseball game until tomorrow. I am going to have a black bean burger for supper.

I’ve been feeling blah today. I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I should go to Starbucks and write. I miss doing that and Starbucks has opened up seating again. I am fully vaccinated so I should go.

I just texted my niece as to when will I see her again and she said she is spending the night tonight. Yay! I get to hug her and see her for at least 24 hours. I miss her so much. My nephew has been such a grump since he is unemployed. He barely leaves his room to talk to anyone.

Tomorrow I am meeting with my psychiatrist and surgeon, back to back appointments. Going to be a little stressful. I got a list of questions for the surgeon. I have a countdown of the days till surgery and I am both nervous and excited for this to happen. I also need to talk to psychiatrist about possible med changes. I was going to ask to be put on Pristiq but it can cause nausea and I don’t want to be nauseous. I might just ask for an increase in the citalopram as there is room there for some increase.

I watched a YouTube video on a hysterectomy. I was a little grossed out at first but then was ok. I wanted to see what was done while the procedure happened. It wasn’t as bloody as I thought it would be but I know I am going to be wicked sore, to say the least.

Letting go of a blankie

In keeping with what I wrote yesterday about suicide and future planning, I tweeted this gem “As someone with lived experience, it is hard to let go of the familiar pain. It can be comforting sometimes because it is all we know. Changing or letting go of the pain can be painful in itself. It’s like letting go of a blankie. Hope this makes sense.”

I’ve had horrible insomnia today. I woke up at 1 am and could not go back to sleep. I was able to rest for about an hour. I’ve been keeping my bladder on a 3 hour schedule so I am not overfull and the urge to go isn’t horrible. It has made cathing easier. Because I was up so early, I decided to get my blood drawn for my Testosterone level. It just came back as 294 so I think my doc will be pleased. I have to tell her to give me two vials at a time because one vial just doesn’t work for the dose I need. I used my last refill today.

I made more appts with my PT today. She doesn’t have time next week to see me so I am off a week. I hope she dry needles me tomorrow in my back because today they were flaring big time. I was so miserable as my ankle has been in a flare for more than 24 hours now. I’ve been taking zanaflex around the clock to try and keep the spasms at bay but it might as well be a sugar pill I am taking for all the good it is doing.

I’ve been wicked thirsty today. It is hot and muggy. I had my Starbucks 4 shots espresso with soy milk. It was so good. That has been the only caffeine I have had today. I need to shower but I have no energy. I also need to brush my teeth. I meant to call the dentist today but I never did. Need to find out why I am having jaw pain.

I see a new neurologist tomorrow. I am kind of nervous. Hope she can help figure out the shin pain I’ve been having. Hope it isn’t a CRPS spread. That is what I am worried about as the area is swollen. Just hope she doesn’t want to change pain meds on me. I will be taking an Uber there as I don’t want to expend my energy too much as I have PT in the afternoon. Around noon I am getting my haircut. Got to keep the side and back buzzed at all times.