Category: mental illness

The upside to Bipolar Disorder

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness

The upside to Bipolar Disorder

Since yesterday, I have been on a roller coaster of emotions. One minute I am happy go lucky, then next I want to kill myself. It has been alternating like this for the past 24 hours. I don’t think I will act on my feelings, only because they have been changing so rapidly and usually distraction helps. My therapist has been keeping an eye on me. I don’t see her until next week but I am to keep in touch with her. The weather has flipped to the 50’s and 60’s for the first time all winter so I think that is part of the reason why my mood has shifted. I have been feeling restless so I need to keep moving. Being on the computer only keeps my attention only for so long and then I need to move on. Playing my game is not good for me because it requires more attention and time to play. I just don’t have the patience to go through every mission and collect the stuff I need, right now.

I got my haircut today so I am feeling fresh and clean. I am really happy with this cut. After the haircut, I caught the bus to the square to get my coffee. The downside was that I needed a pair of headphones so I bought myself one. I don’t know where this money is coming from but as long as things don’t bounce, I am good. Last night I almost bought a new phone because of my impulsivity is up. But I didn’t. I bought a membership to the AAS instead. That will be good for a year. I was tempted to buy alcohol today but I really shouldn’t be drinking in my state. It might have dire consequences, especially since I have been alternating being suicidal. Luckily the downside of things hasn’t lasted long. I just don’t know why I am so upbeat. I don’t feel out of control but I feel super. I also have been feeling paranoid. Today while walking to the bus stop, I was really on edge. I was hoping I would miss the mentally disabled guy that hangs around the bus stop. I didn’t and I was really uncomfortable. He makes me so nervous because he is so rude and just expects people to give him money for the bus. One of the high school kids gave him three dollars, which was good. He wasn’t asking people but then a disabled woman came off and he asked her for money. I was like WTF. He ate a banana and left the skin on one of the seats. He then sat on it as he moved over so the disabled woman could sit down. I just wanted off the bus. I was so close to getting off my stop when the stop before mine, a mother and daughter got on. They kept on asking the bus driver questions about how to get to where they were going and I was getting more annoyed. It was not good. I really was getting heated. I just wanted off the damn bus. I know my irritability is because of my mood state but just pay your fare and sit the fuck down! Man, I was so annoyed.

I am having all the classic symptoms of hypomania, with the exception of grandiosity. I just feel really good! I am feeling little pain, though I think I overdid it with walking today and then taking a shower. My foot/ankle are not happy with me right now. I am glad I am seeing my pdoc on Friday so we can sort this out. I hope I am still in good moods when I see her. It will really suck to see her when I am in a low mood. I will be emailing her to let her know what is going on so I cover everything. Just to keep her in the loop. So weird that Sunday and Monday I was sleeping all day and Tuesday and today I am high. I still have low appetite that I am eating. I just don’t have any interest in eating if food is not in front of me. My mother made pork chops for dinner tonight and I ate half of it before I was starting to feel sick to my stomach. I ate the rest of it just so she wouldn’t think anything is wrong. But now I feel so sick, it’s not funny.

Just emailed my pdoc about the change of symptoms so she knows what is going on and I don’t have to send her this blog post. I will send it to my therapist just so she knows how hyper I am.

I got Luke Bryan’s new music. I fucking love him. If I was straight or liked guys, he would be at the top of my list of men. But I am not, I just admire him and his music. He is a cutie though.

Think I am going to try and finish reading this mammoth book on the civil war so I can then move on to Doestoevsky’s “The Idiot”. My goal is to hopefully finish it by the end of this week. That is close to 200 pages. Wish me luck!!

Twenty-Three Years

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mental illness, suicidality

Twenty-three years

Today marks twenty-three years that I have sought help for my depression and self-destructiveness. I actually didn’t seek help straight out. My English teacher noticed I was upset and pulled me aside and saw the marks on my wrist that I had made the night before. She then told me to stay after class, something no teacher has ever told me to do before. She took me to the nurse’s office. We chatted. I told her about what happened at my house the last two nights and how much I just wanted to die. She called my mother, who then took me to the local counseling center. By then, I told them “nothing was wrong” and that I was “okay”. I declined treatment and went on with my day. Daily visits to the nurse’s office became more frequent. I just stopped in to check in and told her what was going on. She wanted me to see someone so the following week I agreed to see the school counselor. Thus started my official journey into psychotherapy.

It hasn’t been an easy road. For the first ten years, I had a different therapist nearly every year. I think the only time I had two years was with the psych resident that wanted to see me or I would still be in the hospital. I went through a lot with this psychiatrist in training. While in her care, I attempt suicide and ended up being in the hospital for two and half months. When she ended her residency, I went to another psych in training. He wasn’t as good as she was. In fact, he was terrible. I felt like he was more my brother than a therapist but when I told him I was procuring more medication to end my life, he asked me if I was suicidal. That is when I knew he was an idiot. I pretty much ended our relationship within a few weeks and saw someone else. She was good, had years experience. But after I had an argument with my sister and she wanted to know more about my sister’s social life than my anger, I ended things with her. I went about a month without seeing someone. I then decided to go back to my town’s local mental health center. I saw someone there for a year and again, she decided to move on after that year mark. We were finally connected and I felt so betrayed. I didn’t think I was going to see another person again. I don’t know what changed my mind. I knew I didn’t want to see someone else at the local mental health center. I wanted to see someone private. I figured they were less likely to leave their practice. And I luckily found my current therapist and we have been together for fourteen years. It is the longest relationship I have had, outside of my psychiatrist. I am lucky that I have had just one psychiatrist for my medication all these years. She does more than just prescribe my medication. She also does some therapy and is my sounding board for the various medical issues that I have. And I can’t wait to see her again in a week after not seeing her for four long months. It is going to be weird seeing her again.

I don’t know why I have stuck it out in therapy all these years, especially when things were at their worst. I have been beyond hopeless and yet my psych team (therapist and psychiatrist) always made me see another day, sometimes against my wishes.

A quote

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness

“Never kill yourself while you are suicidal. You can, if you must, think about suicide as much as your wishes and let the thoughts of suicide –the possibility that you could do it- carry you through the dark night. Night after night. Day after day, until the thoughts of self-destruction runs its course and a fresh view of your own frustrated needs comes into clearer form in your mind and you can, at last, pursue the realistic aspects, however dire, of your natural life”. –Edwin Shneidman, Suicidal Mind, p166

I came across this passage on the last page of the book. I found it meaningful because I have spent night after night, day after day, thinking about ending my life. I have even thought about ending my life when I wasn’t so depressed and hopeless, but I never felt the urgency to end it when I wasn’t in horrendous emotional pain, or physical pain as it has been the last few years. I posted this, during a chat last night. I guess you can say that I interrupted the chat. It wasn’t my intention. I forgot the chat was taking place during that time. I tried to participate in the rest of the chat but as usual, I didn’t. Yet a few of us had a discussion on the side about how we let our providers know if we are suicidal or not. My experience with my PCP is not to let on that I am suicidal, unless he asks me directly. I cannot bullshit my way out of a paper bag so I will answer honestly when asked a question. Most times, I get the third degree about my suicidal tendencies and my narcotic medication. He wants to make sure I am “safe” with it. What he doesn’t know, even though I have told him a million times, is I am more afraid of the Tylenol content than I am of the narcotic content. But I still get the drill of asking if I am safe with the medication. I really want to say that I have other plans that are more lethal but I don’t for fear of getting tossed in the psych ER.

I am feeling like a caged rat these days. I haven’t been able to get my coffee/latte at Starbucks in weeks because of the severe snow we have been getting. I thought I would be able to go out today but the buses are on a reduced schedule because of the holiday and still trying to get dug out of the snow. Plus, it’s a measly 1 degree out. So I am just staying in my room, again. I am listening to the radio today. Unfortunately, my favorite DJ is off today. We sometimes chat on Twitter.

I found out that my book is being sold on Ebay in the UK. I think it’s funny, but whatever gets my book sold, I am for. I am supposed to send out my book to reviewers, but because of my depleted funds and mail being disrupted due to the snow, I think I will wait until the end of the month. Hope by then, the storms will have gone away. Tomorrow and Wednesday we are expected to get more snow. It’s terrible. I don’t remember a winter this harsh. I just fear flooding when it all melts.

I guess today would be a good day to work on my short story. I will try and work on it after I write this blog. The nice thing about this story is that it’s new. I haven’t posted it on my blog and I don’t think I am going to. Unlike my “Darkness will Win” post, that is going to be published. I am working on collecting a few blogs and short stories together to make my second book. I just hope that formatting goes easier the second go round. The first time it was a nightmare. I literally had to go through all 150 pages to make sure they were formatted correctly on each page. And for the life of me, I could not get the acknowledgements page to be on its own. Drove me crazy! The first copy of the Kindle was all messed up. Luckily, only a few people bought it. I fixed it best I could but I still think there is a blank page in there somewhere.

I haven’t had much appetite the last few days. I don’t know why this is. I am depressed but I am not “that” depressed. At least the day time sleepiness is gone. My therapist is on vacation this week. It sucks having her away. My psychiatrist is still out with her broken hip. I just communicate with her via email. I sent her a couple of emails and got no response as usual. I wish she would acknowledge the damn thing so 1) I know she got it and 2) I get a little feedback. I just feel like I am roughing it on my own these days. I stopped taking my antidepressant because it stopped working. I wasn’t going to increase it without her being in the office. Plus it was causing me to keep the weight on as it increased my appetite. I haven’t noticed a big change in my mood since stopping it. I really don’t miss taking it. One less pill to take at night.

What My Blog is About

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

What my blog is about

I feel like I should write this because I am tired of having to censor myself while writing my blog that is an important outlet for me. I started this blog because I was in a deep dark whole. It was a way for me to express my dark, suicidal thoughts. If this bothers you, please find another blog to read. I am not going to stop writing my thoughts because you find it offensive. This is what my blog is about, my midnight demons. I will never post the where, why, what, when I will kill myself on this blog. You will never know. But if there is more than three days of me not posting, I guess you can assume the worst, unless I am in the hospital and I am unable to post. I will usually post before going in the hospital as I very rarely get an involuntary admission. And I don’t do stupid things to hurt myself. There may or may not be a goodbye blog. That is something that will happen when I am close to really acting on my thoughts.

So, again, if my suicidality is too much for you to handle, go find something else to read. I don’t need friendship to help me through my thoughts. My writing is my therapy. And if I have to start censoring it because someone is offended, then it hurts me more than it hurts you. That is your problem, not mine.

On another note, if you don’t like what I write in this blog, DON’T READ IT. No one is forcing you to read my blogs so if it offends you or upsets you in anyway, go the fuck away from it. Find another blog to read and criticize.