Category: mental illness

today’s therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender, writing

Like every Tuesday afternoon, I had therapy with a crazy therapist. Today she really annoyed the crap out of me because she wanted to know what was inhibiting me from seeking help. I had asked her why I was in therapy. I don’t feel like I need therapy anymore yet I am chronically suicidal and depressed at times. I constantly think of ending my life. I don’t know why I asked her this. It started a fight as she got into one of her raves and it killed me hearing her listing all the reasons I need therapy. Made me sound like a big psycho. I just feel like I am wasting her time. I feel like I am a worthless loser who just is never going to get better.
I told her I told my sister I wanted to be Mike. I thought she was going to have a breakdown. She got so happy and said that I am making progress. But then I told her the downfall of it. I overdosed most of the weekend to escape from the pain I was feeling and I don’t mean the chronic physical pain I normally deal with. I was just overwhelmed with everything I didn’t want to face the world. SO I didn’t. I drugged myself to oblivion. I honestly don’t remember much about this past weekend. I know I wrote four blogs in one day. I don’t even remember what they were about. I totally checked out in my own way. I think I dissociated. It was the most painful experience I ever had and the weird part of it all was that my sister was accepting of it. She was ok with me being Mike but she told me the unpleasant side of things with my mother and my other sister and that I just couldn’t face. That was what I felt so painful. I just wanted to check out. I couldn’t stand myself for saying something. I was completely mentally exhausted from the conversation with my sister. I couldn’t and still can’t really do much of anything but stare out into space. Not working doesn’t help. I have no place I can go to get away from my feelings or from myself. I no longer have the luxury of losing myself in a pile of samples. SO I did some self harming. I checked out by taking a bunch of pills to deal with the pain of coming out as a transgender.

I told my therapist all this. She was happy but not really that I had checked out most of the weekend. But I didn’t cut like I had wanted to. I knew that if I did there would be no stopping me. I wouldn’t stop. It would be like cocaine, once I started I wouldn’t be able to stop. I would need to cut more and more to get the feeling of nothing. Those that cut know what I am talking about.

The end of the session my therapist got tearful and I’m not sure why. I think she was happy I was progressing along with the transgender stuff but I am not sure. I know two months ago I wouldn’t even think about it. But seeing as I set a date on killing myself, I want to see how far along I can go with this transgender transitioning. If I can progress toward it maybe I won’t have to kill myself, but that is no guarantee that I will not kill myself sooner. I still have thoughts and urges of hanging myself. I hope that I don’t but you never know.

ramblings 22

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

I don’t know where this day has gone. I had a disastrous appointment with my therapist in which I accidently hung up on her and we both we trying to call each other back at the same time, which just lead us to each other’s voicemails. Stupidly, I was looking for my psychiatrist number and accidently dialed it during our session. But no matter, she called me back and after I explained that I panicked and hung up on her she laughed.

My therapist is worried because of what I wrote in my last blog (mental anguish) and she wanted me to tell my psychiatrist so I emailed the blog to her while we were talking. We have phone sessions because I don’t have a car and she is now thirty miles away from me. She used to be closer but then decided to have a life outside of our therapy (AKA have a kid) and consolidated her practices to where she lives. Which sucks for me because unless I can borrow a car, there is no way I can see her. I might end up seeing her next week but it is a hassle. I have to wake up early to take my sister’s car from my brother in law who leaves around 7 every morning. That is a long day with someone who has nothing to do and then I have to pick him up from work. I can’t wait till he gets a more reliable vehicle for his own use rather than my sister’s. That is why we have phone sessions.

I got my new glasses today and seems like I will have to go back as one of the lenses is scratched. Just what I fricken need.

Having trouble with tomorrow’s writing challenge. I am supposed to write about something that I am proud of but I don’t feel like I’m proud of anything because I feel like crap right now. How can you feel proud of something when you feel like killing yourself? When you feel like you are the biggest loser on the planet? Or feel like a big piece of shit? I just want to crawl under a huge rock and hope it crushes me to death.

mental anguish

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

I feel like I have a terminal illness except it doesn’t kill you. That truly is what depression is like. An illness that takes your life away from you without killing you. The only way to end it is by you taking your life.
These are the thoughts I have been pondering for the past half hour. I just feel like I am sick but physically I am well. I am on disability for an illness that no one can see or hear. I hate this suffering every day. I feel so worthless as a human being.
My therapist thought I had my day of death in the fall. She couldn’t be more wrong. I just set a date because I just can’t go on anymore. Does it mean that I will go through with my plans? I don’t know. If the day was tomorrow, you bet I would. I feel cheated that I have to wait it out until this day. I am not going to mention it to anyone because I don’t want to be stopped.
I always plan my death. It helps to calm me down. Imagining how the knife will feel or a rope around my neck. That is gory I know but when you are in so much pain you can’t imagine happy thoughts to save you. It just doesn’t work that way. I feel suicidal so I am going to think of suicidal things. It helps to have options out there. That is all that I am doing. Giving myself options on how to die and break free of this awful cycle of being ok and being six feet under.

Another cold depressing day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, writing

It’s a very cold New England day. I didn’t want to venture out because it was bitter cold. I bought the best of Laura Branigan because I had to listen to Ti Amo and Gloria. I was looking for the Italian version she made but no such luck.
I haven’t done anything but shave and shower. I also brushed my teeth. That is one of my resolutions: to brush my teeth at least once a day. Yesterday I didn’t do too good at it though I had enough opportunities. I just was feeling really yucky yesterday like I am today.
Seems the newsletter that I am working on will be on board sometime next week. I am kind of excited but the depression is making me feel like so what. I know this is a big thing but it’s hard to get excited when you feel so exhausted and down because of the depression.
I am supposed to write a review for a book I read. I am kind of nervous about it because I never wrote a review before and right now in this frame of mind, I don’t think it will be good to write anything. It will just be depressing and that is not what the book is about.
I still have not made any decision about when to tell my family about being called “Mike”. It’s funny because those at the newsletter still call me by my initials of my first and last name. I don’t know what to be called. I guess this is what a true identity crisis is like. For this newsletter I want to be called anonymous and so I am, just like this blog. I doubt my family reads this even though I post it on my real Facebook page. I also post it on my twitter account. I started a midnightdemons twitter account but I like my twitter account better as I have had it for so long.
I texted my therapist that I canceled my appt for Monday. We’ll see if she respects it or not. I should call and cancel as that would be more meaningful but I think 4 days time of canceling is better than a phone call. I am supposed to give 24 hr notice and 3 days is more than that!
I just don’t want help anymore. I know I need it but what is it doing for me? Nothing. I talk to a person that sometimes talks more than I do for crying out loud. I have tried to get her to shut up but most of the time I what she says makes sense but I still feel like I should be talking some of the time during my session. I have tried getting a new therapist but that failed disastrously. Tried ten therapists and they all bailed on me because of my history of suicidality. So now I am stuck with a person who is thirty miles away from me and I have to have phone sessions with. Not that I mind. But I wish we could have a real session once in a while. Maybe Tuesday I will get up early to take my sister’s car so I can have it for the day.