Category: mood disorders

Sox Win Game 3

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sox win game 3

Another nail biter. My favorite (okay one of my favorites) hit a grand salami that sent Houston fans to the exits. Sox won 8-2. A grand salami is a grand slam which is when the bases are loaded and the batter hits a home run scoring 4 runs (those on the bases and himself). I love this game. It was hit by Jackie Bradley Jr. who has struggled at bat more times than I can count but has come up big when he is hot, and he has been. I always say “take that haters” because a lot of fans and others didn’t want him on the team, especially when they were looking for good hitters but he is an invaluable center fielder and saved more runs than anyone I know. He is an all around good guy and I hate the hate people give him because he isn’t a power hitter.

My foot has been hurting me throughout the game. I went out today. I gave my barbers some of the pumpkin cake I made. Then I did some shopping. I meant to buy burgers but forgot! I also forgot my food stamp card so I had to pay for my food. UGH I didn’t want to do that. I bought most of the ingredients I needed for at least two recipes. Now I just need time to make it, which most likely will be Saturday. I also will be placing my grocery order Friday. I knocked some stuff off as it was approaching almost $200. I went nuts buying stuff. I hate being on my phone when I can’t sleep because I go mad on the shopping carts. But I don’t buy them. They just stay in the cart until I have a clearer head. Not so much with Amazon. I bought two albums last night. I think it was two. No it was one album and a book by Neil Gaiman. I almost went nuts with books by Neil but I restrained myself. I don’t know how, but I did. I still want to buy David Nail’s new album. I might buy that tonight to listen to. Last night I bought Tim and Faith’s album. I can’t believe it came out but there was nothing about it coming out. UGH. I follow Tim and Faith on social media but it might be that there wasn’t a big review on it or something and it got buried with all the shit the Orange buffoon does. I muted a lot of political shit I was following because it was just stressing me out. I tweeted to vote blue and some guy asked why. I wanted to ask him has he been awake the last 18 months or so? Like seriously. UGH people are trolls. If he was not from the states I can understand but most that ask stupid questions often are trolls and I’ve learned, as hard as it is, not to respond. They go away and you don’t ever hear from them again.

I put ice on my right foot because it was bothering me. I accidently put it up against my left to hold the pack there and when I realized that wasn’t smart, I put a shirt in between my feet. UGH. I got my new therapist appointment tomorrow. I am kind of nervous about it. I hope it isn’t for nothing but when I think of the hassle of getting there weekly, I kind of hope that it doesn’t work out. If he is a good guy and he is willing to help me with real shit not just listening to me, then I can deal and it will be worth the hassle. If it does, I’ve decided to just email my therapist I see now and end things. I don’t think he will care either way. I missed three appointments with him and he hasn’t asked why or how I am doing or anything so fuck him for me coming in and saying we are done. No point in paying him for another session.

I have shot 2 tomorrow. I might write two posts tomorrow. One will be about my transition and the other just my general daily post. I might combine them. I don’t know yet. Maybe not as I want to write about how the appointment with the therapist went and the transition one. I have everything set for tomorrow. I know there is enough for three shots but probably not 4. I got to get one of the biohazard things for the needles. They sell them at Walgreens for like $7.50. I have no idea the cost to send them to dispose of them.

I haven’t seen my roommate. I think I am going to get the stuff on Amazon as I don’t think Walgreens sells the stuff I need. I will get the peanut butter from the grocery store. They love peanut butter. Damn rascals ate my powerbars that had peanut butter in it the last time we had mice. I know he is still in my room because I hear him. Things are moving and rustling.

I got a text from my mail order prescription. I sent them an email saying I didn’t get one of my blood pressure pills. I looked every where for it and couldn’t find it. I sent the damn thing and then fucking found the bottle under some bags on my bed. Fucker. So they are sending me more pills. Lovely. I am stocked for 180 days. Whoohoo. Ugh. I tried to stop it but it has already been shipped out. That will save me when I have to pay for my meds again in January. I am glad I called because the number I had was wrong. It was some federal number. Weird. My insurance is going to go up next year. I have no idea how much. Last year it was $26. But I need it for my prescriptions and dental. I need to make an appointment for my dentist. One tooth is bothering me. I am sure it is the one that the dentist didn’t want to drill. He just gave me a toothpaste to use at night but he doesn’t understand chronic pain life. He is lucky I brush my teeth once a day. It is very rare I brush twice a day. But I take my meds with Powerade so I don’t gag. I can’t take it with water. I have tried. The pills melt faster and if I can’t swallow in one go, forget it. I am throwing them up. So Powerade it is. I know it probably isn’t the best choice but it works for me. Also water in the morning makes me sick. I can have it any other time of day but cannot take it until after I have woken up and eaten or drank something like coffee. I bought two things of coffee today. Pike and Guatemala. I haven’t tried the Guatemala one so no idea if I will like it. It is medium roast, which is what I like. I will try it Thursday.

Pats and Sox win!!!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Pats and Sox win!!

Sox won. OverPrice would have had his first postseason win but they pulled him in the 4th inning. I don’t remember why as the fucking announcers were going on and on about some shit that I couldn’t follow. At one point, I lost track of the game because my favorite announcer was being shut out from speaking over the two other bozos trying to analyze what was happening while the umps conferred with one another over whether the batter got hit or it was a foul ball. I was so damn mad. I don’t watch the game as it is painful for me to sit for 3-4 hours and even though I was in my bed, I was hurting big time. I had this stabbing knife pain that felt like with each stab was trying to pry my ankle joint open. Now the top of my foot is hurting because I had it under the blankets but apparently they were too heavy. I just had the blanket (1) and sheet (1). I don’t understand CRPS even though I have had it for 8 years now.

My friend texted me the last 3 minutes of the Pats game. They won by 3 points. Brady did his thing. It was awesome, I am sure. I wish I could watch the games but like the baseball games, I just can’t sit that long anymore. I just hurt too much. I can’t listen to football games because I have no idea what the hell is going on with yards and shit. I just know when they get first downs and that is all I care about. One of the Pats players, who was hurt earlier in the season, is now out with a concussion. He is a good player. I hate to see him out.

One of the Sox pitchers in the hospital for a stomach illness. I hope the rest of the team doesn’t get it. That would be dreadful this time of year with the playoffs and stuff. He didn’t pitch too well last night so wonder if he was sick and just played through it.

I am hurting so bad. I saw my roommate. But he disappeared after I scared him away. I haven’t seen him since. I keep looking out for him so I can take a pic. I can only show it on Twitter as my sisters would freak and blame me for having a mouse in my room, like I invited him or something. They get ridiculous.

I am glad both Boston teams won today. I was watching the score of the football game as I listened to the Sox game. I got worried when Kimbrel was in the top of the 9th inning as there was a 3 run lead. He knocked it down to a two run lead and I nearly lost my shit. Then he got a fly out with the next batter and game over. I was happy then. Just wish this pain was down. I took my breakthrough med at 11 pm. That was two hours ago. I think this is nerve pain so that is why I took some gaba. I also took some fiber pills as I haven’t had a bowel movement in three days. I hate that I have to keep on top of this or I get back up real quick and it takes dynamite to go.

In two days I have shot 2 of T. I hope that I have some changes. All that I have noticed since stopping the female hormones is stupid vaginal stuff that I fucking hate and is yucky. But no bleeding and crossing fingers, hope that continues. It only has been a week so still early to tell. All evening, I have been moving my head up and down to see through my glasses to read shit on my phone. I think I am going to get new glasses because this is ridiculous. I don’t know if it is because the lenses are smaller than my other frame or what. It is just annoying.

I don’t know how I am going to sleep with my foot not under the blankets. I have not been successful with one foot out. It gets cold and I have to have it under. Nerve pain is so damn annoying. I am getting tired from meds. But my foot pain hasn’t calmed down enough for me to move it. I am so damn aggravated. Temps are going down tonight. It is already 44 degrees, a ten degree drop from earlier today. Going to be cold most of the week. Thursday when I see my PT it is going to be 40 degrees, but that might change. Least there won’t be rain this week. I can deal with the cold as long as there isn’t precipitation.

Clean water, doctors, and of course, chronic pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Clean water, doctors, and of course, chronic pain

Sox lost last night so that is the “clean water” part of this blog. They were losing 3-2 in the 7th inning when sleepiness overcame me and I had to lay down. I woke up this morning to find out they lost 7-2 so I am glad I didn’t stay up to hear the rest of the game. I was so fucking annoyed with the ump. Our manager got ejected in the like the second inning arguing the strike call that was clearly a ball to everyone but the fucking ump. I was so pissed at that because it happened between innings so no one saw the ejection, just him walking into the clubhouse. Then my friend’s husband texted me during the 1st inning. He had called me but I wasn’t in the mood to talk, to anyone. I just let it go to voicemail. I texted him at 6, two hours before the game. He didn’t want to talk then. Just during the game. Ugh!

Here is an article about the “red flags” on doctors and when you should see another one

16 ‘Red Flags’ That Might Mean It’s Time to Find a New Doctor

I usually don’t share or read Mighty.com articles because they gloss over the seriousness of illnesses, especially about the mental illness they write about. It just pisses me off because to me, it isn’t really how things are in the world. But this one is pretty good. It mostly talks about psychiatrists but also a few specialists and primary care providers. I have seen them all and usually don’t go back if they don’t hear me because, why bother?

I woke up with my left hip hurting me today. I have no idea why. I might be sleeping wrong or something. I sleep on my side and usually with a pillow between my legs. The pillow is not that thick but maybe I am not turned over that much to align my body? I don’t know. I just know the muscles are angry and I don’t know what to do about it. I might put heat on it to see if that relaxes them down. I don’t want to do my exercises for my left leg as my hip is so damn sore right now. Usually it goes away with movement but not today. My mother has no sympathy, of course, because her “whole body hurts”. I often wonder if she has fibromyalgia. But I also know that if she did, she would refuse the diagnosis and just say it is old age.

I am going to have my pumpkin poke cake today. I wanted to have my coffee first. I needed coffee. I made the cake yesterday. I am kind of disappointed that the condensed milk was so thick it wouldn’t get out of the can and then wouldn’t soak through the cake. I had to spread it into the holes I made. Then I put the cool whip on top. I was hoping to have a slice around game time but I got lazy and didn’t go back downstairs. I hope it came out good.

I have a roommate. There is a mouse living in my room. It is a little field mouse and it is cute. I got scared at first but then it just stayed there and as I stared at it, I didn’t get scared. He was under my bed for a while. I had taken a nap and woke up to some papers rustling. Had no idea where the noise was coming from. I sat up and poof, ran out from under the bed. Then he ran back under. Around game time, he shot out and was poking around my plastic slippers. I looked to see what he was doing and then he got scared and ran toward the window side of my room. I haven’t seen him since. I got to get some stuff so he goes away. That would explain the noises I have been hearing in my room. I just hope there isn’t a dead one somewhere. I had a smell in my room a few weeks ago, maybe a month now. Have no idea how the little guy came into my room. I am nearly on the 3rd floor of the house so not from the ground. Hope there aren’t more of his friends in the house. My mother and sister will freak out. I know my mother will because she will have to call the exterminator again. We fixed the foundation crack and stuff so I don’t know. Those buggers find a way in. Thing is, we have feral cats near and living on my sister’s porch. They are fired now! HAHA.

Dystonia, no nap, and an unhappy Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I had an early morning appointment with my PCP. I will never make an early appointment again. I just can’t seem to get moving and then I am rushing to get out the door to catch the bus. It was raining this morning but not hard. Just kind of misty. I didn’t care. I hate the sunlight. I think in my previous life I was a vampire, lol.

The appointment was as appointments go. He told me about weight, not “wanting me to feel bad”. If that was the case, why bring it up?? I wish I told him that unless you are going to put me on a diet pill, nothing is going to work. I am on meds that make me hungry and keep weight on. I can’t exercise because of the ankle situation so what the fuck am I supposed to do? Starve myself to a fake weight that you think I should be? I mean, seriously. We go through this every fricken appointment. I am tired of it. I don’t like the rolls of fat I have and here is a tip genius, with T I am going to gain weight because it will be muscle mass, what then?? I didn’t say any of this. I just let him go on and on about diet and changing things and what I eat and blah blah blah. Then he asked if I would see a nutritionist and I said yes just to get him off my back. I don’t know if my insurance covers it. I am not going to go to someone that is going to tell me what groups to eat and what to avoid. I eat what I like. I am not going to deprive myself of that pizza or fries because it might put weight on me. I just have no will power. I like carbs. I know I should watch out for it but lately I have been feeling like crap and not been able to choose what I want to eat. It is just what is the easiest to make. Fried egg and toast, fine that is what I will have. If I want a sandwich for lunch, fine. Whatever my mother makes is dinner, which is usually some meat and potatoes or pasta/rice dish. She doesn’t like steak and I can’t afford to have more than one steak every couple of months. I am going to try a keto pizza recipe I got from facebook.

Before I left, I had to sign a new pain contract and give a nice urine sample. Pisses me off (no pun intended). I could go on a soapbox here but I am not feeling well. I made an appointment to see the chickenshit in three months. He agreed, thank god, to take over the scripts for my pain meds. I am happy about that. No more asshole pain doc to see.

I missed both buses home so I had to wait about 45 minutes for the next one. I was tired and a little hungry as all I had was espresso. I had no idea what to have. I was having severe allodynia with my foot. It was burning and very sensitive to touch. The glob (are where all ligaments and cartilage are) was killing me. I thought it was unusual to have so much nerve pain that early in the morning. I took some Neurontin, my morning meds, and an Ativan when I came home. I just wanted to sleep. It took about three hours for meds to kick in. I went to lay down and my damn muscles in my foot and ankle go fucking berserk! It was trembling uncontrollably. It was freaking me out. I sat up and it was still firing away. I have no idea what the fuck was going on. I emailed my psychiatrist but haven’t heard back from her. I posted in my group and they didn’t know either. I googled and saw that it was dystonia. I don’t like that term at all. It is a side effect that can occur with psych meds such as the one I am taking for my voices. Anti-psychotic drugs can cause this side effect, not so much the newer ones but the older ones, yes. I don’t take the first generation anymore but this wasn’t bilateral at all and was confined to the area where my CRPS is. I found out that CRPS can have this term. FUCK. And it is a progression of the disease. That just made my fucking day! It has been going on for three hours now and I can’t seem to get it under control. I take my night meds in about twenty minutes but I think I am going to take it in ten. I need the Ativan. That might help. I tried magnesium and Powerade. Also got the heating pad out and put the fleece blanket back on the bed. I thought it was just weather changes and it might be but fucking A, this shit is scaring the crap out of me! I am so tired. I needed comfort food so I just made a plate of tater tots for my caloric intake for the day. I had three cookies.

Well that is all for now. I am feeling nauseous and must lay down and hope my foot doesn’t get worse. Until domani (tomorrow).