Category: mood disorders

30 Aug 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

30 Aug 18

I am in a flare right now because I helped my mother with dinner. I was in my room and she yelled for me so I kind of ran down the stairs to make sure she was alright. Next thing I know she is telling me to do this and that for dinner. After things were cooking, I went up my to my room to shut the light off and close my door as the AC was running. When I went down a few steps to go eat dinner, my ankle crapped out on me. I tried going down a few more steps but it just hurt more. I called for my mother to hand me my cane. I needed to get back to my room for breakthrough meds. Though I am hurting so much that it isn’t touching it. I just moved my damn foot to shut the ceiling fan and that just sent pain waves through me.

I went to Starbucks earlier today. I wanted to get my haircut but my barber was not in. I will try to go tomorrow. It all depends on what time I get out after I see my friends. We are meeting late morning. I see my pain doc in the morning and then will be going to another part of Boston to see them. As I now had time to write, I wrote in my journal for a bit and then I saw something on Twitter that sparked me to write an essay about suicide and hotlines. I wrote until it became too emotional for me and I had to stop. Then I spent too much time on social media on my phone and lost my train of thought. I thought I would type it up when I got home as I knew it would be less than 300 words but I really don’t want to stir things up with this flare I am in.

I am very tired and just took my night meds. I plan on taking another breakthrough med with my night time pain med. I’ll also take some Neurontin to help with sleep and any nerve pain I might get once the physical pain settles down. I just used the bathroom and it was hard coming up the stairs. I wish the bozos at the brace clinic fucking listened to me so I could have something to put my foot/ankle in so when I flare, I don’t use it and it can rest. I know it is because it is fatigued and that is why it doesn’t want to “work”. I can feel the fatigue. I also had a spasm just from moving it a little to shut off my fan. My stupid AC isn’t working right. It is on 60 on medium. I should be freezing but am just a little cold, which I can tolerate without having to put on my long sleeve shirt. I can’t stand long enough to move the stuff in front of it to see if the filter needs to be cleaned or the vents need to be adjusted. I thought with the ceiling fan off, it might feel colder. It has, just a tad.

Hunter Hayes just came out with a new song called Dear God. It is so good. I am not sure if the song is out. Figures a male artist comes out with a new song but when Terri Clark came out with a new song last week on radio, Boston didn’t pick it up. I am so mad there are more male artists than female on the radio. I have more male country artists than female. Carrie Underwood and Miranda Lambert dominates the radio waves. I heard a podcast that Terri Clark has and she said it infuriates her that female artists just don’t get the same radio play as male artists. I honestly wondered why Martina McBride, Sara Evans, and other female artists that I grew up on were no longer on the waves and I guess that is why. Sara has come out with a new album as I follow her on social media. Other than that, I wouldn’t have known. I am more of buying albums than individual songs for certain artists and she is one artist I would buy the album, if I have the money for it. Sometimes it takes me a while to budget for albums, but if I want the song, I will get it. Like Luke Combs, I first heard his song Hurricane and liked his beat so bought the album. I loved his album, though I think the deluxe is a rip off as it is the same album but has a few more songs. If I had known that, I would have just bought those songs and made a playlist for the entire thing. I did that with Blake Shelton’s greatest hits. I think I just had to buy one song on the album and made a playlist for the album, boom, I have the album. I didn’t have to buy songs I already have!

28 Aug 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

28 Aug 18

My cell phone provider has been calling me all week. I finally answered the phone and they wanted me to upgrade. I told them to take me off their list as I will upgrade when I want not when you tell me to! Idiots.

I had PT today. My leg cramped up because of being weak. Then we worked on my thigh. We basically just massaged it with lotion, which I didn’t use last night when it was hurting the fuck out of me. It was hurting me today but walking around made it feel better so I didn’t care. I have no idea if massage is the only treatment for it or not. I wasn’t clear on what else can be done for it. She explained why it was hurting but it was kind of over my head. Something about the muscle being in a short position when I am on the computer or just resting in my bed. Doesn’t help with getting rid of the pain!! I still have to wear the stupid fucking air cast. I hate that thing. My AFO I had to remove on the way home. It just got really hot and my foot was burning so damn bad. I changed to my new sneakers and not sure if the plastic is getting hot from the heat or what. I got to call the brace clinic to find out what to do as this is not good. I would love to go without but am afraid that if my ankle goes out on me, I will be dragging my foot and that will be worse. My PT wants me to carry the cane with me just to have some support. I told her about how yesterday people were just stupid! I wanted to carry it just to hit people on the head. But she said just carry it in the bag. UGH ok. I need a bigger bag for all the things I need to carry. My messenger bag that I paid good money for is small for my needs. I am on the fence to go back to a backpack.

It was really hot today. I wanted to shower when I got home but lost the energy for it. I am too tired. I will tomorrow. I canceled therapy. My therapist sent me an email for that and for Monday as it is a holiday. I won’t see him until next week. By then things should be settling down some. I still have to work out the 2nd week in Sept as I have a lot of stuff going on. I might cancel that Wed so I have a rest day. I can’t do anything about seeing my PCP that Thursday as it will be a bitch to reschedule. Then wedding and concert. Yay! Not. I am still nervous about it.

My PT was telling me that she wasn’t surprised I flare every Monday as I am going through emotional stuff in therapy and then getting there and home takes a lot of energy. CRPS is a nervous system thing and so is the emotional stuff. So what ever I can do on the downtime on the ride home will help me. I usually listen to music but I can’t deal with the idiots that get in my way or the bumpy bus ride.

Tonight I am going to try and not pay attention to the game. They are playing the Marlins, interleague. I don’t like interleague games. I think it is stupid. But whatever. I don’t have a say in the schedule. The September schedule looks to be a bitch as we play tough teams, except the Mets but even easy teams we seem to lose so I can’t count them as an automatic win. We still are six games ahead of the snakes, who lost yesterday so that helped. Our last three games of the season is with NY. I have a feeling it is going to be a division thing but we’ll see. Just nerve racking but I am not going to think about it tonight. I am just going to listen to country music and maybe read Poe Shadow. Hope my pain doesn’t get worse. I usually know by 2100 if it will and it is not close to that time yet. Hate my life so much.

27 Aug 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

27 Aug 18

I am taking the bus three fricken hours before my appointment and I still don’t have time to write in my journal after I get my drink and maybe some food at Starbucks. I have like maybe a half hour. Damn bus is just not coming at the time I need it to. I don’t want to leave earlier because then it will be too early.

I just dealt with a massive amount of rudeness on the T today, particularly with the buses. I am a courteous person. I let people get off the bus before I enter. But others are not so courteous. On to my therapist’s office, a lady stood in front of the bus where I couldn’t pass except to the side of her. I could have tripped on the way out. I fucking hate that. My biggest pet peeve. Then on the ride home, two bikers rode by prohibiting me from getting on my bus. There are not to be any bikes on the sideway busway. I was so pissed. I made the bus but I swore if I missed it I was going to knock them down or something. I am seriously going to carry my cane as I think that will send the message I am not a fucking “normal” person. Obviously, the two braces aren’t doing shit!! But then, who looks at people’s feet when boarding bus/train? I sent a message to the T police and T. I didn’t get a response. I didn’t swear either, though I really wanted to.

Therapy went okay. I am still frustrated with everything. I have no idea if talking about things is helpful or not. My therapist has a sense of humor that is dryer than mine, which makes me laugh. We didn’t talk about anything except my pain and my anxiety of the upcoming wedding and concert in Sept. He tried to get me to talk when I was silent but I am so good at deflecting that it goes nowhere. Half the time, I just blank out.

I had bought some CRPS keychains a couple months ago and they came today. They are pretty cool. I love them. I might give one to my PT. I haven’t decided yet. I am not looking forward to PT as I haven’t done the exercises. I have been too busy and in too much pain. Plus I have been doing a lot of walking so that has to count as something (walking around the house that is, not outside. I’d be dead). I am still waiting for my CRPS shirt. The trouble is, I ordered this stuff from the UK group I am in. Things are slow and I understand because pain is a bitch. I have sent books out before I got the money for it and then never received the money. I will not make that mistake again. But now I have paypal so that will help, I hope. I’ve never used it before for sending payment but other people have sent me money or I have sent them money. Seems like a good service. As long as I remember my password…

26-Aug-18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

26 Aug 18

Didn’t write a blog yesterday. I did a lot of stuff once my groceries delivered. I then crashed around 1430 and I was done for the day. My mother called me for dinner and it took me a half hour to get up and eat something. I stayed up for a little bit but didn’t feel like writing. The Sox were bombing at the Trop. Someone or something jinxed them and they lost their first series of the season. It was Player’s Weekend and their jerseys were horrible. I hated the hats. Tampa Bay was so much worse. They have tomorrow off and I hope it rests them a bit.

I wanted to bake something today but I went back to sleep after I used the bathroom and woke up late. By then it was hot as hell in the kitchen. I just made a sub for lunch. Then ordered some Burger King for dinner. I don’t usually eat BK, but it has been a long while since I had the whopper and onion rings so I figured why not. The delivery guy got lost. The place is not far from my house. It is like 3 lights and boom, my house is there. But he said his GPS was wrong or something. I don’t know. My food was cold so I didn’t enjoy it as I would have. I probably won’t order again. I like McDonalds anyways.

I did my med box for the week. I got aggravated because I knew the damn female hormones were on my bed in the clutter. I started throwing shit off my bed to find it. I am so annoyed. When I do clear it off, and change my sheets, nothing is going there again. Course I said that last time and it didn’t work. I got to try and keep that corner of my bed clear because it is a bitch to clear off. Maybe I will just get a box and throw shit in there rather than put it on my bed. I don’t know. I have to change my sheets as the foam topper is annoying the fuck out of me. I am going to duct take that shit to my mattress and hope it works. I honestly don’t know what to do. My next step is to get another mattress or foam thing. I will have to get it at a mattress store. There is one mattress that comes in a box and it has memory foam. It is like $600 or so. I have to look into it as it isn’t like a Serta or Therapeutic thing. I think it is called Lull. It was a stupid ad on Instagram that sucked me in. So now all the box mattresses ads are coming at me. I just want a quality mattress that will last more than a few years and stay within my budget. But this topper likes to slide off the bed as I am getting up. I don’t notice it until I get back on an there is less space between the foam and my nightstand. Both corners of my sheets are off so I can shove the thing where it is supposed to be. That is why I am worried the tape isn’t going to work. It will just slide off, come undone or something. If they sold huge amounts of superglue I would buy it to adhere the topper to my mattress. But it might be time to get another one and call the $60 a waste. The $100 one I bought like 15 years ago lasted me a long time. I only had to give it up because it was old and coming apart. Foam was sticking to my sheets and it was just gross. Now this one isn’t staying on the damn bed! If anyone has a foam topper they love, please comment and tell me what it is!

Was talking to my barber buddy. I showed him a pic of the back of my head as I just shaved it. It wasn’t as bad as I thought but he told me I should stop for a few days and then show him again to see how it looks. Then I see my barber for a line so I can use as a guide and sort of fix it. The top is getting to be the length I want it to be and should be by the time of my cousin’s wedding. I want the top spiked and the sides and back shaved. I honestly have no fucking idea how I am going to go to this wedding, with a week full of appts, and then a concert the next fucking night. I am already having anxiety over this. My sister spent good money on the tickets so I don’t want them going to waste. This is why I am so damn angry with the pain doc because if he fucking increased the dose, I wouldn’t be worrying. I would be covered. But the guy is an asshole. I still have no idea how I am going to deal. And it is a long car ride to the wedding and to the stadium so that got me nervous, too. I don’t know if we are coming home the night of the wedding or not. My sister was talking about getting a hotel near the stadium but not sure if that is still the plan. I just will be having a shit load of pain meds on me and limit my alcohol intake. Just one or two drinks will be my limit. I don’t know if my cousin that moved to Texas will be there. He is like the male version of the lunatic, but 4 notches down and can be reasonable. I really love him as he is gay and has been open in the family for a while. He just got married to his lifetime partner. They are a cute couple. I know I am going to feel like an outcast at this wedding. I always do with events on my mother’s side of the family. I don’t know if it is because I don’t hang around as much as my sisters do or what, but I always feel like a stranger.

My sprained ankle was causing me pain this morning. I did some exercises but not all because it hurt. My other ankle is a bitch and a half so I just hope it doesn’t flare up later like the dickhead it is.