Category Archives: mood disorders

Pats and Sox win!!!!

Pats and Sox win!!

Sox won. OverPrice would have had his first postseason win but they pulled him in the 4th inning. I don’t remember why as the fucking announcers were going on and on about some shit that I couldn’t follow. At one point, I lost track of the game because my favorite announcer was being shut out from speaking over the two other bozos trying to analyze what was happening while the umps conferred with one another over whether the batter got hit or it was a foul ball. I was so damn mad. I don’t watch the game as it is painful for me to sit for 3-4 hours and even though I was in my bed, I was hurting big time. I had this stabbing knife pain that felt like with each stab was trying to pry my ankle joint open. Now the top of my foot is hurting because I had it under the blankets but apparently they were too heavy. I just had the blanket (1) and sheet (1). I don’t understand CRPS even though I have had it for 8 years now.

My friend texted me the last 3 minutes of the Pats game. They won by 3 points. Brady did his thing. It was awesome, I am sure. I wish I could watch the games but like the baseball games, I just can’t sit that long anymore. I just hurt too much. I can’t listen to football games because I have no idea what the hell is going on with yards and shit. I just know when they get first downs and that is all I care about. One of the Pats players, who was hurt earlier in the season, is now out with a concussion. He is a good player. I hate to see him out.

One of the Sox pitchers in the hospital for a stomach illness. I hope the rest of the team doesn’t get it. That would be dreadful this time of year with the playoffs and stuff. He didn’t pitch too well last night so wonder if he was sick and just played through it.

I am hurting so bad. I saw my roommate. But he disappeared after I scared him away. I haven’t seen him since. I keep looking out for him so I can take a pic. I can only show it on Twitter as my sisters would freak and blame me for having a mouse in my room, like I invited him or something. They get ridiculous.

I am glad both Boston teams won today. I was watching the score of the football game as I listened to the Sox game. I got worried when Kimbrel was in the top of the 9th inning as there was a 3 run lead. He knocked it down to a two run lead and I nearly lost my shit. Then he got a fly out with the next batter and game over. I was happy then. Just wish this pain was down. I took my breakthrough med at 11 pm. That was two hours ago. I think this is nerve pain so that is why I took some gaba. I also took some fiber pills as I haven’t had a bowel movement in three days. I hate that I have to keep on top of this or I get back up real quick and it takes dynamite to go.

In two days I have shot 2 of T. I hope that I have some changes. All that I have noticed since stopping the female hormones is stupid vaginal stuff that I fucking hate and is yucky. But no bleeding and crossing fingers, hope that continues. It only has been a week so still early to tell. All evening, I have been moving my head up and down to see through my glasses to read shit on my phone. I think I am going to get new glasses because this is ridiculous. I don’t know if it is because the lenses are smaller than my other frame or what. It is just annoying.

I don’t know how I am going to sleep with my foot not under the blankets. I have not been successful with one foot out. It gets cold and I have to have it under. Nerve pain is so damn annoying. I am getting tired from meds. But my foot pain hasn’t calmed down enough for me to move it. I am so damn aggravated. Temps are going down tonight. It is already 44 degrees, a ten degree drop from earlier today. Going to be cold most of the week. Thursday when I see my PT it is going to be 40 degrees, but that might change. Least there won’t be rain this week. I can deal with the cold as long as there isn’t precipitation.

Clean water, doctors, and of course, chronic pain

Clean water, doctors, and of course, chronic pain

Sox lost last night so that is the “clean water” part of this blog. They were losing 3-2 in the 7th inning when sleepiness overcame me and I had to lay down. I woke up this morning to find out they lost 7-2 so I am glad I didn’t stay up to hear the rest of the game. I was so fucking annoyed with the ump. Our manager got ejected in the like the second inning arguing the strike call that was clearly a ball to everyone but the fucking ump. I was so pissed at that because it happened between innings so no one saw the ejection, just him walking into the clubhouse. Then my friend’s husband texted me during the 1st inning. He had called me but I wasn’t in the mood to talk, to anyone. I just let it go to voicemail. I texted him at 6, two hours before the game. He didn’t want to talk then. Just during the game. Ugh!

Here is an article about the “red flags” on doctors and when you should see another one

https://themighty.com/2018/10/bad-doctor-red-flag-comments/?fbclid=IwAR34snRUCPKhj0S5BY0YSp-NJHjwfjXGSj_La38acrvx6hZlyhZk5vMFgCQ

I usually don’t share or read Mighty.com articles because they gloss over the seriousness of illnesses, especially about the mental illness they write about. It just pisses me off because to me, it isn’t really how things are in the world. But this one is pretty good. It mostly talks about psychiatrists but also a few specialists and primary care providers. I have seen them all and usually don’t go back if they don’t hear me because, why bother?

I woke up with my left hip hurting me today. I have no idea why. I might be sleeping wrong or something. I sleep on my side and usually with a pillow between my legs. The pillow is not that thick but maybe I am not turned over that much to align my body? I don’t know. I just know the muscles are angry and I don’t know what to do about it. I might put heat on it to see if that relaxes them down. I don’t want to do my exercises for my left leg as my hip is so damn sore right now. Usually it goes away with movement but not today. My mother has no sympathy, of course, because her “whole body hurts”. I often wonder if she has fibromyalgia. But I also know that if she did, she would refuse the diagnosis and just say it is old age.

I am going to have my pumpkin poke cake today. I wanted to have my coffee first. I needed coffee. I made the cake yesterday. I am kind of disappointed that the condensed milk was so thick it wouldn’t get out of the can and then wouldn’t soak through the cake. I had to spread it into the holes I made. Then I put the cool whip on top. I was hoping to have a slice around game time but I got lazy and didn’t go back downstairs. I hope it came out good.

I have a roommate. There is a mouse living in my room. It is a little field mouse and it is cute. I got scared at first but then it just stayed there and as I stared at it, I didn’t get scared. He was under my bed for a while. I had taken a nap and woke up to some papers rustling. Had no idea where the noise was coming from. I sat up and poof, ran out from under the bed. Then he ran back under. Around game time, he shot out and was poking around my plastic slippers. I looked to see what he was doing and then he got scared and ran toward the window side of my room. I haven’t seen him since. I got to get some stuff so he goes away. That would explain the noises I have been hearing in my room. I just hope there isn’t a dead one somewhere. I had a smell in my room a few weeks ago, maybe a month now. Have no idea how the little guy came into my room. I am nearly on the 3rd floor of the house so not from the ground. Hope there aren’t more of his friends in the house. My mother and sister will freak out. I know my mother will because she will have to call the exterminator again. We fixed the foundation crack and stuff so I don’t know. Those buggers find a way in. Thing is, we have feral cats near and living on my sister’s porch. They are fired now! HAHA.

Dystonia, no nap, and an unhappy Friday

I had an early morning appointment with my PCP. I will never make an early appointment again. I just can’t seem to get moving and then I am rushing to get out the door to catch the bus. It was raining this morning but not hard. Just kind of misty. I didn’t care. I hate the sunlight. I think in my previous life I was a vampire, lol.

The appointment was as appointments go. He told me about weight, not “wanting me to feel bad”. If that was the case, why bring it up?? I wish I told him that unless you are going to put me on a diet pill, nothing is going to work. I am on meds that make me hungry and keep weight on. I can’t exercise because of the ankle situation so what the fuck am I supposed to do? Starve myself to a fake weight that you think I should be? I mean, seriously. We go through this every fricken appointment. I am tired of it. I don’t like the rolls of fat I have and here is a tip genius, with T I am going to gain weight because it will be muscle mass, what then?? I didn’t say any of this. I just let him go on and on about diet and changing things and what I eat and blah blah blah. Then he asked if I would see a nutritionist and I said yes just to get him off my back. I don’t know if my insurance covers it. I am not going to go to someone that is going to tell me what groups to eat and what to avoid. I eat what I like. I am not going to deprive myself of that pizza or fries because it might put weight on me. I just have no will power. I like carbs. I know I should watch out for it but lately I have been feeling like crap and not been able to choose what I want to eat. It is just what is the easiest to make. Fried egg and toast, fine that is what I will have. If I want a sandwich for lunch, fine. Whatever my mother makes is dinner, which is usually some meat and potatoes or pasta/rice dish. She doesn’t like steak and I can’t afford to have more than one steak every couple of months. I am going to try a keto pizza recipe I got from facebook.

Before I left, I had to sign a new pain contract and give a nice urine sample. Pisses me off (no pun intended). I could go on a soapbox here but I am not feeling well. I made an appointment to see the chickenshit in three months. He agreed, thank god, to take over the scripts for my pain meds. I am happy about that. No more asshole pain doc to see.

I missed both buses home so I had to wait about 45 minutes for the next one. I was tired and a little hungry as all I had was espresso. I had no idea what to have. I was having severe allodynia with my foot. It was burning and very sensitive to touch. The glob (are where all ligaments and cartilage are) was killing me. I thought it was unusual to have so much nerve pain that early in the morning. I took some Neurontin, my morning meds, and an Ativan when I came home. I just wanted to sleep. It took about three hours for meds to kick in. I went to lay down and my damn muscles in my foot and ankle go fucking berserk! It was trembling uncontrollably. It was freaking me out. I sat up and it was still firing away. I have no idea what the fuck was going on. I emailed my psychiatrist but haven’t heard back from her. I posted in my group and they didn’t know either. I googled and saw that it was dystonia. I don’t like that term at all. It is a side effect that can occur with psych meds such as the one I am taking for my voices. Anti-psychotic drugs can cause this side effect, not so much the newer ones but the older ones, yes. I don’t take the first generation anymore but this wasn’t bilateral at all and was confined to the area where my CRPS is. I found out that CRPS can have this term. FUCK. And it is a progression of the disease. That just made my fucking day! It has been going on for three hours now and I can’t seem to get it under control. I take my night meds in about twenty minutes but I think I am going to take it in ten. I need the Ativan. That might help. I tried magnesium and Powerade. Also got the heating pad out and put the fleece blanket back on the bed. I thought it was just weather changes and it might be but fucking A, this shit is scaring the crap out of me! I am so tired. I needed comfort food so I just made a plate of tater tots for my caloric intake for the day. I had three cookies.

Well that is all for now. I am feeling nauseous and must lay down and hope my foot doesn’t get worse. Until domani (tomorrow).

Once again having to figure things out on my own

Once again having to figure things out on my own

Last night I wrote a blog about my frustrations in therapy. I basically have until Sunday around noon time to either cancel my appointment with my therapist or not. It still is in the air. I know that I should talk to him but I feel like I have been down this road so many times that it just doesn’t go anywhere. Yea, I could be wrong. He could be kind and open about what I am saying and see where it goes from there but past experience tells me that will be for that session and the next session will be as if we didn’t talk at all about how I feel. I am tired of always going into that situation. So today, even though I didn’t want to, I made a few calls to some therapists asking them if they were taking new clients. So far, I haven’t had a callback.

I went to PT and she didn’t like the pocket of swelling that was around my foot. I need to be putting ice on it and doing the stretches/exercises she has given me. I also sort of need to pump my ankle before standing up or stretch it but that is going to be kind of difficult with getting off my bed because it is so high. I will figure it out. We didn’t work on my left thigh. She had given me some exercises for that but my damn CRPS ankle/foot has been so bad because of the damn weather changes, it has been hard to do. It was easier with my right because I didn’t have the pain. I did one exercise last night and felt better but I think the other ones need to be done. I am going to try doing them tomorrow before I get out of bed as you need to be kind of laying down anyway for it. My pain is not bad (usually) in the morning. I need to get my thigh pain sorted because next week I need to potentially give my T shot in it. If it is not up to par I will use my right again but I want to try my left and see how it goes.

Pain has been okay, so far, except for my right foot but hopefully that will get better as time goes on, if I do what I am supposed to do. But I just feel like everything is a hassle lately. I haven to figure out which thigh would be suitable because there isn’t a nurse I can go to that can inject it for me. I have to somehow keep myself from a downward spiral because baseball season is ending. I always get into a deep depression this time a year and it takes months to recover from it. And finding a new therapist that isn’t going to be an asshole when I bring up suicidal stuff is going to be tough. My PT said she was going to get in touch with her therapist for recommendations. I have no idea if they will pan out. It is like I have to do the work, again, for my care after just working out the pain meds. Makes me want to give up and just say fuck it but I don’t want to spend five years with this guy if he isn’t going to help me. Tomorrow I see my PCP so that is going to be fun. Another early morning appointment so I will be lucky if I have enough brain cells to talk to him. If I have to give yet another damn urine for a tox screen there is going to be a problem because I’ve given three of them this year when I thought it was supposed to be a yearly thing. And if that has changed, um, why didn’t they let me know?? Not saying I take other shit that I am not supposed to but come on. I just feel like they are a waste of my insurance’s money, especially when those with substance abuse disorders don’t get tested at ALL! But that is another write up for another day.

World Mental Health Day

This is going to be negative but I don’t care as it is my lived experience: I’ve been in therapy since I was 15 because I self-harmed. Seen a wide range of therapists from social workers to psychologists to psychiatrists. Most have ended treatment with me for various reasons. I am now on therapist number 14. First 6 months I didn’t think I was going to stay with him. He is a psychologist with supposed experience with trauma and suicidal ideation. He took me on knowing this. Now since the MeToo, I’ve been having intrusive memories. I tell him about it and he shrugs. Seriously? Why am I seeing you if you don’t know how to deal with trauma when you said you had training? I feel like the system has let me down, yet again.

Before I even saw him, I must have talked to at least 5 different therapists. None would take me on because of my suicidal history. I thought I could shove it aside and just have this guy because he returned my call and wanted to work with me. Now it is a year later and I am finding it so difficult to deal with him. I am once again looking for therapists and I am wondering why. I live in a large city. There shouldn’t be just 1 therapist in my 5 mile radius that deals with suicidal histories. Suicide is its own can of worms. I understand from a suicidologist standpoint. Not everyone is cut out to deal, it isn’t taught in school yada yada. I get it. But where is the compassion in therapy? Are too many good therapists burned out? Am I ever going to find someone to help me through suicidal crisis and chronic pain and all the other shit I deal with? Or is that too much because I don’t follow god or help myself?