Category: mood disorders

Saturday Blog 87

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday blog 87

I haven’t done anything today. I woke up early in pain and it took a while to get back to sleep. I only woke up because my mother fricken called me. I didn’t answer the phone because I had to use the bathroom. She, of course, got mad that I didn’t answer the phone. Then she called me a liar because I told her I didn’t have a tank top. I just bought one and it’s the only one that I have. Whatever. This is what I deal with on a daily basis.

I made coffee and had some bacon that my mother made. There was a tuna salad in the fridge and I had that for my lunch. I am going to order pizza and fries for supper. It’s too hot to cook. My new method came today. I haven’t opened the box but I think I am going to keep it. I had told my psych that I was going to return it but I don’t want to.

I got a letter from the US Dept of Education regarding my student loans. They are monitoring me and sent me a letter that I need to send back saying that I haven’t received any earned income. They will be sending me these letters for the next two years. I have been declared permanently disabled so I am not worried about being forced to find work. I am on social security and collect benefits from my workplace which provides me with the additional insurance I need after medicare. It’s a lot of money between the two insurances but it’s worth it.

I’m still feeling kind of low and out. Pain is minimal right now but that can change with anything. I was talking with an old friend last night until midnight. Time always seems to stand still when we talk and the next thing we know, three hours have passed. I stayed up for a few more hours as I had coffee late and it kept me up. I just stayed up until the baseball game was over. We won and I posted about it. Then I went to bed. Game isn’t on until 2100 tonight because they are on the west coast. I hate west coast games.

Supper was good. I had some watermelon after I ate. I love watermelon. I can’t eat too much because it can cause the runs with me. My mother and I were chit chatting. She was upset that I had posted on Facebook that I was in the hospital. I guess word got to my aunt and she didn’t want her to know. Oh well. I am not going to not post on my social media so the Boston Globe of my town doesn’t know things. Just kind of pisses me off that she wants to continue to hide my mental illness.

I have been listening to Sam Hunt and Eric Church the past few hours. I am trying to drown out the Linkin Park songs that are running through my head. I kind of want to listen to their music at the same time I don’t because it just makes me sad. Today has been difficult as I am missing my ex-therapist. I miss having someone care for me as much as she did. My new therapist just isn’t working out for me. I am overwhelmed with having to yet again find someone. Monday I plan on calling the place where I submitted an online request. It’s been a week and I haven’t heard back. They have different kinds of therapies at this place so I can pick and choose which kind of therapist I want, least I hope to. I just don’t want a CBT therapist as I don’t think that will be beneficial to me. I never liked the paperwork that is involved with this therapy.

I have been keeping a spreadsheet on my phone to help me keep track of my pain meds, how many I take and the time I take it. I find that it’s helping me feel more in control rather than just take pills and then forget the time I last took them. I just formatted a cell for text for the time as I couldn’t do it on my phone. I put in military time so that I don’t have to use AM or PM for the time. It’s just easier for me. Right now I am hurting really bad. Ankle and foot are acting up. I just want to scream. I last took my pain meds two hours ago so the only med I can take is my strong pain pill. As bad as I hurt, it’s not that severe. It’s more annoying as it is just throbbing and I know that I can’t do anything but let it throb. I hate this condition so bad. October can’t come soon enough. I am seeing my regular neurologist next month so I will ask her what she thinks on my condition and if she agrees that I do have CRPS. I’d like to know what her thoughts are in the matter.

Psych appt and other things on a muggy Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Psych appt and other things on a muggy Friday

When I left the house this morning, outside was cooler than the house. It was kind of refreshing. But that quickly changed when I got out of my psych appt. The appt went well. I talked about the week in the hospital and how they really didn’t know how to help me. They pretty much just prevented me from acting on my suicidal urges due to pain flare up that I had all week. I also told her how I felt about Chester Bennington’s death (lead singer for Linkin Park). It just sort of knocked me out of my suicidal depression because of how real it is. She told me she contacted the coordinator for the pain group and that she should be calling me as she gave her my contact information. I haven’t heard from her or the therapy place yet. I needed a refill so she sent it. Walgreens hasn’t filled it yet so either they’re busy or they haven’t gotten to it yet. Sometimes the electronic orders take a while to be processed. If I don’t see it tonight or tomorrow, I will get back to my psych as she probably sent it to cyberland. I am to report back to her about therapy and the pain group, or anything else she can demand from me, LOL. I told her I was planning on legally changing my name in the upcoming weeks as I will be getting paid next week. I will pay all my bills and whatever is left over I will save or have enough for it. I am not sure. I don’t know how I ended up with three credit cards so those are bills that I need to pay before I can get my name changed. It’s cash, I think or check. I don’t remember what the courthouse takes. I need to look it up.

When I got to the Square, I went to Chipotle for dinner as my mother said she was going to my aunt’s house and wouldn’t be home later. Fine with me. I waited for the bus and was sweating on the walk home. The house was really bad. I ate and then took a shower. Then my ankle crapped out on me. I took my pain meds as I was due and have been chatting with some friends on Twitter and text. I also texted my sister that we are three weekends away from a booze cruise I bought tickets for. I am so excited. It will be a cruise around Boston Harbor at night. I love being on a boat. I don’t really drink but I do plan on having one or two drinks at least. I definitely want a mojito and it’s for autism so it’s for a good cause. One drink will give me a buzz. I don’t drink beer. I already had my one beer a year a few weeks ago. I usually have a Sam Adams summer ale. It’s the only one that I like.

Other than resting this weekend, I don’t have any other plans. I really want to watch a movie so maybe I will to pass time. I bought a bunch from Amazon that I still have seen. On Facebook, I saw someone post that there will be new Harry Potter books in Oct. I don’t know if it’s true or not so I tweeted JK Rowling and the Harry Potter World UK. They would know if it is. It will be so cool. I love Harry Potter. Today marks the anniversary of Deathly Hallows being released ten years ago. Hard to believe it’s been that long ago. Makes me want to re-read it again. It’s by far one of my favorite books in the series. I had bought the set of paperbacks two years ago. It was fun reading them again. It never gets old. I don’t like the movies very much because they deleted scenes from the books and Peeves is not seen in any of the movies. He is a troublemaker ghost in the books.

I had my espresso but now I feel like making an iced coffee. I got an email from Starbucks Store and found that the Hawaiian coffee that I love is back. I ordered it even though it was really expensive for 8.8 ounces. I like it iced so now that I know how to make it, I am going to run out of it very quickly. I might get it tomorrow if I feel like going out as I saw they had it in the store. I am glad I can get coffee in addition to espresso. One of my cousins posted today that she is giving up coffee and I am floored. I didn’t see why she is doing it but I don’t think I can do that, ever. I love it too much. I had my chocolate fix today as when I got to my psych’s office, I went to the gift shop. To my surprise, they had Godiva dark chocolate bar. I haven’t seen it in a long time so I bought it. It was good. I miss having a Godiva store at the mall. They have Lindt Chocolate store, which is good and as expensive. Beats Hershey’s that’s for sure!

home, Finally

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Home, Finally

It has been a rough day. I woke up around 0430 in pain. Luckily, I was able to go back to sleep after taking my pain meds. Despite feeling suicidal and having a crappy day yesterday, I was able to get discharged from the treatment team. To my surprise, they didn’t even ask if I was ready to go, they basically said I was going. I wanted to go home too.

I texted my cousin and she picked me up after lunch. It was really muggy out. We had to walk to the security building so I could get my wallet as I had it locked up when I got admitted. I didn’t want to risk someone stealing my money or credit cards. The floor gave me the wrong copy to retrieve it so they had to send someone with the right copy. We didn’t hit any traffic until we got to my main street. There was construction so there was backup. Taking the bus tomorrow is going to be fun.

I brought my mail and stuff up to my room and put the AC on soon as I settled down. It was quite hot in my room. I didn’t check the temp because I knew it was going to be high. I fiddled with Twitter and then I got some really sad news. The lead singer in my favorite band, Linkin Park, died by suicide. I was crushed. He was my age. The band just came out with a new album a few months ago and was set to start off a tour. It’s awful, so awful. I started tweeting out the suicide hotline and crisis text support number. One of my friends who I talked to this morning, messaged me to see if I heard. I told him I did and he came out with a meme. I asked him how he was doing as he liked the band as well. We were exchanging lyrics with the new album when it came out. I feel so devastated that there is not going to be anymore new music. Now I know how Nirvana fans felt when Kurt Cobain died.

I had a lot to eat today and my stomach is paying the price for it. I think the combination of the new med and Neurontin is sending my appetite into overdrive. All I want to do is eat. I hope now that I am home, I won’t be so hungry all the time as I will be back to my own routine, though having to make myself food every day is going to suck. But I rather make my own than be in the hospital.

I am so tired. Think I am going to go to bed early. Ankle is already starting to act up on me. Hope this isn’t going to be a long night. I see my psych tomorrow. I didn’t cancel the appt though I did want to. It’s going to be as hot tomorrow as it is today. Yuck.

Nothing like your ankle crapping out on you

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

Today is officially the worst day ever. I’ve been in pain since 5 am. I woke up with cramps in my foot. On and off, the pain has been fluctuating bad to worse and worse to really worse. Around 2000, I could take my night meds. It was too early for my pain meds, but least I could give them a chance to work while waiting. I was walking to the nurses station with my flavored water when my ankle said, fuck you. I was stuck. I needed one of the nurses to help me. The pain was intense. I couldn’t bear weight on it anymore. 

I asked the nurse to get my AFO for me to walk to get my meds. I really became suicidal. I just didn’t want to exist anymore. I was so tired of being in pain all day. I met with my contact person and told him I was planning. It’s the only thing that helps me get through these bouts. It’s my coping mechanism. Might not be the best but oh,well. I really wish the nurses could take your meds to your room like a medical floor. I’m always at the end of the hall. Fucking sucks.

I’m sending jokes to another patient via text. Just something to do until meds kick in. I have a movie I kind of want to watch. Will Farrell and Mark Wahlberg star in it. I’m not a fan of Farrell. He annoys me. So I’m hesitant to watch it.

I hope to be discharged tomorrow. I want my meds at my bedside where I don’t have to walk or use a bloody computer system to give me my meds. I have been keeping a spreadsheet of what time I take my meds and how many pills I take. Just to keep track. Usually I use an app but the app doesn’t list the doses taken in a day. I find it’s helping me be more conscious of the number of pills I take in a day. The app doesn’t tell me that information.

One of my friends pissed me off today. She tends to act like a mother hen and today was not the day. I told her I was possibly getting discharged tomorrow and she asked me the same questions everyone has today, Are you ready and are you safe. I blew up and told her she wasn’t my therapist and I wasn’t going to answer. She then says I’m bitchy. Whatever I replied. Then she said I hurt her. She does this every time I stick up for myself. Screw her.I’m tired of her shit.

Ankle and foot is acting up. I hope I get some sleep tonight. Or it’s going to suck tomorrow.