Category: mood disorders

Possibly last day in hospital 

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

I met with my treatment team this morning. They wanted to know how I was doing. I was not in the mood to placate them so told them I had been suicidal and stuff. They kind of wanted a guarantee I was going to be safe but I couldn’t tell them that definitively. So the plan is to be discharged tomorrow. 

That was all well and good until around 1330.  My ankle exploded and I purchased my method. Fuck living the rest of my life with this condition. I cancelled therapy with my therapist on Monday. I’m still debating to do the same with my psych on Friday. I just don’t want to live anymore.

I have been staying in my room most of the day. I’m in too much pain to socialize. I have decided not to go to any groups today. I just can’t sit that long. I also can’t stand that the group leader is late. It’s just one of my pet peeves.

After making my purchase, I told staff I wanted to die. Nothing got done about it. I hate this place. I’m just being babysat at this point. I really don’t see how staying here can help me. I really want to be in my own bed with freezing cold AC. I still haven’t figured out how I’m getting home, if they discharge me. I don’t ever think I have been this suicidal over a pain flare before.

I have been trying to nap for most of the day without success. Too much noise is going on the unit and checks keep knocking on my door. So annoying.

I have been snacking the past hour or so. One of the patient’s mother brought in fruit so I’ve been having that. I also had some graham crackers.

I’ve been open with staff about my suicidality. But like always, they don’t take chronicity seriously. Oh well. If I see my psych on Friday, i will let her know. I really don’t want to exist anymore. Being in chronic pain just sucks the life out of you. It is so draining. I really thought I wouldn’t have a flare while I was in the hospital. Man was I wrong. I just want to be home so I can take my neurontin as I please and use the lidocaine cream, which they don’t have here. I really could have used it last night. I honestly have no idea how I slept till 0500 as the pain was horrible. But cramps woke me up. That is so fun.

I want to shower but I can’t because I hurt so bad. Maybe tomorrow morning. 

Another day, another night of pain, another…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mood disorders, suicidality

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I got hit with pain and it kept me up. I fell asleep some time before 0200. I was listening to Taylor Swift on my headphones to help distract. I some how fell asleep and woke up in the sitting position. I took the headphones off and laid down. The pain was better by then. Though it came back a few hours later and I needed more meds around 0530. 

I didn’t want to get up this morning. I had some breakfast and got my meds and stupid vitals. One of the mental health counselors yelled at me for not getting my vitals before my meds. Tough shit. 

I was kind of in a haze for most of the day. I went to group therapy. I tried to pick other patients brains on coping stuff but they all told me things I already tried. It was worth a shot. Then my team called me from group so we met. The social worker wanted to know more about my suicidal urges and I told her pain exacerbates it. The doc didn’t say too much. Just went over the med changes the covering doc did yesterday. He wanted a tentative discharge date so we are shooting for Thursday. I’m kind of mixed on it because I fear I will be more apt to buy my new method while in a flare than not. Doesn’t mean I’ll act on it but I could. I keep fantasizing my death, though. Been doing it for months so I don’t think more time in the hospital will change that.

I put in a request for an appt at another therapy center. I’m waiting to hear back from them. I’d like to see if I can find another therapist. I really don’t think it is going to work out with the guy I am seeing now. He is just annoying me more than helping me.

I am feeling kind of dizzy after I had my dinner. The contact person thinks it’s because I didn’t drink enough today. I hope it’s not a withdrawal from my other antipsychotic. That would suck. They stopped it as of last night. Other than that, i have no idea why I could be dizzy.

I talked to my mom tonight. We talked in general terms like we always do. She wanted to know if the docs here are helping with my pain. I told her no one knows my condition as I’ve had to explain it to practically everyone. No one gets CRPS. She asked why and I told her it was a psych unit not a medical one. She doesn’t understand the difference. 

I’m hoping the storms don’t kill me tonight. My pain has been up and down all day. It’s really muggy outside and it is stuffy on the unit. It just started raining now. Hope it cools off some.

Out of memory

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicidality, transgender

I had 21 updates to my apps on my phone and nearly half of them didn’t go through because I don’t have enough internal memory on my phone. I just spent the last half hour trying to make space and didn’t get anywhere. Will have to go through my apps and see what can be transferred to my external memory card.

I had such a hard time last night that I barely remember freaking out. I didn’t get discharged today as it was too soon, I’m suicidal, and they want to see if the new med works. I wish the doc I had today was the regular doc. He is so easy to work with. He changed the med order so I can have one of my pain meds every 6 hrs up to 4 times a day. I’m glad or I would have insisted on being discharged. 

I so wish I brought some shorts rather than long pants. It’s hot on the unit as the AC isn’t working well. I hate being hot. The only pair of shorts I have are my Jean shorts which is not very comfy after a while. 

I’m still in a lot of pain. My ankle crapped out on me in the morning so had to wear the AFO the rest of the day. Even then, it didn’t stop my ankle from hurting but did prevent me from having to limp. I’m really fluctuating between feeling ok and intensely suicidal. I still want to purchase my lethal method Amazon. I think I told the doc what I planned on doing. Tomorrow I will have the regular doc that can be temperamental with me. So far, no one has shown me any coping skills to help me deal with the pain and suicidal urges. I think the social worker is useless. I so wish I had the team I had my last admission. They were great and actually wanted to help me.

I’m kind of feeling dissociative tonight. I just feel so spacey and like things are out of reach. I also feel really hopeless. I was talking to a gay woman who is married to a transman. We exchanged contact info tonight. It was good talking to her tonight as she gets it. I told her I planned on changing my name soon. It was a hassle for her husband but glad it was done. I just hope I can have the guts to do it. It will be a big step for me.

I am so not used to writing my blog from my phone or my Kindle. I mostly use the WordPress app to check my stats. Not write blogs. Stupid phone likes to change words on me so I have to really pay attention while writing. Today I have zero tolerance for errors so I am getting frustrated. 

Don’t know what leg to limp on

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, mood disorders, physical pain

So I’m inpatient. The nurse’s station is down the hall. My fucking foot has exploded (one with CRPS) and my good foot has an Achilles problem and hurts. I don’t know what leg to limp on. I can’t take pain meds for another hour because that is when the shift changes and the fucking computer system will allow me my meds. I just want to die right now. The pain is so bad. I know I sat down too much today. Having my leg down just causes me more pain.

I had a bad check in with my contact person. He got smug when I said I was going to go off on staff if they woke me up early. The new med is kicking my ass so I feel hungover when I wake up. I just want to sleep in. It will be Sunday for crying out loud. But he said I need to be up at fucking 800 for meds and vitals, which is bullshit because I can refuse both. Asshole wants to play games, I’ll play games back. I know my rights.

I am tired but I can’t sleep because I’m in a lot of pain. Another 30 mins more till I can hobble to the nurse’s station. This is why I have my pain meds by my bedside at home, so I have easy access during a flare. I might take some more ativan to help me sleep. I’m kind of upset that the flares have continued while in the hospital. The last time I was in, I wasn’t in so much pain. I was still on my meds but for some reason, the flares have gotten worse.I don’t have an explanation for this that I can say this or that caused the flare. I just know that I hurt.

I definitely need new sneakers. I think that will help the Achilles problem. I still need to see the specialist for it. But the office is outside of Boston and you need a car. I’ll have to use the zipcar to get there. When I can think clearly, I’ll make the appt.

Now my ankle has joined in the fun. Fuck. Why can’t I die???