Category: mood disorders

Saturday blog 86

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, CRPS, mental illness, mood disorders, Paranoia, psychosis

Very dull day on the unit. The new med made me so hungover that I slept through the only group today. I think I have a uti so I saw medical. They are not doing a culture which I think is dumb. They are putting me on some med that will make it hurt less to pee. I also asked for some miralax as I haven’t moved my bowels the last few days. Taking the strong pain med has really shut things down.

I’m hoping a friend visits today but I haven’t heard from her so it may not happen. I think today is my aunt’s party so I don’t think I’ll be hearing from my family today until tonight.

I’ve been writing in my journal as nothing else has come up. I’ve sort of had a writing itch but things have been cloudy with the meds. Today has been really tough getting going. I hope the hangover feeling goes away.

One of my favorite staff members is on tonight. I had tried to send her a copy of my book but there was new policies in place so staff can’t get mail from pts anymore. Told her she would have to buy my book now. Haha.

I’m trying hard to stay awake but it’s hard. I want to nap so bad. I had sent an email to my therapist telling him I wasn’t happy with what he told the social worker yesterday. I think I need to find a new therapist. I tried to find the email my psych had sent me but my phone is unable to retrieve it. I put it in one folder and nothing is coming up when I access it.

I’m pretty bored. I might start a book on my kindle or read some Dostoevsky. But I’m going to watch the Sox. That will keep me occupied for a while. Unfortunately it is too loud where the tv is. I can’t hear the game. Annoying. But I can’t tell the other pts to be quiet. I’ll just follow it on twitter. Besides, the announcers are annoying me.
I’m starting to finally wake up and my brain is on fire. Fuck. Was hoping it would stay quiet.

Pain has been up and down today. I had a brief surge of pain while in my room but it quieted down. I hope that is the only flare I have today. I really don’t want to take the strong pain pill.

Sleepy and painful day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, mental disorders, mood disorders, psychosis, transgender

I woke up in the middle of the night because of pain. I had a flare up before I went to sleep which caused another psychotic episode. I was scared as the voices were so loud.

The staff woke me up around 815. I didn’t like that at all. Then my bladder said to get up so I did. I kind of missed breakfast so I had a bowl of cereal. Then I met with my social worker. She played voicemail tag with my therapist. Did I mention he is an idiot? He told her I was having conflicts at home that lead to my hospitalization. What those conflicts are, I have no idea. Guess he was paying more attention to his nails than telling him my pain was driving me nuts. I’m really pissed.

The covering doc saw me next and I told him I wanted a med change but was waiting for my doc to email me back. She was ok with it. I’ll be started on Invega tonight.

I went to group and during the group therapy I came out as trans. It felt good to have everyone’s support. Now hopefully they will use the right pronouns. 

I was really tired after lunch so I took a nap. I slept until some alarm went off. I thought it was the fire alarm so got up. By the time I put my sandals on, the sound stopped. I went back to sleep.

Pain had been up and down. Not too bad but it could get worse tonight. I’m still sleepy. I really don’t want to nap again so I made a cup of tea. I brought some with me as the hospital doesn’t have the kind I like. I kind of made it too sweet but oh well. I’ll know for next time to use two packets of sugar.

Second day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I had a low key day. I went to two groups and it wasn’t good. They were calling me lady and I took offense. Then one of the nurses used my birth name and I got really upset. I scratched it out on my ID band. I don’t fucking care.

I met with the psychiatrist, who I worked with before. Seems everyone wants to know where I stand in my transition. He will be off tomorrow and Monday.  The social worker is being nice, for now. She can be a real bitch though. 

I wasn’t too talkative when I met with my contact person this afternoon. I really had nothing to talk about. My head was pounding, which then turned into a migraine so that was fun. Then I had a physical by a nurse practitioner. She wanted to know more about my pain. I told her how it was and what I experienced. Her only advice was to keep a good bowel regimen. Thanks, tell me something I don’t know. Idiot.

I took a nap for a couple of hours. It helped my migraine but my foot pain woke me up. It was med time any way. They finally have the right dose of my pain meds so I am happy about it. I have both pain meds. I am glad. 

The doc gave me privileges. I can use my cords and stuff. They now have a charging station so I don’t need it. I might need one for my Bluetooth headset as they don’t have a mini USB. I’ll worry about it when it needs to be charged.

My room is still not as cold as I would like and is still musty despite keeping the door open. The rug is damp which is gross. Nothing I can do about it though. I don’t think the AC is on even though the air is blowing.

I called my mother. She wants me home. She didn’t like me telling her I would be out next week, possibly. Oh well

Out of spoons by the time I had the pan on the stove

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Out of spoons by the time I had the pan on the stove

My rough day continues. I made my coffee and then started preparing for the sauce/dirty gravy. I went to Walgreens for my scripts, leaving my coffee behind. It was still hot by the time I came back. I prepared the garlic, put oil in the pot, and then added the garlic. While that was going on, I tried opening the cans of tomatoes. I forgot the can opener was broken. I had to go back to Walgreens to buy a new one. By this time, the mugginess had gotten worse after the rain. I was a hot mess by the time I came back to the kitchen. I was out of spoons and I didn’t even start what I set out to do.

I sat down and rested for a few minutes, trying to drink my coffee. I had shut off the gas to the pan so I didn’t have to worry about burning the garlic. I still had my sneakers on as I didn’t want to go up to my room to take them off. After a while, my little toe on my good foot started hurting. Fucking A. I took them off, but left them by the stairs.

I opened the cans of tomatoes after the garlic browned a bit. Then I put them in the pan. Then I added a can and half of water. I also started putting in my spices and pepper. I added a half teaspoon of sugar and then stirred. I let it come to a boil. Next was to cook the beef. I didn’t want to wait an hour for the sauce to cook first. It would still taste the same. I cooked the beef, breaking it into little pieces as it cooked. Then the tomatoes came to a boil and I let it boil for about five minutes. In between, I was sitting down, resting my ankle. I had my music playing.

The beef was cooked and then I simmered the sauce on low heat. It was already starting to smell so good. I love the smell of gravy. Hint to anyone that makes candles, the scent would be awesome as a candle!! It just means home to me. I was letting the sauce cook as the beef was cooling. After about an hour, I put the beef into the sauce. I waited another 45 minutes or so and then it was done. Time to cook the pasta!

I made penne pasta and had two bowls. It was so good! Then I went up to my room to freeze my ass off. I was dead tired. A friend of mine started texting me so I talked with her for a bit. Then I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore and took a nap. Now I am feeling MORE tired and weak. I absolutely have no energy left to put the gravy away in containers or clean up. My mother made a salad for suppah. Guess she didn’t want to cook. It’s so hot in the kitchen. Least with me going in the hosp, I will be surrounded by AC. I will bring my long sleeve shirt with me just in case I get cold but I love the cold anyway.

For some reason, my good foot is hurting me. It’s throbbing really bad. I thought sleeping would make it better but it didn’t. I took some Advil hoping that will calm whatever it is down. I might have slightly twisted it while walking in the rain this morning. I need to get new sneakers that are more supportive and comfortable. I just hope it’s gone by tomorrow. I am sure cooking for a few hours didn’t help it.