Category: mood disorders

this is the pain that never ends…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

This is the pain that never ends…

I have been in pain all damn day. My tolerance for it is slowly diminishing. I haven’t been too active today but it doesn’t care. I did manage to take a shower, which my back didn’t like. It kept on cramping on me. I am ready to call UNCLE and take my strong pain pill. I take my meds in about 45 mins so I will decide then whether or not to take it. I just came up the stairs so my foot/ankle are angry with me.

I got the tail end of BPD chat on twitter. I met another transgender person so I followed him and he followed me back. He is also a writer, which is cool. I hope we can become friends. It would be nice to have another TG person to talk to about the issues we face.

I read a little more than a chapter in the Robert Lowell book. He has an interesting history dating back to the Mayflower. I love reading about people that have such detailed ancestors dating way back. I don’t know much about my lineage. And unfortunately, with my father gone, there is no way of knowing. I know I can go to like Ancestry.com but it’s not the same when it’s handed down from generation to generation. There are a lot of cousins in Italy and France that I know of but they don’t know me and I don’t know them. It’s kind of sad. I don’t speak either language so that makes it harder to keep the lines of communication open.

I have been tired for most of the day. I have so far avoided taking a nap. It will be bed time soon so I can go to sleep then. I hope I can sleep. Pain is usually the number one reason to keep me up more than my thoughts. And the way my ankle and toes are feeling right now, I doubt I will be able to sleep. It’s a gnawing type of pain that goes right into my bones. And I just realized I haven’t done my med box for the week. SHIT! I totally forgot. I guess I will take them on the fly tonight and then fill it tomorrow. I can’t stand too long to fill the box. My ankle will kill me the way it’s hurting right now.

Other than calling three therapists tomorrow, I have no other plans. It’s supposed to be warmer so I might go to Starbucks to write. I have to get a frappucino to complete my stars reward. Tomorrow is the last day as I forgot to get one on Friday. I like the rewards because you get to get free stuff faster. I also need to get some coffee for the house. I got half a bag or less of Pike so need to get it before I run out. I love Pike coffee. I used to get their breakfast blend coffee but I think I am just going to stick with Pike as I am so used to it. When I don’t have it, I can tell right away that it’s different. I hope the spring brings in new flavors of their Reserve coffees. I haven’t seen one that I like yet. I got an email from Starbucks the other day that had notes of apricot. No thanks! I like apricot as a fruit, not in my coffee.

Sunday Musings

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Musings

I surprisingly got more than six hours of sleep last night. I don’t remember what time I went to sleep but I know it was before midnight and I woke up around 9. I would have slept more but my bladder said no. I made coffee and breakfast and when I got back to my room, my foot was hurting. I didn’t take anything because it was just a mild annoyance. I drank my coffee, which isn’t the kind I like. I wanted to use up the bag because I don’t like it as much as I like Pike and my Casi Ceilo. I will toss the bag when I go down for lunch as I don’t think there is enough for another cup of coffee.

After I finished my coffee, I couldn’t decide to read or not. I was having a conversation with my voices. Then I just started to stare off into space. This is the second day of me doing this. It has me kind of worried because I did it a lot last year before and after my father’s death. I don’t know if it is just a preoccupation glance or what. But it’s troubling me. I might send an email to my psychiatrist asking if this is “normal”. I thought about paging her but it’s not an urgent thing.

Last night, I decided to look for therapists in my area. I found three, two social workers and a psychologist. I will call them tomorrow. If I have to lie about my suicidality, I will. I just don’t want to be denied, again, because of my suicidal tendencies. All of these therapists are in Harvard Square, which makes it convenient for me to get to them. My psychiatrist is also looking for a therapist for me but I have a feeling she is going to find someone that is not convenient for me to go to. If I had a car, it would be a different story. Even though I have access to a Zipcar, I don’t want to be dishing out money every week just for therapy, in addition to my copay. I hope one of the three therapists pans out.

In a few days, my anniversary of my journey into the mental health field is coming up. Last year I had a horrible time with flashbacks of the events that lead me to seeing a therapist. I hope that doesn’t happen this year, especially as I am not seeing anyone but my psych. I love my psych but she doesn’t really do therapy with me and I will just get frustrated with talking about flashbacks and not having any ways to cope with them. It’s really difficult dealing with PTSD because you can get flashbacks with the slightest mention of things that happened. Anniversary dates are really hard to deal with.

I don’t really have plans for the day. I wanted to go to Walgreens but I forgot what I wanted to buy so I won’t be going. It’s freezing and windy out anyways so I really don’t want to go out if I don’t have to. I do plan on reading my book. I never opened it last night to finish the chapter I was on. I am going to read after I have lunch, which will be the leftover Chinese food. I ordered from a new place and it was really good, though I didn’t get as much General Gao chicken as I get from other places. It was spicy too, which was nice. The other places were mild. I am definitely going to order from them again.

Saturday Blog 76

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 76

I’ve been having a rough day. It’s very cold out and my ankle is going berserk. I was fine when I got up but a few up and downs the stairs made my ankle hurt and I haven’t been able to get the pain under control. The pain is not too severe, but it is annoying.

I made breakfast this morning and coffee. Then I decided to read. I don’t know what happened but after I finished my coffee, I fell asleep while reading. It was odd because I have never had that happen to me before. Usually I will feel sleepy and then stop reading, put the book away, shut the light and go lie down. Not this time. I was asleep sitting up when I came to. Funny but kind of scary. Guess all the meds I took last night to quite my pain weren’t all out of my system. I am still tired but haven’t been able to nap.

I ordered Chinese food for supper. When I went to pick it up downstairs, I noticed the mail came and my new glasses were delivered. I am trying to get used to them. The prescription has changed so I need to get used to them. I will wear them for a few hours and then stop wearing them for a little while. Maybe I will nap.

I haven’t gone back to my reading. I am in the middle of a chapter so I need to finish. I am so tired though. I took my meds early last night and I still didn’t fall asleep till after midnight. Damn pain kept me up. I hope to do some reading before bed to finish that chapter. I am reading Kay Redfield Jamison’s new book about Robert Lowell. It’s pretty interesting so far. It’s a thick book so it’s going to take me some time to get through it.

I just got what I thought would be the last statement from my therapist. I opened it to see how much I owe so I can pay it off. I was fucking shocked to find that it’s over $15,000!! I looked over the statement and it doesn’t look like they have been charging my insurance AT ALL! So I have been billed her regular charge of $125 per session. I am pissed and won’t send her another dime until it gets straightened out. I sent her a text so hopefully she calls her billing and fixes this error.

Our heating system is messed up. One of the radiators isn’t working so my brother in law turn the heat all the way up to see if he could get it on. My room is a sauna right now. I have the fan turned on high to cool off. They have lowered the heat but it’s still hot in my room. Going to take a while for it to cool down. It’s wicked cold out and I wish I could open my window to let some of the cold air in. I hate being hot!

A not so perfect ending to a bad week

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A not so perfect ending to a bad week

I went to my workshop today. I got there okay and I forgot there was a Barnes and Noble on the street, which was tempting to spend my last few dollars after the workshop but I resisted and didn’t step foot in the door. That took great will power because I love bookstores. I got there an hour early so I had time to have my espresso and write in my journal without being rushed.

The class was pretty boring. It wasn’t engaging to keep my head in the game, so to speak and they emphasized using Twitter more, which I already use. They wanted just 5-10 tweets per day. I know I post most than that, including retweets. But they are not just book related. I can’t remember the last time I posted a link to my book. They also wanted to utilize Facebook groups to get the word out there. That I can see myself doing though it will take some doing. I did get some pointers as to getting on mental illness sites and organizations to help promote my book. That is probably the only thing I got out of the workshop. I brought up my blog and they encouraged making a page so I will work on that sometime this weekend. WordPress doesn’t “publish” so I might make it a blog and then post it as a page. BE ON THE LOOK OUT! I just don’t know what to say on the page yet. I wish I remembered what I write but I don’t. I also wish there was some traffic on my blogs that there are chapters in my book. That would be easier to put the link to my book and maybe get some sales.

They did say that the market is always changing and book selling is hard, especially for self-publishers like myself. I already knew that from my first book as it was hard just trying to get reviewers for my book. I think I gave away more books and got zero reviews. I don’t think I am going to take another course at this place. I just don’t feel it is helpful and this is my third time going to the place.

After the course, it took me a while to get to a train station that I could easily go home from. I walked really far from the place and my ankle was not appreciative of the journey. I got my exercise for the day, that is for sure. I did pass a McDonalds on my way to the T and was tempted to get a big Mac but I really didn’t want to stop as I knew it would be hard to get moving again. I got on the train and there was a person with schizophrenia on the train as he kept on saying the evil spirits took his money and his socks. He was really loud and scary. No one was paying attention to him, though I think a lady did engage him to try and calm him down, but it didn’t work. That just agitated him more. I felt really bad for him.

I had a message when I checked my phone after the course from the lady I met the other day about the chronic pain group. I returned the call when I got home and she told me I would be accepted in the group on the condition I have a therapist for at least three months. I got annoyed. It might take me three months just to find a fucking therapist. I didn’t say anything and just blew her off, thinking it was a lost cause. I then called my psychiatrist because she wanted me to touch base with her. We talked and she is looking for a therapist for me. She also wanted to know more about my pain so we talked about that. She also said that my PCP is a nice guy but doesn’t know me so is not sure how to take my pain needs. She tried conveying how I was as she has known me for so long. She said he might see me more but I haven’t heard from the office and I don’t see him for three months. So we’ll see if the guy will change his mind about being on a longer acting pain med. The rate I am going with my strong pain pill is not getting better. I am using it more because the regular pain meds are not as effective anymore. I have to pick and choose what I think will work best now.

It was good talking to my psych. I honestly think I would be up the creek without a paddle if I didn’t have her. We didn’t talk about my suicidality and I didn’t bring up my plan and how it’s ready to go during my next flare up. I took a strong pain med when I came home because I knew that is what I needed. I am feeling the effects of it and am wicked tired from all the walking I did. I am feeling discouraged about the chronic pain group. I think that would have been a helpful thing for me to be a part of and also give me the support I need about my pain. I know I post to social media about my pain but when it’s late at night, I don’t usually get a response. I know that is because most people are sleeping, like “normal” people will be doing.

It was really cold today. I don’t think it got above 30 degrees as the wind was horrible. My feet are cold now despite being under the blankets. Going to have to put on thermal socks on soon. I am so glad I bought them. Best purchase I ever made. They work better than regular socks and are so warm.