Category: mood disorders

day 1 of dieting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Day 1 of dieting

The day is going fairly well. I had my first two shakes for breakfast and lunch. I am keeping track of my calories with my fitness pal app. I did cheat a little by having a few strips of bacon that my mother made this morning. I didn’t want them to go to waste.

I took a shower and immediately felt exhausted. I don’t know why it can either make me tired or woken up. Today it was the latter. I am really trying to stick with the diet today. I have three more shakes to drink. I had to take my pain meds because prior to taking my shower, my foot started hurting like a bitch. I waited for it to work a little before I took my shower.

I’m still without a phone. I should have it turned on tomorrow. If not, I am going to go ballistic. I want my damn phone dammit! I swear I am never doing this again. It’s just torture to have a phone and no one can turn it off but the jerks at the insurance company until they confirm the replacement phone has been received. So ridiculous.

Shake three has been drunk. I think I like the Orgain drinks better than the Pure Protein. I also find them more filling. I have 530 calories left for the day so I am doing good. I had to have something solid so I had a yogurt and some fresh pineapple. I have no idea where the pineapple came from but it was good. I love pineapple but I can’t eat too much because the roof of my mouth will become raw. I found that out the hard way. The nice thing about this diet is that I don’t feel bloated like I thought I would. I am keeping up with hydration with a bottle of water after each shake. My kidneys are going to be in shock because I hardly drink any water except for when I am really thirsty. I mostly drink Powerade. But I am only drinking that when I take my meds. I can’t take my meds and drink water because it’s just gross.

I was talking with a friend of mine last night as I couldn’t sleep because of pain. I was afraid of lying down and having the pain increase. It sometimes happens. I knew it was my PTSD flaring up so I took an Ativan to calm down. As we were talking, I was telling her my plan. She said she did what I wanted to do and obviously survived. That just threw a wrench in my works. Now I got to come up with some other plan. Fuck. I am not happy.

No one has bought my new book yet. I haven’t been promoting like I did my first book. That is the hard part of self-publishing, you have to do the promoting. It’s hard because I am in pain all the time or just depressed. Plus you can only say the same things over and over until you get tired of them. And all you’re really saying is “buy my damn book”. I thought my second book would sell better because it isn’t so dark, but then it hasn’t been out a week yet. I am going to place some tweets out today if I can figure out what to say.

My therapist is back in the office tomorrow. I hope my phone is turned back on so I can text her. I really missed texting her. I know it’s going to be hard when we no longer see one another. I got a Zipcar so I can see her next week for our session. I hope it’s not too emotional because I really don’t want to cry and drive. That would not be good because I have a long way to drive.

The pain demon has struck again. My damn foot exploded a little while ago. All I did today was empty the recycles. I have been in my room the majority of the time, only leaving to get a protein drink or go to the bathroom. Maybe the shower was too much. But that was hours ago. I don’t know what flares up my pain anymore. I have given up trying to figure it out because what causes me pain today won’t tomorrow. I just don’t fucking get it. It is so annoying. Now my pain meds are making me sleepy again. Doesn’t help that I turned off the ceiling fan so my room is a sauna again. My indoor thermometer needs new batteries. I was going to get them but why bother. I am only going to be around for a month or so. I can’t imagine going on longer than that. I can’t stand being in pain anymore. I have had enough. I quit. Strike three has been called and I’m out.

New Year’s Day 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

New Year’s Day 2017

I woke up in pain and it immediately put me in a bad mood. I took some meds and checked my messages on my phone. Mostly they were emails and some FB messages as my phone is still off. It’s so frustrating. I have to wait two more days for my phone to be turned on. After I checked my messages I went back to sleep. It was difficult because my loud mouth sister came up to wish my mother a Happy New Year. Then she kept calling me through the What’s up app, which I couldn’t figure out how to answer the call. It kept giving me some kind of stupid message and I don’t understand it. She’ll have to give me a tutorial before she leaves for her trip.

I went back to sleep and thought it was only a few hours I slept. It was more than that. I woke up around 1400. So much for want to do something today. I reheated some Chinese food as I need to eat as much as I can. Tomorrow I am going on a diet and I can’t eat the stuff. I was hungry so I finished the orange chicken and a bowl of rice. Then an hour later I had some more rice. I am full now.

I found out that my friend’s step dad was taken off life support. I wish him a peaceful passing. He was a great guy. I am going to miss him.

Last night as I was in mad crazy pain and couldn’t sleep, I wrote my psychiatrist an email but I wrote it in word doc first. I didn’t send it because if she tried calling me, she wouldn’t be able to get a hold of me. That wouldn’t be good. I basically was honest with her about how I planned on ending my life some time soon. I don’t know how she is going to take this news but we’ll see. Probably not good. I read the last bit of it as I sent it to a friend to read over and I didn’t like the ending so I need to change it. It’s a work in progress and I have time to change it. I see her this Friday so I can bring the letter with me as there is no guarantee that she will read the email before I see her.

I’m not going to let my therapist know of my plans. We are ending and there is no point. I will see her next week and will hash things out. My feelings on the matter haven’t changed. I am going to miss her. I still can’t believe we are over. She will be my last therapist. I have made the decision not to continue with anyone else. It’s just too painful to be talking with someone and then it not work out. She was a great supporter in the things that I did. I just wish she was more of a therapist than a friend.

New Year’s Eve 2016

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

New Year’s Eve 2016

I have been waiting all day for my phone to turn back on. I was told by the insurance person that it would take 24 hours. Well it’s been more than that and my phone hasn’t been turned on yet. And of course the office is closed because it’s Saturday. But the lady assured me “we work on Saturday”. Yea, my ass. I have just turned my phone off and will wait ten minutes to turn it back on again. If it’s not on, there is going to be holy hell on Tuesday. I hate being without my damn phone.

I woke up in pain around 0530 and am still in pain. I didn’t do anything except order Chinese food. I really wanted pork fried rice. I wasn’t crazy about the orange chicken I got. It was good but it wasn’t as crispy as it should be. I mostly just had the rice, crab rangoons, and chicken fingers. The egg roll was disgusting. Won’t be ordering that again.

I plan on watching Home Alone tonight. I haven’t watched it in a few years. I love that movie. If I am still up and not tired, I might watch It’s a Wonderful Life again. That movie never gets old for me.

OSU is playing tonight. I don’t know if I am going to watch the game. It’s their final game but I am in pain and really don’t want to be downstairs watching in the kitchen. I will just have to keep up on my laptop. I usually watch in my mother’s room but she is sick and I don’t want to catch her cold.

I still have no service on my phone. I am going to flip out on the service agent Tuesday. I bet, though, as I am ranting my service will be on and I won’t know it. Cause you know that is how it works.

I am in such an aggravated mood. It’s really hot in my room which isn’t helping matters. I am in shorts and have the ceiling fan on. I am cool but not that cool to go under the blankets, though my ankle is not liking the cool air. I am so tired of being in pain. I wanted to go to Walgreens today for chocolate. I should have got it last night but I wasn’t thinking. My mother wanted me to get her somethings and that distracted me. I start my diet on Monday. I think I have enough shakes for a while. I know I have enough snacks to last me at least two weeks. I also have yogurt so I can have some thing other than puddings and applesauce. It is going to be a long three weeks. I also bought some protein bars that are pretty good. I need to get some more as I have been having them in the middle of the night when I am hungry or when I wake up early in the morning and don’t feel like making something.

I didn’t make coffee today. I woke up at noon after I fell back to sleep around 6. I just didn’t feel like making it. Other than a glass of Pepsi, I don’t think I have had anything to drink today. I have been trying to drink more water but I leak and I hate it because I never know when I am full until it’s too late. I don’t know how I am going to do on this liquid diet where I drink 5 shakes a day. We’ll see.

I am wishing all of you a very Happy and safe New Year. Hope 2017 is better for you.

Friday Feeling

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Friday Feeling

I woke up in a good mood. I made breakfast and then waited an hour for the next bus to the Square. I wrote in my journal and only had 4 shots of espresso as 5 was giving me anxiety. After I wrote and finished my coffee, I went to my PCP’s office to pick up my prescription and then went to the pharmacy. I wanted a burrito but I was tired and didn’t feel like walking over.

When I came home, I checked to see if fricken UPS delivered the stupid replacement phone so I could turn my phone on. It did and I was thankful. Then I spent an hour trying to get my phone turned on. It took me I don’t know how many tries with my insurance company and Sprint. They were both piggy backing each other. I was getting so annoyed. Then I started getting hungry and I was even more agitated. I didn’t get anywhere. I have to wait 24 hours for my phone to be turned back on. I asked if it would still work because tomorrow is Saturday and I really don’t want to wait till Tuesday. There will be hell to pay if I have to wait till then.

My proof came in and it looks okay. I have one blank page and the title page is not on the side I want it but it’s okay. I am not going to be fussy about it because trying to fix it might screw up the rest of the book. If you would like to purchase it the link is

It’s available as a paperback and Kindle. I am really excited about this. I wish I could let my therapist know about it but my damn phone is off and I can’t text her. I am so annoyed. I hate not having text availability.

Ankle so far hasn’t been too much trouble. I guess yesterday’s hell was because of the weather. It was kind of icy today but the sun melted most of it in places. I was scared of black ice as I was walking home from Walgreens because the lighting is poor on the side street I need to go down. But it wasn’t too bad. I didn’t wear my brace because it was a short walk and I didn’t want to put the contraption on for a block and a half. It was really cold though, with the wind it brought the temps down even colder after the sun went down. I went after the sun went down because my prescription had a long wait and I didn’t want to wait. But I needed my meds so I went later.

I turned the heat on to less than 70 and my room is a sauna. I didn’t bother to put on PJs. I am too hot for them. I got to turn the ceiling fan because I feel like I am going to go into heat exhaustion soon. I had to turn the heat up because my mother is sick and she felt cold. The house was cold as I turned the heat down last night when she went to bed. I bought her some cold medicine. I hope it makes her feel better. She really isn’t feeling well and I just worry. She didn’t eat her supper. I hope she didn’t give herself her insulin because that won’t be good. I really don’t want to call an ambulance because her sugar tanks. I am already on edge because I know a virus can fluctuate sugar levels. And I can’t fucking call her because my phone is useless so I need to go downstairs to check on her.