Category: physical pain

Shitty cold day but no snow yet

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain

I slept like every hour until I had to get up to send my niece off to school, starting at 3! I was so tired. My mother called me twice and I told her I was sleeping. Then she left the stupid kettle on and the noise woke me up. She went to the bathroom after she turned it on. Pisses me off when she does this because there usually is hardly any water in it. She doesn’t fill it like I do. So I was grumpy and she got mad. I made a burrito, just one as I was hungry and wanted to go back to sleep.

While I was sleeping my phone kept going off. The LGBT doc office called to remind me of my appt. I don’t know Why they have to call when they text and email me. Might be a settings thing. Then my mother called again to say dinner was ready. I wasn’t hungry, I wanted sleep dammit.

My ankle and foot have been going back and forth all day as to who is going to hurt me more. Snow hasn’t started yet. I wish it would. Maybe I would get some pain relief. I hope I will be able to go to the pharmacy to get my meds filled. Depends on how bad the snow is and if it is walkable. Some places have already called off school.

In my painsomnia state, I post a pic of my scars on IG. I have no idea why I did it. I might delete the pic. I had started self harm 27 yrs ago this month. I started when I was 15 and stopped around the age of 24, when I met my ex therapist. I was slowly stopping it before I saw her but the urges are tough to go away. I still have them but I cope better with them. It is not frequent. I sometimes think I traded self harm for being suicidal all the time.

I bought a new book called Helping the Suicidal person. I was supposed to start it last week but never did. I’d like to review it. We’ll see.

Worst Monday ever

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, mood disorders, physical pain

I woke up an hour before my alarm went off. I used the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I wanted to go back to bed but I knew if I did, I’d regret it. I laid down but didn’t sleep. My mother called me. She wanted me to go to the bank for her and I said to leave the stuff on the table. I wasn’t feeling too well. My foot hurt so I took some pain meds. Then I got dressed.

Went downstairs and got my mother’s bank stuff. Then I went to the bus stop. It was cold. A storm had been predicted. Just great. I got to Starbucks later than I wanted. I quickly ate my breakfast and then bought some new coffee and a French press. The one I had kept leaking coffee no matter how much pressure I put on the lid. Time for a new one.

I grabbed my things and went to the train. I put my ear buds in and wow the music was loud. I lowered the volume. Should have known it was the start of a migraine. Train came and I went into town. I got to my doc’s office with 2 mins to spare.

I was called in a few mins later. The medical assistant took my vitals. Asked about my pain and then said the doc would be in soon. I finished my espresso and threw it away. Doc came in and told him I couldn’t stand the pain anymore. He had to let the pain doc do something for my pain. I didn’t threaten suicide or anything. He read their notes but didn’t tell me what it said. Then I told him to contact my Neuro to find out what else can be done. He read his note and it said he suspected a superficial fibular nerve injury rather than crps. This was before the bone scan confirmed CRPS. My pcp said he would send him a note. Then he examined me. I told him my leg was swollen. He said it was consistent with the fibular nerve. I wanted to kick him. The poking aggravated my leg and ankle. The top of my foot was already nuts. I told him this half hurt and the other didn’t. I put my shoe back on. He wanted to do a tox screen. I forgot to ask him about CBD oil. Oh well. I left a urine sample and made an appt in a few months.

I got to the Square and just caught the bus. I went to the bank and by the time I got home, my ankle flared up. I took some pain meds and changed to my PJs. Then I made a sandwich. Came back to my room and my head exploded. I felt sick. Took my migraine meds, the zofran, and magnesium. I took the mag because the pain in my leg was causing spasms. Then my foot lit up like a Christmas tree. I was cooked. The barometric pressure was 29.95. Explains the migraine and increase in pain. I’m still trying to get it under control. I feel really sick. Sounds hurt so bad as does light. I’ll be going to bed early.

After I had some Sloppy Joes, I got the mail. The books I ordered came in. One is a medical thriller called the 4th procedure. The other book is called helping the suicidal person. If the migraine is gone tomorrow, I’ll read one.

I don’t ever remember having so much pain in my head and foot/ankle at the same time. The city has already called a snow emergency. There is no school tomorrow. I’m not going anywhere. I feel so miserable. I hope I sleep okay tonight. Sounds like my mother is done watching TV so maybe I can rest now.

CRPS Madness, painsomnia seems to rule

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain

I didn’t go to bed till 5 or thereafter. I had some cocoa pebbles and tried to sleep. I slept most of the morning, though my other phone kept ringing, waking me up. I turned it off. I think it lost battery now so I don’t have to worry about it. Soon as I was awake for about 5 mins, the pain that kept me up, returned. I had to go downstairs to use the bathroom and brush my teeth. It was torture but I got it done. I am not going to shower or change my sheets. I am too tired and hurt too much.

I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’m tempted to call my psych for some valium or sleeping pill. I really don’t want one though. I already take enough meds. I wish I was seeing my pcp this week. I know part of my pain is bad because of the storm that is coming tomorrow evening. It supposed to last 24 hours. Only supposed to get 8 inches of snow so I guess that is good if it holds true. It is the same kind of storm we got over the weekend but less intense, though coastal flooding is still a risk.

I must have wrote a message to my pcp as I found out the idiot fellow messed up my allergies in a big way. I don’t remember doing it. He said he fixed it. I fucking wish before leaving the office, they had you read what they wrote so any errors could be fixed right there and then rather than after the fact. Would be beneficial for all I think.

I hope I don’t have another flare tonight. I am hurting at a 8 right now. Last night was at least a 14. My new Moleskin notebooks came. Now I can write down my crazy pain, rate it, describe it, and note the time. It changes so much every few hours.

I didn’t realize I had 3 gaba pills left in the bottle. I thought I finished it the other night. I could have used it to help settle things down. I just took the pills a little while ago. I’m not going to stay up another night, least not tonight.

My flashlight and B vitamins came today. It is a small bottle so the pills must be tiny. It has 5000 mcg of B12, 800 mcg of folate, and 2 mg of B6. I just opened the bottle. They are instant dissolving and are cherry flavored. They taste ok. It is more like a pellet than a pill. And it is tiny. I hope it helps with my pain. B6 is for nerve function. Also hope it gives me energy. I won’t be able to put these guys in my pill box for the week so I’ll have to remember to take them every day. I’ll probably use another med alarm.

I had a frozen dinner, spaghetti and meatballs. For some reason, it is not sitting well in my stomach. I don’t know why. I’ve had it before and it never caused any problem. It is the only thing I’ve had since waking up, besides a slice of coffee cake. My mother has been eating it on me. Silly woman. It is good though.

I wish I could take a shower. I feel so crappy. I just know I will risk a flare if I do. Not worth the risk. I’ll be taking my night meds soon. Just hope I sleep through the night.

Crying and it’s not over spilled milk

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, physical pain

I’ve been in severe pain since about 2000. My foot was exploding shortly after 1800. Things just got worse from there. Pain is all over ankle and foot but only half, the outer half. I laid down and then pokers started impaling my foot. I’ve been crying with each burst of intense pain. There is no more meds I can take. Well, I could take gaba. Except I’d have to get up as my bottle is empty. Took the last few pills last night. Fuck. No way I am standing up. Any movement causes more pain.

I read a fun article tonight (being sarcastic). It was about how pain patients can die sudden, unexpected death. It is thought to be a cardiac event in most cases but there is no gross pathology and most coroners state death is accidental overdose, which blames the physician. The author states some good stuff on how docs can protect themselves. I hope I die that way. Unfortunately, my phone nor Kindle can upload the file. Otherwise I’d post it. It is on my Twitter account if you use Twitter.

Pain is just out of control tonight. I was having a low pain day until migraine hit. Then everything went south. I can’t believe how tearful I am. The tears just come out and I don’t hold them back. I hurt too much to stuff them. 

On a good note, I tweeted about buying Cam’s song burning house and she responded to it!! Omg. Made my day. I locked the tweet so it wouldn’t get deleted. Now I love her more. I almost cried about that. Fuck I’m so emotional. 

The L pattern pain is happening now. Bones are hurting. Nerves are on fire. Glob is just horrible. Other than writing, I have no other distraction. Music wouldn’t be good because it would just wake me up and make me think. Just want to die. I sent my psychiatrist the pain article. I hope she reads it. I’m going to ask my PCP to check my cortisol level. It will be important to know. If it is low, I might already be stressed from pain. I was having some palpitations earlier. Now my shin muscles are cramping because the flare is so intense. Fucking hate CRPS.