Category: physical pain

Crying and it’s not over spilled milk

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, physical pain

I’ve been in severe pain since about 2000. My foot was exploding shortly after 1800. Things just got worse from there. Pain is all over ankle and foot but only half, the outer half. I laid down and then pokers started impaling my foot. I’ve been crying with each burst of intense pain. There is no more meds I can take. Well, I could take gaba. Except I’d have to get up as my bottle is empty. Took the last few pills last night. Fuck. No way I am standing up. Any movement causes more pain.

I read a fun article tonight (being sarcastic). It was about how pain patients can die sudden, unexpected death. It is thought to be a cardiac event in most cases but there is no gross pathology and most coroners state death is accidental overdose, which blames the physician. The author states some good stuff on how docs can protect themselves. I hope I die that way. Unfortunately, my phone nor Kindle can upload the file. Otherwise I’d post it. It is on my Twitter account if you use Twitter.

Pain is just out of control tonight. I was having a low pain day until migraine hit. Then everything went south. I can’t believe how tearful I am. The tears just come out and I don’t hold them back. I hurt too much to stuff them. 

On a good note, I tweeted about buying Cam’s song burning house and she responded to it!! Omg. Made my day. I locked the tweet so it wouldn’t get deleted. Now I love her more. I almost cried about that. Fuck I’m so emotional. 

The L pattern pain is happening now. Bones are hurting. Nerves are on fire. Glob is just horrible. Other than writing, I have no other distraction. Music wouldn’t be good because it would just wake me up and make me think. Just want to die. I sent my psychiatrist the pain article. I hope she reads it. I’m going to ask my PCP to check my cortisol level. It will be important to know. If it is low, I might already be stressed from pain. I was having some palpitations earlier. Now my shin muscles are cramping because the flare is so intense. Fucking hate CRPS. 

Long night of painsomnia

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain

I didn’t get to sleep till 6 am this morning. I had been up 18 hours straight. I was in so much pain last night that I think being over tired just kept me up.

Needless to say, I slept for most of the day. I left my mother a note saying not to call me as I went to bed at 6. My middle sister woke me up at 1130 because she wanted to use my laptop. I got up to use the bathroom and have something to eat. Then went back to bed. My ankle was still hurting me. Soon after I got back to my room, the doorbell rang. It was some idiots inviting us to some event. WTF. I was pissed. They said they were our neighbors but I never saw them before the ten years I’ve been living here. Morons. Go bother someone else. I feel like putting up a sign saying official business only, all others screw. It took me a while to calm down but I did eventually. I slept for another couple of hours before I had to use the bathroom again.

I still don’t have my laptop back. I don’t care as I’ll be going to bed soon. I just took my night meds. I hope I will be able to sleep through the night. I am really tired. I didn’t have supper. I don’t feel like eating. I’m not really hungry. I just want to sleep.

Tomorrow I see my therapist. I really don’t feel like seeing him but it is too late to cancel. In my painsomnia mood, I ordered more stuff from Amazon. I bought some Moleskin notebooks, a regular size one and a pocket. I think I am going to make a pain book with the pocket size one. Just list the time date and what kind of pain I am experiencing. I know I could use my phone, but i like to write things down. My pens are collecting dust because I’m not using them as much. I wrote in my journal a few times a week. I’m hoping the new notebook will get me to write more. I can use different colored pens. I don’t know. I only use black ink for my journal writing. My friend in Canada gave me her work pen. It has blue ink. I’m going to swap it out for black. It is a really nice pen. It has her work number so if I am feeling like a mischief, I can call her. I probably won’t though as she is super busy. I really love this woman, not in a romantic way or anything, even though she is hot. She is my best friend. I leave her a message on FB everyday telling her she is beautiful and I love her. She means a lot to me. Always there for me, no matter what mood I am in. Then we laugh. FB messenger has this voice clip thing I’ve been using more of. It is great because she also leaves me a clip. It is awesome hearing her voice, like getting a phone call without the charges. Haha. She makes me smile. I’ve known her since I’ve had my nerve Injury 17 yrs ago. I will meet her one day, I hope. I always wanted to go up to Canada. I’ve been once but on the East side. She is more west near Vancouver. If I had a car, I’d probably leave and never come back.

Too tired from being in pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, physical pain

I had a difficult sleep. I woke up every 4 hours or so. I really just slept all day. I was going to write about CRPS today as rare disease awareness but I don’t have the energy. Maybe tomorrow.

I texted my therapist about this flare. I am so full of despair. My heart is breaking. My cousin had a baby and she came up the house. I didn’t want to see her. I was hurting too much to go downstairs. I know the temp is going to drop and there is supposed to be rain tomorrow. Not like CRPS cares. I’ll hurt anyway.

I see the pain doc in two weeks. He better give me something for this or I’ll go insane. I need to sleep through the night not sleep all day.

I haven’t had any coffee today. I think I might make a cup of tea as it is getting late. I bought coffee cake. I had a couple pieces before dinner. It is smaller than I thought it was. I feel bad that I missed the game again today. I canceled my eye appt so I should be able to hear it if it is on the radio. I don’t plan on going out as it is supposed to be rainy and windy.

I hope I sleep tonight. My ankle is throbbing so bad right now and the bones ache. I feel so helpless. I wish there was something I could do to soothe but there isn’t. How can you combat bone pain? Just sucks.

Woke up at 3 in pain, yay!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain, suicidality, transgender

I knew I was going to wake up when my pain med wore off. I thought the neurontin and Ativan would cover me. I was wrong. I have such intense burning going on and there feels like a little ball of pain toward the middle of where my ankle and foot meet. This is a new pain. Got to love CRPS and all the different pains it gives you. It is never the same pain twice, usually.

I just had some cornbread so that flared things up because I had to go down then up the stairs. I was hungry. I have decided to give some of my casserole to my barber and his pal. There is no way I can eat it all myself.

My big check came in so I paid my bills. Now I am broke again. Easy come, easy go. Sucks being an adult.

Pain is awful. I really wish I could have a break, if only for a few hours. I got into such deep despair last night because of it. I thought of ending things once again. I just don’t have a place to do it. I need to find one. I haven’t 100% made up my mind to do it, but having a place would ease the anxiety. I just feel everyone would be better off without me. I feel so useless. I can’t function anymore because I am not sleeping well. These broken sleeps are making me feel like shit most days. I’m never going to get better.

Been having a lot of gender dysphoria the past few days. My mother has been calling me miss and even though I correct her, she doesn’t care. I asked my sister to call me her brother and she said if I want to. I’m getting frustrated with the whole pronoun thing. If I didn’t have breasts, it might be easier. I don’t know when I can have top surgery or if my insurance will pay for it. I’ve been too scared to call and ask. I will ask the LGBT doc when I see him in a few weeks. O hope I don’t have to lose weight because that will be a hard battle. I’ve only gained weight because of my meds. I know I don’t eat right. I’ve been thinking of joining Nutrisystem. It is a weight loss program but I don’t think I can afford the food. I’ll have to look into it. I have other stuff I need to get done before I spend like $300 on food to lose weight.

I wish my breasts were smaller than they are. Women in my family have such huge breasts. I hate them on me. Actually, I think loathe is a better term. If I could cut them off myself, I would. Also been wondering if I should get a penile operation. I don’t know. I guess in time I’ll figure that out.

I requested my records from the pain clinic to see what they wrote about me. I think it is important for me to know. I have every right to see my records. I hope they come soon.