Category: suicide

Random 515

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I woke up surprisingly just before 0800. I didn’t have to babysit until around 0915. My foot and ankle were hurting me so I just took one pain pill. I wasn’t going to go out. I made myself breakfast and then read some Dostoevsky. I planned on writing what I needed to for the Adler chapter but I just couldn’t think straight and I was really groggy. When my niece’s grandmother came to pick her up around an hour later, I just went to bed. My mother called me like an hour later but I didn’t pick up.

I have been in pain for most of the week. I am glad I am seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow afternoon. I had emailed her a short email about how I was doing. Nothing bad. Just that I was in pain still and continuing to struggle with it. I apologized for not sending her any blogs because I felt they would be worrisome to her as my mood has been bleak. I don’t want her to know that I have been having suicidal thoughts and plan on acting on them.

I so need a shower. I plan on taking on soon. I also need to brush my teeth. I was going to do it this morning but I just couldn’t stand long enough. I was in too much pain.

The Sox game was on this afternoon but I didn’t watch it. They lost. Now I have the evening free. I am just going to shower and then take my meds and go to bed. Very interesting, I know. I just don’t feel like doing much. I kind of gave myself a writing assignment. Last night while going through my blogs, I found a quote from Dostoevsky and I think I am going to write more about it. The blog didn’t really say much about it. I got off tangent and it was hard to follow so I am writing a new one.

Post 1900

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Post 1900

My psychiatrist called in my trilafon. Unfortunately, she didn’t change the damn order so I am still “taking” one pill a day. I told her in the email that I am taking 2 pills a day. I am aggravated. I see her on Friday so I hope she will write a new order then.

I didn’t have anyone to go to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription so I took a chance of going out to get it. I was hurting but not more than usual. As a treat to myself, I bought some hot fries. I figure I will have them while I watch the game tonight. I came home and I was sweating up a storm. It was muggy out.

I did make coffee today. But I really have had much to eat. I just am not hungry. I slept most of the day as I really didn’t want to get up. We are out of bread so I couldn’t make a sandwich or something. I hope my mother gets some tomorrow. I hate being out of bread.

I was reading some of my blogs from last June. I honestly don’t know how I am alive today as I was so depressed and suicidal. And not much has changed. I had emailed my psychiatrist the most dreadful stuff. I am really surprised I didn’t get put into the hospital then.

I haven’t written to my therapist in a few days. There has been nothing I really want to write. Even today’s blog has been difficult. I guess being in pain and taking pain meds has really affected my feelings. All I want to do is sleep and then when it’s time to sleep, I am in pain. I have to watch my niece for a few hours tomorrow, which means I need to wake up early. I don’t know if that is possible given that I rarely have been awake before 9 all week. I again don’t have anything to do so I will set my alarm, just in case I over sleep. I hope I am not up all night. That will really suck.

Random 268

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I’m listening to the game. It just started. I haven’t done anything all day but sleep. I had a rough night sleeping and didn’t really go to lala land until 0600. I was up most of the night. I emailed my psychiatrist to tell her I was in pain and to request more trilafon but again, she hasn’t called it in yet. If there is still no response from her by tomorrow afternoon, I plan on paging her. I have 4 pills left.

Pain is still there. I can bear weight on my leg but not too much. I am still limping around. Stairs are still difficult. I didn’t dare go out today, course I slept for most of the day. I haven’t worked on the questions for the chapter on Adler. I plan on working on that tomorrow, if I don’t have any problems sleeping tonight. I am not anticipating it because the pain levels are not that bad. I had taken a lot of meds last night to try and control the pain. Usually after taking my strong pain meds, I am out like a light but it didn’t happen. It brought the pain level down to an 8 but I could not get it lower than that, which is why I was up most of the night.

My mother called to say she was making dinner and I asked if she could make lazy man’s mac and cheese. I wanted some comfort food. It was very good. Then not even an hour later, I was hungry again so I made a tuna sandwich. I really haven’t eaten much today because I have been sleeping. I also haven’t had anything to drink. I did while I had my sandwich and macaroni. I am probably dehydrated because it’s still fucking humid. I have my AC working again, thank god. I don’t think I will need to buy a new one. It’s not going to matter because I will be gone soon.

A close friend of mine read my past couple of blogs that I wrote. She is worried about me because I mentioned that I will be ending my life soon. She wants me to get a hold of my doctor. I told her I would tomorrow, if she didn’t call in my meds. I was seriously contemplating paging her around 0300 when I was at my wits end with pain. I didn’t know what to do anymore and I was losing my mind. I was so tired but I couldn’t sleep. I was listening to music, writing, talking with the voices. Nothing was helping. I was too tired to read or play games on my Kindle. I finally decided to watch an 11 year old from the UK play the blues on his electric guitar. He is very good. One of his songs I really had a guitar gasm. I love hearing good guitar playing. The guitar is my favorite instrument. I plan on getting his debut album when I get paid next week. His music helped my overtired brain and I was able to get to sleep.

It was weird not having therapy today but I was grateful because I woke up briefly around 1330, which would have been after my appointment. I am missing my therapist. I did text her a few times while I was up in pain. I thought about writing her a letter but I couldn’t have clear thoughts and I really didn’t want to use a pen. Surprisingly, I didn’t think of ending my life the whole time I was in horrible pain. I guess because I am going to in the next few weeks, I don’t have to worry about it so much. The only thing I need to worry about is actually walking to my destination.

It’s late and I’m still up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

It’s late and I’m still up

I had to go back downstairs because that is where the bathroom is. I am in so much pain that I decided to take the strong pain meds to see if that calms things down. I fricken wish my therapist wasn’t on vacation. I could really use a session right now as my sister still has me all torn up. I just feel that they are crowding into my space and that I don’t feel valued. It’s bad enough where I place my bags my sister wants to put a cabinet so I need to move my stuff out of there. My bro in law need to get his stuff out of there first. I just feel like I am being kicked out of my own home even though I pay my dues every fucking month. Half my SSD check is put towards the mortgage, and I do own, technically, a third of the house. I will inherit this place when my mother passes, which I hope is not any time soon.

Being in pain isn’t helping my mood. I am listening to music to try and calm down but it’s not working. I don’t feel like reading as I read quite a bit today. Tomorrow I need to answer the questions of the chapter and then turn it in. I did find one typo that needs mentioning as the sentence doesn’t make sense otherwise.

I feel like my previous blog was a bitch rant and I don’t care. It is how I felt at the time. I am not sorry for how I feel but it was pretty harsh words. Pain will do that to you. All I keep hearing my psych would say is “calm down”. But how can I when my things are going to be potentially moved? All my books are in my office. All the hard work that I used for my research is in my office. Granted I have moved some of the stuff to my room, but most of it is still in my office. I might not use it every day and it’s mostly a holding area for stuff, but I do use the room. I really don’t want my sister living with me again. It will be too much. And what will become of my niece and nephew? They are just going to live in the streets while my sister has a roof over her head? That is what is really burning me up. She calls them selfish but I think she is if she doesn’t provide for her kids, no matter that they are over 18. Just really pisses me off.

It’s not like my sister doesn’t have her own apartment. She does. She has lived there for a long time. It’s her home. I don’t understand why she would want to give it up to live in a shitty small room that can barely fit a twin size mattress. I just don’t get it.

One thing is for certain, I always make do with my thinking. Some time in September I will go through with my plan to end my life. Then I don’t care what the hell happens to my things. They can have a bonfire in the backyard with it. But I seriously need to write a will and testament before I do. It will be tough but it will happen. I got less than four weeks to do this. Some deadline…literally.