Category: suicide

Therapist is Back

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Therapist is back

My therapist came back from vacation. She went to Ireland as she brought me back a spoon. It’s becoming our thing. We talked about a lot of things. I gave her my sauce and she wanted to eat it right then and there. She is too funny.

We didn’t talk about my suicidality, but we did talk about how my pain and the voices are contributing to it. I still need to page my psychiatrist so I can get some more trilafon. She encouraged me to page her though I am a little hesitant as it’s not an “emergency”. I just emailed her again. If I don’t get a response, I will page her tomorrow. I still have enough to last me the week.

My therapist doesn’t want me to kill myself in September because it’s a special month for her. I suppose I could wait till October. The weather is bound to be cooler then and maybe I can get some kind of suicide note out of the way. It will give me time to think of what I want to do with my stuff. I think it’s unfair that I am made to wait a month when I want to end my life so badly. She just doesn’t get how miserable I am.

I talked about the psychologist that was being a jerk to me yesterday. I explained what his thoughts were and she agreed with me that he was being an idiot. I don’t know why I follow him. Just for a laugh, I suppose.

We also talked about my other friend on Twitter. She asked if I met him yet. I told her no and I am not so sure I want to meet him because he is a therapist. He is a little looney but that is okay. I find him interesting and funny. I guess I don’t want to be disappointed with seeing him in real life versus what I imagine him to be like.

It’s funny that we kind of talked in circles all through out our session. Not really focusing on any issues. She did ask about my pain and I told her the situation with my pain meds. I have technically 9 days of meds and I don’t get a refill for 14. This is because I have had to increase the meds to get relief. I am no longer taking 1 pills at a time. I think I am taking around 6 pills a day when I am allotted only 4. That is when I am having a bad day. Lately, I haven’t had that much pain so I think it will even out. But I can’t control flare ups. I guess if I do have another flare, I will have to take the strong pills and risk my bowels being shut off for a few days, despite taking senna. It’s all the give and take of the pain syndrome. All the more reason why I rather kill myself now while I can possibly walk to my destination than not.

The drive there wasn’t too bad and I made it on time back. I didn’t hit traffic and listened to country tunes the whole way singing along. It was fun driving. I am glad I don’t have a car for daily use as traffic annoys me.

Just got a response from my psych about my meds: “yes”. I don’t know what that means. I hope it means she will call it in. Why do docs have to be so damn cryptic?

Voices and pain are keeping me up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Voices and pain are keeping me up

I have taken the trilafon for the voices and the pain meds for my pain but I am still restless. I am not in a lot of pain but I just feel agitated. The voices keep changing the lyrics of the songs I am listening to. If they have anything to do with death, they want me to kill myself. I am very annoyed that the two doses of trilafon that I took has had no effect on the voices and my head is full of noise.

One of the songs I heard tonight was “No Surprise” by Daughtry. I keep thinking of my plan and how it should be no surprise that I will die. I have been talking of ending my life for years now. It’s not like it is a fresh idea that came to my head.

Away from the Sun is now playing… It’s perfect because I am so far down away from the sun that shines into the darkest place. But the thing is that I am not feeling so down. I am actually happy that I have made this decision to end my life, voices or no voices. I am under siege of pain and I cannot take it anymore. The pain is driving me and ending what little resources I have left to fight. It’s taken my job away from me. It’s taken my quality of life away. I cannot brush my damn teeth any more because of pain. I cannot take long showers because I cannot stand more than 10 minutes at a time without my back cramping up on me or my ankle killing me. What kind of life is that?

It really sucks that the voices tonight haven’t responded to my medication tonight. I might need another dose. Music has helped with drowning out the voices. It’s the only thing that really helps, even though it risks having more musical hallucinations, which are not fun. I changed my music genre tonight to alternative 90s rock rather than country music.

I am just going to leave without a trace. No one will know and that is the important thing. I am scare that I will be rescued. I haven’t worked out the details of my death. It’s still hazy. But I have time. I won’t go unless I have finished writing my suicide note that I started.

I started writing my suicide note but I am having trouble with it. I still haven’t thought about what to write, really. I know no one is to blame for my death. My doctors have done the best they can to try and help me and I appreciate all they have done for me over the years. But the demons are too strong. The QOL is just not there anymore and it is making me feel really depressed. I can’t deal anymore. Game over. Do not collect $200, do not pass go. I am in jail without a get out of jail free card.

Saturday Blog 61

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Saturday Blog 61

I made a tuna sandwich for lunch. I could barely finish it. I was hungry but not that hungry. My appetite has been off this week. My pain levels have returned. Last night I took a strong pain pills and it was the first time all week that the pain actually went down to a zero. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t move it too much after the pain went away because I was afraid that would bring the pain back. But now the medicine has worn off and I am in pain again.

I read an article from “the Mighty Site” about “what goes through a chronic pain’s mind when you can’t sleep” or something like that. I read it with interest but it clearly lacked what I experience when I can’t sleep due to pain. If you add in some suicidality, it might come a little closer. https://themighty.com/2016/08/what-its-like-to-be-kept-up-at-night-by-chronic-pain/

Been feeling low since the pain came back. I am just discouraged that I am again plagued with pain. I talked to my sister last night. I talked her into buying pizza for me after she gets out of work. I can’t wait because I have been craving pizza for the past few days. Pizza won’t help the pain but will help my mood. Pizza is my comfort food, well one of them anyways.

There is a song by Sam Hunt called “make you miss me”. Every time I hear it, I want to text my therapist the lyrics. Only problem is that I am afraid she will freak out and panic. I can’t help but feel this song is so me right now. I keep thinking of how my suicide is going to affect my “kids”. Three are adults and one is 11. I think about it and it keeps me here for a little longer but then I will put the blinders on and they get blocked out, like everyone else in my life. If I don’t have the blinders, I might never kill myself and continue to suffer this existence that I don’t want to be in.

College football season starts soon. Usually, that makes me happy. But I am dreading it because baseball season is still going on and the Sox have a good chance of making it to the playoffs. I normally shut out football until baseball season is officially over (end of the World Series). Last year was the exception because the Sox were in last place for most of the season and I couldn’t wait to watch winning teams. I got hooked on college football way back when I was doing a two month hospitalization when I was 19. It was the only thing to watch on Saturdays as there was really nothing of interest and I was restricted to the ward because of my suicidality.

I still am brainstorming a paper that I am thinking of writing. I think I am going to have to hand write it because looking at a computer screen is not giving me ideas. I think once I write it, it will help explain things on why I need to die. Being in severe pain is one of the reasons. Having to rely on pain meds for relief all the time is another. They work, don’t get me wrong. But I hate being a “pill popper”. And the voices love rubbing it in. I still haven’t quite got them to quiet down despite being medicated. They really want me to end my life and I am tired of fighting them on this. It’s so tiring between being in pain and fighting the noise in my head, suffering from severe depressions, and constantly battling suicidal thoughts. So I am giving up. It’s over. I got a plan and soon as the weather is cooler, I plan on executing it.

another day, another flare up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I met with my psychiatrist this afternoon. I forgot to tell her about the musical hallucinations I have been getting. I will probably email this information to her later today. Things went okay, walk wise. I am kind of upset that my PCP’s office didn’t call me until I was on my way home, saying that the paperwork I needed was ready to be picked up. Now I need to go Monday to get it. Sucks.

She did a mini neuro exam to make sure my nerves were intact. She again stressed that she was concerned about side effects from the trilafon because it was a first generation drug and that I have been taking it more regularly. I understand the concern but I am not worried about it. I have been on this drug a long time and know the limits of it. As long as I don’t take more than 8 mg a day, I should be fine. She still wants me to take just 4 mg but I explained to her that sometimes it just doesn’t cover the agitation and voices or the musical hallucinations that I have. I also try to just take it at night but I sometimes need it during the day because I do get paranoid when I take the public transportation system. I did surprisingly well today, though I felt “stuck” as a monster stroller pretty much kept me in my seat at the last stop. I had to wait for that passenger to get off before I could get off. I didn’t panic, which was good.

Before I went to my appointment, I went to Starbucks and wrote the stuff I needed to write for the Adler chapter. I plan on writing the email once I finish this blog. It didn’t take me long as I just had a few suggestions and comments. While I was there, my ankle was being a pain so I took some pain meds. I just had coffee as my funds were low so I couldn’t get something to eat. I wasn’t that hungry anyways. I finally did have something when I came home. My mother made my favorite, asparagus and eggs. I ate it plain, without bread. Mostly because we are still out. I swear when I get paid I am buying more than I usually do and freezing the extra so we have it for the month. Also need to get Italian bread. Last night I went online to order groceries. My cart was $0 and within 5 mins, it went up to $140. That is my typical spending spree. I only shop once a month so that is my monthly shopping bill.

Last night I tweeted via direct message a friend of mine because I was feeling low and like a hypocrite for being in the suicide prevention arena yet feeling wicked suicidal. He told me I wasn’t and that he loved me. Then he read my last blog and got worried. I had gone back to sleep so I didn’t get the message until I woke up a couple of hours later. I replied while waiting at the bus stop. He was thankful for it.

Because I have been very inactive most of the week and just filling up on pain meds, my bowels were stuck. They were finally set free today and thank god they were hard or I would have had an accident coming home. I am really glad I didn’t stop at Walgreens to pick up my scripts. I never would have made it home without pooping my pants. It would have killed me. Because my ankle acted up while I was going back to my room after eating, I am not planning on going back out until Monday. I am in so much pain it’s not funny. The sad thing is that I can’t bear weight on my foot or ankle. It’s too painful. My psych asked if my pain meds were adequate and I told her they were. But I needed to take them around the clock in order to get relief. If I am not in so much pain, I usually don’t. This week has been so bad, that I have had to. I know I probably should take the stronger pain med because it works better and kills the pain for longer periods than my regular pain meds but it’s wicked constipating. Even though I have been taking senna and fiber pills, I was backed up.

I’m really glad I decided not to go to PT. It would have really caused a worse flare up and I don’t think I would be able to stand it. It’s bad enough that I am hanging by a thread and that thread keeps getting thinner and thinner as time goes on. One day it’s just not going to be there anymore. And that is when I say sayonara.

I told my psych that I was tempted to page her at 3 in the morning the night I could barely sleep because I was in so much pain. She said she would have answered the page. That is good to know because I really needed someone to talk to at that hour. She said that I should find a west coast buddy. I laughed because a west coast friend did contact me but unfortunately, my meds had started to take effect finally and I was on my way to dreamland (three hours later).