Christmas 2020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Christmas 2020

I have had a good few days. I had a good day today despite my foot and ankle flaring right now. I spent too much time in my slippers. My mother is still in the hospital. She is probably going to be there for some time. I don’t think they are going to let her home until they know she can be safe from falls. My sisters and I have tested negative from Covid so we have been celebrating this small victory in this hellish year.

I got the new Taylor Swift album evermore CD and am in love with it. I think it is one of her best CDs. I talked about her music with my therapist yesterday. We talked a lot about music yesterday. She scoffed that I like Taylor but I don’t care. I will always like Taylor. She is one of my favorite artists. I told her I like Bon Jovi too and she liked that. And of course she likes him too. So we have something in common.

I took a shower today. I needed to take one as I was really starting to smell. I am going to try and take one every other day like I use to but it has been so hard to do so. I think if it wasn’t so tiring I would be taking them more frequently. It is just a mental hassle as well as physical. I still take a selfie after I shower because my hair does funky things when it is towel dried. It is never the same. My hair just does whatever the hell it wants. I don’t really care unless I am going out. Then it is usually a baseball hat on.

Even though I have had a good day, I am feeling sad. I am just feeling really depressed. I don’t know why. I think it might be because my pain levels are high at the moment. I have been listening to evermore and for some reason my MP3 player separated the featured songs and wasn’t playing them. Sucks. I had to manually add the songs to the playlist.

I have been thinking of shaving my beard off. It is getting unruly. I might trim it. I don’t know. I never know what to do with it. I like playing with the hairs. I will make a decision the next time I shower.

covid strikes again

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Covid strikes again

My mother has been ill the past few weeks. Last night she took a fall around 3 am and was very sore this morning. She had a doctor’s appointment but didn’t want to go because she couldn’t walk. My sister told her we would take her to the emergency room. In the end, we called an ambulance as she didn’t want to go down the stairs. She was feeling too awful. They tested her at the hospital as her O2 sats were low and she tested positive for Covid. I got tested today so should have it back in a day or two. My mother is hospitalized because of her oxygen levels and because of a biomarker for her heart that is indicating heart problems. She has stress on her heart and they are worried about that. She also has pneumonia and fluid in her lungs. I have been a nervous wreck all day thinking about her.

As I said earlier, I got tested. It was fairly quick at the center I went to. I was glad because I didn’t have to wait too long. I called my PCP’s office to tell them what is going on as I have an appointment next week to get my shoulder looked at. It has been bothering me for weeks now and is not getting better. The tension in my neck and shoulders is quite painful. I might have to have a virtual visit but then they offered me an appointment to see someone in the Covid section of the hospital so I might do that. I don’t know what to do. I said I would call tomorrow when my test results come back. Tomorrow is my birthday. I hope it will be negative but I have been around my mother all this time without a mask on so we’ll see. I feel okay. I don’t have symptoms. I have been tired but it is my usual tired.

I am still in the partial program. I had today off because I thought I would be watching my mother as she had a doctor’s appointment that I was going to go with her to. But turns out I just worried about her from home. Tomorrow I will be going back to the program. It will be my birthday and the first time that my mother will be in the hospital. I told my sisters we can celebrate it when she is home.

I just talked to my mother. She sounded tired and the nurse said she needs her rest so my sister is calling everyone. I talked with her for a little bit. I am glad. I was so worried. She is in a room now and soon she will have dinner. I hope she eats something.

Zoom Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

All day I’ve been on zoom. I had partial today and went to all 5 groups. The last 2 were difficult. I didn’t want to be there and the last group felt like it was never going to end. I was counting down the minutes.

After partial my ankle flared up and has been hurting me since. I took some meds for it and will need to take some more. Pain is so bad. Feels like an ice pick is going through my ankle. I’ve been trying to not move it but I can’t stay completely still. I feel really depressed about it.

I had a zoom call with my father’s side cousins and it went well. Zoom didn’t cut us off at the 40 min mark so we talked for an hour and a half. It was so good talking to everyone. Gave me a little distraction from the pain in my ankle. Everyone is still surprised I have chronic pain and when I tell them I have a pain syndrome they are shocked or go what is that. They don’t understand it at all. I try to explain it but it is hard.

I met with my psychiatrist yesterday and he threatened to decrease my counts of my meds because of the one med I want to kill myself with that has nothing to do with the others. If he does that in January when I have to pay I am going to be screwed. I really don’t want to pay twice a month for my meds, especially the Latuda as it is so expensive. I will really be upset with him. I understand the prerogative behind it but I am not a polymed overdoser. I told him that. I really hope he doesn’t penalize me because I am suicidal. Because that is what it feels like. I know I should get rid of the stuff I have but I am not ready to part with it yet.

My appetite came back today. I had two meals today. Tomorrow I plan on going to the Square to get some burgers. I’ll probably get some more cheese too. I know I have to get pickles and turkey bacon. Hopefully it will be in the grocery store across the street from the butcher shop. I always get my burgers at the butcher because the quality of the meat is better. And it is cheaper, too.

tired and blah

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Tired and blah

I didn’t want to go to groups today but I went anyway, to all five of them. I usually skip the last group because I think it is a waste of time but I went anyway today. I haven’t been eating so been really tired and am now starting to feel weak because I haven’t eaten in three days. I wanted to make a sandwich today but the bread was frozen so I had to wait. I think I will make the sandwich after I finish this blog.

I got a new copy of Trauma and Recovery that I plan on reading tonight. My therapist was sarcastic in her response when I told her so I am not sure if she likes me reading this or not. It isn’t a light book to read but I think I will learn from it.

A storm is supposed to pass through tonight dropping a crap load of snow. I am glad I went out yesterday to get what I needed. I should have bought burgers. I need to get them this weekend. I haven’t had a homemade burger in so long.

I just read my therapist’s notes and it paints a depressing picture. Made me feel more depressed reading it than anything. She spells out my symptoms of depression clearly. I guess I am just in denial again about how depressed I am. Doesn’t surprise me as I am never in touch with how I feel. She writes that I practice skills but I don’t always do that. I have a hard time doing it on my own. Even the partial program is starting to get on my nerves about skills. I just don’t believe in them. I don’t know what will help but I know that whatever I am doing isn’t working right now. Meds are not helping me but then I am not at a dose that is helpful.

I got an email earlier today about how a researcher wants to use my blog as part of his research so I am happy about this. I am glad my writing is helping someone.