Pain fucking day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder

Since I woke up, my fricken malleolus has been killing me. Just being hammered. I had taken melatonin last night but only got around 5 hours as pain kept me up till around or after midnight. I possibly could have easily been up 24 hours. I am glad the melatonin didn’t let me sleep in 2 hour increments but I think it is because I didn’t have gabapentin on board.

I am in a lot of distress and despair. I am trying to avoid sending my psych yet another email about how bad I just don’t want to live anymore but all I am doing is making her worried. She has been really awesome trying to support me through this. I had to tell her the other night that I don’t expect her to fix this. I know she can’t. No one can. She doesn’t want to see me suffer so much either. I just want her to listen to the crazy despair and hopelessness. I understand that she feels that if the pain was gone, the hopelessness and possibly intense suicidality would too.

My friend in the UK just moved to Scotland. When I told her last week I was going to end it, she asked if my family could send her a letter I wrote out so she would know. I wrote the letter and it is in the envelope I have of stuff I wrote should I do go through with it. Way i feel right now, if I could fucking move, I would go through with it. As much discord that is going on with my family, I just can’t have them find me in my room. I have to be out of the house. Go to my happy place one last time and end it there.

Been seven months of feeling this intense suicidal feelings over this cruel condition. Yes, family stuff, psych leaving, trans stuff has contributed but 90% is due to this unpredictable pain. I can do some stuff and hurt. Can do the same stuff the next day and not hurt as much. I learned today that if I don’t have deep sleep, it doesn’t reset the pain. I took a nap this afternoon and slept around 2 hours. Pain had gone. Then I showered and it flared back up again. I hate being in this much misery night after fucking night. It has to end. Just has to. Nothing matters to me anymore. I’ve lost interest in so many things, including writing here. This used to bring me so much content. Stats would make me happy someone was reading even if only 12 people read for the day. Usually it is the same blogs though, not my recent stuff (but could as it is my home page that is above the other stuff).

I don’t think I will make it to 44. I refuse to make a plan for 1 or 2 weeks anymore. Just going to be in a day or two from the hell I am in. I just cannot go on like this. There is no point. No I am not going to act this week. I can’t as my cousin is getting married and I don’t want my death to ruin it. Still need to mail out her gift I made. Shit and a card. I still can’t believe I packed up the gift and didn’t put in a card. Idiot I am. Will try and remember this week.

Ok maybe a little blogging

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, psychache

Been doing a fair amount of walking today, which wasn’t my intention. I tried to nap but noise kept me up every time I thought I was going to doze off. Foot/ankle are all swelled up and hurt like fucking hell. Pain is easy a 12 right now. Feeling so fucking suicidal. Bones are just aching and feeling crushed. It is always the trigger. One day it is going to set off the gun and swear once it is in motion, I am not going to stop. Be foolish to. I can’t take pain getting worse or my back being a time bomb. It is always half my goddamn foot/ankle. Going to be a long night. Glad I took my pain meds early, though might need another one in a few hours. Hate taking pills all the fucking time for this.

I got the start of PT next week but with my voice being shot, I don’t think I will go. I will just get a referral when I can speak without it hurting so bad afterwards. I am supposed to go back to laryngology in 3 months. The PA said I can cancel if I am “better”. Honestly the woman is whacked. Should send her a message and see if she knows why the whatever it is is making it hard to speak. I never asked her that.

Temps are supposed to drop tomorrow so I am going to be hurting. Temp went up to fricken 80 today. I thought we were done with hot temps. But that is Boston for you.

Mood has been awful today. Just feel so hopeless and with pain hitting me at night, just makes it worse. Really don’t see how this is going to change. Was supposed to have therapy tomorrow but I canceled. Too painful to talk. Never thought I’d lose my voice in so many ways. First is writing and second is literally. Guess my psych is not going to see that book published.

No blog so

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder

Here is a pic of my nephew Thor, a chihuahua mix. He is so fricken adorable.

it’s 2 am and I am still up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

It’s 2 am and I am still up

Pain hit me bad around 2115 or so. My foot has been feeling like it is being crushed all day and still continues to feel this way despite my breakthrough med. But around 215, I started having severe suicidal ankle pain. This caused me so much fucking aggravation. Like the last nerve had been hit. I spoke the other day how I have all the ducks in a row and now they will call come together. I am sick of being and will be taking efforts soon to not be. It won’t be this week but sometime this month.

I am supposed to go to physical therapy in twelve hours. I am going to cancel the appointment mostly because my voice still isn’t there and I don’t want to be talking for 45 mins just for my throat to be sore the rest of the day. I will see if my voice is better next week and then have the eval then.

I sent a message to my psych to see when she wanted to talk, if she wanted to talk. I never got a response so I guess we aren’t talking. No big deal. I can try to talk to her on Tuesday. I sent her a thing she wanted me to write to try and get the therapist up to date on my suicidality. She hasn’t said anything about it so I guess it is ok. I wrote about the background and then how things are now. I also wrote about how I want her to be accountable to things we discuss and have them followed up the following week. I am tired of therapists not following through or continuing what was said the previous week. I have not printed this out. I don’t even want to see the therapist because I am afraid of what will happen. I told her some stuff about how I want to proceed in therapy from now on until the suicidality is somewhat under control. I am not sure how she will take this so I am nervous. I went through this with my long term therapist and things didn’t go well. She didn’t want to carry through on things and that frustrated me more than anything.

One of the things I talked about was the SSF (suicide status form). It is part of the Collaborating, Assessment, and Managing of Suicide (CAMS) framework. It is used to assess suicidality to get a better picture of what the episode it like for the patient. It is individualized for that patient and it really helps the clinician know where the problems or situations are that are leading to this person thinking about suicide. I have made copies of the forms from the 1st edition of the book but have not done so for the 2nd edition. The 2nd edition has the changes of a few things and on the current DSM (diagnostical system of mental disorders). The last message I had with the creator was a month or so ago and he was looking into an electronic form so that it could be easier sent to the medical record. The wonderful thing about the SSF is that it has all the documentation needed in just a few pages for the patient’s record. Right now that is just paper but eventually it will be electronic. I am not sure how that will go or if there will be a 3rd version of the book to reflect this or what. But it is in the works and last I heard would be ready sometime this year.

I don’t know if she would be interested in something she has not seen or heard of. The bottom line is that CBT and DBT (both of which she does) are also evidence based treatments for suicidality. I am not sure if this is true for chronic suicidality but I don’t think that has been studied.

1203 pm: I canceled my PT appointment. I didn’t sleep until after 0500 and with my voice being terrible, I really didn’t want to talk. Now I have the whole day to myself. It is nice out. I have one business I need to take care of before I go. I got to close my IRA account as I haven’t put any money in for years and because it is below the minimum amount, I have been charged every year, dwindling what was there. I figure I better close it before there is nothing and then be in the negative. The interest is not that great either. I just updated my book because I found it and it was only 1 to 2 cents given. I am just worried about how much taxes are going to be taken out because I am not of age to collect it. I went through this once before and it was a hassle. I think it was more because the bank didn’t want to do it than anything. Least that was my impression. Maybe I will go to the square and do it at the bank there as the one near me always gives me a fucking hassle with transactions.

I need to take a shower. I also need to change my bed sheets but that in itself is more tiring than taking a shower. My foot is a 7 right now. I know after the shower it will be up for a bit. Maybe in the afternoon I will go to do the bank business. I already had my coffee for the day so I won’t go to Starbucks. Though I might as someone misplaced or got rid of my reusable cup. I can’t find it anywhere. Maybe my nephew has it in his room. I will ask him when I see him.