Tag: back pain

Saturday Baking and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Saturday Baking and other things

I had left over cranberries from my cranberry cake and wanted to use them. I made muffins. It took me a fricken an hour to make. My back and ankle are not happy with me right now. I got a wave of the tireds when I started writing this and had to lie down. I thought I was going to sleep through the night so I set my timer for fifteen minutes so I wouldn’t fall into a deep sleep as I had to do the clean up. Fifteen minutes rolled around and I didn’t want to get up, just like I knew I wouldn’t. I forced myself up and went back to the kitchen where my mother was making dinner. She cleared some dishes by putting them in the dishwasher and left me basically all the cooking stuff that I had used. I washed them and got injured. The food processing blade got my finger. I forgot how sharp that sucker is. Then I had dinner. After dinner, I had to try a muffin and they came out good. I ate about three of them. They weren’t that big as I thought they would be. The Neurontin has given me hungry horrors today so I have been eating like mad.

After dinner, I just goofed off on Facebook. Found an article that stated the CDC basically lied about the opioid controversy in their studies by excluding studies that should have been included, according to the authors of the study I read. It was all over my head so I read what I could then went back to looking at videos and pics and memes. God, does Facebook have memes. I hate memes. Some of them are funny but after you seen them once, they lose interest when you see the same pics a thousand times, but with different sayings. I just don’t get the appeal. And my biggest peeve is when they say the quote as their status and then show the damn meme with the quote! WTF. Be original for crying out loud. Twitter does the same thing. Makes me want to take a cyber holiday.

Ohio and Nebraska didn’t have football games this week. I don’t think the season is done because other teams are still playing but I think it’s coming down to the wire who is going to play who in the bowls. There hasn’t been an official schedule yet but I hope it’s soon.

Other than baking, that is all I have done today. It was enough because I am totally wiped out. My ankle and foot are having a battle right now as to who is going to hurt more. I think ankle is going to win. But it doesn’t matter because I have meds. So take that!

I’m still thinking about going into the hospital. As annoying as it will be with med schedules and groups and dealing with potential idiot doctors/social workers, it would be nice not have to worry about whether I will OD every single night. Last night I came very close to taking more meds than I should. I don’t even know what set me off, though it doesn’t take much to set me off these days. A flare up, bad words with my mother, no cream for my coffee. Little things that normally won’t piss me off will suddenly push me off the edge. Maybe I need the safety to be watched and have check ins with people who may or may not give a shit about you. The only thing that will be a bitch is not having my pain medication at my disposal. I might not exactly wait six hours for my next dose but the hospital will, to the exact next minute I am supposed to take it. I can’t take it a minute earlier. The med computer system won’t even dispense the drug unless it’s within the time frame for the next dose. Sucks.

My aunt died this morning. She had been battling breast cancer for numerous years. She had one breast remove and then was in remission for a long time when it came back probably like ten years or so. It spread and she had been going for chemo and radiation, the works. Now she doesn’t have to fight anymore. She was a nice woman but god help you if you got on her bad side. My sister said that she and my father are probably talking up a storm, that is if she let you get a word in edge wise. She was a talker. She will be missed.

Back Pain, editing and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Back Pain editing and other things

I think I had a good night sleeping because I woke up around 0900. I had to go to the bathroom but my mother was using it to get washed and dressed. I waited till she was done so I could brush my teeth. I had back pain throughout but I managed. I really wanted to go out today but walking around the house while waiting to use the bathroom helped ease out the kinks.

After the bathroom, I decided to say fuck the back pain and go out. I really wanted to try and get a huge chunk of editing done and, of course, get my espresso. I waited for time to pass as I was early for the bus. I was debating going to the pharmacy to drop off my prescription but I wasted too much time and had enough time to get dressed and to get to the bus stop in time. I took a pain pill for the back pain and left.

Starbucks had this promotion where if you bought three items, you collected 150 points. Today I bought the third item with my espresso drink. Then I got to work on my book. The first few stories were fine and didn’t need too much editing. The fourth story was a mess, formatically. Apparently, word decided that every paragraph needed its own page. I was in a panic because I had no idea how to fix this. And there was not much I could do about it then because I wasn’t at home. I moved on to the next story and sort of noticed the same pattern. I was freaking out. It was too late to catch the bus at 1230 so I had to wait an hour for the next one. I decided to get something to eat and then write in my journal. Starbucks had their turkey stuffing sandwich, which I love, so I had that for breakfast/lunch.

Fixing this format error was killing me. I was hoping that saving the document as a txt and then loading it in a new doc would fix the problem. It worked. I then started playing with the next story to see if I can manipulate it to be not so spread out but it wouldn’t work. I would have to do the same thing and by that time, I was so stressed out, I said forget it and will save it for another day. I am not sure I can fix it because it’s a new paragraph and there is just an inch of space on the preceding page so it might not be that big of a deal, even though it bothers me. I don’t know if the rest of the book is like this or not. I hope not because it will totally fucking suck to save this as a txt and then transform it to a document, play with the fonts and add paragraphs (txt takes them away) and then paste it in the main file. I have over 70 pages to do this with and it will be such a pain in the ass to do.

Before I came home to this editing bullshit, I went and dropped my prescription at the pharmacy. To my surprise, they didn’t go ballistic on the prescription and it’s ready to be picked up! Score! I might pick it up in a little while as I am totally out of it. I might just put on my jogging pants rather than jeans because I really don’t want to change but I can’t go in my PJs. I also emptied my recycling bins today so I call it a win.

a day of sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I woke up about an hour ago and now I want to go back to sleep. My mother will be making hot dogs and beans for dinner soon. I guess it will be good to eat something other than cake. I had three slices of the Nantucket Cranberry cake I made yesterday. It is so good. I really like it. I made myself a cup of tea to try and keep myself awake but I don’t think it is going to work. I can drink several cups of tea and then go right to sleep. But the caffeine might be enough to get me through dinner.

I woke up around 6 in severe pain to start my day. I don’t know how but my feet were not under the blankets and were really cold. It hurt moving my legs because my back was so sore. I was in an awkward position, which is probably why my back was hurting. I reluctantly took two pain pills. I am running low and will run out by the end of the week. Question is, which pain pill will I run out first. I have 4 strong pain pills and 10 regular pain pills. I think my regular pills will run out sooner. I am so sad that this is going to happen and there is nothing I can do about it, other than ration my pills. If I am in any pain for the rest of the day, I will have to take the strong pain pills. I think that with some Ativan will help ease my pain. Last night I went into PTSD mode because I started getting pain down my left leg. I was so freaking out. Back pain radiating down my leg always freaks me out. Luckily the Ativan worked and I went to sleep without incident.

I wanted to watch the baseball game tonight but I am way too tired. I still need to wash my hair because I put gel in it last night and it’s making my head itch. I don’t know if that will be done today. I am so damn sleepy. And it’s not like I have been piling on the medications either. I haven’t taken anything since early this morning. I guess all my activities from yesterday are coming out today, making me really tired. I never had dinner as my mother called and I was feeling kind of full of cake. I also didn’t feel like having hot dogs. I’m not that hungry today so I think I will take my meds soon and call it a day. It’s raining out now.

Completely Out of Spoons

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Completely out of spoons

My groceries came and by the time I put everything away, including going to the basement for the frozen items, I was wiped out. In fact, I am pretty sure I am in the negative for my spoon count. I had a choice to make, shower or make dinner and actually eat it. I chose a shower followed by an Ensure. It’s not a meal but it’s something. I hope it will hold me off till tomorrow morning. I am so tired. I feel completely exhausted and I hope I get some sleep.

My ankle is starting to hurt so I know I did too much. I did order a car for tomorrow to see my therapist. It’s down the street rather than up the street so I think I can manage it. But it’s early in the morning and I am not a morning person. I set two alarms so I can make it. There is a chance I will wake up before it rings but just in case. Lately, I have been waking up before 0630.

Because I am not planning on baking, I have decided to donate the Boston coffee cake to the party I will be going to Saturday night. There is a chance I still might make one of the cakes Friday but just in case I don’t feel like it, I won’t show up empty handed. I was really looking forward to that coffee cake, too. I should have bought two.

I can’t believe how exhausted I am. I really didn’t do more than what I normally do and I had caffeine. I guess my stamina has taken a hit because I have been spending more time in the house than I normally do. But it’s so hard to get out when you are in pain most of the time or haven’t had a good sleep because of pain. I think I finally broke the pain cycle but the pain is still there, just not as severe as it was. I hope later tonight I am not in mind boggling pain. I never know when my pain will flare up. I could move my ankle a millimeter and that is all it takes to start it up. And this is after resting it for several hours.

I hate having to decide what activity to do. If I wasn’t so wiped out after getting my haircut and going to Starbucks, I probably would have had dinner and then shower. But tonight it was one or the other. I couldn’t have both, not after the groceries took every ounce of energy I had. I still didn’t put all of them away. I will save that for another day. Or my mother will put them away, like she normally does because I take too long. She doesn’t get it. She think she does or pretends to, but she really doesn’t. And she suffers from chronic back pain, you think she would understand.

I have been trying to take it easy on myself since changing my sheets the other day. My back still hasn’t fully recovered, which was probably why I am exhausted tonight. Today is the first time going out since I took out my back. I guess I wasn’t up to being myself but I had to go out. The four walls can only stare at me for so long before they get to me. I didn’t go out this weekend because the T is crap and they were diverting buses. I rather stay home than deal with that mess. Only time I went out was to get my prescriptions and corn chips at Walgreens. It bothers me that I am still limited in what I can and can’t do. But my body doesn’t tell me right away that doing these things is taking spoons away. Before you know it, I am in the negative and I am exhausted. I know part of it is I push myself without knowing it. Normally getting a haircut and going to Starbucks doesn’t wear me out. But throw in back pain just two days ago and wham, I am out of spoons real fast.

I find it hard to control my life when there are these invisible things that I can’t foresee. I know that getting groceries wore me out quicker because I had to go back and forth and all around the house to put them away. Then stand at the fridge to put them away. This takes energy and I forget that. It’s one thing to stand in front of the fridge because you are hungry; quite another when you are putting things away. And carrying a gallon of milk and juice isn’t a light load. It just adds to the strain of your back pain. No wonder I was really pooped by the end of the groceries and only had enough energy left to either shower and shave or cook and eat. I knew I had to wash my hair because there was no way I could sleep in my clean sheets with hair clippings on my head. And even if I could manage it, washing my hair in the sink would just put most strain on my back. So I showered. It’s not like missing a meal would harm me. I am not a malnourished person, anything but. I had an Ensure though because I was hungry. Those things come in handy when you need them.