Saturday Baking and other things

Saturday Baking and other things

I had left over cranberries from my cranberry cake and wanted to use them. I made muffins. It took me a fricken an hour to make. My back and ankle are not happy with me right now. I got a wave of the tireds when I started writing this and had to lie down. I thought I was going to sleep through the night so I set my timer for fifteen minutes so I wouldn’t fall into a deep sleep as I had to do the clean up. Fifteen minutes rolled around and I didn’t want to get up, just like I knew I wouldn’t. I forced myself up and went back to the kitchen where my mother was making dinner. She cleared some dishes by putting them in the dishwasher and left me basically all the cooking stuff that I had used. I washed them and got injured. The food processing blade got my finger. I forgot how sharp that sucker is. Then I had dinner. After dinner, I had to try a muffin and they came out good. I ate about three of them. They weren’t that big as I thought they would be. The Neurontin has given me hungry horrors today so I have been eating like mad.

After dinner, I just goofed off on Facebook. Found an article that stated the CDC basically lied about the opioid controversy in their studies by excluding studies that should have been included, according to the authors of the study I read. It was all over my head so I read what I could then went back to looking at videos and pics and memes. God, does Facebook have memes. I hate memes. Some of them are funny but after you seen them once, they lose interest when you see the same pics a thousand times, but with different sayings. I just don’t get the appeal. And my biggest peeve is when they say the quote as their status and then show the damn meme with the quote! WTF. Be original for crying out loud. Twitter does the same thing. Makes me want to take a cyber holiday.

Ohio and Nebraska didn’t have football games this week. I don’t think the season is done because other teams are still playing but I think it’s coming down to the wire who is going to play who in the bowls. There hasn’t been an official schedule yet but I hope it’s soon.

Other than baking, that is all I have done today. It was enough because I am totally wiped out. My ankle and foot are having a battle right now as to who is going to hurt more. I think ankle is going to win. But it doesn’t matter because I have meds. So take that!

I’m still thinking about going into the hospital. As annoying as it will be with med schedules and groups and dealing with potential idiot doctors/social workers, it would be nice not have to worry about whether I will OD every single night. Last night I came very close to taking more meds than I should. I don’t even know what set me off, though it doesn’t take much to set me off these days. A flare up, bad words with my mother, no cream for my coffee. Little things that normally won’t piss me off will suddenly push me off the edge. Maybe I need the safety to be watched and have check ins with people who may or may not give a shit about you. The only thing that will be a bitch is not having my pain medication at my disposal. I might not exactly wait six hours for my next dose but the hospital will, to the exact next minute I am supposed to take it. I can’t take it a minute earlier. The med computer system won’t even dispense the drug unless it’s within the time frame for the next dose. Sucks.

My aunt died this morning. She had been battling breast cancer for numerous years. She had one breast remove and then was in remission for a long time when it came back probably like ten years or so. It spread and she had been going for chemo and radiation, the works. Now she doesn’t have to fight anymore. She was a nice woman but god help you if you got on her bad side. My sister said that she and my father are probably talking up a storm, that is if she let you get a word in edge wise. She was a talker. She will be missed.

possible admission

Possible admission

My psych called me after my last blog post. I was too drugged up to write what she said so I will write it now. She would like me to consider admission to her hospital where they have a med/psych unit. I told her let’s see how today’s appointments go. I packed a bag just in case. I have been up since 0330. I just finished taking a shower and ready to take a nap.

I have never been to this floor so I don’t know what to expect. I could be there a few days to a couple weeks. I just don’t know what the doctors are like or the nursing staff. I won’t carry my bags to the hospital, but I will leave them where my sister can get them to bring to me. It was easy packing as I really didn’t unpack since my last admission in May.

The shower wore me out. I feel like a ton of bricks have fallen on me. I had to shower because below my fat belly was a scratch that has become annoyingly irritated. I had a bandage on it and the adhesive irritated me more than the scratch. I had to shower to remove it before I caused more scratches. My skin is very sensitive and doesn’t take long for me to remove skin while scratching.

I hope this won’t be my last blog post for a while. I hope to have use of my phone while in the hospital. But if I don’t, I guess I won’t be blogging. I will write later if I can.

Jupiter is a funny planet

Been struggling with voices most of my life and think now I am going finally whacko. I just can’t seem to break out of the psychosis and firmly believe that if I cut my leg open, my problems will be solved. It is curious that I miss one dose of my med, that little pink pill that holds the key to my sanity and all hell breaks lose. I can’t fricken sleep because my head is a jumble.
I have been watching the show ‘perception’ on TNT and can’t help but think that is me. I don’t see things but I just hear the same voice and when I’m in a psychotic state that voice becomes another person, another tone, another character all its own. No this is no altering of egos, least I don’t think so only because I interact with them on a regular basis that truly is what I hear. I can have a conversation all on its own merit based on whatever. Sometimes it is intellectual, like the show portrays, sometimes it is just the criticism of what I am doing. Constant hounding of not making my eggs “right” or walking the wrong way to get somewhere, to why am I taking this bus versus that bus, all the fricken time. Even while I was walking in my own home town did I get this criticism. I can’t go anywhere without these voices hounding me. It is maddening but yet if the meds work too well and I don’t hear them, I feel lonely without them. They are my invisible friends…I know it sounds pathetic but it is true, though when they tell me to cut, they are not my friends and usually that lands me in the hospital which I don’t like. I hate going in the hospital but sometimes I need to be there because only there do the voices let me be and I can trust that the meds I am given will make these bad voices go away.