Tag: back pain

therapy, groceries, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Therapy Groceries and other things

I had therapy today. We talked in depth about my suicidality. She reiterated that she cares for me and I could tell by her voice she wasn’t shitting me. I think she got all choked up when she thought she would have to inform my psychiatrist that I was gone. I would leave it up to the authorities to do that job. I am meeting with her in person tomorrow. I just got paid and after all is said and done, I am broke again.

She did most of the talking because her anxiety was up. We talked about my plan and she did talk me out of it. I told her I would get rid of the pills, but I am not going to. She might take the gun away (the plan) but I am keeping the bullets. Besides, there is no way I can walk to my destination so I need another one. Crisis averted. I feel like an asshole now.

After therapy, I had some of the left over Chinese food that I ordered. And then I left for the Square for Starbucks and a haircut. I was going to grow my hair out but I don’t have the patience. I am going to try and grow out the top a little bit so I can style it better. I am glad I have a good barber that I like and makes me feel comfortable. It’s easy talking to him about things.

I came home and I was exhausted. I didn’t think I would be able to stand putting my groceries away when they came. I don’t know how I managed but I did, but I had to take sitting breaks in between. I also had to take some stuff to the basement freezer as ours was just too crammed with stuff. I knew I would as I did order a lot of frozen items. And I found my sauce while I was down there! I was so happy. I thought my sister had swiped it from me. I will take that out Sunday and have it then or Monday, depending on how much thaws out.

I was going to make my pumpkin cake and a cranberry cake. Now, the way I feel, it is not happening. I bought a Boston coffee cake and I will take that to the party on Saturday. I need to rest because tomorrow I will be seeing my therapist so that needs a lot of spoons and frankly, just getting up uses quite a few and that doesn’t even include washing up and brushing my teeth. Some days it takes all I have to go to the bathroom. I try to do all the downstairs activities while I am there but lately, I just want to crawl back to bed and stay there for an eternity. If I do manage to go out, washing up and brushing my teeth doesn’t happen.

I haven’t had dinner yet. I have a burger that must be cooked or it will be wasted. But I am too tired to cook right now. I hope I have some energy Friday so maybe I can at least make the cranberry cake. I have been dying to make it for a week now. Only thing that I need to do tonight, other than eating, is taking a shower to wash my hair out. If I don’t have energy for the shower, I might use the kitchen sink. It will all depend on how I feel.

annoying therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Annoying therapy session

I woke up a few times during the night. It wasn’t due to pain, just restlessness I guess. I finally gave up around 0830. My check had come in by then so I paid some bills and ordered my groceries. I then set my alarm for therapy and went back to sleep.

I wish I slept through therapy. It’s was like my appointment with my psychiatrist, all talk about damn pain medication and how I should take it and so forth. It was pissing me off. Then she just started rambling about my blog that sent her. I swear, I just wanted to go back to sleep. It would have been much more peaceful. She wanted to discuss me feeling tiny and insignificant but she had her own ideas about it so I just let her rattle on. She was in a talkative mood today.

I told her I wouldn’t come out to see her tomorrow. My back is still giving me grief and I know I am not going to be able to make it up the hill. I will see her next week. She said that was fine. I tried telling her to just cancel tomorrow’s appointment but she wouldn’t listen. I told her I still had a date for this week. Course, now with my back acting up, I don’t see how I am going to execute it. I just can’t walk to where I am going and the weather is colder than I had planned. I feel defeated and I haven’t even tried. I am such a loser.

Post 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Post 2018

I somehow managed to change my sheets and take out my back at the same time. And then managed a shower. I am completely worn out. My comforter is damp so I have to put it back in the dryer. I hate when I let my mother do the washing and drying. She never puts the comforter in long enough. Drives me crazy.

I have been texting my therapist most of the afternoon. I don’t think I will be able to see her tomorrow like I had planned. There is no way I can go up the hill to the car with my back being sore. I need a day to rest it. So I will plan on going out on Wednesday.

I have been playing with my grocery order. My mother needs milk and juice but she doesn’t like the juice I buy. So I had to get another brand. I wasn’t going to get coffee cake but changed my mind because I won’t have cake until the weekend and that is too far away. I will take some to Starbucks with me to have while drinking my espresso. No matter how I tried to get it below $200, I just couldn’t manage it. I am buying stuff that I need and those items are expensive, like steak and fish. I also got my favorite pizza so I don’t have to order out. It’s like $4 compared to the pizza place’s $11.

I am feeling depressed over my back being out. It’s hard for me to stand for long periods of time and changing my sheets just killed me. It’s not like I could sit down and put the sheets on. Didn’t help that the fitted sheet gave me so much trouble. I must have struggled with it at least four times as I kept on getting the wrong corner and then that corner would pop off while putting on another corner. So frustrating. Last time I changed my sheets, it took me no time at all to put on the fitted sheet. Now the trick is to keep my bed clear so that when I have to change my sheets again, it won’t be such a project. I think I am just going to keep my laptop and journal on my bed. And of course, my tissues. Those are the essentials.

I got a gift from a dear friend of mine today that cheered me up some. She sent me a mechanical Brutus doll. Brutus is the mascot for the Ohio State Buckeyes, my favorite college football team. It was so nice of her to send him to me. I have him in my office on my desk.

I think tonight is going to be an early night for me. I am in pain and I just want to lie down. But I can’t go to sleep until my comforter is dry. I hope it will be ready in the next hour or so. I plan to take my meds then and hopefully be asleep by 2200. I just hope I don’t wake up at 0630 again. That sucks.

Train delays and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Train Delays and other things

I got up early, like 0630 early and couldn’t go back to sleep. Pain woke me up and I just decided to start the day as I was hungry and needed to get my disability T-pass renewed. I made breakfast and then caught the bus to the Square to get my espresso. I made it perfectly and went on my way.

I didn’t know what time the office was open to renew my pass so I rode the train until after 0930 had passed. I got to JFK/UMass station and the train got delayed. There was a fire on the tracks at the next stop and the Boston Fire Department stopped trains from passing by that station. I must have waited at least a half hour for things to clear. Then when we got to another station, we were held up again. Unreal. I was regretting my decision to ride the train and should have just got off at Downtown Crossing when I had the chance.

I finally made it to the station and got my pass renewed but they didn’t give me a card. They gave me a temporary pass, which I had to put money on. WTF. I just put money on my card now I had to put more money on this temporary pass. I was pissed. I put $7 on the pass ticket. I was going to vote early but it’s going to eat up money so I am not going to go. I will wait for my pass to come in because it has more money on it. I have until the 4th to vote. I hope the new card comes by then. It’s supposed to take 7-10 days to come.

I made it home and made fish and chips for lunch. I haven’t had it in a while. I started planning out my grocery order for next week. I am going to try not to spend as much as I did last month. Course, I always say that and it never works out. I cleared off some shit on my bed today. I can finally see my comforter. Just a few more things to clear off and then I can change my sheets. I wish this wasn’t a project every time I want to change the bedding. Every time I change my bedding I tell myself not to put stuff on top of my bed but it never works. I guess that is why I am still alive. I can’t keep promises to myself.

Pain has crept up. I had to take two pain pills because it’s above an 8 right now. I think I did too much while getting to where I needed to go today. I stood on the train until a seat became available and I think that is what did me in. Plus, they were doing construction near my bus stop so I got off on the stop before mine. That meant walking a little more than I should have. I had my brace on but my foot was already flared up by then.

When I came home, I was hot so had the AC on even though it was barely 60 degrees out. I waited until I was cold before turning it off. Now I am really cold and want to wear a sweatshirt. I think I am going to take a nap. My mother is going to reheat some chicken soup that is more than a week old for supper. Think I will pass and make a grilled cheese or something.