Tag: back pain

Train delays and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Train Delays and other things

I got up early, like 0630 early and couldn’t go back to sleep. Pain woke me up and I just decided to start the day as I was hungry and needed to get my disability T-pass renewed. I made breakfast and then caught the bus to the Square to get my espresso. I made it perfectly and went on my way.

I didn’t know what time the office was open to renew my pass so I rode the train until after 0930 had passed. I got to JFK/UMass station and the train got delayed. There was a fire on the tracks at the next stop and the Boston Fire Department stopped trains from passing by that station. I must have waited at least a half hour for things to clear. Then when we got to another station, we were held up again. Unreal. I was regretting my decision to ride the train and should have just got off at Downtown Crossing when I had the chance.

I finally made it to the station and got my pass renewed but they didn’t give me a card. They gave me a temporary pass, which I had to put money on. WTF. I just put money on my card now I had to put more money on this temporary pass. I was pissed. I put $7 on the pass ticket. I was going to vote early but it’s going to eat up money so I am not going to go. I will wait for my pass to come in because it has more money on it. I have until the 4th to vote. I hope the new card comes by then. It’s supposed to take 7-10 days to come.

I made it home and made fish and chips for lunch. I haven’t had it in a while. I started planning out my grocery order for next week. I am going to try not to spend as much as I did last month. Course, I always say that and it never works out. I cleared off some shit on my bed today. I can finally see my comforter. Just a few more things to clear off and then I can change my sheets. I wish this wasn’t a project every time I want to change the bedding. Every time I change my bedding I tell myself not to put stuff on top of my bed but it never works. I guess that is why I am still alive. I can’t keep promises to myself.

Pain has crept up. I had to take two pain pills because it’s above an 8 right now. I think I did too much while getting to where I needed to go today. I stood on the train until a seat became available and I think that is what did me in. Plus, they were doing construction near my bus stop so I got off on the stop before mine. That meant walking a little more than I should have. I had my brace on but my foot was already flared up by then.

When I came home, I was hot so had the AC on even though it was barely 60 degrees out. I waited until I was cold before turning it off. Now I am really cold and want to wear a sweatshirt. I think I am going to take a nap. My mother is going to reheat some chicken soup that is more than a week old for supper. Think I will pass and make a grilled cheese or something.

Tommy Copper Time

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

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Tommy Copper Time

My ankle was swollen and I couldn’t find my ace bandage slip-on so I put on the Tommie Copper compression thing. I hope it helps because the pain is still there despite taking all the meds I took. I spent $40 on the thing so I hope it does help the pain and swelling. This is how desperate I have become.

I was going to sleep but I am in pain and I got the damn writing itch so I apologize for all these blogs. I like to write when I am able to because I really can’t sleep unless I get the words out. It’s not that I have a lot to say it’s just that I feel the need to write.

While I was talking with my therapist today, we discussed the picture I am going to place on my new book. It’s one that I chose that is close to 20 years ago. It was take around 24 hours after my niece was born. I helped deliver her and basically cut her out of the pic and just had my mug shot. I really like the pic but having it as my profile pic on Twitter is annoying me so I need to change it to something else. I can’t stand looking at myself for too long. I just start noticing imperfections and then it just spoils the picture for me. My therapist likes the pic as she thinks I look cute. I told her it was an older pic and she said that I don’t age. I said I was about 80 pounds lighter in that photo. I also didn’t have facial hair because I was so “young”. I am not saying that I am old. I believe you are as young as you feel, regardless of your age. If you blog readers want to see my pic, just drop me a comment and I will post it in my next blog. But I must have at least 5 people minimum that want to see it.

I have been resting my foot since I came up from the stairs in agony. Only time I have been on my feet was to check out a growth in the corner of my eye and to take my night meds. I need to see my eye doctor about the growth, though I am not sure what he can do about it. I am only concerned with it because it has grown over the last few weeks. I thought it was eye crud but it hasn’t gone away. Then it looked like a zit so I tried popping it but I can’t because it’s in a weird spot. I don’t think it is a zit, but it is something. UGH.

I am feeling a little better since my last post. I talked to a friend about how I am feeling and found out she has been feeling the same. We both suffer from Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES) though she is affected on her right side while I am affected on my left. Hers was lower than mine and she only had it once. I have had it twice. I hope her pain is nothing but muscle related pain. I know mine is because I can feel the tightness. If I could just stretch the damn hip I would be so much better but I just don’t have the flexibility I once had. It sucks. I would go to physical therapy but it’s a waste of time because they always give me the same exercises that I have been doing for years. I have been doing them but it doesn’t help so why go? I just need someone to massage the area that hurts and see if that helps it. Unfortunately, I can’t reach where it hurts so me rubbing it is not ideal. Sucks.

I plan on seeing my therapist next week and I think I will stop at McDonalds to have their Big Mac. I have been craving it for a while. I haven’t had McD’s in a long time because the one in the Square closed. I thought it was odd because they just renovated the place and the next week it was done. There is only one left in my town but it’s a hike to get to, least by public transportation anyway. I miss the grease, LOL.

I gave my therapist “homework” to do. It’s not really, but it is important. It’s my LTD paperwork that needs to be filled out by my provider. She will be giving it to me next week when I see her. She is going to have a rough draft filled out so I know what she is telling them. I am glad we can collaborate on this because it’s so important to me. I need the LTD payments to supplement my SSD otherwise I am screwed financially.

a depressing blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A depressing blog

***Warning may contain suicidal ideation so if you feel like you are a fucking hero, do not read. I am writing to vent my feelings not ACT on them.***

This morning when I woke up, my hip was in awful pain. I figured it was because of the way I slept and took a pain pill. Then I went back to sleep only to wake up a few hours later to my med alarm beeping. I had to take my blood pressure medication, which I didn’t take yesterday because I woke up too late. I couldn’t miss two days in a row so I got up gingerly. My hip and ankle fought me in protest. Happy Monday to me.

I have been in a dark mood. My mood is low, only made lower because a couple of friends of mine hit the guilt button today. I made a cake and they wanted some. Problem is they are on the Cape and I am not. How I was to get them my cake was the problem. So it got eaten and they got mad. I greedily had the cake for breakfast as I made my coffee. There is one slice left, which I will have for dessert or lunch. I haven’t decided. I don’t even care if I eat real food today. I am in a rotten mood.

One of my bloggers, who I love, commented on a password protected blog. I know she means well and all but it got me angry. I wasn’t angry at her, but myself. I have failed myself, some how some way and the only way to rectify this is to end my life. Then I was going through Twitter as I am sorting through this anger I am feeling, and lo and behold a psych article is published saying placebo pills help pain when the person knowingly knows this. WTF. You mean to tell me I need to take a sugar pill for my pain? Hold the phone. I will take the last week of my birth control pills (those are sugar pills) and see if they help the intractable pain that I feel every fucking night. Fucking idiots. I wish it was that fucking simple.

This study enraged me to no end. It’s just the fuel that the idiotic DEA and senators need to stop manufacturing life saving opioid medication to those in need. Here just take a sugar pill and you will be fine. I really don’t want to be around when that shit hits the fan. This further exasperates the idea that the pain is all in your head mentality. Even as we speak my ankle is throbbing pretty darn good. It must be in my head that is making it that way after all this time. After all, there is nothing structurally wrong with my ankle. It’s picture perfect, minus a little swelling here or there. And I need to live for this bullshit? For what? Why must I endure more pain and agony every day/night? I will try the sugar pill experiment and let you know how it goes, though.

My mother called a little while ago. She wanted to know if I was going out. No, I am not going out. Why she asked. I didn’t have the time or patience to tell her that I am in a rotten mood and that my colon might explode after all the stuff I had to take to go to the bathroom. That I felt like killing myself and that I just want to be left alone. That my ankle and hip were competing in pain and they haven’t decided which one was going to win today. So I just said because I am not going out in my irritated voice. She got off the phone.

And now the tears have started for whatever reason. I just feel so damn rotten. I know the grief of my father is in there somewhere. I woke up with him on my mind this morning. I still find it strange that I haven’t heard from him and then I realize why and it hurts. Doesn’t help that I painfully went through my April blogs documenting his death as well as my horrible depression that I am still in. I might not have the physical symptoms of depression anymore but I still have the mental. I don’t think I am ever going to recover from this episode. It has gone on for far too long. Just another nail in my coffin.

I had texted my therapist at noon asking for a session if it was possible. I got no response so I just texted her saying forget it, I will just deal with her tomorrow. I get to see her in person and give her my cake that I made over the weekend. I will be getting a Zipcar to see her. This will make the third week in a row that I have seen her on a Tuesday. I just hope my hip is better by tomorrow and I can walk without pain. It will suck if I have to cancel the reservation. I have decided to have her fill out the paperwork for my LTD as one of my diagnoses for disability is depression. It says physician to be filled out but she is one of my attending clinicians so if they don’t like it too damn bad. My physician doesn’t know me from Adam and I can’t let her fuck this up. It’s too important.

I really wish you could just end your life by wishing for death. It would be so much easier than having to plan your death out, make suicide notes to try and comfort those left behind. To answer the “why” you leave behind. I wish I didn’t cause people pain when I leave but I must leave. I can’t go on suffering mentally and physically anymore. It’s too exhausting. It’s not today or tomorrow. It will be within a month or so, unless the sugar pills help me.

Baking Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

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Baking Saturday

I had an awful night of sleeping and before I finally passed out, I emailed my psychiatrist. I basically told her I was finished, washed up and that I had picked out a date. I also told her not to expect me at some future appointment. I then explained how my pain had gotten to the point where I was taking two pain medications and winging it on my own as my PCP’s office didn’t care. I was expecting a phone call in the morning, which I never got. I don’t know if she reads her emails on Saturdays.

When I finally woke up, it was really early afternoon. I felt better and had a little energy. I made breakfast and coffee. It was close to the Nebraska football game time by the time I finished my coffee so I decided to bake. The picture is the finished product of my cake. I can’t wait to taste it. It is cooling off now. It has to refrigerate for at least two hours. Luckily, I found space in my fridge for it.

I also made dinner for my mother and I. It was just a pre-made chicken pot pie that needed to be heated up. Afterwards, I did all the dishes and pans. I am tired and my ankle is thanking me for it. I left the Nebraska game at half time. They were leading 17-8. I am listening to my new Pearl Jam CD Lost Dogs. It’s pretty good. It was the only CD that I didn’t own. My coloring book came today but the crayons don’t come until tomorrow. Go figure. I am going to give adult coloring a try and see if I can “relax” when I am bored or my pain is out of control.