Tag: bipolar disorder

in a pissy mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

In a pissy mood

I woke up around 0630 in severe pain. I went to the bathroom and my foot exploded. I wasn’t going to the hospital and emailed my psych. I have been using my phone and my net was working. Then I went on my laptop and it wasn’t. I had upgraded my services on Friday to lower my bill and while it is “pending”, I don’t have services. This was not explained to me and I was bullshit. Now I have to use my hotspot to use my laptop. I don’t need it for word but I do need it for my browsers. I am so aggravated.

Despite taking my pain meds, the pain has not gone down. It’s really hot out and muggy. I wanted a bowl of cereal for breakfast using my almond milk but it was frozen solid, again. I decided to use regular milk. I am tossing the almond milk because it’s been frozen and thawed a couple of times now. I don’t understand why as it’s the only thing that freezes in my fridge. It wasn’t even in the back of the fridge so I am at a loss.

I had hot dogs for lunch. And then I have been on the phone and net with Verizon to get my services back, or try to. A tech is coming out tomorrow so I need to clear the area around my desk. Not going to be fun. I have no idea where to put the things in front of my desk. I will have to disconnect my printer and put it somewhere. But the big box I have for my clothes, I don’t know where to put that or the clothes.

I took a heavy dose of Neurontin this morning to try and sleep. Some knucklehead called me around 0945 and woke me from my slumber and I have been up since. I am feeling weighed down and my back is hurting for some reason. I just want to sleep, not mess around my room.

I shaved the sides and back of my head, which gave me razor burn. I am not liking that too much. My niece helped straighten out the back as it was uneven. As she was doing it, I decided to tell her I was trans. She accepted me and it didn’t really come as a shock to her. She just wants me to be happy. It made me feel really good. She is the oldest niece and the first one I have some out to. I am slowly telling family members one by one.

Last week when I was in Walgreens, I saw a compression sleeve for my ankle that I wanted to try for my bad foot and Achilles. It was $13 and I just put it on. It’s really tight, tighter than the Tommie Copper brace that I have. I hope it helps. I am going to switch the sleeve tomorrow when I go out so my Achilles will be supported. I only got one because I wanted to try it first rather than buying two.

I might need some retail therapy today because I am in such a bad mood with all the stupid internet interruption.

Wicked hot Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Wicked hot Sunday

The temps are in the 90s and I am miserable. I briefly went to a family event, where I was driving and it took all the energy out of me because I was stuck in traffic. The family event was near a popular beach so I knew there would be traffic, which is why I got the zipcar longer than I originally planned. I made it home with 45 minutes to spare once I hit the main road. I had a good time, the few hours I spent at my cousin’s. But my pain levels shot up and I had to leave. It was much too hot for me to be in the heat. Even while I was in the AC’d car, my neuropathy flared. That was fun.

I totally miscalculated my pain meds and if I don’t have my script ready tomorrow, I will run out come Tuesday. The script is for 28 days and it always messes me up by a few days. I don’t know why they just can’t give you a 30 day supply of meds. But I don’t make the rules. I have to abide by them. I think the heat wave should be over by Tuesday but it could be another 80 degree or more day. I am glad I had my brother in law put in the AC when he did or I would be dead. The nerve injury makes me totally intolerant of heat and it’s gotten worse every year. I mostly stay in my room because it’s the only room with AC. The rest of the house is hot and I just can’t deal.

The game is on late today, which sucks. Last night, I didn’t think I was going to make it. It was more than 4 hours and they just went 9 innings. Detroit pitching was so damn slow. We still won though, 11-3. I had a hard time falling asleep after the game. I wasn’t in too much pain until I laid down. Then my foot went berserk and the suicidal urges came back. I had a relatively low pain weekend, so I was thinking I didn’t need to go to the hospital tomorrow. Now I am rethinking those thoughts. I had emailed my psych about it. I always have a hard time coming to the decision to go in because I know my meds get screwed up more than how I am treated. Other than keeping me from acting on my urges, I don’t see a benefit to the aggravation of a med screw up.

I don’t have therapy this week because I cancelled. After last week’s session, I just couldn’t handle another week of him not being there for me. I just feel unsupported by him, something that I never thought I would say about a therapist. In all the years I have been going to therapy, this is the most unsupported I have felt. In many ways, I’d like my old therapist back. Least I knew she cared.

I took my night meds early because I am wicked tired. I don’t think I will be staying up to hear about the game. I want to go to bed early. The game usually winds me up and I find it hard to sleep afterwards, especially as I know they will be playing well past 2300. Much too late as I run the risk of being up all night. I get my second wind and it’s all down hill after that.

Saturday Blog 84

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Saturday Blog 84

I woke up around 10 because my bladder said to. I wasn’t able to go back to sleep so I made coffee. After my coffee, I went to Walgreens to pick up my script. It was really hot out but not humid. As I was trying to find my dark chocolate, I came across an ankle compression sleeve that supposedly helps your heel. I hope it will help my Achilles. It was $13 so I bought it. I will use it the next time I go out or when my Achilles flares up around the house.

I had no problems walking, which was good. I never know if my ankle is going to go berserk on me or not. I didn’t wear my AFO brace. I thought about going to the square but I had my burger fix last night. I am just going to lay low today and maybe read Huck Finn as I haven’t touched it in more than a month now. I am half way through reading it. I am getting behind my reading because my pain is so bad I don’t feel like cracking open a book.

I joined a CRPS group on Facebook. It is mostly people in the UK but I haven’t been able to get accepted in any US based groups. I requested to join and haven’t had a response. It’s been good joining this group as people have been responsive to my posts and seem more accepting than the other group I was in. I left it because there were people against my use of opioids for my treatment of pain. They are under the idiotic impression that it’s just an addicting drug and shouldn’t be used at all, only for short term use. It’s bullshit as I would be dead without my meds. The pain is not relieved by any other drug that I have tried.

Today is Boston Pride day and there is a huge parade in Boston. I don’t go because I don’t like crowds. They give me anxiety. So on Twitter, I talked about coming out as trans. I wrote a little story about it using the hashtag Pride2017. I got one like and that was for my post on my memoir. I don’t care. If people read my story, hope it can help others struggling with coming out. I will write a longer blog about it later today. I want to talk about it because it is freeing and lifts my burden. Eventually I will come out to my mother. I am getting close to getting the courage to tell her. I know she isn’t going to accept me for being a man. That is the only thing keeping me from telling her because I fear her rejection of me. It’s bad enough she doesn’t like my haircuts and the clothes I wear.

My new watch came in yesterday and today for some reason, I feel naked without it on. I usually don’t wear it in the house because I have my phone to tell me the time and date. Guess I am just excited that I have a new watch. Tomorrow I think I might go to my little cousin’s graduation party. It’s going to be a long day for me so I am not sure I can handle it. I feel like using a zipcar just so I can have my own transportation home if I need to leave. I can only handle the family events for so long before I get bored and my ankle acts up. My cousin’s house is by the beach. I think the weather is going to be similar today but a few degrees cooler. It will be perfect beach weather. I am not a beach person but I do like to stick my feet in the water. I just hope my pain is manageable tomorrow or it’s going to be difficult for me to go. We’ll see though.

TG issues 9

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, transgender

TG Issues 9

I have been meaning all week to go to the LGBTQ health center website for information about transitioning. It seems fairly straight forward, but I need a physical. So I call my PCP’s office to schedule one and they changed my existing upcoming appointment with my provider to a physical, in Oct! UGH. Four months I have to wait. I knew it would take time and maybe by then I will change my name.

Other than seeking out information, I did nothing else today. I tried to make a bacon sandwich but the bacon was just fatty with hardly any meat. I threw some of it away because I wasn’t going to eat it. I made the little pieces of meat and had it with toast. I told my mother I wanted penne pasta with gravy so I took a container out of the freezer so we can have it tonight.

While my mother was out, I shave the sides and back of my head till it was smooth as a baby’s behind. It looks kind of weird but I love it. I think the back is a little uneven but there is nothing I can do about it. I might ask my sister to straighten it out. It will grow back even though. It always does.

I was in pain and since I am low on my regular pain meds, I have been using Neurontin. I fell asleep again, hard like I did yesterday. I only woke up because my mother was calling and I had to use the bathroom. I had a shit load of messages on my phone. I have never seen the message bar all lit up before. My watch came in, which I was happy about. The rest of the messages were stupid. I read them while I was in the bathroom. My meds are ready to be picked up. I’ll go tomorrow as I am not feeling like going. Maybe I can get some dark chocolate while I am there.

A friend of mine in England wrote me a private message on FB. She wanted to know that she supports my decision for transitioning and she doesn’t care as I am an amazing person to her. It was a nice message. I haven’t responded because I am kind of overwhelmed with all that she wrote. It’s hard for me to take compliments and have them sink in. I still think I am a piece of shit so it’s really hard for me to hear that I am not and that I mean something to someone that isn’t a family member. I was glad she was so supportive. It means a lot to me because I come from such a judgmental family.

I hope my mother is cooking because I am starving. The Neurontin is making me really hungry. I have eaten more than one meal today, which is good. I am trying to pace myself but I can’t control the hunger cravings. It’s a good thing I don’t have the things I want to have because I would be eating all day. I am going to go to the Square tomorrow to buy burgers. I was going to go to a place but I figure for the price of a burger, I can get a six/seven pack and rolls.

Dinner was good. I had two bowls of pasta. I couldn’t help myself. It was so good. My ankle is hurting me. Earlier in the day as I was going up the stairs, my bad foot misjudged the step and kicked it instead of stepping on it. The bottom of my foot is still smarting and my ankle is loving it. I had to take one of my regular pain meds for it.

It’s hot today so I have had the AC running for a little while. I got cold and shut it off. Then it got hot again so it’s back on. I’ll probably keep it on during the night, unless the temp drops and it’s too cold to have it on. You never know with New England how it’s going to be in the night.