Tag: bipolar disorder

year anniversary of the death of my father

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, grief, mood disorders

It’s been a year since my father passed away. All day I have been thinking about him and the events that went on that day. I feel really sad.

My therapist wanted me to do something nice for myself so I went to Starbucks and ordered my favorite latte and a breakfast sandwich. I tried writing in my journal but nothing was coming to me. I left to go to my PCP’s office to pick up my prescription. Walking there was okay. Then walking back to the train station, my right ankle started bothering me. I felt like going up to the ankle service as I was at MGH to make an appointment with the chief of the service but I didn’t. I just wanted to go home.

I had a half hour before the next bus and didn’t want to wait so I took a cab to walgreens. I left my prescription and said I would be back in an hour. I came home and felt really shitty. Both ankles were bothering me and I couldn’t stand it. I hobbled up the stairs, got the mail. I had to use the bathroom and then I went up to my room. I took three pain meds and 800 mg of ibuprofen. I am in serious pain. It started raining.

I had to call my psychiatrist so I did. I waited for her to call back. We talked for a bit. I told her I would call the ankle service to set up an appointment. I had to get on the computer to get the chief’s name as I couldn’t remember it. I called and even though I specified that I wanted the appointment with the chief, the secretary gave me the appointment with his PA. Asshole. It’s in a few weeks.

I just got notification that my prescriptions are ready. I need a nap. I will probably pick them up later after dinner. I am so tired. Being in chronic pain just takes so much out of you. I feel like a weakling because I just don’t have the stamina I once had to do things. It really depresses me that things I was able to do, I can’t do anymore. It’s very frustrating. I need a nap and then I am more tired than I was before the nap. It’s also frustrating because they are working on the damn house in the street over and they are so damn noisy. They are rebuilding the whole damn thing, it sounds like. Every day there is hammering and sawing. So hard to rest when you hear the noise.

I have been having intrusive memories most of the day. I keep remembering stuff that happened this day last year with the death of my father. I don’t know if I will ever get over his loss. There are so many mixed feelings I have for my father and none of it is good. He was an asshole and a miserable person who only thought of himself. He was vain and loved to stare at pictures of himself. He always had to dress in a shirt and dress pants. He never owned sweatpants or jeans. He always called me fat and ugly. No one contradicted him so I believed him. I still do and probably always will.

a real exhausting day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A real exhausting day

I didn’t go to sleep till around 4ish and then woke up around 8. I went to the bathroom and then I went back to sleep after I took my blood pressure pill. I slept for the next few hours and did not want to leave my bed at all. I needed to shower so I did that. I came back to my room and I was exhausted. It was around 1300 and I needed to leave the house in an hour. I thought about canceling therapy but it was too late for that. I fiddled with my computer and then got dressed.

I went to Starbucks and had something to eat with my espresso. I really didn’t want to do anything. I tried writing and didn’t get too far. I didn’t want to work on my blog project. I just wanted therapy hour to hurry up so I could go home and sleep.

Therapy came and we mostly talked about my father. I didn’t feel better talking about him. It was old news. The therapist was pissing me off because he was picking at his nails or cleaning them, I am not sure which but it was annoying. Towards the end of session, he wanted me to do something nice for myself tomorrow on my father’s anniversary. I said the only nice thing I do is buy myself a cup of coffee at Starbucks. That is usually a treat for me. Gets me out of the house for a little while. So he said that was doable. Then he said our time was over and I left.

I caught the train I usually miss so I was able to catch the bus home earlier than I usually do. I was going to get a burrito but I will get it tomorrow when I am out, if I do go out. Everything is up in the air at this point. I am really tired and just want to take my night meds and crash. I had some motivation to work on my blog project on the way home but that went out the window soon as I came to my room. I was hot and sweaty because I wore my winter coat and it wasn’t that cold out today. My ankle is starting to flare so I am not going to eat anything but pain meds right now.

My PCP’s office called me. My prescription is ready for pick up so I will go into town tomorrow to get it. I only have 4 pills left. I will go to Walgreens afterwards to get it filled. Guess I won’t be changing my sheets tomorrow like I had planned. My cousin just texted me and now I feel all depressed because instead of enjoying her retirement, she is taking care of my aunt full-time. I am happy that she is but I know how stressful it can be. Caretaking is so difficult.

good night out with friends

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Good night out with friends

I went out to see my friends south of Boston. We went to the Texas Roadhouse to satisfy my craving for onion blossom and fried pickles. It was really good. We had a good time. My friend’s husband picked me up from the station and I pretty much stayed with him the whole time we were out. It was good talking to him. We exchanged stories of our past times and where we went as a kid and as an adult. He drove me home so I wouldn’t have to take the T. I thought that was nice of him. I told him to call me when he gets home so I know he got home okay.

We fed some ducks and geese but there were a lot of bugs flying around so we didn’t stay too long. My friend drove around the water front and was showing me parts of this and that. I liked being around the water. It was calming. We went to his house so he could have some coffee before taking me home.

When I got to his house, I had to take some pain meds. I had gone most of the day without taking them and was due. Then when I came home, my pain shot up. I thought it was because I was in my AFO too long but it wasn’t. My ankle had swelled up so it’s painful because of that. I made sure to not sit or stand too long while I was out. I guess it didn’t matter. Now I hope I can get to sleep without being up all night because I have therapy tomorrow.

The weather was beautiful out today. I dressed too warmly so was hot most of the time I was out with my friends. I brought a jacket with me but I didn’t need it. I used my new Bluetooth headphones. The first song I played was staticky but then played normally. Then when I got to the station, it became really bad again, cutting out and not playing. I shut it off, waited a few minutes and then turned it back on again. That seemed to clear the problem. I don’t know why I have this problem with Bluetooth devices. I don’t know if it’s the device or my MP3 player app. I might need to find another MP3 player app. My friend is a good tech person so I will ask him. He might know of one.

I like the new Bluetooth that I have but I have to remember to charge it after I use it because it has only an 8 hour battery life of playing. I tried to find out what the stand-by time was and couldn’t find it. Least it charges fairly quickly so I am not waiting forever like I was with my other headphone set.

I just turned off my big light and my ankle screamed bloody murder. Strong pain pill time. I didn’t even wait to consider it like I usually do because sometimes it quiets down on its own. This time, I wasn’t waiting to find out because by the time I wait would be the time the pill would work. It’s been a couple hours since taking my regular pain meds so I can’t take anymore till after midnight. I hope I am not up that late, but I very well could be. SPSM chat is going on right now. I want to join but I always feel like a 3rd rate citizen when I say something. Someone always contradicts what I say or takes it out of context. It’s very rare that I feel comfortable during chat. I will follow along but I just won’t participate.

Sunday Mass

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Mass

My family went to the Sunday mass for my father’s remembrance. It was a quick mass and the priest said his name correctly. It was touching. Afterwards we went out for breakfast at my new favorite place down the street from where we live. It was good until I spilled juice on my niece. My hands were greasy and I didn’t have a good hold on the cup. I felt like an idiot.

My nephew had a hard time with things today. He was close to his grandfather. It’s hard on the kids more than my sisters. It’s such a huge void in their lives.

I am still feeling the grief of my father. I can’t believe he has been gone a year. It’s been a difficult year. I don’t know how I managed with just one hospitalization. I know there have been times this year that I needed to go in but I didn’t for one reason or another. I just don’t find them useful anymore. Sure, it’s a place to be safe at but they really don’t offer much in ways of coping with stress or dealing with your issues. Most times, they just check you in and then discharge you before you are ready to leave. I hate that and it usually leads to people being readmitted a few days later. The mental health system sucks.

This afternoon, I am going south of Boston to see my friends and go out to dinner. It’s not raining but it is cold. It should be a good time. I am really looking forward to it. I am in pain but I think if I rest now, I should be fine by the time I have to leave. I have to look at the bus schedules and see which one comes first. There are two buses that go to the station I need to go to. There are no buses to the Square today. I would have to get off at another square and walk up the street, which would suck and wear me out so I am not doing that. I do have to change trains but I am going to get off at Downtown Crossing, go to Starbucks, and then catch the red line. I need espresso today because I woke up so friggen early for mass and I never got up to make my coffee. I could make it now but Starbucks espresso would be better. I will only have two shots because it will be late in the afternoon and I don’t want to be up all night.

I filled my med box last night when I couldn’t sleep. I made sure to put my trilafon in. I forgot to put it in last week so I missed a couple days. I always forget because the pill bottle is by my bed not on my bureau where the other meds are. I have it close to me because I need to take a 1 PM dose. That is how I take it. It works well for me and I have no side effects that are noticeable.

I just went “shopping” on Amazon. This place is like crack to me. I spend so much money I should have stock in it. I rebought the things that got lost in the mail a few weeks ago for my friend and also some stuff for another friend in Australia. It’s going to be fun shipping that to him. There were only 4 left in stock so I bought 2 packages and then paid for it. I was going to wait until tomorrow when I got paid but I didn’t want to risk losing it as he really needs this item. It’s not available where he is. I am just happy to help him.