Tag: bipolar disorder

Pain is at it again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Pain is at it again

I was talking with a friend of mine late after my babysitting duties were over. I started to fall asleep on her so I told her goodnight. I started to drift off a bit soon as my head hit the pillow. My arm started feeling like spaghetti. My foot was throbbing like someone was beating it with a hammer. I wasn’t sleepy anymore. I took an Ativan for the spaghetti feeling. I had already taken my night time dose of pain meds so I can’t take another dose for at least two hours. Sitting up has already relieved some of the pain.

I feel restless and hopeless. One of my Twitter friends, and I use that term lightly, was in trouble tonight. I tried talking to her but she really just wanted to think about suicide as a way to end her pain. There was nothing I could say to convince her otherwise. It got me thinking about my own suicidal feelings. I am about four weeks away from my proposed plan. I don’t know if I am going to go through with it or not. And I don’t know if someone would be able to talk me out of it either. I am feeling really hopeless about things right now. Pain is not helping me think clearly, that I know.

I need to call my friend tomorrow. He has invited me to go south of Boston to meet up with some friends of ours for a school play. I don’t want to go because it just exhausts me and I am in pain the next day or that night into the next day. I just can’t tolerate pain anymore. I really want to see my friends but I don’t want to be in pain. It’s a huge juggling act and I lose out and so do my friends because they want to see me. I feel bad because I am missing out but I got to take care of myself. The more I am in pain, the more my suicidality rises. I just can’t stand it anymore.

After my babysitting duties, I decided to shower. It felt good to be clean again. But I was very cold as there was no heat in the bathroom. Our heater broke before the summer and the replacement doesn’t do a very good job. It’s on for about fifteen minutes and then shuts off. It sucks. My brother in law is stubborn about fixing it. He thinks that is the way it’s supposed to work. You can’t tell him anything.

Okay, I am going to try this thing called sleep again. I hope I succeed. If not, I will be back!

Saturday Blog 72

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 72

I was up till 0130 talking to a friend while my ankle was throbbing up a storm. I woke up around 7ish with my foot hurting so took some more pain meds. I was asleep most of the day. Then my mother called me around 1330 saying to call my sister. Why my sister didn’t call me, I have no clue. She had already texted me. Then when I did call her she went off on me. I felt like hanging up on her. She wanted me to babysit. I reluctantly agreed, though I really didn’t want to. I still am not feeling great and my ankle/foot is still hurting me because of the lovely snow storm we are having. Once I was able to turn on my damn desk lamp, I took some more pain meds. My niece doesn’t really need to be “watched” just needs company.

I was hungry as I had not eaten anything all day and the thought of going back to my diet wasn’t appealing. Not when my pain was a 12. I needed real food so I ordered a sub and fries. I didn’t feel like making anything. I had a yogurt while I waited for my food to be delivered.

I still have a couple hours before I have to go downstairs to watch my niece. I took a nap and then it was time to go downstairs. My foot is still hurting me but I didn’t take any medication, least for now. The snow has accumulated quite a bit and it’s still snowing. I don’t think it’s going to stop until tomorrow evening or at least sometime tomorrow. I should have woken up sooner so I could have gone to the post office this morning but that wasn’t happening. I’ll just go Monday.

My sister just called and said some roads are really bad because they aren’t plowed but the city roads are okay. Figures. I just hope she stays safe in this weather. If it was me, I wouldn’t have ventured out. I hate driving in the snow.

Random 901

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 901

I went to the Square and had my Starbucks. I also had a protein bar with my espresso. I didn’t have any protein drinks but I am trying to be good today. I wrote in my journal for about an hour before I had to leave to go to my psychiatrist’s appointment. I had to go to the bathroom by the time I got there. Unfortunately, the disabled stall was taken so I had to use a regular one. I almost fell off the toilet as I sat down because I forgot how low they are. I hate using a regular stall but my bladder couldn’t wait.

I had about fifteen minutes before my appointment and my psychiatrist wasn’t on time, as usual. I didn’t mind waiting. It gave me some time to prepare what I had to say. She got me from the waiting room and told me she was shocked I was still in one piece. I told her my ankle is still sleeping, though I had a few slips today as the sidewalks were a little icy. Luckily, I didn’t fall. We talked about the week and the letter I wrote her. I wasn’t in a good mood all week and said I was suicidal again. She wanted me to consider the hospital but I can’t go in because I have babysitting duties next week. She wanted to know what to do to help me and I guess I just said, increased contact so we are meeting next Friday.

After the appointment, I caught the bus home and went to the grocery store to buy a cake for the party tonight. The selections weren’t that great so I chose a small cake. My sister didn’t like it but oh well. No one really eats cake anyways and she had an ice cream cake so the two should be plenty. I then went to Walgreens to do an errand for my mother. On the way home, the handles on the bags broke. Wonderful. I had to carry the bags carefully before they really ripped. By the time I made it up to my room my ankle had enough of me walking all over the place. It flared up so now I am stuck in my room.

My mother made mac and cheese for dinner and I had some. My ankle didn’t like me going downstairs but I was hungry as all I had to eat was that protein bar earlier in the day. Then it was giving me fits as I tried to hobble around the kitchen. I just came back to my room and will be staying here until the pain lessens. I already took my pain meds so I will be taking a nap soon. I need one.

I decided not to go to the post office today because I had to do all these errands and go to my appointment. I will go tomorrow if I am feeling okay. If not, there is always next week. I also need to buy more mailers. I meant to do that today and forgot. I like the ones from the Post office because they are sturdy and weigh less than the ones at the store. Plus it’s the perfect size for my book.

Off Track

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Off Track

It’s only been day 4 of my diet and I am not doing well. I was craving pastrami and fries after my nap today. I gave in. I couldn’t bear to drink another shake. I should have bought different flavors rather than the same one. It’s getting old very quickly. Tomorrow I see my psych so I am not sure how the diet will go then. It’s going to be challenging because in the evening, my sisters are having a birthday party for my mother and niece and that means cake. I am a cake addict so it’s going to be difficult to resist the temptation.

Because I had to take another strong pain pill last night to get relief, I was waking up every few hours. I am exhausted today. I wanted to go to the post office to mail my books out but after I took a shower, my energy went down and I needed to nap. Then I didn’t want to do anything after the nap. I still feel like I can go to sleep.

I emailed my psych twice last night. One was to send her the blog I wrote and the second one was to basically bitch about the pain I was in. If I said more than that, I don’t remember. She didn’t respond to the email and she didn’t call me so I guess it wasn’t that dire. I gave in and texted my therapist to see if she had any times available today. I just feel like I need to talk to someone, someone that understands chronic pain that I go through. I had sent a message to my support group that I was just looking for someone to listen and not really give advice. What I got was advice. Did you take this or that? I got very annoyed. Not even my support group understands my pain syndrome.

There was a bank robbery in the town over from mine. They think the guy fled to my town. I am hearing helicopters so they must be searching for him. He escaped from prison. We are told he isn’t dangerous but you never know. People will do things in desperate situations. I hope they catch him. HOLY SHIT! They caught the guy near my street! Glad he is in custody. They caught him as he was trying to rob another bank a block from my house. Mass State Police has him now.

My migraine is back and the noise from the helicopter is not helping. I am getting agitated and more annoyed. It’s not helping my headache. And I can’t sleep. It’s probably some damn news helicopter. Assholes.

I’m in a bad mood again. I was feeling okay this morning but during the afternoon my mood went from good to bad. Pain isn’t helping. It’s just making me feel hopeless. I try not to let it get to me but every day I have the same pain or a different kind of pain and I can’t do anything about it. I have to take several meds to control it, which mess up my bowels. I haven’t gone in the last three days because I had to take my strong pain pill each day. Even going pee is trouble some because I just retain the urine. It takes a few minutes for the flow to start because of my nerve injury. It’s troubling me because I know if I bring up these side effects, I might not be prescribed the meds anymore, which would be terrible. The benefits out weigh the side effects.

I just took some ibuprofen for my damn headache. I think the helicopters are going to be in the area a while. What they can see in the air is anybody’s guess. They probably won’t have a news conference for another half hour or so. I am glad I don’t have to be near the area where the barracks are. That place must be swamped with news vehicles, making the evening commute a joke. Having your ankle and head hurt at the same time really sucks.

I have three cases of the protein drinks that I like. I have half of the ones I don’t. I usually just have one of them a day. I foolishly bought three boxes of protein bars. I like them and they come in handy when you are hungry but don’t want to make something to eat. Each box has six bars in it. Before the diet, I bought a box to try them out and kind of almost ate a bar each day so I had to buy more. They are really good. Maybe I will take some protein bars with me tomorrow to stave off hunger so I don’t cheat.