Tag: bipolar disorder

Things you think of when you can’t sleep because of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Things you think of when you can’t sleep because of pain

I’m having a difficult time right now. My foot is ablaze in pain. I took my pain meds a half hour earlier than I should have. I don’t care. I also took an Ativan because my thoughts are all over the place with anxiety. I am not sure what the anxiety is about. I have been thinking about my therapist the past couple of hours so it might because of her. Our session is still not sitting well with me. I tried writing about it but I just ended up crying. It just got me so upset. So I left the document open but I will come back to it later.

I checked my blog email as I had some messages. In the sidebar, it listed some Velveeta recipes. It looked good so I clicked on it for a chicken and pasta dish. It seems easy to make so I am going to try it. I just need to get the ingredients.

I am really tired but every time I lie down, my ankle acts up. I took it off the covers and that reduced the pain by 40%. But every time I move it to get comfortable, it flares up on me again. I don’t get it. I am not straining it by these movements. And they are not bearing any weight. I don’t know what gives.

I’m having nerve pain so I took some Neurontin to try and ease it. I wish it worked right away but it doesn’t. It takes several hours for it to work. By then, I am usually asleep. I wish I was asleep right now and I would be as I have had a tough day. But this damn pain is horrible tonight. I don’t understand why as I have been in bed most of the day. The only time I pretty much left my room was to use the bathroom and get something to eat, which were very few times. But my pain doesn’t care. It hurts no matter what I do or don’t do. So very frustrating.

I tried the new protein drinks. It’s not bad but it has a bad aftertaste. It has the sweetener stevia in it which is why the calories are so low. I never had this sweetener before so I hope I don’t get sick off it. The drink did filled me up so that was good. I might buy some Ensure for the vitamin part of it as well as adding calories. Drinking five of the protein drinks will only bring me up to 750 calories a day. I need another 300 calories to complete the day. One Ensure will probably do it.

I think I finally cried for my father today as I was crying for the loss of my therapist. I still don’t think I am completely over his death. It will be eight months since his passing, ironically on Christmas. It’s going to be a difficult day.

bad day in therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Bad day of Therapy

After almost sixteen years of working together, my therapist and I are coming to the conclusion of our work. I cried through most of the session. She still wanted to give me some names of therapists that were close by but I think I am done with therapy. I will just see my psychiatrist every 2-3 weeks. I don’t care. I can’t go back to a new therapist because I just don’t want to deal with someone new.

I cried some more after therapy. Sobbed is more like it. I soaked my pillow. I didn’t go out today. If my mother didn’t cook dinner, I probably wouldn’t have eaten either. I might have some cake later. Maybe the chocolate chips and pumpkin will cheer me up some. I never called the dentist to get the hole in my tooth fixed. I will try tomorrow.

The reason that we can’t work together anymore is still unclear to me but I am not going to press the issue. Obviously, my transference blog “opened her eyes” and she doesn’t think I am right for her anymore. If I see any new therapist, I won’t be sharing my blog with them.

I’m having trouble writing today. My heart is broken and I don’t think it will recover. 16 fucking years. We are taking a break. We don’t go back to seeing one another until after the new year. Ironically, it’s the day after our anniversary date.

just don’t have spoons today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Just don’t have the spoons today

I had another aggravating therapy session. My therapist was talking heavily into my pain and I finally had enough after twenty minutes or so. When I said I wanted to talk about something else, she asked why? I told her because this was Psychotherapy not pain therapy. Then she went on about how my pain is influenced by trauma and my anxiety and suicidal thoughts. Well, why weren’t we talking about that then?? So annoys me that she thinks we are talking about one thing and she is talking about another.

Then to make me really lose my patience, she had the audacity to say that I stigmatize myself. I asked her how do I do that. She says because I tell her that I am worthless. I lost it. It’s a goddamn symptom of depression for crying out loud not a stigmatization. I told her we weren’t on the same page today, at all. To make my fucking day, she says that I should see another therapist as a therapist and use this therapy as an adjunctive therapy. WHAT??!!! She still thinks, in her mind, that finding a therapist that is closer to me is the solution to the problem. Yea, her problem.

By the end of session, I was exhausted. I had wanted to go to Starbucks and have my cake but I lost whatever energy I had. I just wanted to sleep. I took another pain pill with my trilafon and read Twitter. I got bored with that so I decided to read “Dark Tide”. I have one chapter left. I will save it for this evening. I didn’t make coffee, but I did have my cake. It was really yummy. The chocolate chips added flavor to it that was incredible. Of course, chocolate makes everything better.

I saw chicken on the counter so I thought my mother would be making it for dinner. She came home from shopping and didn’t want to make it. We had cold cuts instead. Other than the cake and the sandwich, I haven’t eaten anything else all day. I am really hungry but I am trying to control myself. I think I will have some crackers with cheese.

My protein shakes came. I have one in the fridge to have tomorrow to try it out to see if I like it. I hope I do. It doesn’t have a lot of calories like I was hoping, far less than say an Ensure. I talked with my therapist about this diet and she flipped out. Another reason why I lost my patience with her. I can never have a discussion around my eating habits with her. I swear she thinks I am anorexic or something. It really bothers me.

dentist, baking, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Dentist, baking, and other things

I went to the dentist this morning. I wasn’t spared a cavity and need to go back tomorrow morning to have it filled. UGH. He also told me that I need to brush better on my back molars or I will get another one on my back tooth. Trouble is, that area always makes me gag so I am careful to avoid it. Now I will have to take Zofran before brushing my teeth or something. I hate getting my teeth drilled. I’m glad I went as I was sure I was going to have to cancel because of the weather.

It snowed but it has pretty much cleared by the time I had my appointment. The streets were wet but not icy as the temp had climb up a little bit. I was sweating by the time I reached the office building with my heavy sweatshirt and jacket. I didn’t wear the jacket on the way home. I was too warm and the office was really warm. I needed to cool off some.

I still plan on making my cake today. I need to rest right now as my ankle is being a brat. My right ankle was hurting as I was walking for some reason. That pain has gone away, thank god. I can’t have both ankles hurting me. That will so suck. I need the pain meds to do their magic before I start baking.

I took a nap for a couple of hours after I made some breakfast. My niece was pounding on the back porch door and woke me up. My mother wasn’t home yet so I had to go downstairs and let her in. I thought it was odd that my mother wasn’t home as she left early this morning. Then I remembered that she had a funeral to go to and those usually last all day. I had just started making my cake when she came home. The cake came out awesome and I put chocolate mini chips on the top of the cool whip. I need to let it cool completely before having a piece. I will probably have some tomorrow.

By the time everything was said and done, my ankle was barking at me. I even sat while mixing the cake so I don’t know why it’s so angry. It’s so damn finicky. I had emailed my psychiatrist sometime before going to la la land last night but haven’t heard back from her. I didn’t sleep well as the stupid strong pain pill made me dopey and only let me sleep for two hour intervals. It sucked. I really didn’t think I was going to wake up in time for my dentist appointment but I did. I hope tonight is better. Least now I know that when I have that slicing, piercing pain to take the strong pain pill because the regular pain meds just aren’t going to cut it.