Tag: bipolar disorder

Random 566

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I finally took a shower today and because our bathroom heater is still broken, I froze my ass off, literally. It wasn’t fun. I quickly dried off and got dressed. I then checked the time and realized I had just enough time to catch the next bus to the Square. I wanted to get some more Pike coffee and my espresso drink that I am falling in love with. It’s National Coffee Day, so I tweeted about having my four shots of espresso.

When I got to my seat, there was a guy there eating what I am guessing nuts of some kind and charging his phone. He was really antsy and made me nervous. I tried to ignore him as I had my coffee and pumpkin scone. I then tried to write in my new journal. I must have written a page and a quarter before I got tired of Mr. Antsy man and had to leave. I just didn’t feel comfortable. I felt like he could read what I was writing. I forgot to take my night time dose of trilafon last night so I have been unhinged most of the day, even though before I left the house, I took a dose. I just have been feeling paranoid and stuff. Doesn’t help that the voices have been loud and obnoxious with their commenting on everything I do.

I needed to get some eye drops and I love that I did everything through my phone rather than through Walgreen website. I had to buy 2 things of toothbrushes because I had to have $35 in order to get free shipping. I always forget to buy them so now I am stocked for the year! LOL

It is cold today so of course my lower back is hurting. I can’t stand too long without pain. It happened on the way home where my back decided to flare up on me. It was a long way home, even though I was only a block and half away. Think I will use a heating pad tonight. The stiffness in my left calf has eased. I am guessing the hot shower helped along with some stretches.

I wish the public transportation system would send me a letter soon about my disability pass. My current pass expires Oct 23. I don’t want to put a monthly pass on in case they transfer cards, then I will lose the pass. I think $20 should be enough for the month as I don’t use the trains as much. I mostly just use the bus.

Monday, I am supposed to meet up with some friends and go out to dinner. I will be wearing my AFO as I can’t trust my ankle without it. Since using it, I have been in less pain while walking but I still have flare ups at night. Seems lying down is a trigger for pain and even when I nap now, the pain is there. I can’t sleep sitting up, though I have tried. It’s only when I am completely exhausted do I get the sleep I need, pain or no pain. It’s not the way I intend on living the rest of my life. Something has to give. It’s been more than a week and the CBT people still haven’t called me. Nor has my PCP’s office called with my much needed strong pain meds. I hope they get back to me tomorrow, early enough so I can pick up the script. I can’t go Monday or Tuesday of next week because of commitments so the earliest I can get into Boston would be Wednesday and I might run out of my meds by then. I have just three pills left and if I have another flare up, I am going to use them. I hope I don’t get a flare up.

Can’t Stay awake any longer

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Can’t stay awake any longer

The ballgame is at a checkmate right now. Both sides have only 1 hit and it’s the 6th inning. I can’t open my eyes any longer. I took my meds earlier than I usually do because I thought it was later. My mother usually goes to bed around 8 so when she came up the stairs, I thought it was around that time. It was 1945 or earlier, I couldn’t say. So my meds have kicked in and I am getting very sleepy. Update: 8th inning and the Sox have just scored 2 runs. They need 6 outs to clinch the division. Rally cap on!

Zipcar has changed my car to a Golf again. Least now I know how to start the stupid thing. New cars have weird rituals in order to start the car. It’s no longer turn the key. As long as it gets me to where I am going, I really don’t care how the car starts.

I overspent my check again. I have less than $100 to last for the month. Lovely. Guess I won’t be eating burritos whenever I want. I had to get coffee for home so I had to put more money in my Starbucks funds. Least I have my groceries for the month. I still need to get some pumpkin for my goodies. I really want to make the pumpkin cake again. That was really good.

My mother decided to spray some carpet cleaner on the rug that had some stains on it. Now the living room stinks of the stuff. My sister and I tried vacuuming the stuff but the stain remained. My sister is planning on getting the rugs professionally cleaned next week. I hope they can get the stain out. My mother doesn’t know this because she would have a fit and a half. It’s her Christmas present from my sister.

I’m still feeling pretty sad. I think my father’s grief is somewhere in there. I still haven’t cried for his loss. It’s hard to cry for him because I emotionally cut him off so many years ago. It’s hard to cry for someone who was never there for you.

I desperately need a shower but I am being stubborn about it. My left calf has been hurting me most of the day so standing is not cooperating with me. I have been trying to resting it most of the day. I think I put too much pressure on it with driving with the AFO yesterday.

I don’t think I can stay up to listen to the last 6 outs of the game. I am really tired. If I do, I will be overtired and then there will be no sleeping. I am going to try and sleep now.

Agitation has ceased but now Sadness has crept in

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Agitation has ceased but now Sadness has creeped in

I reluctantly had therapy today. She gave me the option to cancel as I had canceled before the 24 hour rule. I felt kind of like talking so I agreed that she could call me if she wanted to. We talk and I cried. I was overwhelmed with sadness most of session. She read my blog that I sent her last night and she understood a little bit about what I had gone through last night. She really liked how I wrote it.

I told her my date today as it is coming up soon and she is adamant about trying to keep me here. I told her I was sorry for causing her pain. That when she said that I can’t split “us” up. She is going to try and see if I can have a session tomorrow. She already scheduled a day for Monday. I think she thinks that more is better. I don’t know.

I didn’t sleep very well. I was up every couple of hours and then I gave up around 5. I paid some bills and ordered my stuff on Amazon. I am really tired. I wanted to get up before noon and make my dinner in the slow cooker. But that didn’t happen. I ended up making it after my therapy appointment. Now dinner is going to be a little later than planned. I hope the chicken cooks okay. There was a lot and the cooker is small. I hope it cooks all the way through.

I feel really sad. It was the first time in a long time that I really sobbed while on the phone with my therapist. I really didn’t know what I was crying for. I just was so miserably sad and it came out in tears. I still feel sad afterwards. I really just want to go to sleep.

Agitated and Aggravated

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Agitated and aggravated

I have not been able to settle down since coming home. I feel really agitated and things are unsettled. The voices are loud but they are mumbling so I can’t understand what they are saying so I am frustrated. I have tried listening to some music to calm me down but that hasn’t worked. It just gets me more agitated. I just took some Ativan and some trilafon to try and calm down because I really would like to sleep before my pain shoots off.

I am really annoyed at my therapist. I really didn’t want to have a session with her but she plays this game with me that if I can come up with a good reason, I can skip the session. I never can come up with a good reason as the reason is, I just don’t want to talk with her, which isn’t a good enough reason. I texted her that she might get my voicemail or I might block her call. I am so annoyed. In order to avoid the phone call, I am tempted to get another Zipcar and go out to see her again. Course, if I do have the phone call, I can just put her on mute. I don’t get why this fucking woman drives me insane.

Then the ballgame was a shit show. Price, who is getting paid $30 million, gags in big games so we lost tonight because he gave up the long ball one too many times. That didn’t help my agitation, at all.

Voices are commanding tonight. They want me to pick a bottle and take the whole thing. I hope the trilafon works soon. I hate this uneasiness I am feeling. It’s partly my fault the voices are out of control. I missed my afternoon dose of trilafon because I was driving today. I hate missing doses but it happens. I have to be better about taking the dose. I want to page my psychiatrist but it’s late. She will just tell me to go to the ER and I don’t want to. They will admit me and I don’t want to be admitted. This will pass. I can handle the voices by ignoring them even though I am agitated.

Well, too late to beat the pain in my ankle. It has just started. Fuck. I just took my pain meds so now I have to wait till they kick in. I hate this feeling. I am feeling out of control and yet I am in control. I had something to eat so that made me feel better as I haven’t eaten much all day. Sometimes not eating will cause me to become agitated, too. I know part of the reason I am aggravated is because I am overtired. I didn’t nap when I came home from therapy like I wanted to. Then my groceries came and I had to put them away. By the time that happened, I was so tired I didn’t know if I should eat or sleep. So I did neither.

I am so tired of fighting myself all the time. It’s really tiring. Actually, it’s exhausting, between the voices, the depression, the physical pain, the emotional pain, and then the emotions that go with it. I just want to die. I don’t know when this will happen. I hope that it will happen soon but I just don’t know. There are so many factors that go into it that I am just plain scared of it so I don’t do anything but think about it. I don’t tell anyone what I am thinking because I don’t want to be stopped. I pick dates. I plan a destination. But will I go through with it? I just don’t know.