Tag: bipolar disorder

The Emotional Therapist

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

The Emotional Therapist

I had therapy today. It didn’t go as I thought it would. Actually, I have no idea how it would go as our sessions are as varied as the day is long. She got my text about my plan and then proceeded to have a breakdown. She felt like I was leaving her, for good and she couldn’t bear the pain so I got to hear it in her voice. She struggled all session to keep composure. It was the most difficult session I have ever had. She kept saying that she wanted me to see her so I basically deposited money I was saving for the month in my account so I could get a zipcar for tomorrow.

So much went on in those fifty minutes today. I shut down as I didn’t know what to say or how to act to my therapist crying. She wanted to know what was really going on. But I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it. The thought of me not being there anymore was too much for her to think about. At one point, I tried to steer the conversation but it backfired on me. I told her to get the baseball on her desk, which is our code word when she is anxious and she said she wanted me to throw it at her. Not the response I was looking for.

I realized today that we don’t have a therapeutic relationship governed by the “rules” of therapy anymore. It’s more of a relationship of some sort and I really don’t know how to process this. I feel like I again blundered my own death by telling my therapist I was suicidal again. I just didn’t know it was going to be such an emotional session today. I feel really bad that I am affecting her this way and I just want to run away from her very badly now more than ever. Just cut the cord and see you but she is too possessive of me to let go. We have been together approximately 16 years. That is a long time and I had no idea how much I affect her. I had a glimpse of it more than 10 years ago. I was suicidal at the time and I was dead serious, like I am today, about ending my life. She cried then as well and we worked through that episode. That was before I found out about CAMS and psychache and the American Association of Suicidology.

Suicide talk still freaks the fuck out of my therapist. She did most of the talking today and I just let her ramble on, even though it probably should have been the reverse. I am just not emotional anymore. It takes a lot for me to cry and to feel hurt. Other than that I am just a pile of deadwood, not feeling much of a damn thing. I just know that ending my life is what needs to happen to stop the relentless agony I am in day after day after day after day and night after night. All I see in my future is pain and that is not a good feeling to have. It’s dread and it sucks.

I hope tomorrow isn’t a continuation of today. I won’t be able to handle it, not in person anyway. I tweeted to a therapist friend and he gave me at least 5 reasons why therapists are afraid of suicide, which coincided with my theories on the matter.

Grief of my father

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, grief, mood disorders

Grief of my father

I some how came back to the middle of March’s blog of this year. I was reading through my awful depression and didn’t realize how bad things were while my father was dying. I have no idea how I managed through the pain of losing him and the physical pain of my ankle.

I didn’t want to read through the blogs I posted in April because that is when my father died. He had a quick decline. The nursing home gave us 20 days of full insurance and he died about 14 days or so before those days were up. I never finished writing the story I started when I was in the hospital, trying to process that day as it was so vivid in my memory banks for weeks after his death. It still is vivid but not as intrusive as it was.

My depression kind of protected me from my grief. Most days, I didn’t feel anything. I haven’t read the blogs following my father’s funeral, only the few blogs that had to deal with the stupid oxygen company that wouldn’t come to take its tank away. That was the last day I saw my father’s small apartment.

I still haven’t cried for his death. I was deeply sad reading about his death but I still haven’t cried. I don’t know if I ever will. He was a difficult man. I hated him but had to respect him. He annoyed the piss out of me, most of the time. He knew how to push my buttons to get a reaction out of me just to make himself laugh. How can I cry knowing that I don’t have to deal with that bullshit anymore? It’s a relief that he is gone, a sad relief. I never thought that I would miss the bastard. But I do.

I never told him my feelings. It was forbidden to talk about them, good or bad. He wasn’t the type to accept honest feelings. I remember when I was little, a friend of mine moved away and I was so sad that I cried. He saw me crying and laughed at me. Basically he told me to stop or he would give me something to cry about. I stopped crying because I knew what that meant. We never showed emotion in my house growing up. It was always a slippery slope.

He said that he loved me from time to time. I never believed him because the man was a pathological liar. I actually stopped believing in him when he told me to jump off the bridge when he found out I was suicidal at the age of 15. He basically gave me permission to end my life. I have been struggling with that the last 25 years or so.

Mondays Suck

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Mondays Suck

I had a hard time sleeping last night because of pain. I woke up a few times during the night. I just couldn’t get comfortable or I just couldn’t sleep. It was a bad night. I had planned on going to Starbucks after I took my morning meds but I fell asleep and didn’t wake up again until my mother called asking what I wanted for dinner. By that time, it was too late to head to the Square.

I got up and made a half of a bagel for some calories for the day. I drank it with some dark chocolate almond milk for added protein. Then I went upstairs to check Twitter and Facebook. While doing that, the pain came back. I haven’t done a damn thing all day except make myself something to eat. Unreal. I just took some pain meds and will soon be calling it a day. I don’t care that it’s just about 1700. I won’t be watching/listening to the sox game tonight.

I texted my therapist late last night about the suicidal ideas that I am having. I didn’t give her specifics, I never do, but told her what was on my mind at that hour. I swear she better not give me a hard time tomorrow. I just don’t want to deal with her. I never do when I am in this state. I think therapy is a joke when you are suicidal and want to seriously kill yourself. It’s a serious, “why bother” kind of thing. I never feel better after I have had therapy with these types of discussions. I just get more frustrated because usually, I am not being heard. Or my therapist goes into anxiety mode and nothing gets accomplished. That actually pisses me off more than just trying to talk about things.

I also sent my psychiatrist the “can’t die without explanations” blog. I wanted her take on it. I still haven’t heard back from her. I probably won’t. I un-password protected it last night so I didn’t have to send her my word doc. I won’t send her the other “incriminating” blog that I think sent police to my door. I still am upset that someone called the cops on me. I am just glad that I was home and they didn’t break in to see if I was okay.

I am getting hungry. That bagel didn’t help as I haven’t eaten anything else all day. I think I might make a black bean burger. I haven’t had one in a long time. I still haven’t made my way to Dunkin Donuts to grab a dozen donuts. I am sure their pumpkin ones are back. They are really good. But it is a long walk to get there. I could cheat and take the bus down the street. It’s only a few stops though. Maybe I will tomorrow before my therapy appointment if I get up early enough.

Sunday Blog 19

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I woke up in the early morning, again, to tinkle and then I was hit with pain when I came back to my room. Then a few hours later, I woke up in pain. I took some more pain meds and that was my morning. I had two dreams with food in them because I was hungry. I had wanted to make breakfast when my med alarm went off but I just went back to sleep. It’s been a frustrating day.

My mother made fried eggplant and had some bread leftover. I love this. All it is is breadcrumbs with egg, fried till the egg cooks and it is so good. I sometimes love having it more than the eggplant or chicken that my mother makes. I also had a smores pop tart because that is what I wanted. I was thinking about making eggs and toast but I couldn’t be bothered. I made coffee and am trying to enjoy it as I write this blog.

I had a dream about my father and his sister. We were over her house and dinner was being prepared. Every time I went to eat my meal or something, I got distracted with my father’s incessant need for attention. Then when I went back to my plate, it had been cleared away. I was getting mad because I kept fixing a plate and then it was taken away from me. I couldn’t even eat in my dream!

As I was downstairs making coffee, I decided to watch the ball game. Sox were down 6-4 and then they tied it up. Jays were still batting when I left to go to my room because I couldn’t take the heat in the kitchen anymore. By the time I went back upstairs, the Jays scored two runs to make it 8-6. I was pissed. The Sox cannot lose against Toronto because they are battling for first right now with them! Papi just scored a 3 run blast. 10-8 Sox, 6th inning. I feel a little better now but the game is not over yet.

Today is the memorial for 9/11. I have been seeing more pics of the Towers today than I have in the past few years, some have videos attached of that tragic day. I didn’t watch them because I know I will cry. It’s just a very sad day in American history. That day will be forever etched in my mind. I haven’t turned on the radio today because I don’t want to listen to songs from that time period or songs that reflect the loss. I am just too emotional to hear it. Hard to believe it has been 15 years.