Tag: bipolar disorder

Random 421

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 421

Yesterday when I went to see my therapist in person, I gave her a snickers latte as she has never had one before. She loved it. It’s a really good concoction of caramel, hazelnut, and mocha. Tonight I had another meltdown. I was trying to get a second nap for the day when pain erupted and it sunk me lower than I ever sank. I texted my therapist that I was done and that I was sorry. I didn’t expect her to respond as it was late. About an hour later, she texted me back with a photo of the drink and a lovely supportive message. She is such a dork. I was appreciative of the text and it did help my mood.

I found my “Liar Liar” DVD and decided to watch it. I felt like a comedy would help me out of the pit I was in. It was funny to watch Jim Carey makes his faces. I have seen the movie many times and it cracks me up every time.

I want to sleep, but pain is keeping me up. My foot just will not settle down. I took some more pain meds. I also took another trilafon because I couldn’t remember if I took it or not. Then I watched Twitter and the Sox had a dramatic comeback and won 7-5. That really made my night. I thought they were really going to lose to the Skankees as they were down 5-2. But my boys scored 5 runs in the bottom of the 9th inning to win.

I never took a shower tonight. Mostly because the heater in the bathroom is broken and it’s kind of cool tonight. I didn’t want to freeze my ass off. I’ll take it tomorrow when it’s warmer out. Meds are kicking in faster than I thought so I will stop here, for now.

Post 1946

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

This post could be long or short. I am just going to write and see what comes of it.

I had therapy for the 3rd time this week. We talked more about my suicidality and the blog (first one) that I wrote yesterday. I didn’t send her the second blog. We talked throughout the session about the blog (called perplexed if you want to catch up and read it later). I also sent the blog to my psychiatrist. I was expecting a response and so far, have no gotten one.

There were no tears in today’s session. It was straight on talking about my feelings in the blog and what to do with my suicidality. I kiddingly said I wanted to cancel next week and she flew into mother hen mode. So, I won’t be doing that again. She kept saying that we have to give “us” a chance. She said it more than once. But every time she said it, I grew silent. I didn’t know what to say.

We talked about the idea of her texting me but I think it would be hard for her as she would have to “plan” it and she didn’t know if it was ethical to do so. Yea, because loving your patient is ethical as well. I had to really sit on that one. I know some therapists do text their patients. I told her I would find some resources about it, but I think it just comes down to the therapist being comfortable to do so. I don’t really see my therapist doing it, though it will shock me if it ever does happen.

I would have gone out today but my sciatica was acting up so after session, I just took a nap. I had a hard time sleeping last night anyways and then I woke up before dawn. It’s not been a good day. We didn’t talk about my sleeping pattern and I forgot which blog post I wrote that in. She got that I was burned out by my pain and the trauma of it.

I need to take a shower tonight. I never had a chance to call the eye doctor for an appointment about my dry eyes. I will try tomorrow. I really don’t want to see him but the drops I am using aren’t helping me. I really just want to sleep right now and screw the shower. I am just really tired.

So Close

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I was hoping to go to sleep before my foot or ankle decided to say hello to me tonight. Nope. Didn’t lie down quick enough. Actually, lying down is actually a kind of trigger. Seems my pain is worse when I lie down versus when I am sitting up. Now my foot is doing a curling thing so I had to take some Ativan to calm the fucker down.

I am tempted to text my therapist or email my psychiatrist to ask if I can have an amputation on my ankle if I can’t kill myself. It’s a long shot but I figure there is no harm asking. While I was lying down before the pain erupted, psychache hit me square in the chest. So now I have both types of pain going on and I am ready to jump off a bridge. It’s a good thing I don’t have a car to get to where I am going. There are no bridges in my area that are high enough to kill me, except the Tobin but it’s a bitch to get to and you do need a car.

I don’t know if I am going to get out of this episode that I am in. I feel like if I don’t go through with it, I am a loser. If I at least attempt it, that will be something. If I fail, at least I can say I tried and then deal with the consequences, horrible though they will be. If I succeed, well then this blog will be all that is left behind. None of this will happen in the next few days so if you are thinking of saving me, you are wasting your time. These are just my thoughts that are running through my head at this particular moment in time.

Pain is causing me so much grief. I feel like I am losing it, not that I actually had things to begin with. The black coat of depression is pressing on me very closely. I have been trying to master the lyrics to the song “Make you miss me” by Sam Hunt. I heard it twice today on the radio and messed up the lyrics. Pissed me off. I wanted to share the lyrics and song with my therapist but I was too afraid she would cry. I did share two songs with her today, Reckless by Martina McBride and Don’t think I don’t think about it by Darius Rucker. It helps me to share music with her. I have a knack for songs finding me when I am hurting or need to express myself.

My Sox lost and I think they are no longer in first place. I am upset. They should have had these games but their offense was dead. There are only 17 games left in the season or that count toward the pennant race. I am so nervous about these games. It’s not helping my mood any.

I seriously want to email my psychiatrist and ask her if she thinks I am going to escape this episode that I am in. I just don’t see a way out. I don’t want to go into the hospital. It won’t help me. I might be fine for a few days to a week but the suicidal stuff always comes back. It’s like a monkey on my back. And the longer I go without an attempt, the stronger it becomes. I haven’t made an attempt in years. I don’t know if I am hopeless. I don’t feel it. I feel nothing but blackness. I just don’t know what is going to keep me connected to this world. I hope the pain meds kick in soon so I can get at least my physical pain will be taken cared of.

Perplexed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Perplexed

Today’s Daily Word Prompt is “perplexed” and I can’t think of a better title than that for the day. My eyes are so damn dry that I literally rubbed the skin off my lower eyelid this morning. I didn’t realize I did this until I washed my face this morning. Now I have to see my eye doctor to find out what can be done about it before I have no eyelids. As if I don’t have enough on my plate at the moment.

I got the car and went to Starbucks. When I went back to the car, I noticed some damage. It wasn’t a big thing, just some paint scrapes, no dents or anything, least none that I could see. I called and reported it when I got home after therapy.

Therapy was again difficult. She tried her best to have me look at her the whole time I was there but I wouldn’t. I couldn’t look at her. I just stared at the rug or played with my thumbs most of the session. We talked about the blog I wrote last night. I told her it was a piece of shit and she said it was anything but. She really wanted me to know that she cared about me and that she didn’t want me to die. She wanted me to take my date off the table. I told her I couldn’t do that. Who’s to say that I won’t have another pain episode that leaves me with the same feelings of being suicidal and I really want to go through with it the next day when I am able to fucking walk. That is the only thing stopping me right now. My inability to walk during intense suicidal feeling caused by intense physical pain. No, I have my own agenda and I plan on carrying things through this time.

I told her I knew she loved me and that I love her. I questioned what the hell kind of relationship we have and she couldn’t answer it. She doesn’t know. Great. She was playing with my baseball for most of the session. I guess it kept her mind off things. I told her she should get a stress ball. Maybe I will give her my apple scented one that I have. It’s smelling up a drawer right now so it’s not like I use it.

She toyed with the idea of texting me so that I can know and remember that she cared for me. I was going to say something about this but held back. Dr. Jobes has been doing this with his patients for years. My therapist is not a texting type of therapist, nor is she a technological person. This would totally take her out of her zone of comfort.

It’s a perplexing problem because she obviously cares deeply about me after all these years and she doesn’t want to lose me. She can’t imagine life without me in it. I guess my constriction is so damn bad that I can only focus on the task at hand and that is ending my life, on my terms, in my own way. I have had enough. The boundaries have been crossed and I tired, so very tired, of fighting them day in and day out. I told her that no one will be there for me in the wee hours of the morning because I can’t sleep and am in horrendous pain. Sure, I can page my psychiatrist if I am in a bad mood but why bother waking her up in the middle of the night. I just done. I told my therapist today, there is no way I can’t promise anyone that I won’t take my life, even if I take my date off the table. There is a chance that even when that day has arrived, I might not go through with it. I have had plenty of dates in the past and I am still here. Some my therapist knew, some she didn’t.

I told my therapist that I should have left her 12 years ago when she first became “possessive” of me. She had gone on maternity leave and she left me a birthday message. Or some kind of message, I forget now. I still have the microtape of the voicemail somewhere. Anyways, she said that I was hers and it should have put up a big red flag. But then, no therapist had every called me that before so I let it go. Now this therapist cries when I threaten my life, and there were still a few tears shed today.

How am I supposed to live when I want to die so damn bad? It gets worse, it gets better, but no matter how afield I get, I always come back to being suicidal. This is the worse part of the year for me. For the last 11 years I have been suicidal particularly during the months of Sept and Oct. It’s the bipolar season for suicidality. It’s been documented by Kay Redfield Jamison. I don’t see a point in living a life that is filled with pain and disability. I just don’t. Walking used to be my everything and now I can barely walk a few blocks here or there. I used to be able to walk Memorial Drive from Government Center all the way to Central Street in Cambridge. I am lucky to walk from the T station to the Starbucks down the street now. Any more than that, and my ankle says goodbye jack.

It’s more than just living with the pain. I have a huge high pain tolerance. But I am burned out. I am traumatized every fucking night with pain and there is no escaping it some nights. My sleep is affect and lo and behold, now they are looking at sleep disturbances as a cause of suicidality. NO FUCKING SHIT. I can’t tell you the last time I had a decent night’s sleep of more than 4-5 hours. If I do sleep at least 6-7 straight, it’s during the day time hours. That is when I get relief from my pain or am just exhausted I crash. I am called a lazy bastard if I sleep during the day so I try to stay up until night time again, except there is no relief then. It’s not like I am looking for more meds or support or anything. I just want the pain to stop because what the fuck is it hurting for anyways??