Tag: bipolar disorder

tired of this shit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Tired of this shit

I took my extended release med an hour later than I was supposed to. I was in the middle of doing something so forgot to take it. I had a peanut butter and fluff sandwich for supper and now the peanut butter is giving me horrible gas pains. Happens whenever I go overboard with the peanut butter. I can’t help it. It tastes so good. I took some gas stuff to calm it down.

I’ve been in a mood. My left thigh has been acting up the past few nights. I don’t know why. Usually, I just stand and walk around my room settles it down a little. I hate being in pain all over the place.

I have been going over my expenses for the month and I don’t have any extra cash for things. Sucks. I have enough for groceries for the month but I won’t be able to eat out unless I put it on my credit card, after I pay them for the month. I don’t know why I got them. I could have extra money for things if I didn’t have them. I am so stupid. I wanted to build my credit up. I don’t think I have. I am dumb.

I wish I could talk freely about what is on my mind like I used to but I am afraid some moron will call the authorities and they will come to my house. I have been very careful about what I write in my blog. I know I could write in my journal. It would be much safer. I know I don’t have to share with the world my thoughts but maybe my thoughts might help someone going through the same thing. I don’t know. I hardly get any feedback anymore. I just write just to write. I know a few people read my blog every day. Thank you. It means so much when you are depressed.

I got a thing about my students loans. I have to submit paperwork saying I am basically not working and that I meet the poverty guidelines. Seems I have to do it every year for them. Because my loans were discharged because I am disabled, I can’t get another loan, ever. Not that I would want one because there would be no way I could pay it back. I don’t make that much, just the bare minimum to get by. Sucks. I wouldn’t be able to work, even if I could. I would be in too much pain later that night or maybe my ankle would go out on me in the middle of my shift. I can’t afford that. It would wreck my confidence in myself. Hell, if I can’t even keep up with the dishes, how am I to work a job?

I ordered some cold cuts so I don’t have to cook. It is going to be hot all week, with the humidity being ridiculous. Hope my AC doesn’t croak. I have to be out of the house Wed so I will give it a break then. I don’t know when I will see my mother. I feel bad not seeing her. I do talk to her though. We don’t talk long. Maybe five minutes if that. I miss her. House is so quiet without her. I am sure when she is back, I will be annoyed with the TV being so loud. I had to lower it on the two TVs I watch. I was able to watch the last three out of the game. Sox won and they are 6 games up from the Snakes. I hope they continue to win and the Snakes continue to lose. HAHA I can dream.

My foot is starting to talk to me. Last night it was my ankle. God did my ankle hurt so bad. I took a picture and then drew a red circle around where it hurt. It was only an inch or so that was causing me so much pain. Today was a little better. I don’t know what it will be later on. I never know. I can do nothing it will hurt or I could do something and it will hurt. There is no rhyme or reason with it. And trying to stay on top of my pain meds doesn’t work either. Once it flares, it stays flared. Best thing I could do is keep it immobile as possible. Movement just causes more pain.

I should have made a cake while it was cool. Now it is blazing hot so turning on the oven won’t be a good idea. I bought the cake mix last month. I thought it was a simple thing but it isn’t. It is literally making a cake. You also need to put together the frosting with sugar and butter. Too much of a hassle. Maybe I will make it at my sister’s as she has an AC in her kitchen. Only thing is, I don’t know how to operate her oven because it is all fancy and shit. Just turning on the burners is difficult. Crazy stove.

I’m going to try and go to sleep now. I think all my thoughts have been emptied, least the ones that are “safe”. I hope I get to sleep. I really want one night where I am asleep by 2 AM.

randomness 23 July 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Randomness 23 July 18

I sent off an email to my psychiatrist sometime last night as I was in so much pain and I was angry. I told her I didn’t want to see her and to say this email is notification of cancellation of our next appt. I eventually went to sleep sometime after 1 am. I had put on a brace as the pain was just so bad. The compression of the brace helped but didn’t take it away completely.

I woke up to my phone’s med alarm. I took my meds but didn’t take my allergy pill. I went back to sleep but tried not to go into a deep sleep as I had to be up in a few hours. My psych had responded to my email but I didn’t have my glasses on to see what she said. I got up around a little after 11 am. I read the email and she basically said that she hopes I feel differently in the morning. I don’t. I don’t want to see her. I then took a shower. The house was like a sauna. I don’t know why I bothered picking out clothes. I was drenched in sweat by the time I came back to my room to cool off. I had an hour before I had to leave the house for the bus. I thought that was a good time.

I left and when I opened the door, it was raining so I went back in to get my umbrella. I wasn’t going to use my Bluetooth headset. The rain let up and the clouds cleared but it was still humid as hell. Then the skies opened up. Glad there was some drizzle before it happened to give me time to reopen my umbrella. It let up, again, by the time the bus finally arrived.

I got to starbucks and they had a new sandwich. I tried it and didn’t like it. I might as well as just pour a shaker of salt in my mouth. It was so salty. And the “bacon” was more like a ham. I couldn’t take the egg as everything else was overpowering. I felt like ordering something else but I didn’t want to get up. Then I looked at the time and shit, it was 1330! I had to leave for my appt. I quickly threw away what I didn’t eat, grabbed my coffee, and left for the train station. When I got to my stop and was waiting for the bus, I texted my therapist saying I might be late. Bus came like 30 seconds later so I was on time.

I didn’t talk about anything in particular. I told him about living alone and how scary it was the other day when there was no adults home and my ankle gave out. He said I should look into assisted living programs before something else happens to my mother, like her being forced in a nursing home or something worse. I said I will. I know there are some residential programs popping up around my city. I think you have to be apart of the Department of Mental Health to apply for them, though. I am sure there are others that maybe Medicare will have. I don’t have to look right this second but my mother being in the rehab has been an eye opener. We talked about my anxieties while she was gone and how difficult it was to keep up basic chores, like washing dishes and such. I didn’t tell him about the email I sent to my psychiatrist at all. I didn’t want to talk about it.

I left and was wondering what I was going to do for dinner. It was too hot to cook or use the oven. I just caught the bus home and was lost in my music as I was walking home. My legs have been feeling like lead all day. My lower body didn’t want to work at all. It just hurt to stand and walk. There was mail in the mailbox and I was sweating a lot by the time I got in the house. I just wanted to go up to my room and cool off. My mother called and wanted me to give my aunt some things that she needed. I also gave her some mail that I thought was important. I rested until I was sufficiently cool to go back out again. My cousin was parked outside my aunt’s house and we talked. He said he would be taking my aunt to see my mother. I told him I guess that means you won’t be taking me to Stop and Shop. He said sorry. Thanks for nothing bud. I might just take the bus, if the weather is decent. I have no idea if it is going to be just as humid or not. There are a few things I need to get that the online grocery doesn’t have, like a quart of milk. All they have is a half-gallon. I don’t need it as I got soy milk and almond milk. But I do like milk for when I have tea. I also wanted some cold cuts so I could make sandwiches. I can only get half a pound in the grocery app. So stupid but I guess they need the quantity in order to make it worthwhile.

Sunday Blog 22 July 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday blog 22 July 2018

I was having some kind of dream and then in the dream, my ankle started hurting me. I woke up and sure enough, my ankle was hurting. I don’t know why. It was raining so maybe that was the reason. Rain is supposed to happen most of the week. I took a breakthrough med and tried to go back to sleep but I didn’t want to wake up three hours later to take my morning pills so I took them and then silenced the alarm. I slept for about four hours. My phone woke me up. My mother was calling me. She asked how I was and I said you woke me. I was in pain. I wanted to see her today but my sisters came up looking for her clothes she wanted and were leaving soon. I needed a shower and there was no way I was going to rush as my ankle would flare and I would be useless. I stayed home.

The ball game was delayed due to rain in Detroit. The Red Sox Twitter account said to follow the Tigers to find out when they would be playing. No one else was tweeting about the game so I followed them. Usually a few writers I follow keeps me informed but there was nothing. They hardly tweet during the game anymore so if I don’t listen or watch, I have no idea what is going on.

My ankle pain was up and down most of the day, in the same spot. Going up and down stairs were tough. I tried to stay on one floor. I was disappointed the game was delayed because I had the big TV all to myself as my mother wasn’t home. I made some fries for lunch. They are the worst fries in the world. I ate like half of them and couldn’t eat anymore. I cooked them for 25 minutes and they weren’t even crispy but they looked burnt. I don’t know. My nephew bought them accidently. He was supposed to buy another brand so we were stuck with these. I didn’t feel like making anything else. I watched the game until my ankle couldn’t stand it any longer. Then I listened to it in my room.

I called my mother around 1700 to see how she was. She was okay. She is still in a lot of pain. She walked two rooms so she is getting there, slowly. She hasn’t done stairs yet. I don’t think she will until she can walk a hallway or something close. The Sox won 9-1. Then my ankle flared up again. I still had dishes in the sink from my breakfast. I guess I will do them tomorrow.

My brother in law made a huge gravy. It was oily. I had some pasta and a couple of meatballs. My GERD is going to kill me later. I don’t know why my reflux has been so bad lately. Maybe the pill is wearing off. I’ve been on it a long time. I am afraid to tell a doctor about it only because I don’t want a tube down my throat. I’ve avoided it for 20 some odd years and would like to keep it that way.

Been re-reading Norse Mythology. My friend just read it and reviewed it. Gave it 4 stars. He gives most books he reads 4 stars. I don’t know why. It is a really good book. I read it the first time in a day and a half. I love this book. I don’t remember if I reviewed it. My friend gives detailed reviews, which I don’t do. I give a few sentences and then that is that. I don’t give a complete book report on what it was about like some people. That drives me crazy. I am too sleepy to read tonight. Hope when I lie down, I am not in reflux city.

Saturday Blog 21 July 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 21 July 2018

Plain and simple, I didn’t do nothing today. Well, nothing exciting. I washed the dishes I didn’t do yesterday and then I emptied the dishwater. It took me about an hour to do the dishwasher because my back kept acting up from standing. I find it easier to put away the silverware and then do one row at a time. I didn’t put away the Tupperware because I hate doing so. I will try tomorrow.

I just ate the leftover food from last night’s meal. For some reason, my heartburn pill hasn’t been working this week. Last few days, I’ve had some serious heartburn and reflux. I didn’t take the pill last night to see how I did. Having a tomato sauce was probably not a good meal to have when you didn’t take heartburn meds. I just hope the reflux doesn’t happen. I took the pill tonight because I didn’t want to be burping up acid like I did last night. That was not fun.

I am not happy with my sister or brother in law as they put the bed together for my mother but didn’t take the plastic out to the garbage bin downstairs. They just stuffed it in my barrel for me to take out. WTF. My brother in law still didn’t level the step after the last step of the spiral staircase going out. I watched my step this time because I knew it wasn’t level. Asshole.

I had a weird dream about a baby needed to go potty even though they had a full diaper on. My sister had put on a little mermaid cover to the toilet so as I am trying to figure out how to take it off, the poor kid is peeing all over the place. I dream the weirdest stuff.

I talked to my mother today. I miss her. She was eating lunch so I didn’t talk with her long. She didn’t walk to far, just a few steps was all she could do. I hope she progresses. I am sure pain is the chief reason but she can’t tolerate anything stronger than Tylenol (paracetamol). I feel so bad for her. I probably am not going to be able to see her until Monday night or Tuesday. Depends on how I feel after therapy. I start seeing my therapist twice a week next week. It is going to be tough. It always wears me out. Hell, just washing dishes and putting away the stuff in the dishwasher wore me out. I needed a nap. I didn’t make coffee today. I just had tea.

It’s been a cool day. I think there are storms for tomorrow, which stink. I won’t be able to keep the back door open to let air in. Sox lost. I don’t know who was pitching. I didn’t listen to the game. For some reason, I wasn’t interested in it today. Maybe I will listen tomorrow. Sale is pitching. He has been pretty good but like anything, if he doesn’t get run support, it doesn’t matter how many strike outs he gets. He has a lot so far as he gets at least 10 per game.

I got an email from my Amazon publishing. I will be getting royalties next week. One I know I won’t get right away because it is the British pound. For some reason it takes a while to go through. The other is Kindle and they never say in the email how much I am getting. One time I got 7 cents. HAHA what am I going to do with that? I rather get something though. I worked hard on my books. I still got to promote my second one. I got the postcards staring at me. I just got to get the energy to go to the station and hand them out. I don’t know how else to do it. I haven’t sold too many to even have one review. Maybe one day.