Tag: bipolar disorder

another storm, another migraine

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I woke up with yet another headache that turned into a migraine. It is the fifth migraine I’ve had over the last few weeks, the second one this week alone. I emailed my neurologist and she said it could be because of the barometric pressure changes due to the storms we’ve been having. I didn’t think of that. I know my pain has been crazy and my back hurt again this morning. I’m glad I emailed her as I was getting worried something more was going on.

After I ate and the migraine settled, I changed my sheets. Because the elastic on my sheets went, I will be giving them to a friend that can use the material. I’ll ship it out to her my next pay period. I am glad someone can use them. My back had a fit with the fitted sheet. I swear, as I have many time, that I am going to get a home help person just to change my sheets. My back hurts so much when it is done and takes me a few hours to recover. I know my sisters would be like, yeah, they can also clean my room, but I like my room the way it is. It is organized my way, though it does need a little decluttering. I keep saying I am going to organize my clothes better but my pain has been so out of control that it’s been next to impossible to actually do this. I also found some videos on how to make the clothes fold smaller to they can be better organized. Trick is actually learning how to do it. I’m sure I’ll have to watch the video many times to get the hang of what I am doing.

I’ve been trying to do my expenses for the month so I can get new glasses. I think I will have to save for at least two months, maybe three as I freed up around $200. I want to get the good lenses as the ones I’ve been getting haven’t been that great and I have to clean my glasses nearly every day, some times more if I accidently touch the lens. I’m glad this is just a yearly expense though, sometimes every two if my prescription doesn’t change much.

I’ve been listening to Burning House by Cam the past hour or so. The song is just mesmerizing. The lyrics don’t really make sense but the music is what I like, and obviously, Cam’s voice. I might get her album when I get paid next. Mary Chapin Carpenter is coming out with a new album at the end of the month. I can’t wait to get it. I have most of her albums as she is my all time favorite female artist. Her voice calms me when I am in an aggravated or anxious mood. Doesn’t really matter what song she sings, she always calms me down. Her orchestral album is the only one I don’t have on her playlist because some of the songs start off really low and then become really loud. Not the type of thing to hear when you want to calm down! I wish she had a tour stop at the Boston Symphony or Longwood Symphony. That would have been so fricken cool. I haven’t been to the Boston Symphony Hall in a very long time. My older friend has season tickets so he goes every Saturday during the season.

The storm is supposed to end sometime tomorrow afternoon so I am not planning on going out. My mother said that it snowed this morning but when I got up, there was nothing but wet ground. It is only raining right now as it’s currently just 36 degrees. If the temp drops, it will snow. Some places have already had over an inch of snow, but that is south of me. I just hope I don’t wake up in back pain tomorrow morning. I could barely move this when the pain woke me up at 6. Fricken sucks. I am glad it went away. I wouldn’t have been able to change my sheets.

CRPS Madness, painsomnia seems to rule

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain

I didn’t go to bed till 5 or thereafter. I had some cocoa pebbles and tried to sleep. I slept most of the morning, though my other phone kept ringing, waking me up. I turned it off. I think it lost battery now so I don’t have to worry about it. Soon as I was awake for about 5 mins, the pain that kept me up, returned. I had to go downstairs to use the bathroom and brush my teeth. It was torture but I got it done. I am not going to shower or change my sheets. I am too tired and hurt too much.

I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’m tempted to call my psych for some valium or sleeping pill. I really don’t want one though. I already take enough meds. I wish I was seeing my pcp this week. I know part of my pain is bad because of the storm that is coming tomorrow evening. It supposed to last 24 hours. Only supposed to get 8 inches of snow so I guess that is good if it holds true. It is the same kind of storm we got over the weekend but less intense, though coastal flooding is still a risk.

I must have wrote a message to my pcp as I found out the idiot fellow messed up my allergies in a big way. I don’t remember doing it. He said he fixed it. I fucking wish before leaving the office, they had you read what they wrote so any errors could be fixed right there and then rather than after the fact. Would be beneficial for all I think.

I hope I don’t have another flare tonight. I am hurting at a 8 right now. Last night was at least a 14. My new Moleskin notebooks came. Now I can write down my crazy pain, rate it, describe it, and note the time. It changes so much every few hours.

I didn’t realize I had 3 gaba pills left in the bottle. I thought I finished it the other night. I could have used it to help settle things down. I just took the pills a little while ago. I’m not going to stay up another night, least not tonight.

My flashlight and B vitamins came today. It is a small bottle so the pills must be tiny. It has 5000 mcg of B12, 800 mcg of folate, and 2 mg of B6. I just opened the bottle. They are instant dissolving and are cherry flavored. They taste ok. It is more like a pellet than a pill. And it is tiny. I hope it helps with my pain. B6 is for nerve function. Also hope it gives me energy. I won’t be able to put these guys in my pill box for the week so I’ll have to remember to take them every day. I’ll probably use another med alarm.

I had a frozen dinner, spaghetti and meatballs. For some reason, it is not sitting well in my stomach. I don’t know why. I’ve had it before and it never caused any problem. It is the only thing I’ve had since waking up, besides a slice of coffee cake. My mother has been eating it on me. Silly woman. It is good though.

I wish I could take a shower. I feel so crappy. I just know I will risk a flare if I do. Not worth the risk. I’ll be taking my night meds soon. Just hope I sleep through the night.

Crying and it’s not over spilled milk

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, physical pain

I’ve been in severe pain since about 2000. My foot was exploding shortly after 1800. Things just got worse from there. Pain is all over ankle and foot but only half, the outer half. I laid down and then pokers started impaling my foot. I’ve been crying with each burst of intense pain. There is no more meds I can take. Well, I could take gaba. Except I’d have to get up as my bottle is empty. Took the last few pills last night. Fuck. No way I am standing up. Any movement causes more pain.

I read a fun article tonight (being sarcastic). It was about how pain patients can die sudden, unexpected death. It is thought to be a cardiac event in most cases but there is no gross pathology and most coroners state death is accidental overdose, which blames the physician. The author states some good stuff on how docs can protect themselves. I hope I die that way. Unfortunately, my phone nor Kindle can upload the file. Otherwise I’d post it. It is on my Twitter account if you use Twitter.

Pain is just out of control tonight. I was having a low pain day until migraine hit. Then everything went south. I can’t believe how tearful I am. The tears just come out and I don’t hold them back. I hurt too much to stuff them. 

On a good note, I tweeted about buying Cam’s song burning house and she responded to it!! Omg. Made my day. I locked the tweet so it wouldn’t get deleted. Now I love her more. I almost cried about that. Fuck I’m so emotional. 

The L pattern pain is happening now. Bones are hurting. Nerves are on fire. Glob is just horrible. Other than writing, I have no other distraction. Music wouldn’t be good because it would just wake me up and make me think. Just want to die. I sent my psychiatrist the pain article. I hope she reads it. I’m going to ask my PCP to check my cortisol level. It will be important to know. If it is low, I might already be stressed from pain. I was having some palpitations earlier. Now my shin muscles are cramping because the flare is so intense. Fucking hate CRPS. 

Monday’s activities

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Monday’s activities

I stupidly left the med alarm at like 6 am which scared the shit out of me so bad that I didn’t even take my BP pill. I just shut it off and then went back to sleep until my alarm went off. I slept through the night, for the most part. I wasn’t in pain, least not in my ankle or foot. My back was bothering me though because it had snowed this morning. My alarm went off around 0920. For the first time, the Bixby news thing worked. It gave me the news which was all about Cheeto’s dealings. UGH, not what I wanted to hear first thing in the morning. I’ll be turning that feature off. I dreaded getting out of bed. I wanted to make breakfast though, so I needed to. I know I could get something at Starbucks when I left later, but I wanted to use up the bacon I opened the other day before it went bad. I originally wanted to wash and change my bedding but that wasn’t happening with my back being sore. I thought about using the tennis ball to massage it out but never did. I figure I would take off the blankets and wash them when I came home. I’ll change the sheets tomorrow.

I made my breakfast and there was time to catch the bus for espresso so I went upstairs to get dressed. My mother called as I was changing wanting me to look up some vinyl siding guys as one of the panels blew off in the storm. I told her I would do it when I came home as my sister still had my laptop. I just used my phone to write up yesterday’s blog. I had a slight headache so took some Exedrin and ibuprofen. Then caught the bus and went to Starbucks.

I got my espresso and pulled out my notebooks. I should have just took out my journal as I was too cloudy to write a story or continue writing with what I had written so far. The sun poked out finally. I guess it wasn’t going to snow anymore. The snow from this morning was already gone but it was still cloudy when I left the house. I thought there was going to be a storm tonight but they have moved it to Wednesday night into Thursday afternoon/evening. We are supposed to get 8 inches. Lovely. I played with my phone and wrote in my journal until it was time to leave for therapy.

I talked with my therapist about this weekend. He played with his nails. I was kind of hyper when I first started talking then slowly lost steam. The brain fog had returned. The last few minutes I was telling him how today was the anniversary of the first time I attempted suicide. Twenty-seven years ago today my father called me a liar and I snapped. I couldn’t take the fights anymore between my parents and the name calling and everything else, really. I would find out just how bad my father would be the following night. I still remember like it was yesterday. My father fell from the pedestal I had him on and he never reclaimed it. Also weird to realize that I have been trying to end my life for 27 years yet I am still here. As suicidal as I have been, I haven’t really attempted to go through with my thoughts in years. So long, I don’t even remember the last time I did attempt.

I told my therapist that I was going to end it if my doctors didn’t do something for my pain. He said that I was angry. Yeah, I have anger toward idiots in the medical profession who want to help people but don’t do a damn thing to actually help. Like why spend thousands of dollars for med school if you don’t care? I don’t get it.

My new favorite country artist Cam posted on either twitter or Instagram about her first number 1 called burning house. I bought it today. I would have bought the album but I’m kind of short on funds. It’s a cool song. Her latest hit, Diane, is my favorite. Just watching the video I fell in love with her. Sadly, she is too young for me and married. But I can admire her from a distance. She is very pretty with her curly blonde hair. I’m starting to think I have a thing for blondes and red heads as most of the women I like have those kinds of hair. I’ll find my love one day, maybe.