Tag: bipolar disorder

Saturday of pain 10 Mar 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday of pain 10 Mar 18

Since I woke up this morning, my malleolus has been a 10/10 pain. I thought I was going to have a good day as for the first time in weeks, I slept through the night. I wanted to make a dirty gravy but that wasn’t happening as I could barely stand. I am going to try and just ground the beef and save it for tomorrow. I had asked my brother in law to get me some hamburger rolls but he didn’t go to the grocery store today as he was working. He said he would get them tomorrow. I wanted to make Manwich. Oh well.

I tried napping and not moving as much but that is impossible. Pain went down to about an 8, then moved to the front of my ankle. When it was time for my regular pain meds, I just took them and within minutes, that part of my ankle spiked. I cried. There was nothing else I could do. I can’t move. I tried listening to music but it just annoyed me. I wanted to watch the baseball game but it was delayed due to rain. I was going to turn it on when I got back to my room but I wanted to try and nap. I had taken an Ativan to try and calm down as I feel so much anxiety, like OMG what the hell can I do to get rid of this pain???!!! It is so overwhelming. I have had pain like this before but never this severe and for so long. It’s going on almost eight hours.

I had posted to my support group what my cooking plans were and that I wasn’t able to do it. They had no idea what a “dirty gravy” was so I had to explain. Then a few wanted the recipe so rather than make a long post, I just made a blog. It was all from memory though I think I said too much of the herbs. I usually just eyeball the stuff. I never measure as I have made it so many times. I think the more herbs are better anyway. I did give the option of using onion. Some people like it. I don’t, though now that I know I can buy diced onion, I might use it more.

I hope this pain is the after effects of the storm. Now my foot is acting up. I thought about using lidocaine or the diclofenac gel but I really don’t want to touch it. It is so fricken painful. I wish I could have my “normal” pain back but it’s been so long since I had it, I forgot what it felt like. I know my pain used to be a 3 and light throbbing. Now it’s a 6 with heavy throbbing. I can’t remember when it was below a 6. I can usually handle the pain at this level, but the bone pain has been something I have not been able to bear. Nothing seems to help it. I took some 800 mg of ibuprofen to see if that helps at all. It’s supposed to be good for bone pain, but I don’t know at the intensity that I am feeling it.

My mother is going to make hamburgers for dinner. I told her there was no way I could cook. I hurt too much to stand. Just standing for 6 mins for my frozen dinner was agony. She makes better burgers than I do anyway. Maybe I will make some tater tots. I can just throw them in the oven for twenty minutes. I don’t like when my mother makes them as she doesn’t cook them at the temperature on the directions nor for as long as they say. It’s like eating raw potatoes. My mother doesn’t like it when I make them crispy but I love crispy potatoes. It’s what makes them so good. I will sometimes have tater tots for dinner, just tots nothing else. Or hash browns. I love potatoes. I have been craving red potato salad, either with mayo or oil and vinegar, I don’t care. I just got to buy the potatoes. I’ll put that on my list of things to buy. Sucks when you can only get things once a month when that is when you get paid. With all this pain, I doubt I would be able to hold a job again, even if it was part time. I have no idea what I would do other than office work, as long as there wasn’t too much bending and lifting. I can’t really bend down to pick up stuff and I can’t lift anything greater than 10-15 lbs. because of my back issues. Sucks.

Today’s blog is a pain rant that is nothing but crap

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I woke up in the middle of the night again, though I am not really sure why. I think my pain meds wore off and I woke up in pain but I don’t remember. I went back to sleep for a few hours until my med alarm went off. I took my BP med and then used the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and then went back to my room, where I almost fell asleep again. Luckily, I was able to shake off the sleepiness off enough to get dressed. My mother wanted me to throw the trash away and take the recycling down. I said I’d take one down and she said trash.

It was sunny out and the bus seemed to take forever. There was a kid that was very talkative to his or her mother. I don’t remember the sex of the child. I got to Starbucks and they didn’t have my favorite sandwich. I had to get one I didn’t like as much. I was feeling weird and didn’t know why. It was probably because I was late with my pain meds. I meant to take them but forgot.

I got to my appt. The new eye doc was okay. She wasn’t as friendly as my old one or as thorough. Even though there was a word I couldn’t make out with the different lenses, she didn’t take the time until I could read it. She said my vision changed a little and then gave me my new prescription. Whatever. I checked out some glasses. There wasn’t anything that really caught my eye. I found out my insurance will cover up to $150, so that was good. I will get my glasses there when my check comes in next.

Came home and my foot was smarting. I took my pain meds. I wasn’t wearing thick socks so my feet were freezing. It’s now several hours since I came home and my CRPS foot is still fricken cold despite wearing thermal socks. The pain has gotten steadily worse. By dinner I was limping again.

Hope tonight is not going to be another long night. I don’t think I can ever make up the sleep I have lost, even if I slept for weeks. I was talking to my friend in South Africa about the lack of pain care I have been receiving because of the stupid “epidemic”. He suggested that I emigrate somewhere that might be able to help me. I don’t know if I could leave the country. I have thought of going to Canada but that is only because of my fear of discrimination over being transgender. Canada is having their own problem with pain meds so I won’t be able to go there. A few of my Canadian friends are not being helped. I wish they would break down the damn overdoses to what they were exactly rather than lump them in a fucking opioid category. If heroin or fentanyl is what killed them, that is what the OD should say. Just pisses me off.

Just some random nonsense

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Tree across the street from me that fell during a storm last summer. Thought it looked cool with the snow on it.

Just some random nonsense

Because of the storm, I think plows were on my street at like 4. I woke up to a beeping noise. When I went to turn over to check the time, holy fucking pain. My ankle did not like the pressure I was putting on it to move. It felt like I was ripping my ankle off. That kept me up for a couple of hours. Then I got hungry and made a peanut butter and jelly wrap. I was able to get back to sleep.

My niece didn’t have school today because of the snow. When I woke up later, I went downstairs to check on her. She was on her laptop and I asked her if she ate. She said some gummy snacks. I asked her if she wanted eggs and she said yes. I made them for her and she ate them. I went back upstairs to make myself some coffee. I wasn’t really hungry. I just had some cookies while drinking my coffee. My mother was annoying me with the loudness of the TV. I wanted to go out but it was still snowing. I am glad I have an appt tomorrow so I can leave the house. I can’t stand the TV anymore. She has to have it on, even if she is not even watching the damn thing.

I’ve been fighting the urge to sleep since I got up around 11. Even after my coffee, I felt so tired. I took the recycle out and went downstairs with some recycles to put in the bin. The bin was outside as my brother in law had put it out for today. I just reached it when my ankle decided it had enough of me walking. It hurt so bad. I wheeled the bin to our driveway and then limped back to the house to see if my niece was hungry. She wasn’t so I went back upstairs. I didn’t want to do a damn thing at this point, except cut my damn ankle off. I read twitter and then my sister called me to check on my niece. I told her things were okay.

I feel so weak from fatigue. I can’t stand waking up in the middle of the night or staying up all night in pain anymore. I am sure I am draining my stress hormones by not getting a good night sleep.

Pity Party

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Pity Party

I rarely have pity parties. But tonight, something embarrassing happened to me that has been happening for a while and it just hit the wrong nerve. It depressed me because despite recovering from cauda equina syndrome (CES), not once but twice, I was ultimately disabled because of CRPS and chronic pain. Whether CES had a hand in it, I don’t know. It is doubtful as my last surgery was four years before my injury, a sprained ankle that was caused by intense spasms of my foot and ankle. That surgery was higher up the spine than my first surgery so I am not sure it affected my ankle and foot. There are a lot of what ifs, and I was pondering them today. Then the embarrassing incident happened and it hit me in the gut.

I can’t do much over what I have been dealt. I try to move on as best I can despite horrible pain. I am grateful my hands and upper extremities are not affected by pain. I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t write anymore. I know there are speech to text things but I like the feel of pen on paper or the keys of the keyboard. I have my outlet with my blog to talk about how crappy the pain is and how it brings on my suicidality.

I was talking to my voices today, as I often do. We were discussing the use of testosterone and the effects of what they would do to me. That is if I don’t kill myself when I plan on it, which is soon. It all depends on how next week goes. I am nervous about it. I have even thought about assisted suicide, which may mean leaving the state and going to Oregon where it is legal there. It might take me a few months to save up for it, but what the hell. I can’t seem to get it right on my own. If a doc can prescribe me something to end it, that will help me. I don’t want to be in this level of pain or worse as I get older. It’s bad enough that just making my bed hurts. Making breakfast should not cause pain and I’m not talking something fancy, just making scrambled eggs and toast is a chore. I wanted to go to Starbucks today but my back was too painful because of the shitty weather, which is going to continue until tomorrow afternoon/evening. I’ll probably be in pain the rest of the week, more than my usual pain.

Right now my foot feels like it is being crushed. I’ve had to take my strong pain pill to quiet it down. That was an hour ago and I am still hurting. I am so frustrated that I have to wait for meds to work. Sometimes it’s 45 minutes. Others, up to two hours. I play with the Neurontin dose because I don’t want to be foggy the next day. I’ll take anywhere from 600 mg to 1200 mg a night. Some nights I don’t need it. It all depends. But when I flare, all the guns need firing. Pain today has been mostly in my foot. But my ankle hurt briefly. It piggybacks going up and down, from foot to ankle and back again. Sometimes it is the same pain, sometimes it’s a different pain in the different area of my foot or ankle. I never know what kind of pain I will get. The bone pain is the worse because that is harder to treat. It can be my malleolus or the metatarsals. And is always severe, like can’t move at all severe. I wish there was just one pill I could take for all of the CRPS pain. But there isn’t. And then there is an MGH resident that says opioids don’t work on pain at all. I like him to have CRPS. The meds might not take away my pain 100% but it brings it to a bearable level and that is all I need. Lately my pain has been rampant, a 7 or higher. Used to be a 6, now a 7 is my new “normal”. Before then, it was a 3. That was at least two years ago, maybe? What happens when my pain is a 10 every day? I probably won’t be alive to know. I hope so, anyway.