Tag: Blogging

the 4 AM painsomnia blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

The 4 AM Painsomnia blog

It is a little after 0400 and I still have not slept a wink. Pain is keeping me up. I have tried different drugs and was getting ready to settle down about a half hour ago, when I moved my ankle to get comfy and was rewarded with more pain. I am so tired, physically and mentally, of this crap. I don’t understand how normal movements of my ankle the way it is supposed to work are causing me loads of pain. It doesn’t make sense. Maybe my neuro can help me. I see her in a couple of weeks.

I have been adding apps to my phone. I still haven’t made the playlists on my MP3 player. That will involve my old phone and mega time. I actually don’t know if the songs will be on the old phone because I took out the storage card. It had all my music on it. Will really suck if I have to create each playlist and then try to remember what songs were in it. I had a good list going, too. Should have written it down before pulling the card out. Oh well.

I took my pain meds a little while ago, before my pain really hit skyrocket levels. I am debating on taking the strong pain med and another Ativan. With any luck I will be asleep by 0530. I hate when I am up all night. I probably will be sleeping all morning and into the afternoon again. I feel like waking my mother up and telling her I am going to sleep now so she has some idea that I don’t sleep when I am in my room. I could do it just to be a bastard.

I think the CRPS is spreading up my leg. Lately, I have been getting pains above my ankle, nerve pain, on the same side where my ankle hurts and where originally the swelling was greatest. It hasn’t hurt like that in a while so I thought it had gone away. Now it doesn’t seem to be the case. It just causes me to have hypervigilance and anxiety with my PTSD symptoms. That’s why I wanted to take the strong pain med and Ativan. Kill two birds with one stone. And it might help me doze off.

I keep trying to ignore the pain but it is throbbing and it changes and moves all over the place. One side of my foot will feel one thing, the top of my foot will feel another. My toes will feel something else and my ankle will just have several kinds of pain all at once. It can be up, down, and all around. There is no rhyme or reason to it, which is so frustrating. I took some Neurontin for the burning pain and applied Lidocaine so numb it. Then I move my ankle to get comfy and was overwhelmed with pain again just as I thought it was finally settling down. Fucker. It’s awake so so am I.

I took the meds. Fuck it. I need relief and sleep. I got to wait an hour or so for the Ativan to work. I was watching videos on Facebook. One of them was about how to cook eggs easily. It showed how to unpeel a boiled egg in a container after putting some water and then shaking it with a cover on the container. It was cool. Also showed how to make a poached egg in the microwave. I’ll have to see it again to learn how. I like poached eggs once in a while but they can be messy when you make it by pan. I saved the link so I have it in my saved thingy. I really like that option.

My sister thawed out burgers so she will be making them today. I know I am going to have a couple! That is my favorite summer food. I want to buy the grill thingy that you put on the stove to grill things without mess. I should have written down the number or the website. Maybe they will have it at Walgreens in the “shown on tv” section. It would be awesome to make grilled stuff year round. So when I wake up from my “nap”, the food should be ready, lol. I wish I had bought cole slaw with my grocery order. Maybe I will get it when I go grocery shopping later today. I need to get my bread that wasn’t delivered. My mother buys wheat bread, which is okay, but I like multigrain bread. It just tastes good. I also plan on buying some deli turkey breast. Boar’s Head just came out with a new kind called Maple Honey Turkey breast. I want to try it. I also want to get more ribs. They are so good.

I know I take a lot of psych meds, but having to take all these pain meds drives me nuts. It’s only because the pain changes so I need to adjust the dose or take lidocaine or Neurontin more because I know the opioids won’t respond to it. I never get to a zero but a three would be nice every once in a while. Someone liked one of my low pain tweets about wanting to shower on Twitter. It was back in June. Long time since that day. I think the weather has caused my pain to spike. It decreased another 10 degrees. It’s 57 degrees F right now. It was 70 degrees when I woke up at 1415, so many hours ago. So what is that, 13 degrees in a little more than 12 hours? No wonder I am in pain. Fucking human barometer I am. SUCKS!!

Just another painful day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Just another painful day

The temps jumped twenty degrees so my back didn’t like it at all. I have been in pain since I woke up. I didn’t take anything because I thought just resting it would help. I checked on my niece and then the package from Sprint came. She was having a bowl of cereal. I brought the package to my room and then slept. I didn’t mean to sleep the afternoon away but seeing as I have been up in pain most of the night, I was tired.

My mother woke me up around 1530. I checked to see when the next bus was coming. She was making fish for dinner and I didn’t want that. I wanted a burrito. I should have stayed home but I wanted to take my niece out. I texted her to see if she still wanted to go out and she did. I got dressed and then went downstairs to hurry her up. She was taking forever. Finally, she was ready and we walked to the bus stop. My back was killing me by the time we got there. I gingerly sat down on the bench. It was humid out. We waited for the bus and I thought the age for the bus was 12 and under but it was 11 so I had to pay for my niece.

We both had burritos and it was good. I didn’t have anymore cash on me for the bus so I had to go to CVS to get cash back. We just missed the bus so had to wait for the next one. My niece was like can’t we go to the other stop and I was like no way. My back is not going to make it. It was really hurting by the time we finished dinner.

I had to stop at Walgreens to pick up my prescription and my niece wanted a snack. I gave her the rest of my cash to get it but I also got a chocolate bar. She is too funny. I dropped her home as her mother was there and then went upstairs to my room. I immediately put the AC on. That sucker is not being turned off unless the temps drop again.

I still haven’t opened the package with my phones. I was checking out the screen protector that I bought and it looks like it’s going to be a project. Any protector that needs directions with a glue stick is a project. I’m not looking forward to it but oh well. Sprint has yet to send me the return kit or charge me $400 for the return of the phone. Now that I think of it, I should have just kept the phone and then upgraded my line. Comes out the same. But I am going to take my night meds and deal with it tomorrow. I don’t have the brain power to do it today.

Ramblings 474

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Ramblings 474

Today’s pain is not much different than it has been in the early morning hours. My ankle gave way just as I was having supper. I am in mega pain now. I have been trying to relax all day. I watched the movie Moana as it was free on Netflix. It was a good distraction and I really liked the movie.

It rained today so my back was acting up. It has settled down now but it’s muggy so I have the AC going. I can’t stand humidity at all. I emailed my psych to ask for a refill for the Invega as I would run out before I see her next. It’s ready at the pharmacy but I will pick it up tomorrow. I am hurting too much to walk outside. I am watching my niece tomorrow and was going to take her for lunch but I just got email saying my phones will be delivered tomorrow. I will wait for the delivery and then take her out. We’ll have lunch at Chipotle’s. This is the plan as long as I am not being tortured by my ankle. I just found out that it’s supposed to rain tomorrow and all weekend so I may not go out as planned. My sister will be leaving me cash so maybe I’ll just order pizza and fries for us.

I had taken an Ativan when the pain started to get really bad so I could possibly take a nap. I watched the movie instead and that helped to settle down the pain anxiety I was feeling. I really just want to chop my ankle off. It is so uncomfortable and I hate being so miserable all the damn time. It’s like every day I keep on having severe pain and I just can’t keep up with it. I’ve been taking my meds around the clock and they do work to lower the level of pain but it’s still there all the time. I’m never at a zero. My foot and ankle always tell me it is there. I hate it.

I’m going to try and go to sleep at a decent hour so I don’t wake up in the middle of the night. Think I will take a strong pain med at bedtime and see if that prevents me from waking up in the early morning hours. I need to sleep. There is no baseball game today as they are off. They won yesterday. It was a day game but because I was on the phone most of the day with Sprint, I didn’t watch or listen to it. I just caught the score on Facebook. The rookie had his first major league hit with a homerun. That was sweet. I hope we get good things from him and that management didn’t bring him up too early.

Was going through Twitter and Jason Aldean tweeted his video for his song “Night Train” and it brought back memories of his album. Now I am listening to it. I love these songs. I think this was the last Jason Aldean album that I bought. The rest of his songs are just individually purchased.

I am to take my night meds in about an hour. I will take the strong pain pill then. I need to try and get this pain under control. I know it is sometimes an uphill battle because all it takes is movement or a touch to set off my pain. It is so frustrating. I need to take a shower but it’s not happening tonight. Maybe tomorrow morning. My pain levels tend to be lower in the morning than any other time of day, not always but usually. If I have severe pain in the morning, it doesn’t bode well for a good day.

The pain group coordinator’s office staff called me to set up an appointment. It’s in October. Lovely. My October schedule seems to be getting filled. I see my PCP, the new neuro, and now this coordinator. I don’t know why I have to have a new intake when I saw her a few months ago. The only thing new is that I am seeing a therapist, which was her requirement before I went to the group. I don’t really care. The way that things are going, I might not be around come October so it doesn’t really matter.

Midnightdemon Blog 27 July 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Midnightdemon Blog 27 July 2017

I woke up a little after 0130 in pain. It felt like someone was grabbing my foot and trying to squeeze the crap out of it. I took some more Neurontin and my pain meds. I was able to talk with a couple members of the CRPS group on Facebook. It was nice that I was being heard and understood. I don’t know why my pain is so bad these days. It doesn’t seem to take much for it to set it off. I swear when I took off my sock on my bad foot, it set it off.

I think I finally did the ordering for my upgrade and the additional line. The customer service order department wiped out the order and the phone that I received, I have to return. Seems kind of silly that I need to return the new phone to get a new phone. But whatever. As long as I don’t have to pay for three phones a month, I will be happy. Right now, the cancellation hasn’t gone through as the woman said my bill will be $400 until my return is processed. She is sending me the return kit. Right now because I had to do two orders, my account has a negative balance from the payments. It was so tiring to be on the phone with them. I swear it was all afternoon as I was just put on hold for most of the time. I hope the issue is resolved and I’m not paying a shitload next month.

I really love the CRPS UK group on Facebook. The people there are so kind and willing to help you out in anyway they can. I give back when I can. Some of the posts I can’t respond to because they are UK related, like disability keys and other admin from NHS or the government. But I can relate to pain posts and support those people. I love that everyone tries to help and responds to the posts. I have really gotten along with the founder of the group. She is so great. We were talking and I told her about how I was going to change my name to GC eventually. She was understanding and supportive.

I know I am going to have a shitty day because I am up in the middle of the night. I am not planning on going out at all. I want to rest my foot as much as possible. Sadly, I overspent and I don’t have much money to go on the cruise. I wanted at least $80 and I think I have like half that after all my bills are paid. I can’t touch my account until Friday. I wanted to get a haircut but it doesn’t seem like that is going to happen. I look like a Chia pet, my hair is just sprouting all out because it is growing like a weed. The parts that I have shaved before my admission to the hospital has grown out and is now even with the parts I didn’t shave. My hair grows so fast. I might have to withdraw from my savings if I don’t have enough cash on me.

There has been a lot of talk about transgender yesterday because the Orange Cheeto said they can no longer serve in the US military. Basically, it is because it “costs too much”. But yet they spend money on Viagra which is more expensive than the hormone therapy. I am very pissed off. I am so tired of the Cheeto not making good on his “promises” in his campaign and then has stupid rallies like he is still running for president. The guy is so deluded it’s not funny. It’s so sad that Congress is not doing anything to get rid of him. He is a lying piece of shit. I often call him a dumbfuck when I respond to his tweets. I can’t help it. He just pisses me off with his dumbass tweets.

I’m getting sleepy but I am also hungry. Think I will have a bowl of granola cereal and then try and sleep. Thing is, I really don’t want to go downstairs but I know I won’t be able to sleep unless I eat something. I wish I had something in my room. I used to have protein bars but I don’t anymore. I have to order some more.