Tag: chronic illness

physical therapy and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Physical therapy and other things

I didn’t sleep well. I kept on waking up with a crushing feeling on my foot. It was awful. I couldn’t do anything about it because I had already taken my pain meds and I didn’t want to take the strong pain meds because I had to be out and about by noon. I wasn’t in severe pain but it was just wicked uncomfortable and kept me from sleeping.

I finally woke up around 1045 or so, which left me 45 mins to get ready to catch the bus. I got up and my right leg nearly collapsed. My calf was hurting. If I didn’t have to go to the bathroom right then and there, I probably would have cancelled my PT appt. Once I started walking, my leg got better. I brushed my teeth after I used the bathroom. I didn’t brush yesterday as I just forgot to. I went back upstairs and I had to get dressed. It was cold. I then had the indecision on what to wear. I had several hoodies and sweaters. I couldn’t decide so just grabbed one. It caused an avalanche of the stuff on top. Great. I put things back and stayed for a while to make sure it wouldn’t fall again. A box I was saving fell so it went to the recycle bin as I left. I didn’t wear a baseball hat. I haven’t been wearing them lately. I guess with my hair being so short, none of them fit like they used to so will drop down and I’ve been getting annoyed having to constantly adjust it.

I went to the bus stop and waited. After fifteen minutes, my head was getting cold. I took out my knitted beanie. The bus came and there was no traffic at all. Quite unusual. I got to the PT place with 45 mins to spare. I checked my bank account and had a few dollars. I decided to get a donut as I was hungry. I should have brought the half sandwich from last night’s dinner but I wasn’t thinking. After I ate, I went to check in. My therapist came out as cheery as she is. She makes me laugh. She asked me how my pain was. God I HATE that question. How do you answer it when the “normal” pain chart doesn’t apply to you?? I just said a 7 as my foot felt like it was being crushed. She said that was lower than it was last time. (I last saw her in Oct, did she think my pain was going to stay a 9???) We talked about how things were going and she apologized to me about not letting the other PT at the brace clinic know my pronouns. She said it was a computer glitch and she corrected it as we spoke. She asked me what my sexuality was. I told her I am not sure. I love women and I am a transgender male so I am not sure what that makes me. She said once I am surgically corrected, I could be then in the male category of things. I said I understood. Unfortunately, until I do have surgery, I have to stay female in my medical records, just for my insurance to cover treatment and things. I found that out when I was researching how to change my gender on my license.

She started with some exercises as she felt it was time to move on in our therapy. Fine with me. She said that if any of them hurt, I could stop. So we went through different ones. One of them caused my upper back to cramp up so we definitely stopped that one until it settled down. She said it was because I was going it wrong or something like that. No kidding. She did say that my left quad was not having the same response as my right. I said that was most likely due to my weakness when the disc fragment was in my L3 nerve root. I told her about the cramping of my right leg calf and she gave me some exercises. I am glad she asked me how I was doing them because I was turning my right foot outward and it is supposed to be straight, with the toes facing the wall. OH, that was why I wasn’t getting a stretch. She also said that if I wasn’t getting a stretch to put a towel or something under the ball of my foot to raise the heel a little bit. Good to know. We tried different stuff to get the stretch of the various leg parts. She then wrote them down for me so I could remember how to do them. I probably will forget but she said I could email her with any questions. I really like that she is this awesome! She wanted me to see her twice a week but I got stuff planned the next few weeks so that isn’t going to work. She said as long as I was walking almost every day, that was the important thing.

I went to the pharmacy to fill my pain meds. I was dead tired and wicked hungry by the time I got home. The house was hot, which meant my mother turned up the damn heat. My aunt, cousin, and sister was over. I wanted some soup so as I brought it to the kitchen, I asked my aunt if she wanted some. Fucking lunatic then asked if I was trying to kill her. Who the fuck does that. I walked to the counter and then said if she didn’t want it, all she had to say was no, not give me an explanation or medical results of her cholesterol levels. Seriously, I don’t fucking care!! By the time I was done with my soup, my aunt and sister left. As hot as it was in the house, my foot because a brick of ice. I went up to my room to change into my PJs and threw on some thermal socks to warm up my foot. It was sweltering in my room. I turned down the heat before coming up to my room. There was no way I was going to keep it at 80.

I wanted to order some salsa with the chips I bought. When I open the app, I found that there were some changes to my cart. I checked what it was and they took off my shrimp because it was out of stock. I guess I will have to make the appetizers my friend showed me another time. The delivery will be tomorrow evening. I can’t wait to make chicken Caesar salad wraps. I also bought my cereal as I am all out. I hope the food lasts until my next pay period.

My neurologist still hasn’t responded to my email. I might call the office tomorrow and see if he is in the office this week. He might be off and that is why he hasn’t responded. I don’t know. I am hurting big time so I just took some Neurontin to try and settle the pain. I hope I am not up all night in pain. That would suck.

a little bit of everything Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A little of everything Monday

I got about 5 hours sleep. I then went to Starbucks after making a PB&J sandwich for lunch. I ordered 6 shots of espresso and a donut. I wrote a little bit before I had to leave to see my psychiatrist. I kind of left early so had like a half hour to kill. I didn’t want to check in that early so I just found a bench outside the office and wrote a little more in my journal.

The appt did not go very well. I told her about having to go through withdrawal last week because I was late in taking my pain meds and she called me an addict. I tried to correct her saying I was dependent but it fell on deaf ears. She kept repeating addict and it make me hurt so bad. I seriously didn’t expect this from someone I have known nearly 25 years. She was being ignorant but it hurt none the less. I vented to my support group about it. I would school her later.

After the appt, I went to the Sprint store to change my name now that I have changed my license. It took maybe 10 mins. Crap. I still had like 2 hours before I had therapy. I went to a Starbucks by my therapist’s office and just ordered hot water for tea. I made Earl Grey. I waited for it to cool so I wouldn’t burn myself. The water was wicked hot. I wrote in my journal about what my psychiatrist had said. I then posted to a Facebook pain group if they had any information about the difference between addiction and dependence. The bathroom at Starbucks was out of order so I left to go to my therapist office. All the drinking fluids was building up and needed relieving. I just made it to the bathroom in time.

Therapy sucked. I told him about what my psych said and he said I should ask her what she meant. After discussing that, I just rambled about anything to make the time pass. I didn’t bring up mommy and daddy issues but the idiot asked me again what was my pain like. I swear he thinks I am making shit up. I told him it varies and depends on where the pain is. It is usually half my foot/ankle going outward starting about the 3rd toe. I told him I got depressed and hopeless and it was hard to keep up the mental stuff with the PT exercises the PT gave me. He said just do them. Yeah, cause it is that fucking easy. Are you serious?? He just annoyed me more than my psych ever did in all the years we worked together.

I get home and on the way, my cousin called me. He was unable to call the bank like he said he would to get information for me. Lazy ass. He said he would tomorrow. Sure, and I will win the lottery too. His mother really irked me because she called me while I was on my way to my psych appt. She wanted to know if my mother was okay. I told her she had to go to the bank, which her brother was going to take her. My mother wasn’t answering the phone. Well, maybe she was in the bathroom getting ready or taking a shit. I don’t know, I am not home. She got me fricken worried and all worked up. My psych sensed it when she saw me. I told her I would call my mother when I left as I was sure she was fine. She was. She was out and did some errands, which she obviously didn’t tell her sister. HOW DARE SHE! LOL fucking stupid bitch my aunt is. Freaks out all the fucking time over NOTHING!! I was so heated!

I get home and had something to eat before going to my room. I had a pile of mail. I brought it up to my room and then checked Facebook. The pain page responded with some links. I clicked on one and there was another link for a medical article on addiction and dependence. I opened it and read some of it. According to the article, because my pain is not adequately treated, I would have pseudoaddiction, where I watch the clock and appear “drug seeking” for relief of pain. I sent the PDF (attached to this blog APS_consensus_document here) to my psych along with saying that I felt hurt when she called me an addict. Then the tears flowed and I was a sobbing mess. It took me a good while to get composure. Then she responded and I bawled again. Fuck. She said it was not her intention to hurt me and that she didn’t want me to be dependent on the narcotics. Too late for that. And for that matter, I am dependent on my mood stabilizer, which I responded back to. I told her I didn’t want to be on opioids but the benefits outweighed the risk. I knew and accepted this just like I knew I needed meds for my mental illness. I told her the example of how I withdrew when I forgot to take my mood stabilizer for two days when my father was ill. I honestly didn’t think anything would happen but I had the same type of dizzy spell I had last week when I missed my pain med dose.

No one wants to be dependent on their meds but it happens to the best of us. I knew when I was 16 I would need to be on meds the rest of my life. There was no doubt about it. I had severe mental illness and the only way to manage it was through medication and therapy. Unfortunately, the therapy part hasn’t worked out yet. I can’t say I am cured, because I still have bouts of debilitating depression and suicidality. But lately, the pain has fucked up everything. Now I am depressed and suicidal due to a medical condition, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. And there is no fucking way to control it because it is as unpredictable as the New England weather. I don’t even have the same pain twice during a flare up. It is all fucking different as night is to day. The only type of pain that is somewhat consistent is the fucking malleolus pain and the pain that is where my outward ankle and foot merge, just under the malleolus moving toward the foot. This pain drives me up the fucking wall. I had to text the Crisis Text line last night because I needed someone to talk to at 0100. I didn’t get a “counselor” till 0200. By then, I was sleepy and hungry. I made something to eat and then I said night to the “counselor”. The whole thing was useless. She kept wanting me to do some coping skills. I kept wanting to talk about dying. She didn’t want to hear it. How is that helpful?? Next time, I just write in my journal or maybe blog and hope the cops don’t show up at my door.

The temp dropped to 32 degrees. I had to shut the window because it was flipping freezing in my room. My feet got cold as ice so had to put on thermal socks. Then I had to use the bathroom again. I figure I would take my night meds when I came back to my room. My mother wanted me to make her bed. I did. Then got tucked back to my bed only to realize I didn’t take my night meds! Fuck. My ankle didn’t like me getting up again. I quickly took them and then got back under the covers. I put on a long sleeved T shirt. If the heat kicked on, I will take it off. Shit my foot is burning right now. Neurontin time!

Oh, while I met with my psych, we discussed the drug Vimpat. I wanted to make sure there were no interactions with the Trileptal as they both work on the same sodium channel thing. Last thing I need is my sodium (blood salt) to drop. She was okay with me trying it so I emailed the neurologist to go ahead and call it in. He hasn’t so far. The script for a refill of Trileptal my psych put it, never made it to the pharmacy. I had to email her again. For some reason, it had to be reviewed by the pharmacist so it is delayed. I’ve been on this med for over 10 years. If it is not ready for pick up tomorrow, I am calling to find out why it is not ready. If I didn’t have all my meds at this pharmacy, I would switch to another one. But this one is the closest to me and has better service than Rite Aid.

Fare Thee Well

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Fare thee well

My favorite country music artist, Mary Chapin Carpenter posted a video of this song with her dog Finn. He passed away today. Her dogs are her life as most dogs and cats are. I love this song and she always has an awesome song to go with whatever I am feeling. She is a very passionate person. I have seen her almost every time she comes to Boston. One time I traveled to another part of Massachusetts just to see her. It was an awesome concert and worth the visit. I feel bad for Mary losing her dog. She got a puppy a few months ago and I hope it gives her some comfort during her grief.

I slept for about 4 hours and when I woke up, I was hungry. It was 4 am so made a fried egg and cheese muffin sandwich. I took some Neurontin and then slept for about twelve hours. My mother called me like three times. I called her when I woke up. She said she was worried because she hadn’t seen me all day. I guess I got caught up for all the sleep I lost last week. I still feel groggy but I am okay.

My “baby” is giving me trouble. I thought a 32 GB hard drive would be big enough for all that I wanted to do. NOT. I need a bigger hard drive. I couldn’t install some software because there was no memory left. I tried to delete all the crap Dell installed but it wasn’t enough for the software. Oh well. I will have to wait. At least I have my software for DVDs so I can watch movies.

I tried looking for my M*A*S*H DVD set but it wasn’t where I thought it would be. I found some new journals and other stuff but not what I was looking for. It’s probably somewhere else. I had to move some shit when the phone company came to fix my modem. It’s probably in one of those piles. I got rid of some stuff. Unfortunately, I ended up causing an avalanche on my bookcase. The stuff that was on top all fell. I’ll fix it another time. I need to find my DVD case so I can take the DVDs that I have an store them there rather than my bookcase. I finally found my Titanic movie. Maybe I will watch that tomorrow. I do have to go to my PCP’s office to pick up my scripts. I’ll make that trip tomorrow.

I really need a shower as I think the last time I showered was Sunday. Maybe I will before bed. I’ll use my shower gel that I like. I do have to use lotion afterwards as my skin is really dry. It gets that way every time the cold weather hits. I hate it because my skin is so scaly and itchy. But that will depend on whether or not my foot is okay. It is feeling okay now but standing for 10-15 mins might flare it a little bit.

will I ever have a low pain day??

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Will I ever have a low pain day??

I was texting a friend around 2200 last night and fell asleep on him. I didn’t mean it, it just happened. I woke up a couple hours later, around midnight, from a dream that I was in pain. Except it was true. I was in pain. The side of my foot was burning and then more pain happened as I sat up to take care of the burning pain. I didn’t go back to sleep again till around 5 after having a bowl of cereal. It was the last of my cereal that I had. My sister was going to get me some but I think she forgot. I slept for around 5 hours, waking up again in pain.

My brother in law was going to change my ceiling fan so I decided to shave and shower. My ankle didn’t like it one bit. I stood for too long. But I feel cleaner. My brother in law came home from his weekend trip but wasn’t feeling good. So much for him taking care of the ceiling fan. If I had the money, I would hire someone. I hate depending on him for things.

I went to my sister’s apartment for a plate of leftovers. I put it in for a little over 2 mins and it was half cold, half hot. I ate what was hot and then reheated the plate for another minute or so. My mother wanted tea so I made her and myself a cup. I also had some of my Nantucket cranberry cake. It was awful. The cranberries were terrible, though the cake part was good. I am never buying those brand again. I will only buy Ocean Spray.

Pain is leveling off but my ankle bone pain refuses to yield. I was in BPD chat when it started acting up. That was like 2 hours ago and the pain has only gone down a little bit. Might have to take the strong pain pill. It is always hard to tell if it will get better or worse in time. I hate the unpredictability of this condition. My foot is getting cold. That isn’t a good thing. Last night I was able to avoid wearing thermal socks. I don’t think I will be able to tonight. Temps are supposed to go to the 20s after 1900 or so. I was watching the weatherman’s tweet while I was up this morning. He said the temps were going to be all over the place. And so far they have been. Since putting on a hospital blanket, I have been warmer than using the comforter. Sometimes I need both but I then I get hot and need to take the comforter off. If I had known this thin blanket was so warm, I would have put it on my bed sooner!