Tag: chronic illness

Up Early again 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Up Early again

I woke up at 0330 to go to the bathroom and then couldn’t go back to sleep. I had some messages on my various apps so I checked them. One of the blogs I read had another blog from a different author so I decided to read that but it was so boring that I had to stop reading it half way through.

I woke up somewhat congested so I took my nasal spray to clear up my nasal passageways. It has been a few days since I last used it. I am supposed to use it every day but I forget sometimes. My ankle started flaring up soon as I got back to my room so I took some pain meds for it. Now I am just waiting for it to make me sleepy.

I feel really depressed. I know it’s because I keep dealing with physical pain more than anything. I just can’t get away from it and it’s really bringing me down. When I met with my PCP last week, I had to have him tell me I wasn’t an addict because the voices were harping on me again about that. He told me I wasn’t and I felt reassured. He understands that I am a person in chronic pain and need medication to relieve that pain. He really is a nice doctor. He is younger than I thought he would be, not that it matters. Sometimes they get these new doctors and you think they are older because they are new. But he was young. I hope he sticks it out with the practice.

Being up this early is going to ruin my whole day now. I am going to be sleepy. I wanted to go to the Square so I could get a burrito at Chipotle. I would have gone yesterday but I was too sleepy. I don’t know if I will be going to the hospital today. I got to wait for my psychiatrist to get back to me. I need to take a shower today because I haven’t taken one since Friday morning. I always tend to lose track of when I shower because it isn’t one of my top priorities.

I’m glad I checked my bag for T-shirts because I had only one packed. That wouldn’t do. I put in three more. That should be plenty for me. I also need to pack my coloring book and crayons. I think it would be nice to have them with me. I have decided that when I get discharged, I am not letting my therapist know. I will talk with her in the new year. I don’t care. I need a break from her antics.

I think I need to take an Ativan. My ankle is really hurting and it’s bringing my anxiety up. I hate when that happens. I haven’t decided how I am going to tell my mother I am going to the hospital. She always freaks out when I have to go in. And I always get the “whys”, like I don’t need to be in. She is not very understanding of my mental illness. I just hope when I get to the unit they don’t take away my shoelaces. Some units do that and it really bothers me when you have to re-lace your sneakers.

I hope that because I am in the hospital where my psychiatrist is, she can visit me. I would really like that. I just realized that because I will be in the hospital, I won’t be having any caffeine. That is really sad. I hope I don’t get a headache because of it. Those kinds of headaches suck.

5 O’Clock Pain hour and other thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Five O’clock Pain Hour and other thoughts

I woke up at 0500. Within a few minutes I was in pain. I took some meds and I have been thinking some stuff that is making me a little nervous. I keep thinking about going into the hospital. Trouble is that, I don’t want to go back to the unit I was on in May. They don’t have any real “treatment” so it would be a waste of time. If I go on the other unit my psychiatrist was telling me about, maybe I would have some kind of treatment. I am going to email my psych and see if she still wants me to go in the hospital. I had another suicidal moment last night and it was really scary. Luckily, I talked with a friend of mine from Canada.

I still don’t know what the plan is for my therapist and it’s giving me anxiety. I know she doesn’t want to quit on me but with me having an “adjunctive” therapist, I can’t see how we are going to work. I don’t understand why SHE can do the things that this therapist is going to do. She is supposed train in some DBT stuff and she has some trauma training. I just don’t see why suddenly she can’t help me. It’s so frustrating. I just feel like it’s my fault, that I did something wrong somehow. I know that is my defensive thinking going on. Whenever something goes wrong, I immediately think it’s my fault. But I don’t know where the fault is or what it is.

I went online to see how much glasses were. If I order them online it’s $125 dollars and that includes transition lenses. Thing is the glasses tend to not fit right. I have to play around with them to make them fit right. If I go to an optical place I know I will pay at least 3 times that amount. And I want to get a pair of sunglasses for driving. For some reason the transitions do not work when you are in a car, which makes it difficult to drive when it is sunny out.

I took a shower yesterday morning at like 0430. I just hope I didn’t wake up my sister and brother in law. My shower is above their bedroom. I cared but not really. I really needed a shower and had to shave. My trimmer ran out of gas so I have it charging now. I hope it charges. I tried to use it while plugged in and it didn’t work at all. It was dead. I really love this trimmer and I hope I didn’t let it die on me.

possible admission

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Possible admission

My psych called me after my last blog post. I was too drugged up to write what she said so I will write it now. She would like me to consider admission to her hospital where they have a med/psych unit. I told her let’s see how today’s appointments go. I packed a bag just in case. I have been up since 0330. I just finished taking a shower and ready to take a nap.

I have never been to this floor so I don’t know what to expect. I could be there a few days to a couple weeks. I just don’t know what the doctors are like or the nursing staff. I won’t carry my bags to the hospital, but I will leave them where my sister can get them to bring to me. It was easy packing as I really didn’t unpack since my last admission in May.

The shower wore me out. I feel like a ton of bricks have fallen on me. I had to shower because below my fat belly was a scratch that has become annoyingly irritated. I had a bandage on it and the adhesive irritated me more than the scratch. I had to shower to remove it before I caused more scratches. My skin is very sensitive and doesn’t take long for me to remove skin while scratching.

I hope this won’t be my last blog post for a while. I hope to have use of my phone while in the hospital. But if I don’t, I guess I won’t be blogging. I will write later if I can.

Pain changes

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Pain changes

I used to have pain that began anywhere between 1800-2300. Now it’s starting to happen around 1400 in the afternoon. WTF. It’s the same type of pain I experience at night, only earlier in the day now. And it lasts well into the evening. Because it’s day time, I can’t take a full dose of meds unless I know I am doing absolutely nothing the rest of the day because I am basically drugged up. It usually knocks me out and I sleep, which messes with my night time sleeping. Today I took one pain pill when I came home from Starbucks and then paged my psychiatrist because I felt uneasy.

I was supposed to kill myself today, so this pain isn’t helping that feeling of wanting to die. I told my therapist that I would use my crisis response plan if I was in trouble. I am not to the point of needing to go to the ER but I do need to talk to my psych because she can help calm me down. My therapist will just get excited and be no use to me then have to get off the phone with me, leaving me feeling in worse shape before she called. Least with my psychiatrist we can come up with some kind of plan until I meet with her tomorrow.

I took an Ativan because my anxiety was getting up. I feel mellow now. I also want to sleep but my psych hasn’t called back and I don’t want to miss her call. I guess it’s good that I am not anxious because I was going to ask her what the quickest way to amputate your limb would be, chainsaw or a sawzall.

I just had dinner so I shouldn’t have to go downstairs anymore unless I have to use the bathroom. Or want a snack. But I will only snack if my pain levels return to normal (which they won’t) or my doc calls and calms me down so I don’t do anything to harm myself in the mean time. I am so sick of this shit. The pain has taken a life of it’s own. I can understand hurting at night when I have done nothing all day. But to bother me in the day time hours, too? NO, I won’t stand for it. Something needs to be done. Though what that is, I have no fucking clue. I am sure my PCP that I see tomorrow is going to be just as clueless. Least my pain meds work on the pain so I don’t need to change meds.

Thing is, I didn’t do anything different today than I normally do. I didn’t stand for hours on the train or waiting for the bus. I didn’t walk more than I normally do. I was having an okay day until the damn pain hit. Then everything went out the fucking window and I wanted to fucking die. I still feel that way but it’s more manageable since I have taken the Ativan and pain meds to control some of the pain. I would love to take a nap but it’s too late for it. I will just take my meds early tonight and try and see if I can sleep at a decent hour. I got to leave the house early tomorrow. I just hope my pain doesn’t get worse as time goes on. Or the pain meds wear off in the middle of the night and I am in excruciating pain. That always is my worry.