Tag: chronic illness

Civic Duty and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Civic Duty and other things

I saw my neurologist, who wasn’t really helpful in figuring out why I listen to music in my head all the time. She thinks it might be my antipsychotic causing the problem, or some medication that I am taking. So as long as the lyrics don’t tell me to kill myself, I am to live with the music stuck, on repeat, in my head. Just fucking lovely. Not only do I have to live in pain, I got to deal with this bullshit.

After the appointment, I was kicking myself for not bringing my Kindle to read as it was a long train ride back to town. I decided to do my civic duty because they were holding city elections today. So I did that. As I just got off the bus, and the next one would probably be at least a half hour to an hour, I decided to walk home. I didn’t want to stand around for the next bus. It was a long walk but I was feeling okay. That all changed once I hit the main street where I live. I was maybe ¾ home when my ankle was saying fuck you. The other side of the street was blocked off with cones so I wasn’t sure if I could cross where I was. So I decided to be a good citizen and walk to the crosswalk as it was close to my house anyways. While going by a convenience store, I decided to play the Powerball game as it’s $555 million. I expected to be in and out but nope, I got behind a guy that was playing all sorts of numbers left and right. I was ready to just walk out when he finished playing close to $40 worth of lottery numbers. Unreal. I got my quick pick and hurried home. I was starving and I was getting hot because it was really humid out. The last time I ate was around 0530 this morning. And it was now around 1230.

I came home and made a cheeseburger. I cooked it really well. In fact, I think I overcooked it to my tastes but the burger was sitting in the fridge for a few days and I wanted it well done. My ankle was not happy with the cooking. I changed and went up to my room with the AC on and rested. About an hour later, exhaustion struck and I needed a nap. My cousin must have called about an hour later. I knew what that was about. My mother wasn’t home yet so that meant she went shopping. No way was I going up and down stairs with my ankle screaming at me. I ignored the calls. They knew I was home and my mother was bullshit. But my cousin is a fairly healthy male so why the fuck can’t he bring the bags upstairs?? It pisses me off that I am expected to just because I am home. So I didn’t care that my mother was mad. My ankle is killing me and I still have two appointments tomorrow that I need to attend to. I have no idea how I am going to manage. I need to get my pain meds refilled and I need to see my psychiatrist.

I am really hoping the “black box” warning I heard about doesn’t affect me tomorrow. I will really be bullshit if I don’t get my meds because of these stupid warnings. But I won’t know until then whether or not I will get my meds. It’s a worry that is in the back of my head.

I wrote a little bit in my journal this morning as I had time before my appointment. I had about an hour so I was really early. I rather be early than late anyways. And with the T, it’s better to be early. I just wish I had my Kindle so I could knock down some Dostoevsky. I really wasn’t thinking about it because I had such a shitty sleep and woke up an hour and a half before my alarm went off. I didn’t dare try to go back to sleep because I really wanted to make coffee. I made it perfectly and it was so good, I wish I had more so I could have had a second cup.

NYT Article

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Today, at this time, my article http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/09/08/love-hate-and-suicide/?_r=0
Was published a year ago, in the New York Times. It was a very proud moment for me. It still fills me with joy whenever I think about it. I wish I had written more stuff like this, but unfortunately, I don’t have control over my writing. Sometimes things come to me and it’s a hit. Sometimes it sucks but I write and publish it on my blog anyway because maybe someone can relate to it.

nyt_lovehatesuicide

In the picture, that is where it all started. On a notepad. I think I do most of my best writing when I handwrite. I just wrote something today and it was a little short of 850 words. I don’t know if it will ever be a prize like this New York Times article but it will be going in my book. I won’t be sharing it on my blog because there are somethings that I don’t want published. I have published so much of the book on my blog that it’s getting hard to write “original” stuff. Of course, I then edit the blogs so that they are formatted and not gibberish for the book. I am getting close to completing the book. I might be done by the end of this month if I really work on it.

Goofy Therapist

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Goofy therapist

Today’s therapy session was the goofiest I have had in a long time. I started off by calling her goofy and that was it. She was in hysterics for whatever reason. I told her about the dream I had last night where I could “fly” down stairs and while walking. In the same dream, I was getting away from someone as things had gone bad where I was, hence the reason for my flying. I went to a Starbucks that apparently I frequented so much that they wanted to name a drink after me. I woke up before I learned the name of the drink. I had just gone in there with the intention of getting a chili mocha, which I did have today. It was ok except they must have used non-fat milk which I don’t like. It tasted like a water mocha. Gross.

She was telling me how the sauce that I gave her was now gone and we were talking about food for a while in the midst of her trying to analyze this dream. I guess in the entry I wrote about how I was going to make ham and cheddar biscuits and she said that she needs to eat before we talk because I was making her hungry. Goofball, I am telling you. I didn’t tell her what I had for breakfast because I didn’t want her to drool anymore than she already was.

Also in the session with my therapist, once I was able to get her away from my dream analysis, she kind of understood now why my moods change so rapidly when I am in pain. I had started off with a day letter and then I wrote again around 11 pm (2305 to be precise). I wrote how bad the pain was and how much I wanted to end my life. We briefly talked about how much I wanted to end my life but she didn’t want me to, obviously. I kind of got upset at this, but I didn’t let on about it. There was no point because I would be talking to a wall. She gets why I want to kill myself and can see how my mood can change to radically, but she doesn’t want me to end my life over it. Typical. I wanted to tell her that I already had plans to but I just couldn’t. I really want to see the Frida Kahlo exhibit at the Museum of Fine Arts first.

After session, I returned my mother’s phone call. She always calls me during session. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Then she gets mad at me because god forbid I should have someone on the other line. She wanted to know if I was going out and I did tell her I planned to. She has been asking me every single day when am I going to the Square because the Family Dollar Store has soap on sale. I went today and there was no such sale. I bought two packages but didn’t tell my mother I paid the regular price. It was only 0.75 cents more.

While at Starbucks, I got two mochas, my chili mocha and a regular iced mocha. I got two in case I didn’t like the chili one. I didn’t like it so I am glad I had the other one to drink. I typed up my story from the other night. I couldn’t believe it was 21 words short of being 850 words! I was really mad at myself because I kind of left off at a cliffhanger. I couldn’t believe I left off at such an ending. I had wanted to write more but it was nearly 330 in the fucking morning so I went to sleep. I didn’t know I left off with such a dramatic stopping of words. I hate writing at night for this reason because once I lose my train of thought, it’s hard to get back into it. I did that with the “Roots” story I wrote. I had started that at the wee hours of the morning, too. So while I was thinking, I texted my therapist and read Twitter. I didn’t turn on the WiFi at Starbucks because it would be too much of a distraction to me. I could put my phone down, but wouldn’t be able to get off the browsers on my laptop. Then I knew I would get lazy and wouldn’t write anymore. After I bitched about being short on words, I went back to my document and wrote about 100 words. Final word count was 961. It’s still not finished yet so I am sure it will be around 1200 or more by the time I done with it. Using the font Comic Sans, I was able to get 2 and half pages of work done. Not bad. It kind of goes along with my other stories in the book so I hope it flows well.

With these 3 pages or so, I think that will bring my page count up to maybe 118 pages. I really want the book to have 200 pages, at least. This doesn’t include any introduction or preface or any other miscellaneous writing. I haven’t sorted out what that will look like yet, or if I really want to have that. In the memoir that I read last week, it had a page that stated this was a book based on her memories and experiences. I might follow that logic in my writing as I didn’t really take these writings from anywhere but my experiences. It’s sort of like a second memoir book that is just stories about my psychotic experiences and delusional thinking. It seems every psychotic/delusional episode I have is different and wild. Sometimes I write about them in my blog when they are over with. Unfortunately, the current delusion hasn’t passed entirely yet.

While I was taking out my laptop to return to my room, I came across a manila envelope that has my father’s health care proxy paperwork in it. I don’t think I need to be carrying that around anymore. Now it’s in my “office” on my bed. I don’t know what to do with it.

I need to get up early tomorrow to see my Neurologist. I need to take a shower tonight because I doubt there will be time in the morning as I am not a morning person. I basically won’t be watching the Sox game tonight as it’s on late. Game is on the west coast. Tomorrow also marks the anniversary of when I published for the New York Times. I just hope I wake up early enough to make coffee because I won’t be going to the Square until maybe the afternoon, after my appointment.

writing itch and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I wrote half of what I wanted to write today. I am feeling the writing itch come back to me and it’s good to have it back. I got to take advantage of it while it lasts. I did some editing for the book that I writing, which was good for me. I have another five pages or work so I am up to 120 pages today. Got 80 more to go. I want to write something like an introduction or maybe a preface. I am not sure what that will look like yet.

A friend of mine that I met while I was in the hospital texted me last night. I wasn’t in the mood for talking because it was really late and I was ready for bed. I texted her back this afternoon when I woke up. I just finished talking to her. I like talking with her as she understands what things are like. It’s rare to have a friendship like that. She wants to get together for lunch but I am not really up for it because she lives in the boonies of Mass. It will be really difficult to get to where she is because she is so far west of me, further out than my therapist. I don’t have a car so it’s really difficult to try and get together. I am not that crazy about meeting in person. She is nice and all but it’s been years since I last saw her.

I haven’t read anything today other than my writing. I sent the blog I wrote earlier to both my therapist and psychiatrist. It was just something I wanted to share. I hope they like it. I kind of tweaked it a bit for my book. I was able to stretch it a bit and write more on it.

Ankle has flared up some on me today. I don’t know why. I haven’t done anything all weekend to make it angry. But then, there is a storm flicking through the area. The wind is really terrible. I hope it passes without anyone getting hurt. My Sox are losing right now to the Padres. I thought it was going to be an easy win. I guessed wrong. I was listening to the radio until I couldn’t listen anymore. The announcer I can’t stand kept repeating himself and it got annoying. I am now listening to country radio.

I think I am going to make a cup of tea to help me sleep. It worked really well last night, though I had to pee a few times during the night. That part I didn’t like. Sox lost 2-1. Bummer. They will lose standings in the AL East if they keep dropping games.