Tag: chronic illness

Saturday Blog 56

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I had woken up at a decent hour but I was in pain. I took some meds and went back to sleep. I slept most of the day. I just had some breakfast/lunch. I am not that hungry for dinner. I have a splitting headache that is making me want my pillow.

It’s been a cloudy day for the most part. The only time I went outside was to check for mail. I found that someone had moved my bags and I am pissed at that. My sister wants the space that my bags are in to put a cabinet for her toiletries. I like having my bags near the door because then I don’t have to forget it and go back up the stairs for it, especially if I am in a rush to catch the bus.

Despite sleeping most of the day, I am still wicked tired. I tried watching the game but my headache got worse and my allergies were bad as the pollen kept blowing in the windows in the kitchen. It’s very cool out, only about 60 degrees. It’s been nice but I am back to wearing winter PJs. I was going to take a shower but I don’t feel like it. I am too tired. Maybe I will try tomorrow.

Because I woke up really late, I didn’t make coffee. I was having a weird dream about my friend in South Africa. I dreamt he came to Boston and I was wheeling him around in his wheelchair (he is disabled due to CES). I was taking him all around MGH for some reason. We also went swimming. Just as I was starting to wake up, I was going to take him for coffee and dinner. I think that was why coffee was on my brain. If it was an hour earlier, I would have made it. I usually like to have my coffee before 1500. Any time after that, and I run the risk of not sleeping well.

I don’t know if this headache is going to turn into a migraine or not. I took some Excedrin to calm it down. I still need to take my meds but it’s too early right now. Think I am going to just take trilafon now and then take the rest of my meds later tonight.

Random 667

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 667

I saw my neurologist today. It was more of a catch up appointment as I wasn’t really having too much nerve pain. I told her it had quieted down a month after my father’s death. She already knew so I didn’t have to tell her. I was grateful because I wasn’t sure how I was going to be if I had to tell her. I told her about the New York Times article, which I thought I sent her but I guess I didn’t because she doesn’t recall it. So I sent it to her this evening when I came home.

It took me a long time to get home than it did getting there. My ankle was a mess by the time I got home. I am glad I took my cane with me. I am in wicked pain and tomorrow I have to go out again. I don’t have to do much walking.

I should have taken a trilafon before leaving the house but I didn’t want to be drowsy. Big mistake. I got really paranoid and psychotic while on the bus and on the train. When I got to the new station I put my music on and it helped with the noises in my head. I knew I had a long train ride so I brought my Kindle. I read on the way to the appointment, which helped quiet down the voices more. By the time I reached my appointment, I was less paranoid. It helped that the train didn’t have that many people on it. I was going toward the end of the line anyways. Coming back home was a different story. Crowds were on the train as people were coming home from work and the places they were visiting. I was kicking myself for not bringing any meds with me.

I was starving by the time I reached home. I ordered a pastrami sub and fries. My mother bought me Oreo ice cream. I had a couple spoons and that was all I could stomach. I got pretty full off the fries. Oreos are my true cookie weakness. I had bought three packages of Oreo thins and I am down to my last pack. They are like potato chips, you can’t eat just one.

I forgot to tell my neuro about the atypical migraines. I guess we’ll have to wait and see if I get another one. I had a rough night sleeping. I went to bed around 2200 or a bit later and then woke up around midnight. I checked messages on my phone. I meant to take some meds because my arms were spazzing on me for some reason and felt like spaghetti. I rolled over on my back and fell asleep. I then woke up three hours later with my back hurting me. I can’t sleep on my back for this reason. I took some meds and waited for them to work.

While I was up, I wrote FB a message of what I just described. A friend in California texted me a little after I sent the message. It was almost 0400 and I had no idea who would be texting me at that hour. It was her. She had some news to tell me. So we talked for about an hour or until I got really drowsy from the meds. It was close to 0500 when I went back to sleep. When I woke up later this morning, I so needed coffee. I made my Pike’s and it was so good. I was contemplating going to Starbucks when I reached the Square on the way home but the bus was there and I really wanted to get home to take some pain meds. My ankle was not too happy with me. I forgot I had turned my phone’s sound off while I was at the doctor’s office. I had a missed call from my friend. She didn’t leave a message so I didn’t call her back. I am sure I will talk to her later tonight.

Saturday Blog 55

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 55

I just watched Italy lose in penalty kicks in the soccer game. Germany beat us. I am disappointed.

I slept somewhat normally and woke up at a normal hour. It was weird because my mother isn’t home. Last night she had another hypoglycemic episode that landed her in the hospital. She will be kept for one more night as her sugars are still not stable to be home. We don’t know what happened and she doesn’t remember anything other than her sugar being low and eating yogurt to bring it back up. I heard a thump last night and she fell off the toilet. It was really scary. I think it traumatized my sister more than it did me. My sister was trying to get her to drink juice and take the glucose but she was not really responding. Then when they gave her IV glucose, her sugar was up high but she still wasn’t responding. She didn’t wake up till around fifteen minutes later in the ambulance as we were taking her to the hospital. That is a long time to be out of it.

I am glad I wasn’t in the hospital because my mother would be dead. No one would find my mother until morning and only god knows what state she would have been in, especially with the heat that we are having.

I wanted to email my psychiatrist to let her know but didn’t feel like it. I see her Friday so will let her know then. I am still going to keep taking the trilafon as it is helping me right now. I usually take it before my night meds so the voices don’t know anything different. I have to sneak it. Once I am a bit more stable, I will take it more frequently, if I need to.

I wasn’t hungry for much of the day until I came home from visiting my mother in the hospital. Then the hungry horrors started. I had bought a sandwich so I ate that. Then I had a bag of microwave popcorn while I was watching the soccer game. I got the munchies while watching the overtime, so had some Oreos. I need to make the last hamburger patty I have in the fridge before it goes bad. That will be my dinner later.

Mood wise, I have been up and down. It was hard seeing my mother because she was on the same floor as my father a month before he died. I visited the lab where I used to work and there were only three people that I knew. One of them asked about my father as she knew he had been sick. I told her the sad news. She was wondering why I didn’t post it on Facebook and I told her the reasons why. However, I did post the obituary notice so she must have missed it. Another friend was asking me if I was on Twitter. I had to laugh because I am on Twitter all the time. I post almost every hour, if not every half hour, especially when I watch sports. Then it’s every play usually, lol.

I didn’t have coffee today though I really wanted one badly. My sister took us to the hospital this morning and dropped us off. I guess she couldn’t be on the same floor as my father either. I know she is still grieving.

I still have my stupid menses. I thought they were almost gone but when I came home last night, it was still there. I am so pissed off. I always know when it’s around 1830 because I get really drowsy for some reason. I have to fight it because if I do take a nap, I will be up all night. That’s not to say that if I fight it, I still won’t be up all night. I have been up all night or most of it because I just can’t sleep, even after taking my night time meds.

It’s like almost 80 degrees out and my feet are fucking freezing. I can never understand why in warm weather, with my feet under the blankets, my feet get cold. I have to put on thermal socks to warm them up. My mother thinks it’s because of the AC but not really as I have them protected by being UNDER the blankets. I just don’t get it.

Just another reason

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I didn’t take my trilafon last night so I have been hearing voices the past couple of hours. We have been having a grand conversation about things, most about what I should or shouldn’t do. I woke up later than I wanted to because I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I wish I had woken up just ten minutes sooner and I would have been able to catch the ten o’clock bus like I wanted to. But I didn’t so I had to wait an hour for the next bus to the Square. I got a large coffee, my favorite summer drink is the cold brew iced coffee at Starbucks with vanilla sweet cream. It’s so good. I had it with extra cream today and it was sweet. I am going to be so sad when they discontinue it. Any thing that I love, they discontinue. I am sure it is just for the summer and then it will be gone.

After I got my coffee, I left to go to my PCP’s office to get my prescription. It was really hot out as I was walking outside to get to the building where she is located. I was expecting the AC to be on freezing but it wasn’t. It was cool though. I got my script and then left to go home to get it filled. This would make my third or fourth trip to Walgreens this week. I waited for my meds and then came home. The mail lady was sitting in her truck so didn’t deliver the mail yet. She is so damn slow.

My ankle started hurting me on the walk home. I didn’t bring my cane with me and I wish I had. Damn foot just didn’t want to flex so I was somewhat lifting it or dragging it as I was walking the last leg of the way home. I took some pain medication soon as I got undressed and into my PJs. I am going to try and watch a movie today to keep from being on my feet. I don’t know if I will be successful as I am not that interested in a movie at the moment. I might read some. I am making progress in Brothers Karamazov, but I still have a few more books to go. I had no idea how religious the book is. It kind of reminds me when I was going to the Catholic church when I was younger. I never really read the bible unless there was some purpose in reading it, like say for a class project or something. I have tried to read the New Testament but could never get into it. I remember for my Russian class, we had to read a passage in the bible. Luckily, my niece had one. I also downloaded it on my Kindle app for my tablet. Unfortunately, you have to start from the beginning. You can’t go to sections that you want to read on it, which kind of stinks. Maybe with the Kindle Fire I can maneuver around more, if I choose to read it. I am staying away from all types of religion for now because it doesn’t help the delusions that I am having.

Mood wise, I have been all over the place. I have been feeling ok to feeling really depressed. I am still suicidal at times. I just hate being in pain. I just want to die so I don’t have to be anymore. The voices are making it tough to think straight. They are still wanting me to take most of my pills by the bottle. It’s a difficult fight. I know that I should probably be in the hospital but I just can’t bring myself to go in. I know I will be doped up and I don’t want that. Or they might restart the abilify and I don’t want to take that drug anymore. I know it helps quiet the voices. But I just can’t go back to taking it. I fear my life would be in more danger than it is battling myself. It’s been three weeks since I have been off this medication. I take the trilafon almost every other day, but not consistently. It helps keep things low key. I just need some time to sort things out for myself. I know it is dangerous and my therapist and psychiatrist are concerned about me and my safety. But they trust me, even if my judgement is impaired right now. I am still in control. I go to the hospital and things are out of my control. I won’t be able to take my pain meds when I want to take them. I will have to deal with feminine products because my fucking biology is messed up for whatever reason. I hate being in the hospital dealing with menses. I rather wait it out some more days to see if it goes away on its own. Otherwise I will stop the pill and see what happens. I should contact my repro endo doc and see if she has any ideas as to why I am fucking bleeding twice this month. Just another reason for me to kill myself.