Tag: chronic illness

new year’s eve eve

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

New year’s eve eve

I am in pain and having dark thoughts. My foot is being crushed and my ankle is being stabbed. CRPS is such a wonderful condition, isn’t it? I got up to get a thumb drive my friend’s hubby made for me so I can watch the stuff on it. I am not really planning on leaving my bed tomorrow, unless my pain is low. I am supposed to go to my sister’s party. We’ll see what kind of mood and how much pain I am in.

My baseball history book arrived tonight, an hour after they said it was supposed to be delivered. I am only guessing the weather had something to do with it. The roads are kind of icy due to snow and it being freezing out. I had to get the package before someone stole it. I already started Neil Gaiman’s book Neverwhere. It is okay so far, but I can tell it is going to be weird.

I tried writing in my journal a few hours ago. I got another dizzy spell. I think it was because I was late with my pain meds. I am feeling so tired and I want to sleep but my damn ankle and foot hurt too much. Just moving them on the bed to get comfortable is painful. I am in a rotten mood. I don’t know what I am going to do. I took my pain meds and now I just have to wait for them to work. Wait. That is all I fucking do with this stupid fucking condition. Wait for this and that all the fucking time. And while I am waiting, I hurt so damn bad. I just want to fucking die. What is the purpose of living anyway if you are just going to be in fucking pain??

I thought the new med was helping me but tonight it isn’t doing shit. I know it is making me tired like my other meds are. I can feel the effects but for some strange reason my brain is fighting off the sleep because of pain. I know when I lay down, I am going to hurt more and then it is going to be a lay down, sit up kind of night. I hate this game. It is not fun. I thought about watching a TV show, MASH or something but my brain is not going to be paying attention to it. It will be like background noise or something and I hate that. Why bother putting it on if you are not going to watch and pay attention to it?

I really want to die. I have the plans in my head but I don’t want to be found in my room. I am so fed up with myself for thinking these plans and never going through with any of them. I am such a coward. I hate myself. I guess the saying, “I have one option left, to suffer”, really is true. Makes me mad though. So very mad. Maybe I deserve it. I am just a scumbag. I get no peace because I am in pain all the fucking time and no medical professional cares enough to try and ease my pain. I am done with this shit. I don’t know when I will take my life but I will one day. Maybe some alcohol will give me the motivation I need to go through with it or something. I can’t go on like this. It is a joke. A big fucking joke.

Last Saturday Blog of 2017 (30 Dec)

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Last Saturday blog of 2017 (30 Dec)

I spent the day just lounging around. I had wanted to go to the store and mail a letter but it was too cold. My legs and ankle were hurting me from all the standing I did around yesterday. After I had breakfast, I went back to sleep and was having a weird dream about finding my work “box” full of tech stuff, like thumb drives and an old video game. I had opened the video game to see how many batteries it took and there were like a lot. I woke up sweating because my room got hot and I was under the blankets. I had shut off the ceiling fan because it got cool in my room. I really need to shower but my ankle won’t like it. I will tomorrow.

I had wanted to start reading another book but spent too much time on social media to start it. I made a cup of tea but didn’t finish it. I wanted coffee but my ankle wouldn’t like making it. Any standing and it has a fit.

My sister made rice balls and it came out really good. My mother made a kind of chop suey with the left over meat and peas. It was good. She will be making pizza and calzones for the party tomorrow. I hope my brother in law makes his chili. I love it. Last year I only had one bowl. It was gone, that is how good it was. He only makes it at New Years. My other sister make Baklava. I can’t wait to try it tomorrow.

Tuesday, I will have to go into the Square to deposit money in my checking account. I really fucked it up and am now overdrawn. I am such an idiot. I thought I could manage to get a haircut but I won’t be able to now. All because my memory sucks. If I had remembered that I had a bill pay for my therapist, I would have the money in my account and I wouldn’t have to worry so much about if I had enough to get my meds for the month. I know some of them will be affordable because they are generic, but the new one and Invega are the ones I am worrying about not being able to afford. I wish I could work so I can get a little extra pay during the month but I can barely keep my doctor’s appointments or physical therapy sessions as it is. Least I don’t have to pay my therapist until March! Longer if I skip appts. I think I am going to try every other week or so. There are Monday holidays coming up so it might work out that way.

I’ve been thinking about my former therapist. It still hurts that I am no longer seeing her. I can’t say that I have been better off as I have had more hospitalizations in a year than I have had in the 16 years I have seen her. I still get suicidal and may be more so if I don’t get my pain controlled pretty soon.

Man, I feel dizzy for some reason. Thought I was getting a migraine earlier so took some meds. The headache is gone but the world is spinning. Think I am going to lie down.

Frosty Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Frosty day

It was 1 degree when I woke up at 0500. It warmed up to about 4 around 1100 when I decided to go out and brave the cold. I didn’t want to but I had to pick up my scripts at my doctor’s office. I left the house too soon so I waited for almost 30 minutes for the bus. I was practically an ice cube. I got to Starbucks and ordered my drink wrong. I normally say 2 pumps of whatever syrup but I forgot to. I did remember to make a soy latte as the milk would have wrecked my bowels. I don’t know why their milk goes through me, but it does. Maybe because it is 2%, I don’t know. I had a turkey sandwich and then wrote in my journal. I left around 1400.

It didn’t take me long to get back to the Square after I left my doc’s office. I missed the bus by eight minutes, so I took another bus down the street and waited another 20 minutes for the bus home. The bench was cold as ice so sitting wasn’t an option. My ankle was not appreciative and for some reason my right calf was upset. It kept hurting like it was going to cramp or something. I tried stretching it but it didn’t work. I had to go to Walgreens to pick up my mood stabilizer and a couple of things for my mother. She had called me to grab one more thing but after waiting in line at the pharmacy, I forgot about it. I will try to remember when I go Tuesday.

I came out to thaw out. My thighs were frozen. It was mixed temps in my room. The window was blowing cold air and the radiator hot air so it took a while for me to warm up. I had no idea what I wanted for supper. My mother asked what I wanted and I told her I was going to make a cold cut sandwich. It didn’t appeal to her. I think she reheated some soup, which reminds me I can have clam chowder tomorrow. I forgot I have a can from when I shopped a couple of months ago.

I finished my friend’s book this morning. It was a good book. He was a very descriptive person. I liked the book. Now I think I will read Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman. I hope it is good. His books are a mix. You never know what you are going to get. I wish I had known one of his series of books were of the comic strip variety. I think they renamed them graphic novels. I don’t like them as I bought it on the Kindle and it is hard to read. I’ve never been into comic books. So I have a $20 set for nothing. Oh well. I really need to get my eyes examined. Even with my glasses I am having a hard time reading things. The print is too small or blurry. I’ve had to make some adjustments to my laptop as the print was microscopic. My right eye is bad as that is the one I am having trouble with, which tires out my left for compensating. I can’t remember when I last went to my eye doctor. They have some funny eye exam rules. One insurance says I can have an annual visit every 18 months and the other is every 2 years. I don’t know where I fall as I switched off. I guess I will call in the New year. I need to make sure my eye doc is still there. I had sent him a question via email and he said he was out of the country. I don’t know if that was a vacation trip or what. I really would hate to see someone else as I have been going to him since I was 19 or so. He is a very thorough doctor.

My ankle is really hurting. I hope I can sleep tonight. I know I had to walk around a lot today. I just hope it settles down some by the time I am ready for bed.

lazy day of doing nothing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Lazy day of doing nothing

I slept pretty well, around 7 hours according to my phone. I woke up around 7, still feeling good. I wasn’t in too much pain. I took my pain meds anyway and my blood pressure pills. Then had a bowl of cereal. I was making a cup of tea when my mother came down. I made her breakfast as she wasn’t feeling too good. It was cold, only 4 degrees out. I had thought about going out but it was freezing. After my mother was settled, I went upstairs with my tea. I read some of the book Tex, like 3 chapters. I finished my tea and then felt tired so I went back to sleep.

My mother called me around noon but I didn’t pick up. I fell back to sleep and woke up two hours later. I called her when my brain was working to see what she wanted. She asked if I was alive or dead. OK. Whatever. I went downstairs and made something to eat. My amazon delivery had arrived but I didn’t feel like going down to get it. They rang the bell. After I had lunch, I went down and got it and the mail. My protein bars and a few other items came. I had ordered a mat for the shower stall as it can get slippery. It was heavy. I hope it fits. I also got a wireless mouse to replace the one that broke. I keep hitting the buttons on the side as I am not used to them. I think they are going to drive me crazy.

I wanted a cup of tea after I played on my laptop for a bit. I wanted to finish Tex. I made my tea and then went back up to my room to read. Wow, SE Hinton always throws you a curve and a double whammy! The book was excellent. I now have read 14 books this year. I don’t think I can read 9 before Sunday so I am not going to make my challenge. I need to set limits on my social media and phone use so I can read more books. It’s not that I don’t have any to read. I think I am going to read the book my friend gave me a month or so ago. It’s short so I might be able to finish it before the year ends.

After my reading, I took a shower. The shower stall stunk of fish! That salted cod really stinks up the house. It was freezing in the bathroom as there is no heat. My bro in law had replaced the heater but it doesn’t work right. It works for about 5 mins and then shuts off. Useless! He should have bought a new unit altogether but he likes shortcuts. Drives me crazy.

Tomorrow I need to go to my PCP’s office to pick up my prescriptions. I was going to get a haircut but I goofed on my bills, again. I overpaid my therapist and would have overpaid my medical insurance but I was able to cancel it before it was processed. I have $2 to my name until next month. I am such a fucking idiot. I rather have $2 than be in the negative of $200, which would have happened if I wasn’t able to stop that payment. I am glad I checked. I do everything through my bank’s app and it doesn’t show the Bill Pay stuff unless you go into it like it did before they changed everything. I wish they had a notification of some sort telling you you had stuff pending. I always do stuff and then forget I did them so do it again. My memory is not as good as it used to be. I only have two bills that I use through online banking so you would think I would remember. Everything else I pay using my debit card as I need so many transactions a month to keep my checking account free.

After I finished the book, I kind of noticed that my pain levels have been low most of the day. It kind of went up a notch while I was in the shower but now I am resting, it went down again. I don’t know if this is because of the new med or not. If 50 mg keeps my pain low, then I will just stay at that dose. No need to increase it. I was expecting to hurt after all the cooking I did yesterday but it’s not that bad. Maybe I will benefit from this drug after all. To be continued…