Tag: chronic pain

Monday’s activities

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Monday’s activities

I stupidly left the med alarm at like 6 am which scared the shit out of me so bad that I didn’t even take my BP pill. I just shut it off and then went back to sleep until my alarm went off. I slept through the night, for the most part. I wasn’t in pain, least not in my ankle or foot. My back was bothering me though because it had snowed this morning. My alarm went off around 0920. For the first time, the Bixby news thing worked. It gave me the news which was all about Cheeto’s dealings. UGH, not what I wanted to hear first thing in the morning. I’ll be turning that feature off. I dreaded getting out of bed. I wanted to make breakfast though, so I needed to. I know I could get something at Starbucks when I left later, but I wanted to use up the bacon I opened the other day before it went bad. I originally wanted to wash and change my bedding but that wasn’t happening with my back being sore. I thought about using the tennis ball to massage it out but never did. I figure I would take off the blankets and wash them when I came home. I’ll change the sheets tomorrow.

I made my breakfast and there was time to catch the bus for espresso so I went upstairs to get dressed. My mother called as I was changing wanting me to look up some vinyl siding guys as one of the panels blew off in the storm. I told her I would do it when I came home as my sister still had my laptop. I just used my phone to write up yesterday’s blog. I had a slight headache so took some Exedrin and ibuprofen. Then caught the bus and went to Starbucks.

I got my espresso and pulled out my notebooks. I should have just took out my journal as I was too cloudy to write a story or continue writing with what I had written so far. The sun poked out finally. I guess it wasn’t going to snow anymore. The snow from this morning was already gone but it was still cloudy when I left the house. I thought there was going to be a storm tonight but they have moved it to Wednesday night into Thursday afternoon/evening. We are supposed to get 8 inches. Lovely. I played with my phone and wrote in my journal until it was time to leave for therapy.

I talked with my therapist about this weekend. He played with his nails. I was kind of hyper when I first started talking then slowly lost steam. The brain fog had returned. The last few minutes I was telling him how today was the anniversary of the first time I attempted suicide. Twenty-seven years ago today my father called me a liar and I snapped. I couldn’t take the fights anymore between my parents and the name calling and everything else, really. I would find out just how bad my father would be the following night. I still remember like it was yesterday. My father fell from the pedestal I had him on and he never reclaimed it. Also weird to realize that I have been trying to end my life for 27 years yet I am still here. As suicidal as I have been, I haven’t really attempted to go through with my thoughts in years. So long, I don’t even remember the last time I did attempt.

I told my therapist that I was going to end it if my doctors didn’t do something for my pain. He said that I was angry. Yeah, I have anger toward idiots in the medical profession who want to help people but don’t do a damn thing to actually help. Like why spend thousands of dollars for med school if you don’t care? I don’t get it.

My new favorite country artist Cam posted on either twitter or Instagram about her first number 1 called burning house. I bought it today. I would have bought the album but I’m kind of short on funds. It’s a cool song. Her latest hit, Diane, is my favorite. Just watching the video I fell in love with her. Sadly, she is too young for me and married. But I can admire her from a distance. She is very pretty with her curly blonde hair. I’m starting to think I have a thing for blondes and red heads as most of the women I like have those kinds of hair. I’ll find my love one day, maybe.

Win update and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Win update and other things

My mother needed me to print off the email from Sears so she could have an itemized receipt of what she bought. I printed it out and when I got back on my bed, stupid thing popped up saying Windows 10 needed a security update and needed 8GB of space, minimum. Last time there was an update, I had to use my thumb drive to download and install it. This damn thing doesn’t give me the option and there is no way to minimize the fucker. I am not in the fucking mood to be dealing with this today. My pain is unreal because I made dinner for my mother, niece, and I tonight. Just one hour of cooking did me in. The cold rain and wind I am sure is not helping. Not that I felt great to begin with.

Last night, my leg was hurting so I massaged it. It felt really tight and swollen. Lovely! I meant to call my doc today but I woke up late because I didn’t sleep, again, through the night. Also didn’t help that I was a dumbbell and forgot to change the med reminder alarm to something other than 5 fucking AM. Scared the shit out of me! I will call on Monday, though I will doubt I will be able to see the twerp that is my PCP. I’ll probably see one of his associates.

I had my haircut done on Wednesday before I saw my psychiatrist. I woke up this morning and wanted to shave my head because it grew in and I wanted that close feel. I probably would have if my damn ankle wasn’t hurting so bad. It would have given me a reason to shower, though it has been more than a couple days since I have. I am getting bad at showering again. I can’t help it. It hurts to stand right now and I can’t shower sitting. Maybe if I had an enclosed shower stall or something. My previous house had one with a door. We have have a curtain and a some what high ceiling. Knowing me, I would get the water everywhere but on myself. Even when I am washing dishes, spoons especially, I get water every where. It’s like I take a bath along with the dishes. My mother tells me to move the head of the faucet inward but I forget or if I do, then water goes on the splash guard. I am terrible. Maybe tomorrow, if I wake up early (i.e., before 1 pm), I will take it first thing. I had wanted to make breakfast but it was past lunch when I got up. Oh well. Bacon is still going to be there tomorrow.

I wanted to write about CRPS for Rare Disease Awareness but I am having trouble with it. My brain is just not to focused. I’d have to research it a little more, even though I have it, I don’t have a typical presentation of it. I mostly just have pain that is unexplained, except when you look at my bone scans. That is what it took for me to finally get diagnosed as I have bone changes. Not everyone is that lucky. If I am up early tomorrow, I will try and write something for it. I think it is important to spread awareness about it.

Too tired from being in pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, physical pain

I had a difficult sleep. I woke up every 4 hours or so. I really just slept all day. I was going to write about CRPS today as rare disease awareness but I don’t have the energy. Maybe tomorrow.

I texted my therapist about this flare. I am so full of despair. My heart is breaking. My cousin had a baby and she came up the house. I didn’t want to see her. I was hurting too much to go downstairs. I know the temp is going to drop and there is supposed to be rain tomorrow. Not like CRPS cares. I’ll hurt anyway.

I see the pain doc in two weeks. He better give me something for this or I’ll go insane. I need to sleep through the night not sleep all day.

I haven’t had any coffee today. I think I might make a cup of tea as it is getting late. I bought coffee cake. I had a couple pieces before dinner. It is smaller than I thought it was. I feel bad that I missed the game again today. I canceled my eye appt so I should be able to hear it if it is on the radio. I don’t plan on going out as it is supposed to be rainy and windy.

I hope I sleep tonight. My ankle is throbbing so bad right now and the bones ache. I feel so helpless. I wish there was something I could do to soothe but there isn’t. How can you combat bone pain? Just sucks.

Rare disease awareness week–Cauda Equina Syndrome

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression

Rare disease awareness week

This week is rare disease awareness week and I thought I would write about one of my rare conditions called cauda equina syndrome. The syndrome is comprised of different symptoms when taken together requires urgent attention. At the end of the spinal cord, there are a bundle of nerves that resemble a horse’s tail, thus the name cauda equina. When these nerves are injured or compressed due to disc material or other trauma, they can cause serious damage. For those having back pain, it is important to know what the red flags are so that emergency surgery can happen to prevent further nerve damage that could become permanent.

They are:
• Loss of sensation of one or both legs
• Loss of sensation to the genital area or saddle area (basically between your thighs)
• Incontinence of bladder and/or bowels
• Retention of urine
• Weakness or numbness in one or both legs
• Severe back pain

Not everyone will experience all of these or might have some. It is important to get an MRI when you have a few or all of these. Don’t think that just because you don’t have all, you don’t have cauda equina syndrome. I only had severe back pain and weakness and numbness in my leg when I was diagnosed. Some docs think that you need to have bowel or bladder involvement to have this condition. THIS IS NOT TRUE!! The quicker you have the MRI and surgery, the better your chances for recovery. You have about a 48 hour window to avoid permanent nerve damage. It is important that you have a competent surgeon, someone who does spines. I prefer a neurosurgeon over an orthopedic surgeon because the neurosurgeon will have a greater knowledge of the nerves. That isn’t to say an ortho can’t be just as good. If the ortho only does spinal surgery, you might be okay. Just be sure they are board certified. You can check that out by checking on this website http://www.abms.org/verify-certification/
This is only in the U.S.

If you have been diagnosed with cauda equina syndrome, you may have a lot of questions about recovery. It is a multidisciplinary approach, from physical therapists, occupational therapists, urologists, neurologists, etc. It is important to know you are not alone and there are support groups out there. I have had this condition twice, which is rare. I had it at two different levels. Everyone that I have met with this syndrome does not have the exact symptoms or damage following surgery, even if the level was the same. It take a long time to heal from nerve compression. Don’t give up hope. Regeneration is a time consuming process, but with the right amount of physical therapy and home exercises, you can recover in time. It took me two years before I was able to get off my medications until I was hit with it again three years later. It took longer for me to recover but I knew what to expect because I had the support group behind me. No one is a cauda equina syndrome expert, not even the best doctors. Little research is done in this area. There are stem cell research going on for those that have paralysis and that gives us the hope that some day our nerves can be helped.

Check out my pages about cauda equina syndrome if you like to help you learn more about it.