Tag: chronic pain

pain, pain go away and bug someone else!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain, pain go away and bug someone else!

This is the fourth day of dealing with horrendous foot and ankle pain. I wanted to get my haircut today, if I wasn’t in too much pain. I had a difficult time sleeping and woke up around 6 to take pain meds. I went back to sleep and woke up around noon. I felt a little better, mentally. Physically, I was still hurting. I didn’t know if I should stay home or not. I went downstairs to brush my teeth. It went okay so decided to get dressed to catch the bus.

It was cold out. I wore my Sox beanie hat. Today is the day catchers and pitchers report. Baseball spring training is starting. Next week will be their first games. I cannot wait. I have been eagerly waiting for the season to start. I love baseball so much and have missed it so much.

I got to the bus stop and there was construction going on the next block so it blocked my view of when the bus was coming. Just as the bus was coming, one of the construction vehicles moved so I could see. I had to flag down the bus as a stupid car pulled into the bus stop spot. Idiot. They aren’t supposed to park there. Never a cop around when these things happen. I got to my barber’s shop and there was no waiting. I told my barber how I wanted my hair done. It was more of a military cut. We had a good chat like we always do. His buddy is funny. He wants to grow a man bun. I just shook my head as my barber and I laughed (he proceeded to bob his head goofily as we did).

After the haircut, I went to Starbucks. My ankle kind of flared when I stood up and I was questioning it but wanted something to eat and some caffeine. It calmed down while I sat and ate. I took out my notebook and my journal. My mother wanted somethings from the freezer but I forgot if she wanted it for tonight or tomorrow so I called her. She wanted them for tomorrow and I told her I was planning on coming home late. I wanted to write my story, or at least get started on it. I was writing in my journal, minding my own business, listening to my music, when the top of my foot exploded. I got a mix of being angry and depressed. I had to close my eyes until it calmed down a little. So much for going to the grocery store to get some fish sticks as they were on sale. I had about 20 minutes to catch the bus. I packed my stuff up and carefully walked to the bus stop.

The temp dropped and the wind picked up. I was cold so put my hat on. My zipper on my boot had come undone so I stopped at the island to adjust it. I wished I had my gloves. I got to put them in my jacket. I don’t really like gloves as my hands sweat and then when you put the gloves back on they are cold, making your hands colder so I don’t usually carry them. But today it was needed. I had to wait for the bus as it was a little late. The bus driver was not paying attention to the bell for stops. It almost missed a stop for a passenger and didn’t open the back doors to let them out. This makes me mad. I didn’t do anything because what can you do? Even if you report them, there is no way they will get reprimanded for it. I just shook my head. I got off my stop and carefully got off the bus so it wouldn’t bother my ankle. I really wanted to get home but stopped at Walgreens first. I wanted to see if they had lasagna my mother wanted. It was sold out. I then checked to see if they had my wings and the price was up by 50 cents. WTF. It was on sale though so I grabbed a box. It was the price I would have paid if the price didn’t go up. Jerks. I am getting so unhappy with Walgreens lately. It’s like you are paying more for less. The box of wings only have about 6 pieces in it. No point in complaining to them as they don’t care.

I got home and was frozen. My thighs were so cold. I felt like I would not warm up. I had to take a shower to take off the hair clippings so I thought maybe that would warm me up. Nope. My foot still hurt and my ankle was starting. I took a strong pain pill as it was too early to take the other one. I ended up ordering dinner as I didn’t want to cook. Going to take my meds and maybe read some Harry Potter. I need to get some reading done. It’s already the middle of the month! I have only read one chapter. I need to be better. Maybe I should make lists of what should be done every day to help me better manage my time. I don’t know. Just a thought.

Not having a good night, bitch rant

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging

I wrote this to my psych. I think I am getting hypo as I haven’t been sleeping the past few nights. Hope it is just because of this stupid flare…

Not having a good night. Major flare where high ankle down to my toes were twitching and setting off anxiety. Then my foot felt like it was a balloon ready to pop. It wasn’t swollen. I carefully touched the top of my foot and it felt really odd, like dead skin but not dry. Maybe fragile is the word. Standing has been a huge problem. Just causes pain. Sometimes I can walk it off and sometimes when I sit back down, i hurt more. I was so overwhelmed and was tempted to page you but didn’t want to bother you with my craziness. So many different pains and sensations were overloading me. It is a little better now but I still hurt. Every time I move pain shoots up again or feels like it is going to cramp, despite the 1 mg of Ativan I took at bedtime. I took 10 mg of baclofen to try and stop the twitching/cramps. Also took 1000 mg of magnesium. I think i need to increase taking the mag for a while. Just hope it doesn’t cause bowel problems. I’ve been leaking urine more so that has been fun. Need to shower more which is difficult when you can’t stand.

I ended the email here, telling her to delete it. I was very scared with all this. The skin issue really is gross. It doesn’t feel like my skin. Then I have a golf ball swelling of malleolus. I rubbed that tonight. It hurt so I stopped. I thought about using lidocaine but wasn’t sure if touching it would set off more twitching.

It is now 1 am. Every time I take off my glasses to lay down, I need to put them back on to read something. My eyesight is bad. I can no longer read my phone without my glasses. I have an upcoming eye appt. It is with a new eye doc as my doc retired. I miss him. I got to change the appt. I got so many calls to make tomorrow and I need to get my haircut. I am going to get a bald cut but leave the top like a flat top. I want to try and have spiked hair by the time my cousin’s wedding comes around in June, if I don’t kill myself from this fucking pain first. I still can’t believe the psychologist wanted to taper my fucking meds! Would he do the same to a diabetic on insulin? I mean seriously!! I am so annoyed. I don’t think I’ll be able to keep my meds with this stupid opioid epidemic going on. Chronic pain patients are the ones that are going to be the genocide of the “epidemic”. Apparently politicians are taking away the 1st do no harm from docs by tying their hands. It is either don’t prescribe or lose your license. What kind of medicine is that?

astronomical pain and blacking out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

If my pain was bad when I woke up at 11, it is astronomical now. I am seeing stars. Honestly think I blacked out on the way home as I have no clue how I got there until my mother called while on the bus. Must have been on auto pilot when I left the stinking clinic. I know my ankle pain went nuts shortly after I left his office and it’s fuzzy from there. Thank God I wasn’t driving. I honestly don’t think I have ever been in this much pain before.

The psychologist said that he doesn’t believe that I misuse, abuse, or sell my drugs. And he was going to put that in his notes. I felt good about that. He wanted me to go to some functional program but I honestly don’t know what the benefit would be. He talked about getting around the work issues with the ADA, American Disability Act. I really don’t want to go back to my job as it was just too stressful. I don’t know what else I would do. He mentioned some vocational program and I was like whatever. I just want to go to Starbucks and write. He said there is no longer a doc that will prescribe opioids and that usually they discuss with me what they want and then go to my PCP for them to prescribe it. The good news is that I will see this doc Friday. I don’t know how long it will take to finagle getting my PCP to agree to it is another matter. The psychologist did want to taper me off my meds but yet he said I wasn’t on a high dose of meds. So that part was weird. Why taper me if I am not on a high dose to begin with?? I was frustrated with the appointment as nothing got done.

I am still hurting pretty bad. I just took my night meds so I am hoping to get to sleep early tonight. I wanted to sleep early last night but that never happened. I was up all night and only had about 5 hours of broken sleep. I am tired though so maybe I will sleep. I don’t know anymore. It all depends on what my ankle wants to do. I really want my pain to be controlled better than what it is now, not taken off what I am on. There was talk again of hyperalgesia. I honestly don’t think that is happening. I think they like to think that happens because they can’t explain how pain really goes on.

it’s 2 am…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s 2 am…

It’s not quite 3 am yet but I love this song. It’s by Jason Aldean and called Why.

I am having a rough time. Pain is bonkers. I’ve lost track how many times the pain has moved from my ankle to my foot and back. Then my ankle bone hurts only for it to travel to my foot bones. Now my foot is on fire so I think the pain meds have done their job. I just don’t want to chance it flaring up again by laying down.

I researched the psychologist I will be seeing in 13 hours. He mostly has focused on head, face, and neck pain. Not my kind. Also promotes CBT. He suggests that for me and I will kill myself. I don’t fucking care. I hate this therapy and think it is bogus. Not everyone responds to it and I know I won’t because I think it’s bullshit. There are some aspects of it that are worthwhile but like anything else, it takes time to practice and use it well. I really don’t want to wait another 18 weeks or more to see if this is “for me” and still have fucking flare ups without pain control in any other way.

I tried writing in my journal but the pen I decided to use was being difficult. Sometimes it wouldn’t write and I had to go over letters to make them visible. It was annoying me rather than helping me. I don’t know what I did with my left arm. It feels weak, like I lifted something heavy, which I didn’t. I haven’t carried anything so no idea what I did but it’s annoying me. It doesn’t hurt so that is good.

My migraine has gone. I hope it stays away. I am really tired and know I should try and sleep but my foot and ankle pain is just so intense. I can’t even give it a number because it just hurts. It is also indescribable. I hate that kind of pain. It’s so hard to know how to treat it. Do I treat it with this med or that med? I just don’t know so I take both and hope it works. I didn’t take any Neurontin tonight. I don’t want to be foggy later on. I think these late nights are causing me to be a night owl. I know that if I am not asleep by midnight, chances are it is a guessing game when I will be asleep. After 0200, and I am really up for the night. Just sucks because I have to leave the house by 1245 to make it to my appointment on time, which means I will have to eat something at Starbucks. I think I will get the cherry mocha again with 3 shots of espresso. That was yummy. I will try and remember to bring my reusable cup I bought the other day. They only have this drink until Wednesday. It’s too bad because it tastes so good! I love mocha anyway. It’s my favorite drink beside having the espresso alone with soy milk.

I am going to try this thing called sleep. Maybe you’ve heard of it? It’s supposed to be good for you yet I never feel refreshed afterwards so don’t get the appeal. I’ll let you know how it goes…