Tag: chronic pain

just a blog about SSDD, same shit different day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Just a blog about SSDD, same shit different day

I had gone to bed before 2200. I woke up around 0130 or so and didn’t go back to sleep until 0400. If my pain was down, I planned on calling my PT’s office to see if I could see her. I don’t know if it’s the cold or what, but my foot bones as well as the malleolus were hurting. I didn’t feel like getting out of bed. I wanted to make a marinara sauce but I think I will make it tomorrow as my mother made chicken cutlets tonight. I basically slept most of the day. I was tired and in pain and didn’t want to do shit.

As I am writing this, I am listening to Luke Combs, one of my new favorite country artists. I can’t believe I missed seeing him when he was in Boston. I didn’t find out until too late that he was here. Not like I had money for tickets or anything but would have been nice to see a concert.

So the Federal Communication Commission has been bought, by who, we don’t know but they repealed net neutrality today. If there isn’t resistance, and there is a lot of talk about it, it will take place in a few months. What this means is that companies can decide for you what websites you see, Google could charge you per search, WordPress might no longer be free or not accessible like it is. Just sucks. I don’t know if my website for my blog will be available, even though I pay for the domain. Or I might pay more for it. Also, internet companies can charge what they want without warning. Just fucking lovely so companies can get more money. The chickenshit Republican party (those elected to Congress) are trying to UNDO everything that All the bones in my foot and ankle have been hurting me all fricken day. Fucking hate CRPShas done while in office. Net Neutrality was one of these things.

While I was up in the middle of the night, I checked on The Ride and how it works. I have to apply and possible be examined by their staff. Screwed that. I don’t have severe pain every day that keeps me from going out and I usually don’t know until the day of that I hurt too much to go out. It would kind of be useless.

My cousin called me as I was going to take a nap around 1300. Fucking idiot saw the pic I posted while I was all hooked up for the sleep study and wanted to tell me his comments about it, like I cared. I still have a rash from the tape on my neck. He has been annoying me lately, so I blocked his number. He said he was going to call me in a few hours to “wake me up so I can sleep at night”. Fuck that. Who the hell are you to determine my sleep hours?? He is such a fucking idiot. And no matter how many times I correct him on calling me G, he still fucking calls me my birth name. That pisses me off more than anything.

I got nine days till my birthday. I am dreading it because I won’t be spending it with people I want to spend it with. My friend who makes dresses and things made an apron and I like it. I had her make one for me and it came today. If I make the marinara tomorrow, I will wear it so I don’t get sauce on me as some times it splatters when I pour the crushed tomatoes in the pan. It was a simple apron, white with a navy blue pocket. I like it a lot. It is my first apron. I am going to try and make the cookies I wanted to make last week this week. It should be fun.

sleep study, pain, and more pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sleep study, pain, and more pain

Last night I had the sleep study. It was a test my PCP ordered to rule out sleep apnea before prescribing me a longer acting pain med. I slept okay though I woke up a few times because I had to sleep on my back the whole time. My back didn’t like this. Around 0230 or so, I had to take some pain meds. Then around 5, I got pissed I was still in pain so I sat up. The tech that was working with me said I could sleep on my side. OK. I fell asleep and then she woke me up while I was in REM. I had about a half hour left for the study before she disconnected me. When she came in, I asked her when results would be available. She said 2-3 weeks! WHAT???!!!! Guess it will be another month of being in pain before I see a longer acting med. Fuck!

Starbucks was across the street so I went over for breakfast and an espresso. After I ate, I walked to the station to get home. I wasn’t in too much pain. I got home okay. I took a shower to wash off the stuff they put in my hair to hold the electrodes. I felt better afterwards.I then played around on my laptop while my phone charged. Around 9ish I was getting sleepy so decided to take a nap. All I did was lie down for a few lousy minutes when my ankle bone went nuts. Totally got severe pain. I popped my strong pain med once I was able to sit up. Even then the pain was not letting up. I still had a couple hours before I was to leave for PT. I emailed my PT on what to do. I waited an hour and a half for a response. When the pain got worse while I called my stupid neuro, I cancelled the appt. I couldn’t bear weight and the thought of waiting for the bus didn’t appeal to me.

The neuro had emailed me on Monday night to tell me his office staff was to fax over the new med he wants me on. Nothing was at the pharmacy all day yesterday or today so I called the office. He never printed out the stupid prescription. The secretary said she would print it out and leave it on his desk to sign tomorrow, when he is in. Fucking great. Bastard. I really don’t know why there is such an issue with this medication. I will find out when I go to the pharmacy to pick it up, probably on Friday. Maybe I should take this as a sign that I shouldn’t be on this medication.

My PT got back to me and she would like me to see her tomorrow. She doesn’t want to wait a week. I will give the office a call in the morning, provided I fricken sleep. She doesn’t have any openings on Friday. She said she doesn’t want me to come in if I can’t walk and also would like me to see if I can find an alternative transportation to come to the appts. There is a service that public transportation provides called The Ride. I just don’t know if I can afford it as Some months I don’t have extra cash. I need to find out how it works as I am not sure how it is paid. My sister was going to set it up for my mother so got some information on it. I guess it’s like $4-$6 per trip, but I don’t know if that is round trip or one way. I honestly don’t like to be in cars where strangers drive. Only exception is a taxi and I can’t afford that going intercity. It would be way too expensive. I don’t trust Uber as I keep hearing bad things about them. I also don’t like being stuck in traffic with a stranger. A bus is different as I can just listen to my music and not interact at all. I don’t know. There is no harm looking into it so I will go on the website later and see what I can find out.

My ankle is still hurting me like crazy. I am getting around okay, better than I was this morning when I was home. I used the walking boot for most of the day whenever I had to go downstairs. But unfortunately, a stupid delivery guy rang our bell so I had to go downstairs as my mother couldn’t. It wasn’t even for us, but for my niece. I was pissed. I got the mail though. Then I had to explain three times who was at the door. OMG my mother is deaf. She just either doesn’t hear you or just cannot understand what you are saying unless you spell it out. Drives me fucking crazy.

My brother in law tried to shut off my radiator yesterday before I left for the sleep study. Unfortunately it is still fricken on. I had turned the heat up as my mother was cold. I got back to my room and it was an oven, even with the damn window open. And I swear, if ONE more person tells me to open the window, I am going to jump out it to prove it is open! It has been open the last few weeks and it hasn’t done a bit of difference.

Emotional rollercoaster Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, disability, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain

well, let me tell you a little about my day. I wake up and text my bro in law who has promised to replace my ceiling fan for going on 3 weeks now. He says he can’t (after telling me he could last night) because he has to decorate his tree and then do snow removal. Okay. Another weekend of having a potential fire hazard but who am I to judge. I am mad because I go to his apartment for some English muffins as ours I had to throw away because of mold, and he is sitting on his rump, tree isn’t decorated and the snow isn’t removed. I was fumed.

I then watch a goofy sentimental video on twitter that brings dust to my eyes. I am overcome in emotion. I then decide to use the old laptop for some computer work. I plug in the stupid cord, foot goes berserk. I had enough and it’s only 3 o’clock. Now I am really crying as I know there is no controlling this pain like it has been going on the past 3 weeks or more. 😥

I went downstairs to have dinner before BPD chat. As I was walking toward the 1st fucking step, my damn foot explodes, again. I couldn’t bear weight. The cane was upstairs with my walking boot and my sister and her daughter’s were out. I started crying again. I sat on the stairs. My mother is telling me to sit on the couch and I yelled at her because I could walk the 5 steps to the couch. I just sat on the stairs, drinking the iced tea I made, wishing it was alcoholic. I was waiting for my phone to go off telling me it was time to take my pain meds, but I never set it. Took me more than a few minutes to collect myself and the pain to calm down enough for me to climb up the stairs.

Then I decided to join BPD chat. I was getting heated over someone who thought you can’t approach someone without training. Like what the fuck. I am not a professional but I always say I am available to talk to someone if they need an ear. I don’t have “training”, just compassion and empathy, which is all you really need. I was so fucking mad. 

Then I tried copying and pasting what I wrote on FB to a word doc and half of it goes through. So I’m now using my phone to write my blog as my new laptop sucks. Pain meds are kicking in and my damn mother has turned up the fucking heat again to heat stroke conditions. I turned on the fire hazard fan. Don’t fucking care anymore. I still need to fill my med box for the week. Dont know if it is worth standing for 15 mins or so. I’ll put tonight’s meds in a bottle and put it by the bed so I don’t have to get up again.

I’m emailing my psychiatrist and telling her I’m going to take 25 mg of Zoloft as my emotions are all over the fucking place. I have been really angry or just cry for no reason. I know there are reasons for it but since coming off the med, I cannot tolerate being so emotional all the fucking time. I have enough med to last me till June, I think, if my stomach can tolerate it. I’ll try to eat something with my meds to counteract the nausea but not sure that will work as it didn’t while I was in the hospital. 

I feel like yelling at my mother to turn down the fucking heat. I truly hate not being able to get around my own house, on my own two feet. It is making me really depressed. As I was sitting on the stairs, I was thinking maybe between my mother’s insurance and mine, we could get a stair climber thing. Only thing is, I’m not sure our walls are strong enough for the placement of the trolley. Plus our stairs aren’t straight down like you see in the commercial. It has a few curves.

One of my high school friends posted on Facebook about maple syrup. Think tomorrow I’ll make oatmeal pancakes. I love maple syrup but it is too expensive for me. Maybe my next grocery order I’ll splurge and get it. I did find out it can spoil so needs to be kept in the fridge. 

Saturday Blog 9 Dec 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 9 Dec 2017

Having a rough day. Was up till around 0530 because of pain. I had taken a shower and slipped twice. My ankle did not want me to stand at all for the lousy 10 minutes. I wish I could say the pain was worth it as I felt better and clean after the shower but didn’t like being up in pain all fucking night. I didn’t sleep well. I was up every couple of hours.

When I woke up in the afternoon because my ankle said so, it was snowing and my room was really warm. I went downstairs and my mother had the heat on above 70 degrees. Bitch. I lowered it. I made some frozen dinners and had ice cream then chips and salsa. I was kind of hungry as I haven’t eaten anything most of the day. I went downstairs to collect my walking boot and my mother wanted ice from my sister’s ice maker. I had to go back to the kitchen to get a bag. I was not fucking happy.

I collected the ice and my stupid brother in law was excited about putting the lights in the front. I don’t fucking care. He never replaced my ceiling fan so I am mad at him. I need a working fan if my mother is going to put the heat on high because she can’t put on a damn heavy sweater. Fuck. I am glad I am not paying the gas bill.

I went back upstairs and my ankle said fuck you. I was fucking heated. I am so sick of dealing with pain I am seeing red. The neuro never responded to my email about the new med not going through to the pharmacy. At this point, I don’t give a fuck.

I’ve decided to quit seeing the therapist I am seeing. I am just done with him. He isn’t helpful and I am tired of his analysis that leaves me with more questions than answers. I started looking for someone else while I was up in the middle of the night. I emailed three therapists that are close by. Hopefully one responds. It might be a while before they do as the holidays are approaching. Good luck to therapist #15, whoever you maybe.

I am so fucking tired. I took some more pain meds and an Ativan as I was really irritable. I was getting to the point of want to take out my aggression on my ankle with a sharp object. Think I am going to take my night meds early and try and sleep or maybe watch a movie. I don’t know. Reading is out because I don’t have the concentration for it. Guess my reading challenge is going to the toilet. There is no way I can read like 7 books in 3 weeks. I’ll be lucky to finish one book by the end of the year. I really want to finish Coraline. Maybe that will be my goal tomorrow. I am half way through the book so it should be easy if I don’t have disabling pain to distract me. I still have Tex by SE Hinton. That should be an easy book, too. So maybe 2 books by year’s end.

While I was up in the middle of the night, I was going over the documents that I needed to collect food stamps. And they have my name wrong!! I got to call them Monday and correct them because all my documents say my legal name, not my birth name. UGH. What idiots did that?? I had filled out the paperwork with G. I am so fucking mad. I am glad I caught it before I submitted the paperwork. Assholes.