Tag: chronic pain

another month of existing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Another month of existing

Despite being suicidal for almost 16 days straight, I lived to tell the tale. I honestly don’t know what gets me through the hardest of moments when I am in so much pain and all I can think about is death. I think fantasizing my death has gotten me through, only because I was so immobilized by pain, I couldn’t act on my thoughts. Then the next day, the pain was down and I didn’t feel so terrible. I didn’t feel like ending my life.

Sometime in the beginning of September or the end of August, I thought that if I had 41 consecutive days of suicidal thoughts, that on day 42 I would end my life. If by some chance, I had a day that I didn’t think those thoughts, I would have to start all over. I kept a spreadsheet of the days. Some nights when I was in pure agony, I would bargain with myself saying just x many days more and then I would end it. I kept these thoughts pretty much to myself. I had texted my therapist this plan but we never talked about it. I don’t remember if I let my psych know either.

I don’t know what really changed that stopped the suicidal feelings from occurring. I still had pain every day and night. But after my PT evaluation, I felt like things could be better. I was sad that the days of me working were truly over because too much time had past for me to recover. I was diagnosed too late with CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. Now I just want to be able to make pancakes without having to take breaks in between the prep, the mixing, and the cooking. Small stuff but it would be a goal. I left the PT office feeling a little hopeful that things might change for the better. It didn’t take away my suicidal feelings completely. I still thought about ending my life, but there was no urgency to it. I just put it in the back of my head.

Suicidal thoughts have become so much apart of my life that I can’t imagine my life without it. Will I my life end one day at my own hands? I don’t know. I think so and have felt that way for quite some time. Little things stop me. My nieces or nephew’s love and care. A friend online that needs me. Having a low pain day so I could get out of the house to have my espresso at Starbucks. Being able to shower, make breakfast, and then go out to do what I have to do. It doesn’t happen every day as some days I can barely get out of bed, either because of pain or my mood. Sometimes both. Sometimes a good word from my therapist or psychiatrist is enough to lift the heavy coat to make it through the day. I honestly didn’t think I was going to make it through September without making a suicide attempt. But I did.

Tomorrow starts a new month, with the same challenges. Hell, I have appts all this week with no rest days at all. It’s going to be hard. I hope it doesn’t set me off in a flare for days on end. The weather is also going to be cooler. If it remains stable, I should be okay. If it fluctuates more than 10 or more degrees, I am going to hurt more than any activity that I do. I have a lot of appts this month. I don’t know how that is going to make me feel, physically and mentally. Dealing with chronic pain every day is difficult to say the least. I have mixed feelings about this month. I hope that I survive and I hope that I die. We’ll see if I make it to Oct 31st.

RED SOX ARE BACK TO BACK AL EAST CHAMPS!!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

RED SOX ARE BACK TO BACK AL EAST CHAMPS!!!

My Sox won the game today and won the American League East title for the 2nd year in a row!! I am so happy for them. It’s been a tough season and there is some work to do. Unfortunately, they will be facing the same team they are facing this weekend for the first rounds of playoff games. Those games start Thursday. There is still one more game left in the regular season. I’ll listen to it because I love my boys.

I woke up around 5 in pain again for the 4th day in a row. I went back to sleep. When I woke up around 1400, I took a shower and then went to Walgreens to pick up my meds. It was really cold, around 55 degrees. The rain had stopped but began again when I came back home. I’m glad I timed it right.

I was hungry but didn’t know what to make. I decided on making White Castle cheeseburgers. My mother was napping and I was watching the game in the kitchen. I asked her what she wanted and after she thought about it, she said some scrambled eggs. Her knee was acting up again, probably because of the weather. I made her the eggs and some toast. By the time I was done, the game was won. But stupid Fox didn’t show the celebration. They went to some football game. I went up to my room to see Twitter highlights. I had the ceiling fan on. I shut it off as I was cold and put on a long sleeved Tee shirt.

I wanted something warm so went back downstairs to make a cup of tea. My mother wanted a cup of coffee so I made her one as well. My ankle is hurting now. I put in a request for my pain meds to my PCP’s office as I will run out by Tuesday. I don’t know when I will be able to get them and have it filled. It probably won’t be until Thursday. I don’t know what I am going to do. I hate being off track with refilling my meds. This 28 day shit sucks and having to go to my PCP’s office because the medical assistant is too dumb to mail it really sucks.

About a month ago, I bought these straps for the bed sheets to keep them attached to the mattress. One side of my bed always seems to come undone, and these straps are not helping. The other side is secure, though I could adjust the foam topper a little bit. I need to change the sheets soon anyway. I hate changing sheets. It is the one chore I detest. I wish I could hire someone to help me do it and also to help vacuum my rug but I don’t have the extra funds to do so. Money is going to be tight the next few months because I am going to try and save to get a new laptop. I’m going to get a new screen first to see if that solves the issue. If it does, I will just upgrade my Office to Office 2016. I found one site on Amazon that was selling it for $90. I just got to find out how many pins my screen has to make sure I buy the right replacement. I might call Dell as their website isn’t too helpful.

hot day, therapy, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Hot day, therapy, and other things

I woke up around 0630 in pain. I took some meds and then checked my bank account to see if my check was deposited. It was so I paid some bills and reordered my grocery as I had to cancel the order because of my PT appt yesterday. I just ordered the bare minimum because PeaPod hasn’t yet credited my acct and I didn’t want to spend that much. I’ll just buy what I need at the grocery store if I’m up to it. I might do another order for the stuff I didn’t get but I am hesitant because I want to make sure I have enough money for changing my name in two weeks.

After I paid my bills, I set my alarm and went back to sleep. My mother called me around noon, before my alarm went off. She wanted to know where I was and what I was doing. I’m 41 and still get asked this, every single day! It’s annoying but there is nothing I can do about it. My alarm went off and I didn’t want to get out of bed. I forced myself to and went downstairs to brush my teeth and get ready to go out. My aunt was over again so I exchanged pleasantries. On the way back up to my room, my ankle went out. Not a good sign. Luckily, it wasn’t painful. I limped back up to my room and then took more pain meds. I got dressed and then left the house.

There was construction on the sidewalk. A big machine was blocking my view of the street to see if the bus was coming. Luckily, I got up in time to check and it was coming. When I got on the bus, I ordered my Starbucks and something to eat. I had timed it right for my therapy appt as I only had about a half hour to write in my journal, which kind of sucked. I went to the train station and it was hot as an oven and by the time I got to my therapist’s office, I was sweating. I wished I had brought a facecloth to wipe off the sweat but I wasn’t thinking.

Therapy went well. I thanked him for rescheduling the appt. We talked about what went on yesterday with PT and that I am starting with a PT specialized in CRPS. Then we talked about my father and my suicidality. Yesterday was the first day in about 16 days straight that I didn’t think of wanting to kill myself. We talked about that for a while. Then we talked some more about my father and his death. It was a good session.

I went back to the Square to wait for the bus home. It was late. I was really sweating by the time I reached home. I had to go to Walgreens to pick up my meds. On the way in, I saw one of the pharm tech girls with her dog. It was cute. I think it was a bulldog, my favorite kind of breed, well one of many. She was walking down the street with him the way I had to go. I almost caught up to her when she reached my house but she wasn’t paying attention so I just let her keep walking. My t-shirt was soaked and it was hot in my room. I put the AC on before I dried off and peeled off my shirt. I waited till I cooled down before I put on another shirt. Then I ordered food as my mother didn’t cook anything. She just reheated some soup from the other night.

My therapist said that I needed to do some “fun shit”. I said I don’t have much things that I do. If I make it to Starbucks for the day, then it’s a good day. He said that I should work on doing that more often. I was kind of stunned because I thought he wanted something more but going to Starbucks does make me happy, if for a little while. I need my espresso fix as they no longer have any Clover coffees that I like. I can’t remember the last time I had coffee at Starbucks. I do make it at home as I don’t have an espresso machine. I will never get one of those because I may never leave the house again.

same shit different cold bleak day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Same shit different cold bleak day

I woke up around 6 and didn’t feel well. My back and ankle were hurting pretty bad. I took some meds and played with my phone. It was too early to go anywhere and I didn’t want to spend all day at Starbucks. My psych had moved the appt up to noon. It was raining out and windy. Jose was blearing. I went to lie down for a few hours before I had to catch the bus. That is when my back gave out and I just said fuck it, I’m not leaving the house. I emailed my psych and canceled the appt.

I’ve been sleeping on and off all day. My mother called around supper time but she made something I didn’t like and then got mad that I wasn’t going to eat it. Whatever. I didn’t want to move. I hadn’t eaten anything all day. I really wasn’t hungry. My mood was in the abyss and I didn’t care if it stayed there or not. I thought about killing myself at least a hundred times. Thing was, I couldn’t move too good with my back hurting so trying to end it today just wasn’t going to happen. That just made me more depressed.

I must have chewed the inside of my cheek while sleeping because it’s really sore. I’m feeling kind of irritable. My mood just sucks. I feel like I am on a lethal path. I just want to sleep.