Tag: chronic pain

a night of no sleep but baked during the day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A night of no sleep but baked during the day
I didn’t go to sleep till around 6 or 7 am. Pain was keeping me up. Different parts of my foot kept acting up. It was making me very restless. Around 0500, I was contemplating calling my psych because I didn’t know what else to do. I had taken all the meds I could take, with no relief. I finally took another Ativan and that seemed to settle me down along with exhaustion.

I slept until my med alarm went off around 1130. An hour later, my mother called wanting me to help her with something. She was making chicken soup and needed help with preparation of the vegetables and stuff. I had to help load the pan on the stove as her legs were bothering her so much she couldn’t lift it. I kept having to go downstairs to get somethings from my sister’s apartment that we didn’t have.

I then decided to shred the zucchini for the bread. I would start making it when my mother was done with the soup to let it cook. I made coffee while she was putting stuff in the soup and helped her with making the meatballs. I haven’t rolled meatballs since I was a kid. It was fun.

After that was done, I started preparing my baking. I got out the stuff I needed and went to work. I tried not to make a mess but I did. It was really muggy in the kitchen so when my mother left to watch TV in the other room, I opened the back door to let the cool air in. I baked the bread at the modified temp and cooked it longer than what the recipe called for. It was the second time making this so I knew what to expect.

My ankle was hurting and I needed to take my pain meds so I went up to my room. I still had a half hour before the bread was done. I need to take a shower as I got flour all over my shirt. I’ll do that before I go to bed tonight. Maybe it will help me sleep better. The bread was done and I let it cool. As it did so, I started washing the things in the sink. My back did not like that at all. The cool rainy weather is wreaking havoc on my spine. It’s supposed to be like this for another day. I am hurting big time and it’s not even 1900 yet. I just hope I don’t have a long night ahead of me. It will suck big time.

rainy shitty day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Rainy shitty day

It’s been raining off and on most of the day. My back has been a casualty of it. My lower back has been hurting most of the day. Despite this, I took a shower and made pancakes and coffee. I got really sleepy after I ate so I took a nap. It was a good nap and for the first time in months, I felt refreshed.

My mother had already made herself dinner. I heard her call me but I didn’t answer as I was so sleepy. I really didn’t want cheeseburgers for dinner anyway. I think I might make the frozen dinner that I have. I don’t want to cook again because I don’t want to hurt more than I am right now. As is usually the case, my ankle pain has settled down since my back is flaring. The hard part is sitting and standing. I can’t stand straight because it hurts too much.

The physical therapy office called while I was napping. I was very annoyed that the app that I use for voicemail has ads with sound in it. I could barely hear the lady talk as there was some kind of casino game playing. Usually the ads are silent. I hate the app. I much rather call into my voicemail using my phone. But Sprint no longer has that option with the new phones. Just annoys me. When I call tomorrow, I am going to see if I can see a PT that has experience with nerve related injury. Otherwise, there will be no point in seeing the therapist. I don’t have a normal ankle injury that will respond to normal physical therapy. I tried that and it hurt too much. I honestly don’t know what they can do but I will find out. The good thing is that they are down the street from me. I just need to take the bus. It kind of sucks because I can be early or late depending on the bus’s schedule. I rather be early so I can have time to prepare and just chill while waiting. I am surprised they called me right away. My PCP’s office faxed them this morning.

I honestly don’t know what PT is going to do as my ankle doesn’t go out on command. I am going to see what I can do to get around the house better when it does. Thing is, the prescription isn’t written to reflect that. It states that I need strength and conditioning exercises, which will only hurt not help me. I really wish I had a PCP that actually listened to what the patient wants rather than what he thinks they need.

Last night, I checked the balance on one of my old credit cards that I am paying off slowly. One more payment and I will be paid in full. I have been chipping at it slowly with each pay period and got done before the allotted time by a few months. I’m proud of myself for doing that. Now I just got to work on my other bills on my credit report to try and improve.

I was in no shape to bake today. I will try tomorrow if my back isn’t bothering me. It takes a little time preparing because you need to shred the zucchini. I’m still not sure if I am going to use baking powder rather than soda. I’ll ask my niece who bakes a lot and see what she thinks. She liked it last time so I want to stick with the recipe.

Exhausting, painful, and depressing day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Exhausting, painful, and depressing day

I did not want to get out of bed today but I knew that if I didn’t, I’d get slapped with a $190 charge from my therapist for not canceling within 24 hours. It was an incentive to get up, but not enough of one to shower. I did brush my teeth.

I felt like I was walking in mud most of the day, soon as I left my house. I was just really tired. My legs felt heavy, like I couldn’t move them. My ankle was fine until I got to my therapist’s office building. Then it felt like it was being torn apart. I can’t stand when my depression is like this. I am going to ask my psych if I can increase the Zoloft to 200 mg/day. It might break some of this stuff.

The weather is awful. It was muggy when I came home and then the temp dropped so it is freezing now. I had to shut off the AC. Only thing I had to eat today was a pumpkin scone, a bite of a brownie, and some microwavable mac and cheese. I am not too hungry. I just want to sleep. I am in a lot of pain and the night is still young. I’m not sure I am going to sleep.

While I was at Starbucks, it started raining. I was trying to write in my journal but it was difficult. I couldn’t really concentrate on writing so mostly just listened to my music and twittled with my phone. I think I am going to avoid Twitter over the next few days because the Senate is proposing a bill to cut Medicaid and that is all people are talking about. Call your senators. I’m so tired of seeing this every few months. And if I am, I am sure that other people are as well. It sucks that the public has to tell their elected senators to do the right thing. Dispicable.

As I couldn’t write in my journal, I decided to get some zucchini so I could make my zucchini bread. I know it won’t be tomorrow as I am in too much pain and I doubt I will sleep. I’ll probably make it either Wed or Thursday. After I got the zucchini, I just went to the train station where it was warmer than Starbucks.

Therapy went ok. Guy is still picking his nails as he talks to me. We talked about how my depression can be so heavy at times that it’s overwhelming. I also told him I wanted to give up. He didn’t say anything. I’m starting to think this therapy is just whatever I want it to be about without any therapy happening. I just talk with no structure at all. I get more from talking to my psychiatrist for 20 minutes.

I got to get my blood drawn this week. I think I will get it done on Friday when I have to be at the hospital anyway to see my psych. Results won’t be done until later that day but as long as I have them in, that is all that matters. The hard part will be fasting because I tend to drink PowerAde with my meds, especially at night. Guess I will have to drink water if I need my meds.

The top of my foot is screaming. I already took a strong pain pill and can’t take my regular meds for another hour. Maybe I’ll use some lidocaine. I know I am going to be hurting at least the next three days because a hurricane is coming up this way. It’s mostly going to be on the coast where it will be worst, but we’ll have rain. My back is already aching. I honestly don’t know how I am going to make the zucchini bread when I know I am going to be in a lot of pain. Even if I am having a low pain day, I could still flare up from baking. Least I will have something chocolate when I want it.

Foot Pain, Ankle Pain, Psychache, when will it end?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality, transgender

I feel asleep around 2100 only yo wake up 3.5 hours later. I had to use the bathroom. While I was there, I figured I might as well brush my teeth. My foot started hurting so I rushed.

I went back to my room and couldn’t settle down. It’s starting to be a never ending story of pain. Now my heart is breaking and I don’t know why. I should feel better now that I know my mother knows I am a man. I thought that would take away some of the depression but it hasn’t. I still feel hopeless.

I wrote a tweet and someone flagged it on FB. I got a message asking if I needed help or someone to talk to. The report is anonymous so I have no idea who reported me. I’m just glad no cops showed up at my door. 

I’m so tired of this crap. I’m sick of being in pain all the time. I wanted to make cookies and instead, I slept all day. I might do it later today. I love the cookies.  My niece wants me to frost them so I might so that. I think they taste better without the frosting. But, I can only make the cookies if my pain is down and it shows no sign of that happening. 

I never bought the zucchini. Maybe I will Monday when I am out. I really want to make the zucchini bread. I really like it and it is easy to make. One of my friends posted a recipe for dark chocolate molasses cookies but you need brown rice flour. I’m not sure where I can find that. I also need to buy molasses. Maybe the next time I am in the Square, I’ll look in the grocery store there. They have some organic stuff and might carry the rice flour.

I don’t know why I feel so much psychache. I guess it may be due to my friend not really loving me like she says she does. I’ve known this for a while now. I’ll go for days without hearing from her and then she will be in some crisis or another, needing to talk to me, usually late at night when I want to sleep. It just annoys me that the only time I hear from her is when she is feeling bad, like I don’t exist until she feels she needs me. I just learned to distance myself from her.

I had texted my therapist about the news about telling my mother that I am transgender. He responded. He is glad I did so. I also texted my former therapist and she never did. I don’t think she will. I emailed my psych and she didn’t respond either. I see her this coming Friday so I’m sure we will talk then. I should be feeling elated that my mother knows but I still feel like shit. I think the pain of my ankle/Foot is just bringing me down so much that I can’t feel anything else but misery. 

Not sure if I mentioned it but I have decided that Oct 10th I’ll be changing my name, legally. It will cost me around $200. I’m going to make sure I get enough extra paperwork so I don’t have to go back to the courthouse. I’m not sure how many I will need to change my name on various things. I’m excited and scared about taking this step in my transition. But none of that will matter if my pain causes me to end my life. 

It is a constant battle trying to keep myself here. It is a roller coaster of emotion all the time, from feeling deep despair and suicidal one minute to feeling ok the next. I know one day I will end my life. I just don’t know when that will be, sooner or later.