Tag: chronic pain

long ass day and dental problems

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Long ass day and dental problems

Because my medication alarm is annoying, I got up around 8 even though I didn’t want to. I took a shower and I was exhausted. I wanted to go back to bed but I really wanted to get my haircut early. I caught the next bus and found that the shop didn’t open till 10. I went to Starbucks and had breakfast.

Around 10, I went to the barber shop and got my haircut. I still had time before my psych appt so I went back to Starbucks for a coffee. Should not have done that. My heart was pounding by the time I saw my psych. Before I saw her, I went to my PCP’s office to pick up my prescriptions, least I thought there would be 2. There was one so I went back. The idiot medical assistant was confused about the two medication so only printed out one and of course my PCP wasn’t there to sign for it. I’d have to have another doc sign. I have to go back Monday to pick it up. I will run out by then. I am beyond pissed.

I talked a lot with my psych. I told her about the gender dysphoria I was having this week as my breasts seem to weigh a hundred pounds. I hate looking at them so I avoid putting my head down. It was awful showering as one was more tender than the other. I really can’t wait to have them cut off. Don’t know when that will be but I hope it will be within a good time frame once I start testosterone.

We also talked about the idiot therapist place that said I was too sick. A friend suggested I write a blog. I tried working on it while I was at Starbucks but nothing came to me as I just thought about my ex-therapist. It made me sad. I miss her so much. She sent off a refill for my Zoloft as that is the only medication that I need at the moment. I don’t have any refills left on it and it will need to be refilled before she is back from vacation.

After the appt, I went to mall to get my sunglasses fixed. I was so tired despite the caffeine intake. I hope I sleep good tonight and am not in too much pain. My mother made fish for dinner and as I was eating, some of the food irritated my gumline. It has been sore for more than a week now so I looked at it and it looks like I have an abscess. Wonderful. Guess I’ll be seeing the dentist on Monday rather than Thursday. I don’t think I can risk waiting that long.

I won’t be doing anything the rest of the night. I thought about taking another shower to get rid of the excess hair on my head but I used a facecloth to scrub it off. My hair is short anyways. I was too tired to take one. Sox are playing tonight so I will listen to the game. While on the bus ride home, a passenger accidently kicked my foot so I am sore and then my phone fell on it. So in addition to walking all over the place, I really hope pain doesn’t flare up. I took my pain meds soon as I got home. I might take the strong pain pill as a precaution. I had to take some ibuprofen while I was eating dinner as I haven’t taken any all day. Because I had food in my stomach, I took 800 mg. I usually take 600 mg when I haven’t eaten. I ate a lot of fish as it was really good and I didn’t have lunch.

Tomorrow is the cruise. I hope I am not in a lot of pain. I have been looking forward to this for a while now. A former coworker of mine will be going so it will be good to see her. I just hope the weather will be good. Rain will kill cause me so much pain but it’s supposed to be humid so we’ll see. I am so excited. My sister wants to go to Legal Seafood before the cruise. I’ll just have their clam chowder. I am not big on their food. Last time I ate there I had fried clams and it was not seasoned with anything but flour. It was awful. My sister like their lobster rolls. I am not a lobster fan so don’t get the appeal.

having a rough day so I slept

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Having a rough day so I slept

I woke up in pain before 0600. I couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I had a bowl of cereal around 0700 and then I was able to sleep. I woke up a few times but didn’t really get out of bed. Finally my bladder said I had to get up around 1430. My tooth was hurting me so I took some ibuprofen. I didn’t feel like eating anything as I was in pain. I brushed my teeth and that just made things worse.

I was debating having something to eat or going back to sleep. My mother called me and said she was going to make hamburgers for supper. I told her my mouth was hurting and I didn’t feel like eating. She then asks why don’t I go back to the dentist and I say I have an appt next week because my dentist is on vacation. I went back to sleep till around 1900. I made something to eat, which my mouth didn’t like. Any chewing is torture right now.

As I have been sleeping all day, I really have no idea what is going on in the news. I don’t really care at this point. My ankle has been quiet. I don’t know if this is going to change or not. I think I was tired because I was in pain all day yesterday. It’s exhausting being in pain. I just took my night meds. I hope I sleep through the night.

Tomorrow I see my psych. I am going to try and see if I can get my haircut in the morning before the appt. It all depends on what time I wake up. I could set an alarm but that doesn’t mean anything. I tend to shut it off and go back to sleep.

ramblings 151

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Ramblings 151

I was bored so did some shopping on Amazon. I really shouldn’t have as my funds are getting low. Then, of course, it recommended stuff to me. I found a Moleskin notebook that I plan on getting when I get paid next. It’s sapphire blue, my favorite color and 240 pages. It will make for a decent journal.

The Sox won so I have decided to get a frame for the WinDanceRepeat photo that I have, which prompted my shopping on Amazon. I need a frame for the photo so I can hang it up. Maybe it will give them the luck they need to keep on winning games. It’s getting close to do or die time. They are in first place with a 4 game lead. I don’t know if the Skankees played today or not. My Twitter feed was filled with stupid shit. One of the people I followed was posting youtube videos so that is all I saw, which made me bored. I was too lazy to go to MLB.com to check out the scoreboard. I am sure I will find out sooner or later.

My weird pain that I had earlier today has returned. It went away with meds but I think it wore off and now it has returned. I don’t know if I will sleep. I got a lot on my mind tonight so decided to write again to try and sort it out. Or I could just talk about nothing but whatever comes to mind.

I am still feeling happy about having a concrete diagnosis about my pain. I was talking to my next door neighbor. She was dogsitting another neighbor’s dog. Surprisingly, the dog let me pet her. Usually she sniffs me and then walks away. I told her that after 7 years, I finally have a diagnosis and don’t have to see anymore docs, except for the ones I am seeing. The new doc that I am seeing in Oct is the only new doc that I will see, unless he refers me to the CRPS specialist in his practice. I am so tired of seeing docs who have no idea what is wrong with me and then brush me off or send me to another doctor or physical therapy. The last physiatrist I saw didn’t think I had CRPS, which then planted the doubts in my mind and my PCP’s. He also stupidly diagnosed me with Morton’s Neuroma, which I do not have. He squeezed the side of my foot that hurts me and that was why I screamed at him. I tried to explain that to him but it was too late. He already made up his mind that was what I had. Jerk off. I never went back to see him. When I see my neuro in a couple weeks, I will tell her to send her notes to the new neuro and my PCP. I am going to ask that those notes to my PCP have bullet points and exclamation marks and highlights. This way here when I see him in Oct, the ass doesn’t say I need to see another damn doctor and it’s clear that I do have CRPS. I think the new neuro is before his appt. I need to check my calendar.

I haven’t thought much about therapy. I suppose I should give it some thought but it’s not there. I wish he was a little more clear about the “other stuff” that I think about that is causing the symptoms of PTSD. I kind of know where he is coming from but it would be nice for him to say the words. Maybe one day I will write out the story of my second life that I lived in my fantasy world that I had to create to survive my childhood. I don’t know if it will be a blog or not. Might just be a word doc for a while. It was quite elaborate. I had such imagination at that age. It’s too bad I never wrote anything down that was useful. I was always afraid of being found out so I wrote in code and then later when I read it, I had no idea what the hell was going on.

Last night when I had the stabbing, tearing, twisting knife pain flare up, I distracted myself by watching my favorite movie, The Waterboy with Adam Sandler. I love that movie. I really want to watch Titanic but I have no idea what I did with the DVD. It’s somewhere in my room as I recently bought it. I had to buy another copy because I only had disc 1. I thought about watching Lincoln again but really didn’t feel like watching a 3 hour movie. I really want to watch Money Pit but I have no idea where that DVD is. I think it is in my case but I don’t know where that is. I don’t remember what I did with it. I think it is buried somewhere in my room. I’ll find it when I go looking for something else. That is how it works.

My foot is throbbing. It just hit midnight and I am tired but can’t seem to fall asleep. I am in a lot of pain. I want to get my haircut tomorrow. I just hope I can walk. I want to go in the morning because my pain levels are lower. I look like a chia pet right now as my hair has grown out. I want to feel the baldness of my head again. Just the back and sides. The top I leave a little something.

no McDonalds today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

No McDonalds today

I had breakfast and made coffee. I went up to my room to read and drink my coffee. I finished the book The Adventures of Maya the Bee. It was a cute little story. After finishing my coffee and the book, I was getting hungry and wondering what to make for lunch. I was thinking of going into town so I could get McDonalds as there is not one in my town that is easy to get to. There is one on the border but getting back home would be a hassle. But those thoughts faded as my pain shot up from a 5 to a 20 in a heartbeat. I was hurting and still am, so bad that the pain brought tears to my eyes. I couldn’t move my ankle at all and then it started pulsating. I took the strong pain med because I can’t take the regular med for another couple of hours. I also took an Ativan to calm myself as I am just craze with suicidal ideas right now. I felt like emailing my psych that I would take the bottle of Neurontin and call it a day but knew that would get a phone call. I put on Pearl Jam and tried to distract until the pain meds and Ativan work their magic.

The pain is down to the bone so I doubt lidocaine can reach it. It feels like someone is stabbing me and pulling me apart at the same time. It’s awful. I just want to chop my ankle off. Or die. I just feel really horrible. I want to take a nap but I fear that lying down will increase my pain and set off PTSD.

My neurologist got back to me last night. I am really happy to say that she does think I have CRPS, so it’s no longer a guessing game. She does want me to see the new neurologist that I have an appt with in Oct. See what he thinks. She asked if they were a part of the system and I told her he was. I forgot to ask her to send off a flare gun to my PCP to tell him that I do indeed have CRPS and to stop sending me to every Tom, Dick, and Mary that has an MD. I am tired of seeing doctors. I have no idea what this neuro in Oct is going to say or do. It’s at 0800 so my pain levels will be low, provided I get enough sleep to make the appt.

My mother came home from shopping. She was at my Aunt’s house before she went shopping. Then when she came home, she got into an argument with her on the phone. I had to stop the music I was listening to to see what all the yelling was about, and who was yelling. It was my mother. I called her when she hung up and she was very annoyed. I asked if she was okay and she just said yeah. I left it at that. I really didn’t care what the argument was about, probably something stupid. I just hate when my mother gets aggravated because of her heart condition.

I’m trying to think of ways to soothe myself while my ankle is going off like fireworks but nothing is really working. Pearl Jam is helping to take my mind off the stupid pain. I can’t go on Twitter because the feed is all about the situation with North Korea and the US. Two toddler leaders with nukes is not a very good situation. And the Cheeto keeps saying there is a “leak” in reports when he, himself, is the leaker as he tweets about things he shouldn’t. Dumbass. Wish someone would take his phone or whatever he is using to tweet away from him. WWIII doesn’t need to be started because of an insult.