Tag: chronic pain

bewitching hour has hit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Bewitching hour has hit

It’s now 0200. I can usually fall asleep within the next half hour or I will be up all night. It’s an either or battle that I face. As I am not really tired, I say that I am going to be up most of the night. I just took some Neurontin as my foot is starting to burn. I was having a conversation with a Canadian friend of mine about this drug. She take 1800 mg/day and still has nerve pain in her foot. That is an adequate dose. I take any where between 600-1200 mg or more a night. I find that taking the dose all at once is helpful for me and keeps the nerve pain away for at least 24-48 hours. Of course, if I am in a bad pain flare, that can be less coverage and I will need to take it on a regular basis for a while.

The drag races have started in my area. I don’t know why cars must have their tires screech in the midnight hours. It’s so stupid. I just hope no accidents occur or people get hurt. If I knew exactly where they were racing, I would report them. I don’t know what the police would do because by the time they would show up, the cars could be gone. So annoying.

I had fun watching my niece tonight. We didn’t watch a movie like she said we were going to. She just played on her tablet and I napped. I was in a pizza coma so slept for about an hour. Probably why I am still up. I played on my phone or on my laptop. There was some funny shit going on about Pence and his experience at the theater for the musical “Hamilton”. People are so creative in creating memes and stuff that I am just in awe. There was also some stuff going on about the president-elect and his business that is still going on. I am really afraid for this country and what is going to happen in the next four years. No wonder I am so suicidal. I honestly don’t want to be around should this country go down the toilet after all the stuff Obama did to get us back on track.

My psychiatrist didn’t ask me what my plans were for ending my life and I didn’t tell her. I just told her flatly that I was suicidal. She made me tell her that I would page her should that change to acting on my feelings. I told her that only time it really becomes a problem is when my pain levels are through the roof and I can see no way out of it in sight. Sure I have a date set and will have the pills I plan on using but I have a feeling my dorky therapist is going to be watching me like a hawk. There is no longer going to be any wiggle room about this is in therapy. It just depresses me because it just makes me feel defeated. And I don’t want to let my psychiatrist down by attempting. She is trusting me a heck of a lot. I have never lied to her. That is why our relationship has always been a good match. I have always been straight with her and she knows this. I am wicked torn. Part of me just wants to say fuck you and end it and then part of me doesn’t because I know I will lose the trust of my two professionals that care an awful lot about me. That trust is what is keeping me from being inpatient right now.

My psychiatrist and I did go over going in the hospital but I told her there was no “treatment” there anymore. I would just be babysat and that is not what I need. Besides, with the holiday coming up, I really don’t want to be in the hospital. Maybe afterwards. I don’t know if it would help. The biggest thing is the admitting doc always asks “what set you off” and honestly, I don’t know. Why am I choosing now to be inpatient rather than last week? I don’t know. I hate being inpatient only because I hate being on their schedule for meds and stuff. I rather be on my schedule but that isn’t how it works.

My pillow is calling me. I hope I am able to sleep through the night without waking up in pain. It’s late enough so I hope to be awake enough by the time the football game starts. But who knows, I might be sleeping all day because I have been up half the night.

Pain and dealing with a moron

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain and dealing with a moron

My ankle decided to act up around 2330 because I wanted to lie down and god forbid, sleep. I called UNCLE but it still said fuck you. I just took another dose of pain meds so I am hoping to say fuck you back. I am not surprised I am in pain after the day that I had. I would be surprised if I wasn’t in pain. I am listening to music so that is helping the anxiety that accompanies my pain.

I posted a post in my CES group about wanting advice about what to do with having urinary problems due to possible medication and pain. I got this moron that thought that my pain medication and something else was the reason of my urinary problems. He also was confused about urodynamic testing and when I pointed this out to him, he said that you just pee out of your ass. I had enough of his antics and put a stop to the conversation, because the next step was to kick him out of the group. I can’t deal with people that don’t know basic anatomy.

Meds are making me very drowsy but the fucking pain is keeping me from slumber. Didn’t help matters that because of my nerve injury, I didn’t know that I was scratching myself in my anal area to the point of bleeding. I immediately cut my nails down because that is the last thing I need. I can’t believe how stupid I was doing something like this. Now I am in pain in that area and because of the inflamed nerves, I don’t know how long that is going to last. I really hope I don’t have a bowel movement because the last thing I need is an infection there.

In other pain news, my right Achilles is flared up. Every time I walk it hurts. I really need to do those exercises I got from the internet to help ease the pain. Some ice would probably help too but I am too tired to get the ice pack. I will ice it tomorrow. It’s probably hurting because of all I did today too. I just can’t fucking win with my damn ankles.

For some reason, I am getting hungry. I really don’t want to trek downstairs again. I ordered some cheese and crackers on my next online grocery order. I will have them up in my room so the mice can’t get at them but I can. Would love to get some cheese whiz and crackers but I don’t have the space for all that stuff. My night stand is already crammed with junk. I really need to go through it and clear it off. But I’m afraid that once I start moving stuff, I will cause a domino effect and things will fall where I don’t want them to.

I want to share this picture that someone posted on Facebook about Chronic pain. I love it. If you suffer from chronic ailments, I am sure you will find it true as well.

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the pain game

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

The pain game

Since around 2100 yesterday, I have been in constant pain. My only reprieve has been when the pain meds actually have taken some of the throbbing away. Last night it was my toes that were in agony. Tonight, the top of my ankle, where the foot and ankle meet is the subject of tonight’s pain game. This type of pain, I have been having most of the day, since 0530. I have been on pain meds around the clock. I just took a strong pain pill because I don’t know what else to do.

I meet with my psychiatrist tomorrow morning and I plan on telling her how suicidal I am. I am risking my freedom in doing so, but I feel she should know. Maybe, if I am bold, I might tell her she is better off without me and that I will be dying soon. Probably not the best way to talk to a psychiatrist, but I am tired of just saying things are fine when they aren’t. I might pose to her a theoretical situation and see what her response is. I also want to convey to her that if I should die, it’s not her fault. She has been with me for 24 years and has done the best she could do for me. Between the pain and the voices that keep telling me that I deserve to die and should kill myself, there is nothing more that can be done.

I’m tired of this Merry-go-round that I am on. It just keeps spinning and there is no getting off. I am wicked dizzy from it. And this time I have made up my mind to end things, to get off the go round for once and for all.

I never did take that nap that I wanted. My mother decided to clean the oven. It’s a self cleaning oven so she turn it on but didn’t realize that when you have grease, you can’t use it. The kitchen and the house filled up with smoke and it still smells terrible. I thought my mother just burned something in the oven but I guess that wasn’t the case, per se.

I had a friend that commented on my Twitter post about being in pain. She can’t believe it hasn’t “gone away” yet. She doesn’t understand chronic pain. It never goes away. Or it might for a little while and then will come back with a vengeance. I have found some like minded “spoonies” on Twitter. It’s been helpful to know that I am not alone with my CRPS and chronic pain issues. We don’t talk about being suicidal or how it affects our moods, however.

my crazy therapist

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

My crazy therapist

I had therapy today reluctantly. She gave a bunch of reasons why she felt the need to meet today, but I could tell she was just justifying her need to talk to me this week. As I thought, we didn’t really talk much about anything other than her need to constantly know what I am up to. I did tell her I was done. I didn’t go into more than that and she didn’t ask. I honestly felt like we were talking in circles. I was still groggy as I didn’t sleep well. Pain kept me up most of the night and then I woke up after a 3 hour nap to take some more pain meds around 0530 this morning.

I told her I had planned on cancelling next week but she begged me not to. So we are meeting. It’s just a waste of time for me. I don’t understand why she is bothering to try and save my life when I am clearly very intent on ending my life. It’s so stupid. She reiterated today that she cares about me and that she doesn’t care that her caring is a little unconventional. She is going through some great lengths to talk to me. However, her anxiety around my suicidality is apparent. She tends to talk about nothing most of the session, which leaves me feeling like she doesn’t want to hear what I have to say. Granted today, I didn’t want to talk at all. I was too tired to put two sentences together much less a conversation.

My foot and ankle are still throbbing. I really want to make something to eat but going down the stairs might hurt me more than I already hurt. I took some pain pills so I am hoping it calms down the pain enough that I might be able to get to the kitchen to make myself something to eat. I told my therapist that the Neurontin has caused me to gain at least eight pounds in the last few weeks. My eating habits haven’t changed that much but I just put on the weight. My doc tomorrow is not going to be happy about this but I really don’t care. There is nothing I can do to prevent weight gain other than restricting calories and I am not good at that. My therapist told me I had other fish to fry, which made me feel better, a little bit.

Pain meds have started to kick in. I don’t understand why they work “faster” in the day time and take forever to work during the night time. I am very drowsy. I need to take a shower some time today as I need to get up really early tomorrow morning. Just thinking about it, is exhausting me. I am going to take a little nap. Maybe when I wake up, I will have enough energy to make something to eat and shower.